From Russia, With Love

There's a couple of changes with From Russia, With Love as opposed to the movie that immediately preceded it. The gunbarrel that opened the previous movie opens this one, but the James Bond Theme is played over the top of it, and this leads us into a pre-title sequence, before we get the title sequence. Once again we have a musical theme played over the title sequence (which is a little disappointing - Robert Brownjohn replaces Maurice Binder and this time the title sequence is just the credits projected onto a belly dancer). Curiously in the last film, the Bond theme led into a a piece of music that would later get lyrics (Three Blind Mice), but this time the musical theme leads into the Bond theme. It's From Russia, With Love and will later in the film be performed by Matt Munro both as a song someone is listening to, and to close the movie.

The pretitle sequence appears to see Bond being hunted by a tall blonde man who then kills him, but lo! it's not Bond, rather a man with a convicing Bond mask. It's worth noting that Sean Connery plays this scene very well, not moving his face at all until he is attacked, which makes the revelation of the mask a little more convincing.

In the novel, Bond doesn't make an appearance til about a third of the way into the story, and that is alluded to in the movie as Bond, aside from the faux appearance in the pretitle sequence, doesn't show up for absolute ages. Once again director Terrence Young has assembled a brilliant cast and my favourites include Vladek Sheybal as SPECTRE No 5 Kronsteen - who plays an egomaniacal chess player who creates SPECTRE's mad schemes - and Pedro Armendariz as Kerim Bey - Bond's associate in Istanbul who just brings to life the character of the Head of Station T. That's not to diminish villains Lotte Lenya as Klebb (and rather impressively the lesbianism of Klebb in the novel is still hinted at in the movie as she flinches when Morzeny touches her, and is just a little too friendly with Tanya Romanova) or Robert Shaw as Donald Grant (essentially the thug of the movie who, in a scene directly from the novel, gets massaged by a beautiful woman before being punched in the stomach without flinching by Klebb).

Following in Ursula Andress' footsteps is the beautiful Daniela Bianchi as new Bond girl Tatiana Romanova. Like Andress she is dubbed, and her voice doesn't exactly suit Bianchi. Her voice is sultry and sexy, but Bianchi is very cute (note the moment when she bites Bond's tie as she shows off her nightdress) and it doesn't quite work as well as you'd think it would.

In some excellent continuity with the previous movie, Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell and Eunice Gayson return as "M", Moneypenny and Sylvia, and Sylvia gets to grouch about how the last time she saw Bond he went to Jamaica. Curiously, Major Boothroyd has been replaced by the lisping Desmond Llewellyn who gives Bond a briefcase which has various weapons tucked into it, as well as a tonne of money. Sean Connery is really getting into the role of Bond as his own confidence boosts the confidence of Bond himself, so now Bond is just a little sarcastic when Boothroyd shows him how to open the briefcase. Indeed you can see the confidence Connery has - note the way he speaks on the telephone now, with one leg up on the nearest bed or chair he can find.

The one major change to this movie as opposed to the last one is the larger dollop of humour the movie has gained. Bond is now quipping quite freely, excusing himself before he punches someone in the face, and making three witty one-liners after someone has died. Conversely, Bond also takes the opportunity to slap Tanya across the face while interrogating her, which gives him a much tougher edge to what he had before.

Young's direction is fabulous, and the arrival into Istanbul mirrors Bond's arrival in Jamaica in Dr No - note that Bond exits with someone watching him and is then followed as he leaves the airport, after being greeted by someone who has a car ready for him. There are a number of extravagant scenes in the film - when Bond leaves the train at the end he escapes on foot, by truck and by boat (after shooting down a helicopter). It's an impressively long action scene, but runs smoothly. Indeed, Young seems to spend more time on the action this time round - although it was largely redundant in the original novel as well, Young is happy to have the entire Gypsy scene in the movie, along with Kerim Bey's act of revenge. And, of course, the piece de resistance is Bond and Grant's fight in the train towards the end. Assisted by Peter Hunt's snappy editing, the fight is vicious and nasty and after the brutality of it all, Bond adjusts his tie.

If Dr No was a raw diamond, then From Russia, With Love is that diamond now smoothed out and faceted. Not sure if that is such a good thing, but it certainly doesn't detract from the movie.

"A+"

NCIS: Chimera (Season 5)

NCIS has reached its one hundredth episode which is quite an achievement for a spin-off programme, although perhaps the biggest achievement that show has made is that it's better than the program it spun off from. I wasn't quite sure what to expect from this anniversary episode, but what we got was a Marie Celeste style murder mystery and I have to admit it gets you in pretty bloody quickly.

There's always a number of levels in any NCIS episode, where we get the direction the investigation is going before something comes along that completely throws us into a different direction. Curiously about this episode we don't actually get that, but rather we get a situation where we have a problem - there is a ship which everybody has disappeared from - and that problem grows - they find a dead body - and grows - it has a deadly virus of which they could all get - and grows scarily - there's something else on the ship - and GROWS! - there are two survivors and one of them has betrayed everybody.

I think the highlight for me in this episode was the opportunity for Ducky to get out of the mortuary and join the team on a mission. Indeed it was great to see the NCIS team back on a boat, which, for naval investigators, the team hardly ever seem to be on.

Cheers for the 100, and looking forward to another!

"A"

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

There was a time when I would go to see most movies that came out based on the fact that I should broaden my horizons and take in what the world has to offer. However on getting married and the return of Doctor Who, my money situation does not allow me to be quite so flippant in its use, and quite frankly I want to go to the movies these days to be entertained. If I get something else out of it, that's great, but at the end of the day I just want to have enjoyed 90 minutes in an escapist world. So lots of mundane things determine my choice of movie these days and Deception was chosen because it had Hugh Jackman in it, while Forgetting Sarah Marshall was chosen primarily because of Kristen Bell (and let's face it, in that bikini, why not?)

From the makers of...well, let's just say the Seth Rogan posse (didn't 40 Year Old Virgin boost his career?), we get another movie that has the feel of a script written by a guy with a talent for witty dialogue and honest emotions. These films have a sort of Kevin Smith vibe to them, minus the constant swearing, drugs and crudity. That said we get to see a naked penis no less than three times on screen in this movie, so I'm not dissing Smith at all.

The story is pretty straight forward - guy is dumped by girl; he goes to Hawaii and there is girl with new boyfriend; he meets a new girl and falls for her; old girlfriend is dumped and she seduces guy; guy stupidly tells new girlfriend what happens and...you can guess the rest.

Bell is mostly used to be the straight..er...man to the others, but she does have a rather splendid moment where she bemoans the end of her television show and how she can't get into th movies unless she shows her boobs and gets a boob job which her little frame won't be able to handle. One wonders if this is Sarah Marshall talking about her crime show or Bell talking about Veronica Mars.

There's nothing particularly original in this film, except that clever dialogue and the idea of the lead character writing a musical about Dracula (curiously watching Blackula for inspiration...go figure) but it is a very entertaining film, and aside from the gorgeous Bell, it also has Mila Kunis who gets to flaunt her legs on occasion. Funny, sexy and heart warming.

"B-"

Deception

One of the things that seems to plague a lot of movies these days is the "give the plot twist away in the trailer" syndrome, and Deception is no exception. Neat little word play, there.

Add to that the direction gives away a number of significant moments in the beginning of the movie and as a result, when it turns out that Hugh Jackman's Wyatt Bose is not Wyatt Bose at all and has been lying to Ewan McGregor's McQuarry for the entire beginning of the movie, the moment is a little muted.

And it's obviously supposed to be a bit of a twist, because the lead up to the event is designed to make us feel sympathy and warmth for Jackman. And, of course, the fact that Jackman is such an immensely likable and charismatic actor, you already feel that, so by the end of the movie you can't help hoping that, even though he's the villain of the piece, he will get away with his dastardly scheme.

The writer has taken some interesting points about someone trying to fool someone else into believing they are a third person, and it's particularly easy when the person you are trying to dupe doesn't have a fixed work place, such as auditors. Wyatt Bose is a clever character - he has clearly worked out exactly who he needs for his embezzlement, and by using McQuarry of all auditors - a man who is sexually desperate - and introducing him to the world of "The List" - a businessman's sex club - Bose manages to completely enthrall McQuarry and set him up for his inevitable downfall.

Almost gratuitiously, we have a romantic subplot, the nature of which does indeed become something of a surprise, although when McQuarry finally works it out, the audience isn't able to keep up with him due to him having knowledge the audience is unaware of. I've always been a believer that good drama should be like good comedy - in good comedy it is funny if the audience gets the joke just that little bit before the character does, and equally a twist is much better if the audience works it out just before the hero does - The Sixth Sense is a brilliant example of this. Michelle Williams (looking extremely hot and so much better than her "Dawson's Creek" days) is the girlfriend, and she and McGregor have an easy chemistry that makes it very believable when he falls for her - although when you find out about who she really is, her response to him is a little cliched (hello whore with a heart of gold).

However, and let's be blunt here, Hugh Jackman could make a film where all he does is drop a turd and it would still be hugely enjoyable entertainment. Deception has a clever plot and is slightly edgy, and Jackman proves what a consumate actor he is by showing how he can even play a callous prick (though we still love him).

"B+"

Miley Cyrus

I spent a lot of time looking for a good picture of Miley Cyrus to put into this review, but to my surprise all I could find were a bunch of photos of the girl in her underwear, which struck me as slightly tactless for this page and her age. I mean, apparently she took them herself, so who am I to judge. And yet...

Here's the thing: I don't know anything about Miley Cyrus. I've never heard her music, haven't seen "Hannah Montana" or anything along those lines. I remember Billy Ray Cyrus and his Achy Breaky Heart which was arguably the worst song to come out of the 1990s.

So here I am reviewing a girl I know nothing about, and you might be asking how on Earth can you review this person and why would you bother? Well let me tell you why...In association with Vanessa Hudgens and the query over her apperance in High School Musical 3 because of her internet nude pics, the article about Hudgens mentioned Miley Cyrus and her naughty pictures. Curious I took a look and to my surprise she, like apparently most fifteen year old girls, had taken pictures of herself in her underwear and posted them on her MySpace. Extremely stupid, but what are you gonna do? Let's face it, she's just a girl and it's not entirely surprising that she did what she did.

No, what I have to complain about is the infamous vanity fair photo. Oh we've all seen it, and I tried to find it to put it up but I couldn't be arsed after the first two pages of Google Images. The point is she's nude, with a sheet around her - we see her nude back. It's a very nice picture and is quite arty and tasteful. And, it appears, Miley agrees. "it's very arty...and not skanky" she said. However, everyone frowned and said...dear, oh dear, so Miley turns around and claims she had no choice in the photo and it wasn't what she wanted. Oh right, so you and your Dad had a gun to your heads and the photograher said "Get your clothes off Miley, I want a pic of you in a sheet!" and she shat herself, and the pair just gave in.

Oh for God's sake! Accept some responsibility people! The poor image you are sending out to kids isn't just the photo, it's the fact you are trying to pass the blame onto somebody else. You chose to do it, it's not that bad, so just admit that you can see how others won't like it, but you do.

"D+" for being a fuck-knuckle.

Big Brother 08

Soooo...Big Brother is back and being hailed as radically different than the previous years efforts, which is probably a good thing. While I'm a big fan that Big Brother should influence the game, I don't think they should influence the players and trying to force Andrew to propose to Hayley as well as holding Michelle back from nomination for longer than should were both examples of the show going to shi-ite. Add to that Gretel Killeen's clear hatred of the programme, BB07 left a lot to be desired.

But the idea of Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O hosting the programme filled me with dread. Why not go with Bree Amer? She's hot, she's entertaining and she likes her job. She also knows Big Brother and unlike Sandilands has lasted a fair time in the house. Nonetheless, I'm a fair person and I thought I'd give it a chance.

And to my surprise I was impressed. Not with the new version of the theme, I might add, which sucks balls and doesn't have the same cool feel that the original arrangement had, but the lose of the cubes didn't bother me, and the new logo is...well, it's the same as the old ones really, isn't it? Changing colour and putting interference lines in it doesn't change the fact it's still the same old eye.

But Kyle and Jackie O actually seemed to be quite competent in their new roles. Kyle seemed to have some difficulty with the autocue - mainly not seeming to know what to do when he wasn't speaking (and eye-twitching doesn't count, Kyle), but Jackie O, presumably drawing on her hosting experience from Australian Princess, was in her element, and as soon as the pair didn't have to rely on the autocue and could just talk to the housemates, they seemed to be in their element. With Kyle not behaving like a dickhead, one gets the feeling that there weren't such a bad choice of host after all.

The house itself is quite different and it's nice to see some big changes - the lack of a kitchen and the swimming pool being reduced to a hottub, for instance - will make quite a difference to the way the housemates live. It's also interesting to see that they don't get to cook dinner and don't have to feed the animals. Suddenly the game seems to be going back to its origin, locking a group of people in a house with nothing but each other to entertain themselves.
Then there's the housemates. Kyle described the last few years BB as a "frat house" and he's not far off the mark. Clearly the producers were just sticking sexy young things in the house with the hope that they will get their clothes off and fuck. Obviously with the turkey slapping incident still scaring them, Southern Star/Endemol/Noble then made sure that any raunch of any description either never happened, or was quickly blocked from broadcast in any media, somewhat defeating the purpose of the putting young, sexy housemates in.

Bearing this in mind, one can understand then why they've decided to put in a mixed group of people...however...a racist granny, a midget, a squeaky-voiced salesman and a guy who escaped from a religious cult, kinda gives the impression that BB is just going for a freak show. Once you get them out of the way though, you are left with a group of young, sexy things; the four young girls were into the spa before you could say jacuzzi! On the one hand I'm impressed with the diversity, but on the other, one can't help but feel a little "same old, same old."

And then we come to the next night where the housemates are forced into (and this did seem somewhat surprising) evicting someone from the house on the first night. Say goodnight to the folks, racist granny; although this was hardly a surprise. Also goes to show just how little the bookies know, as they had her odds quite good, compared to Brigitte who got half of Terri's votes.

I'll give BB points for trying. At least they seem to be trying to do something different this year, and good for them. Whether this experiment will be successful or not remains to be seen.

"B"

Channel Ten's Sunday Night Entertainment

The Biggest Loser

In what is arguably the most pointless episode of the Biggest Loser this year we spend enormous amounts of time getting on the scales only for Garry and Kirsten to fall below. At that point you can predict exactly what is going to happen. The producers try to sell the idea that we don't know how anyone is going to vote, but let's face it, Alison and Sam were always going to kick off Garry. Alison was a dead cert and no matter how often they try to convince us that Sam might do something surprising with Sam commenting on "blah, blah's such a big threat and I have to think about me" or KB saying "I feel a lot less safer now", the fact is Sam always ends up supporting the blue team and saying something crap like "I bleed blue" or whatever.

Strangely enough, I'm over Kirsten. From the week she decided to be a complete bitch towards Bryce and his big weight loss, she seems to get very narky if ever she falls below the yellow line. Kirsten loves to point the finger in every direction, but the fact is she's below the yellow line because her percentage is low, and for no other reason. I really hoped Sam might actually boot off Kirsten tonight, but sadly it didn't happen.

Then we get the four of them going home to loved ones and how much they've changed, and how much their life has changed, blah, blah, blah. I don't care anymore. I hope Sam wins, and I suspect he probably will, because I doubt Alison can do it, and I don't think Kirsten can lose enough weight for her percentage to overcome Sam's.
At the arse-end of the series, I find I have no interest anymore in any of them.

So You Think You Can Dance Australia

What a fucking crock.

Alright, let's review...So Natalie was actually looking nice tonight, which is a surprise. Not sure why it's taken so long for the hair and makeup people to get it right, or maybe they decided that Cat Deeley always looks great in the finale so Natalie should as well. There were long series of montages throughout the entire show, which brought back some fond memories, but basically made me want to gnaw my arm off in order for them to get down to it.

Then they revealed that the Demi was not in the top three. I'm so shocked...Couldn't see that coming at all. Why on Earth would Australia not vote for this ugly, one-trick pony? Moving on...

A long series of guest performances made me wonder what the hell was going on. Certainly some of them were fantastic (mostly the dancing ones) but I really don't need to see Damien Leith ever, and Ten need to stop trying to jumpstart this guy's career. There is a reason for him not selling records - he's crap. Move on peoples. We get a guest performance from that English lass (can't remember her name) and a nice performance by the Tap Dogs.

I have to say that all the specially choreographed routines for the night were really quite spectacular, but easily the one that was outstanding was Matt Lee's opening number in which the top twenty dancers, plus choreographers Project Moda, Nacho Pop, Jason Gilkison and the three judges themselves all performed was quite spectacular. I thought it was great that Matt, Bonnie and Jason danced because it gave a lot of credibility to them as judges. They danced on par with the contestents and for me it completely justified them as judges.

Add to that the impressive krumping performance by the krumpers who didn't make it (and Khali), the top ten dance routine (which was quite good) and the top four performance (which showed how out of her league Demi truly was), and we had great dances all round.

And then Kate was voted off.

What the hell was with that? That girl was fantastic. I'm sorry, but she was superior to Jack and quite possibly superior to Rhys, and frankly she should have been one of the top two girls. She has a real "come hither" look about her that makes her dance routines come alive. I was ready to kick the television set in.

Finally we start to get the dance performances from previous shows, and I was amazed at how lacklustre they were. I was never a big fan of Stephanie and Marco's original Jason Gilkison (he can do wrong!) dance routine, but Anthony and Laura's disco routine I remember being blown away by, particularly Anthony who seemed in his element, and yet tonight he seemed a little bored with the whole thing.

Rhys and Jemma are faultless in my book, and Jemma is so in love with Rhys!! She couldn't stop staring into his eyes after their waltz, though I'm surprised they didn't do the Pasa Doble which was much sexier and so good. Equally Kate and Hylton were fantastic with their foxtrot. And despite the fact I can't stand the little trog, Vanessa and Henry did their awesome contempory African-style routine. It was really nice to see Cassie back again, as it was criminal she was voted off when she was (she should easily have been in the top three with Jemma), and the routine she did with Graeme was one I remember being quite impressed by at the time. And, yes, despite the fact they fucked it up the first time, JD and Rhiannon performed their tango wonderfully - although I'm sure Rhiannon was disappointed she didn't get to show off her midriff.

Wonderful as it all was, we then got a new dance from Jack and Rhys, and I wondered if they all had to learn specific dances depending on who they might end up with in the final two, but realised that was just stupid as the top four all probably learned the same dance. It was very well done, and credit where credit's due, Jack and Rhys were as good as each other in the performance.

But Jack winning? I'm sorry, it just seems wrong. I don't like it. If Rhys or Kate had won, I'd be happy as, but Jack? Nah...he just never quite got there as far as I was concerned. And I mean that on a total run from beginning to end. Rhys embraced his partners, and achieved a magic first with Jemma and then with Kate that Jack never achieved (except, maybe, with Kate). Jack just wasn't the best, I feel.

That said, I could so see poor Rhys thinking all night "I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay...how hot is Jemma? DAMN I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay...Jack or Kate? Jack or Kate...Kate? NOOO!!!!"

Big Brother

Oh good lord. Perhaps, after last years attack on the so called diversity of the housemates, one begins to wonder if Southern Star/Endemol just went a little silly this year.

Exec: "Uhh...we need diversity...anyone got any ideas?"

Coffee Boy: "Well...we interviewed some granny who's a Pauline Hanson wannabe?"

Exec: "A freakshow? Fantastic, I like it. What else?"

PC Guy: "We should have an aboriginal. That worked on So You Think You Can Dance."

Exec: "Pillaging other shows for ideas? I like it! Promote that guy."

Gaffer: "Oh, oh, oh!!! My friend's testicles haven't dropped!!!"

Exec: "He's in!"

Paper Jockey: "My ex boyfriend's a UFO freak."

Exec: "How freaky?"

Paper Jockey: "He has Roswell tattooed on his arm."

Exec: "He's in! But come on...let's get someone who is really out there, peoples."

Kyle Sandilands: "I once interviewed this midget on my show..."

Exec: "And that's why he's earning the big bucks, my friends. You can all learn a lesson from this lad. What's your name son?"

KS: "Kyle Sandilands."

Exec: "Didn't you go into the house and cry?"

KS: "What?"

Exec: "After a day?"

KS: "That's hardly the point."

Exec: "Wannabe a host?"

Rove

Now, I don't really want to review Rove, but tonight I feel I have to make an effort. Because tonight on Rove, something happened. Something was switched on. Rove was funny in his opening monologue. He was cracking wise and he was entertaining. And he was on fire for the rest of the night! I don't know what it was, but in truth Rove was the best I've ever seen him, and the whole show was alive.

As usual Carrie Bickmore was gorgeous and funny, Peter Hellier was terribly entertaining, but even better, the three SYTYCDA judges put in an appearance to spoof themselves and judge Hellier's performance. It seemed that there was no end to the hilarity and entertainment.

And then Hugh Jackman came on. Now if there's one thing Rove and I have in common it's that Jackman is the man we'd turn gay for. And boy did he prove it tonight. He was charm personified, and it struck me how broad his accent is, something you don't notice because he turns it down in his performances. Rove clearly loved interviewing him, and Jackman was a brilliant interviewee, easily chatting about experiences and happily getting up to demonstrate dance moves on Rove. And his twenty bucks in twenty seconds was priceless.

Rhys and Jack from SYTYCDA were interviewed, and it was clear Rove had a lot more time for Rhys, though to be fair, it was also clear that Rhys had more personality in his little finger than Jack could manage, though both came across quite well. Hamish and Andy's experiences in Afgahnistan were extremely interesting, and I have a lot more respect for the two of them for going through what they did in. It must have been terrifying to be there, but they showed a lot of gumption for being there.

Dave Hughes was on fire, as always, and Ryan Shelton was very entertaining, particularly in his SYTYCDA spoof, which the judges seemed to enjoy. And the cameo appearance by Tom Petrovski is always a welcome pleasure. However, as always, there is a wet blanket on all parties, and in this case it was Mischa Barton who was not an easy subject for Rove to interview and she certainly wasn't giving an awful lot of herself out. Rove was clearly struggling, and Pete Hellier at one point tried to crack a joke she didn't respond much to either. Hard work.

Regardless, I wanted to say that this was the first episode of Rove I laughed all the way through, and for the first time I could understand why Rove was as popular as he was.

The whole night: "B+"

Doctor Who: The Sontaran Strategem (Series 4)

In the worlds of Doctor Who monsters, there are the "Big Four" - four monsters who repeatedly menaced the Doctor over a number of stories (more than two anyway), and a number of incarnations. Naturally two of those are the Daleks and Cybermen, and the third are the Ice Warriors, but the fourth are the Sontarans. It's been 22 years since the Sontarans graced our television screens and the last time the creatures - described as "nasty, brutish and short" - weren't exactly given an opportunity to shine. Nasty they may have been, but they weren't particularly brutish and most certainly weren't short. The new series has decided to adopt that particular description and take it to the letter with diminutive actor Christopher Ryan (he of The Young Ones fame) being given the latex to lead the Sontarans - not the first time for Ryan either, curiously.

In addition to the Sontarans, Freema Agyeman returns to the cast (getting an "and" credit in the title sequence...wooo!) and we now discover she's engaged to the doctor Milligan she met in Last Of The Time Lords and is still working for UNIT, under its new commander Mace. The Doctor, however, seems to have got a bit of a but in his pants about hanging around UNIT because they have guns - this from the man who had no problem with the Ood last week dishing out electrocutions left, right and center. It's nice to see UNIT return, but I can't help wishing that if they were going to bring back the iconic organisation it would have been nice to bring back the iconic Brigadier that went with it... Also of interest is the fact that UNIT now stands for Unified Intelligence Taskforce. How times have changed.
It's hard to review the first of a two parter as, by definition, it sets up the action, and in Doctor Who in particular really works towards the cliffhanger. Curious that the audience is expected to be disturbed by the immediate possibility of death of dear old Wilfred Mott, and once again shows how Russell T Davies believes that a companion's family is as important to the series as the companion her/him self. The scene where both Sylvia Noble and Wilf recognise the Doctor from previous Christmas events is nicely played by all involved. Still, while gas is spilling out over the world, the audience is supposed to feel more concern for Wilf and that they (well, me anyway) actually do (does).

There are lots of nicely played scenes in this episode, and lots of entertaining characters, but while the episode is a setup, it's not really a setup for the story. We meet the Sontarans, Martha, UNIT, Colonel Mace, Rattigan, Sylvia Noble, Wilfred Mott and learn what Atmos is and how it is a weapon that the Sontarans are planning on using, but we don't really learn exactly what the Sontarans are planning on doing. Usually in two-parters we get discover what they are going to do, and the second part deals with the Doctor defeating them. In this particular case we still don't quite know what the Sontarans are planning on doing by gassing the Earth with the Atmos devices, and so it all gets a trifle confusing towards the end.

I'm looking forward to The Poison Sky in the hope that it will explain to us exactly what is going on!

"B-"

Dr No

As a James Bond fan, it's extremely difficult for me to review a James Bond movie without resorting to my natural opinions of the movies - the ones that I've had about twenty years to cultivate and grow into the "truth". Everyone has different opinions, but after all this time each person's opinion is the unquestionable truth and, of course, there are certain "facts" in the James Bond mythos that can't be questioned.

Timothy Dalton was the most Fleming Bond.

Goldfinger is the archetypal Bond movie.

The Spy Who Loved Me proved that Cubby Broccoli could make brilliant Bond movies.

Moonraker is crap.

However, in anticipation of "Quantum Of Solace" which will be released in November, I have decided to sit down and watch all twenty-three Bond movies, in order of release, and will attempt to review them without any past baggage. I will not make reference to any Bond movies that come after the one I am watching. This will be my fresh look at the movies. Are you seated comfortably? Then we'll begin...

It's really hard to imagine what it must have been like in the sixties when sitting down to watch Dr No. Unlike modern movies, sixties movies had title sequences, and title themes and so there's no surprise to get a roughly three-minute sequence as we go through the credits at the beginning of the movie (fair, given there's about thirty seconds of credits at the end of the movie). However, what is strange is how unique the title sequence is. A white dot across the screen, beeping like a radar, becomes a gunbarrel. A chap in a hat strolls along, jumps to one side and shoots at the gunbarrel, causing blood to seep down the screen. The beeps stop and cue a bombastic and instantly memorable theme. The guitar work is most noticable, and what is more interesting is that the theme itself is very sixties, but also timeless in some ways. The James Bond theme then gives way to "Three Blind Mice", a bizarre track that plays over the top of coloured silhouettes of people dancing, before our three blind mice appear.

What a title sequence. It's completely crazy and something that is nothing like what viewers had seen before. Maurice Binder was chosen to do the title sequence based on a crazy title sequence he had done before, but this is nothing like that, and nothing like anything else. It's so memorable.

As for the music...well, it's a bit of an odd one. The James Bond theme is loud, orchestral and bombastic, but the rest of the music is split into two sections - the stuff on Jamaica which is percussion driven, and the stuff on Crab Key which is electronic. Monty Norman, the composer, seems to have difficulty in trying to mesh the music together and the soundtrack, though recognisable is not memorable.

Into the movie proper, and it has strong ties to the novel in many ways. Oh, sure, Dr No no longer runs a guano mine - it's now a bauxite mine - and he's no longer working for SMERSH but for SPECTRE, but these differences are largely superficial. For the most part the movie is quite a faithful adaptation of the novel. It's tempting to say that the excesses of the movie can be laid at the feet of the screenwriters, but the truth is that's not the case. Arguably the most absurdly Bond moment - a reception in a prison (Who else is imprisoned there? And if it's not a prison, what on Earth is the reception area and guest suites for?) is surpisingly lifted almost word for word from the novel. No, the crazy (and strangely very sixties, which is odd because Bond was created a decade beforehand) world that Bond inhabits is from the mind of Fleming, not producers Harry Saltzman and Broccoli.

One of the things that the movie is criticised for is sexism, but surprisingly there is very little of this present. The women in the movie are all quite capable and competent, although some are out of their depth, but they show loyalty and bravery. Things like the hotel receptionist checking Bond out as he is leaving...well, I don't see that as sexist. The other night I went bowling with five girls in their early twenties who spent most of the time checking out the "hot" bowling guys (who were in their late teens, I might add...), so that hardly is sexist.

Surprisingly, as well, Bond himself is not terribly sexist. He's polite to women but never belittles them - until he discovers Miss Taro is setting him to be killed, then he patronises her quite a lot, but to be fair its clearly a game between the two as she pretends to be submissive in order to keep him around to be murdered, while he sees just how far she is prepared to go in order to fulfil her mission. One might argue that, given one man has committed suicide and one woman was happy to have her arm broken, both in order to obey Dr No, that Bond was just seeing how far Taro would go to please her boss.

Racism, on the other hand, is a little more prevalent. However, this is Jamaica in the sixties and so it's understandable why it is present, even if we can't condone it. Bond and Felix Leiter are more than a little patronising to poor Quarrel, and the only black seen at Bond's hotel are the service staff.

Bond. James Bond. What strikes me the most about Sean Connery in this movie is the absolute confidence he imbibes Bond with. James Bond is comfortable in a tuxedo gambling and flirting, but equally in a single-breasted suit fighting and pulling guns. He shows complete ease when he beats up the chauffeur, inviting Miss Taro on a date, gaining Honey's confidence or dealing with the treacherous Dent by shooting him in cold blood. Connery's Bond is a true spy - he coldly murders two people without hesitation, neither of whom present him with danger. He acts like a spy: putting his hat to his face when he is photographed; calling to ensure what is going on; leaving little signals to see if his luggage is tampered with. When you watch this movie there is no doubt in your mind that James Bond is a spy. Of note is the fact that Bond only drops one witty one-liner in the movie following a death.

The same vibe is carried on to Jack Lord's Felix Leiter. Lord is the only one in the movie that out-cools Connery. Leiter never gets his hands dirty, but is always there, lingering in the background. The other supporting cast are also excellent, from the eminently likable Quarrel, to Miss Moneypenny and her easy flirting with Bond, and the wonderful Bernard Lee as "M" who is the only cast member to out-class Connery, making him appear like a schoolboy in the scenes they share together, especially when "M" takes Bond's beretta away from him.

There are, of course, two other cast members that should be mentioned - Joseph Wiseman as the titular Dr No, and Ursula Andress as the gorgeous Honey Ryder. Wiseman, surprisingly, only appears in the last twenty or so minutes of the movie, mostly to get the best lines of the movie as he describes Bond as a "stupid policeman", and urges him not to attack a guard with a bottle as it would be a terrible waste of Dom Perignon '55. Andress is barely in the movie for much longer, but she creates one of the most memorable scenes in the entire movie when she comes out of the ocean dressed in a white bikini and pauses to look at the shells she has just gathered on the beach.

There's so much in the movie that can be commented on for its utter uniqueness (especially for the times) that it's hard to know where to start or finish: Ken Adam's amazing set design (can you imagine the scene? "Uh..Harry, Cubby...that interrogation scene...I've worked out the set." "Oh yeah, Ken? What you come up with?" "Well...it's gonna be a room. A big room." "And?" "And that's about it. Oh, there'll be a chair in it.""A chair...in a room?""With a ceiling panel...natural light...")Maybe Peter Hunt's fantastic editing style (there's a scene that is in the movie that lasts just long enough for someone to tell Bond to meet Quarrel, and then just fades into the next scene...it's jump cutting thirty years before its time)Ted Moore's amazing cinematography (and in the new, remastered versions of the movies, how lush does Jamaica look?).

However the one person that does deserve single praise for this movie is director Terence Young. Never has a movie seemed so consistent. No actor seems to drop out of character at any point, particularly Sean Connery who was reputedly taught by Young how to be Bond. The action is brutal and nasty, and the dialogue delivered with accuracy and efficiency. What Young does is to create a world where there are no holes in it, nowhere you can point at the movie and say, what's with that??? It's a consistent, gritty world that introduces us to a character who is nothing more than a charming assassin.

How could this movie possibly fail?

"A+"

Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya)

I know this girl (I'm not going to mention her name because she would be humiliated, and justifiably so because she even made this ludicrous call) who said to me - you should listen to Ashlee Simpson's new song, cause it's great.

"Is it?" I replied cautiously.
"Oh yeah, it's brilliant. You'll love it."

So I listened to it. I made one fatal error, however. I watched the film clip for "Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya)" (and based on the bit in brackets I should have realised what it was going to be like) before I listened to the song. Now, the computer I use to access the internet has no sound, and so I just watched a film clip which actually looked quite bizarre and had the most astonishing imagery in it, ranging from all sorts of various pop cultures. I saw Dali's bizarre "The Persistence Of Memory", I saw the freaky girls from "The Shining" and a stone head that looked like the statues that were knocked down in Russia. There was even a Rubic's cube for goodness sakes. The film clip was impressive.

Now Ashlee has had her fair share of embarrassing moments in the past - lip synching on Saturday Night Live when she claimed she was going to sing live (never good when your band is playing one song and you're "singing" another), and of course hitting out at the world's view of feminine beauty just before having a nose job. Both incidents really are extremely embarrassing because they just highlight your hipocrisy. It's hard to convince the world you're not riding on your sister's coat-tails when you then go and make a fool of yourself. Twice.

Ashlee describes "Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya)" as having an eighties feel to it (presumably, therefore, the appearance of the Rubic's cube). She's right, too. The song is almost straight out of the eighties, and I absolutely love the eighties. In fact, this is so eighties, it feels like she's chanelling Cyndi Lauper.

However, short clue - Cyndi was only good half the time. Drove All Night, Time After Time, True Colours - all brilliant, fantastic songs. Goonies (Are Good Enough) was craphouse. Ashlee is chanelling the craphouse Cyndi.

The song is woeful, absolutely awful. It feels poorly constructed and when the chorus comes it's just plain annoying. Don't buy this song. The fact that Timbaland is associated with this song is an embarrassment to the man - dude, you should've known better.

"D"

Doctor Who: Planet Of The Ood (Series 4) - Supplemental

Having given an overall "meh" rating to Doctor Who this week, I then went onto the wonderful Doctor Who Forum and proceeded to get involved in a debate about morals (how great is it when a television programme can force you to think outside the box?). The reason for the debate?

At the end of the episode the Ood stroll out of it with a smile and handshake from the Doctor after having just spent forty minutes murdering every human in sight, be they armed (as in the Security Commander) or not (as in the poor Publicity Officer). The Doctor's acceptance of this seems to condone what they have done. Now, I don't have a problem with this aspect of the episode, because, let's face it, if the situation was reversed - if Ood were slaving humans and the humans revolted and spent forty minutes murdering their oppressors, we wouldn't mind so much when the Doctor gives them a nod and a shake.

It's worth noting though that the Doctor is not so happy about the almost exact same situation in Warriors' Gate - be it the humans or the Tharils. Don't become a monster in order to fight the monsters, is the moral that the Doctor tries to teach, and he gives Harriet Jones a fair bit of flack for completely wiping out the Sycorax after they have surrendered. The Ood became monsters in order to overthrow their oppressors - and the Doctor condones it.

But that's nothing compared to Ood Sigma turning Halpen in to an Ood against his will.

Now it's been pointed out to me that Halpen murdered someone and was behind all the Ood mutilations. It's also been pointed out that being turned into an friendly, decent alien species is not necessarily a bad thing. These are both good points, except for one small thing...

Halpen wasn't turned into an Ood as punishment; he was turned into an Ood because of the care he had shown Ood Sigma. Essentially, rather than kill him for his crimes, Ood Sigma turned him into an Ood to reward him for his compassion. And from the sound of the groan that Halpen utters after his transformation, he ain't so happy about it.
My thought is this - Ood Sigma turned Halpen into an ood because it was a better life. So how, in any way, is this different to what the Cybermen do? They take someone and turn them into Cybermen because it's better to be a Cyberman. And in both cases it was against the will of the person who is being transformed.

Halpen wasn't offered the opportunity to choose between facing up to his actions or escaping as an Ood - he was forced into taking an option that he didn't want to take. I am astonished, then, that the Doctor and Donna of all people, condone what happened. This is a radical departure for the series which has always viewed the loss of "self" as being the worst thing that can happen to someone; be it converted into a Cyberman, or having their brain altered by the Keller Machine in "The Mind Of Evil".

The Doctor is outraged in "The Mind Of Evil" when Barnam has his mind attacked by the Keller Machine, and this is before he knows it is an alien parasite. He is disgusted by Lytton's conversion in "Attack Of The Cybermen" regardless of the crimes he has committed. The Doctor joins the Tharils against the humans even though the humans were enslaved by the Tharils, because what the humans are doing now is wrong. It's that simple.

Moral ambiguity has never been an issue in Doctor Who. Donna claims she doesn't know what is right or wrong now she is travelling with the Doctor and he says it is sometimes better that way. This is the first time he has ever expressed that opinion.

There is a right way and a wrong way of doing things, and there should always be justice. The Doctor has argued this from the moment he felt the need to start intervening. He couldn't stop the Aztecs human sacrifice because it was history, but he didn't disagree that what they were doing was wrong. It didn't matter how the marshmen were attacking the humans, the humans' exploratory surgery on the marshchild was wrong. And there was a peaceful solution to the attacks - get them out of the ship, not kill them. When the Doctor becomes morally ambiguous there is an issue. No one was impressed at the Doctor's glib comment to the acid death of two men that attacked him, regardless of the fact that they had attacked the Doctor.

I'm not changing the rating of this episode, but the more I think about it, the more it leaves a nasty after taste.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit - Paternity (Season 9)

One of the problems with SVU of late is the tendency for the program to either a) forget what they were supposed to be investigating as they go off on some tangent; or b) the writers are unable to come up with a story that will last the entire episode, and so we get two mini cases in the one episode. Sometimes it works and comes across quite well, but sometimes it is just plain padding and a little painful. In this episode Amanda Green is unable to come up with two good ideas, and so we have no less than three stories in the one episode.

The first story revolves around the murder and rape of a Morman babysitter who was engaged to some chap now in India on a mission, and while he's away she apparently tosses aside her moral beliefs and prostitutes herself on the internet before laughing in the face of some guy who's afraid of growing old. She won't be making that mistake again...
Regardless, the detectives take remarkably short time to discover her internet activities and from there they get three
suspects, two of which it couldn't possibly have been, and number three caves under precisely two minutes of questioning. SVU at its most effective ever.

But this is, of course, merely the pretext to go into a story about a man whose wife cheated on him and produced a child from her boyfriend which her husband has raised for the past five years. With divorce looming, Novak informs us that the poor bastard will have to pay alimony and child support to a child that isn't even his.

Well, that's the message anyway. One of the things that I don't quite get about this world, and SVU seems to swing both ways on this particular point depending on who is writing the episode, is the idea that a person who raised a child all that child's life should NOT be the father if he is not biologically. I don't get that idea. For me, the person who does the raising is the father. If my parents told me tomorrow that I was adopted, my response would be - fair dues. Would I be interested in finding my biological parents? Not a jot. Would I consider my biological parents my real parents? Hell no. It's the poor bastards that had to put up with changing my nappy and my teenage mood swings and cleaning my sheets for...well for whatever accident happened. Once the biological parents give up their kid, they cease to have any claim to be parents, regardless of the reason. Don't get me wrong, I'm not attacking the bio's if they had good reason to do what they did - sometimes there are very good reasons for doing it, and I'm sure that some of them regret what they did, but unfortunately it's one of those things you just can't go back and do again. I wouldn't give up my parents for anything.

So as a result when the father of this kid decides he's not really the father because he isn't the biological father, and is then driven to murder when the bio-father files for custody EVEN THOUGH he knows (because Novak briefly popped up to tell us) that the bio-father has no rights in this situation whatsoever, I find it more than a little difficult to sympathise with the man. Sorry dude...you had no reason to commit murder and you were told that. Try filing for sole custody yourself fool.

Finally the third storyline kicks in quite late in the episode, and predictably you could see Stabler questioning the
paternity of Kathy's child after the case he is currently pursuing, because Stabler of all the detectives seems unable to leave his work at work.

Bizarrely this is actually the most interesting story of the episode and also the most tense as the car crash with Benson trying to save Kathy's life is really quite gripping. However...for some reason Kathy flatlines and then in the next scene she is fine and well, which kind of leaves me wondering what the hell happened? Did we miss something or are we just supposed to accept that in the passing of time they managed to bring her back? It's a bizarre part of the episode that was either poorly written or poorly edited.

Regardless, the episode was sufficiently entertaining and typically SVU sensationalist (not CSI sensationalist, so snaps to SVU for that).

On two other topics, firstly I was surprised to learn that both Diane Neal (ADA Novak) and Adam Beach (Det Lake) are leaving the series at the end of this season. Beach I don't particularly care about, but Neal is quite devastating. Aside from being hot, she's actually really great in the role. She'll be missed.

Secondly we got the third housemate entering the Australian Big Brother house tonight. Chuckbeetles-on-a-stick, this is gonna be one painful season of Big Brother...

"B"

Prom Night

Here's some obscure trivia for you that is probably meaningless and you will wonder why I even bothered to bring it up. This is actually the fifth Prom Night movie, although its been hyped as a remake of the original. Quite why that is I have no idea seeing as the plot - teacher becomes obsessed with student and manages to escape the pyschiatric hospital he was sent to for killing said student's family, and goes after the student yet again - bears absolutely no resemblence to the original plot at all. The movie should be called Prom Night 5, because none of the other Prom Nights have had any sort of continuity between them (except 2 and 3). Different killers, different motives...the only linking thing is it happens on Prom Night. Even the makers of Friday the 13th and Halloween realised that wasn't going to be good enough for a series to go on and on.

Now it just so happens that I love horror/slasher flicks. Nothing better than watching something with a plot you only have to vaguely concentrate on, with copious amounts of gratuitious violence and gore (and nudity helps as well). Sadly, these days, we don't have a scream queen. Back in the day Jamie Lee Curtis would usually get horror movies up and running, and she certainly did with Prom Night (the original) playing the girl who would ultimately kill the killer (who turned out to be her brother...just like Halloween!! Small world...). We could have a scream queen. Someone like Denise Richards or Anne Hathaway would have been great...or even Jennifer Love Hewitt. Alas, we don't and so the somewhat dopey Brittany Snow gets the leading role in this movie.

Recent horror movies have started to redefine the rules of horror movies, and "I Know What You Did Last Summer" is probably one that this Prom Night borrows from heavily. We have a trio of girls (meaning that one has to be black) who are dating a trio of boys (no inter-racial partners...we don't do that sort of thing in Hollywood). The black couple are madly in love, as are our leads, and the other couple are having difficulties. Cue the start of stupid people doing really stupid and pointless things.

Now, understand this, I know that people do silly things in horror movies. In Scream, Sidney should have just got out of the cab, but instead she decides to take the mask of the killer off. In my mind I can justify this. She's a brave girl, and she wants to know who it is that has decided to take a knife to her in spectacularly embarrassing fashion. Rather than jump through a window to escape a killer, most girls run upstairs and have to jump through the window on the upper floors, where they do themselves more damage. But you know what, they are probably nervous and not thinking clearly. In this movie the stupidity is just basic stupidity.

One of heroines is five minutes away from discovering whether she is going to be the prom queen, and her man the prom king. Five minutes. They think about it, and then decide that they will have enough time to run upstairs and have sex, then get back down for the announcement. They don't and they get killed. They couldn't hold their hormones in check for five minutes?? What's wrong with these people?

Our couple who are arguing also quickly make their way up to their room in order to get killed. Prom Night is a funny thing because in many ways it's something in Australia we can't really understand. We don't do the whole "prom at a hotel and hire a room for the night" thing at our school formals, so the idea of going somewhere and being desperate to get to the room that we hired for the night is a little foreign to us. I'm assuming that the whole point of prom night in America is to actually have sex. Go dance for a bit and then shag. Lots.

There are a multitude of other things about this movie that don't make an awful lot of sense. Nothing, for instance, is made of the fact that the killer used to be the student's teacher. That's what he is, but for most of the movie he's just a standard psychopath. It's nice, then, when one of the student's recognises him, but rather than saying "OMG that's Mr Jihad" she just says "It's him!! I have to tell...". See, the movie is so ordinary I don't remember the characters' names. The writer seems a bit irked that he's got such a short time and very limited sets to play with, and clearly he wasn't keen on the Prom because he gets everybody out of there as soon as possible.

It's a pretty ordinary movie, all told.

And now a message to the stupid people of the world. As I came out of the cinema I heard a girl say "That was weird. That went over my head. How did the killer get past the police?" Were you WATCHING THE MOVIE??? If you mean, how did he get out of the hotel - well, in disguise just like they showed and then showed again when the police realised what happened. Or did you mean into the heroine's house? Because I'm guessing the dead policemen would probably answer that question. If you want to know what's going on in the movie, WATCH IT! Pay attention, and then you won't come out of the cinema looking like a dickhead.

"C"

Superhero Movie

I loved Scary Movie. Even Scary Movie 2 was pretty damn funny. The next two Scary Movie's...yeah...well, they were watchable I suppose. Then we had a slew of spoofs made by some people vaguely associated with Scary Movie - Not Another Teen Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans, blah, blah, blah. And they got progressively worse. I saw Epic Movie. I bitterly regret that I will never get that part of my life back, I tell you. The trailer for Meet The Spartans said to me "all the funny bits are in the trailer", and it wasn't a funny trailer.

That said I actually chuckled at the trailer for Superhero Movie, and thought, maybe I'll give this one a go, fully expecting to gnaw my arm off rather than sit through a turd of a movie. Well, to my surprise it wasn't shit. In fact there were a few moments that actually made me laugh out loud.

These kinds of movies are great for television actors because TV actors don't stretch the budget of a movie, and consequently we can get a few stuck in there. Brent Spiner (Star Trek: The Next Generation), Ryan Hansen (Veronica Mars), Dan Castellaneta (The Simpsons) are just three of the stars, and I have to say that, rather bizarrely, Spiner is actually funny for a change. I suspected Hansen would be and Castellaneta obviously is. Christopher McDonald puts in an appearance as well, so obviously he's getting desperate for work.

Anyway the thing that most benefits this movie rather than the other crap that went before it, is that like Scary Movie, it really only tries to parody one movie - Spiderman. Certainly there are other references in there, and small little spoofs, but mostly the movie is a coherent structure that centers around the events of Spiderman. As a result, you don't see things just happening for no reason, and scenes that are put in the movie simply because someone thought it would be funny. The ending, in which a group of peaceful world leaders break out into an almighty brawl is more reminiscient of Naked Gun, which is perhaps unsurprising as not only does Leslie Nielsen feature in the movie, but it was, of course, from the same production team. Admittedly there is a lot of hilarity in seeing Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu fight, but I can't help thinking they may have gone too far with poor Stephen Hawking's jokes.

All in all, I wasn't disappointed with this film and I'm happy I went to see it at the cinema. Gave me quite a laugh.
"B-"

NCIS: Leap Of Faith (Season 5)

In all honesty, NCIS has no better nor worse storylines than the everyday CSI episode. However, the thing that gives NCIS an edge over other investigative dramas is it's team which are always fun to see interacting. It's great to see them arguing amongst themselves, but it's even more fun to see them team up against somebody else. Tonight the team were joined by a new, junior NCIS agent who has a slight obsessive-compulsive disorder and needs to clean everything she touches. The team find this very strange and she inadvertantly becomes the butt of some of the team's jokes. More than that, poor Abby (Pauley Perette is the hottest Goth in existence) is feeling unloved and it seems as though she is about to move on. She doesn't obviously, because we wouldn't survive without her.

Meanwhile, back to the case, which starts off with one of Gibb's rare failures as a naval chappie decides to take a dive, but just as Gibbs' saves him he is shot and falls from the building. I must admit the plot of this episode was a trifle convoluted as the number of suspects continued to grow and grow, and they needed to determine the identity of a mole within the Pentagon. One can't help but wonder if there were that many suspects all linked to the one person, surely someone would have noticed this disturbing trend and actually got in and sacked the victim before he got depressed and jumped.

Apparently not. The episode was pretty good, worth it for the interaction between the various team members, but one can't help but wonder if there is much point to NCIS Director Shepard anymore. Bring back Alan Dale!!!

"B"

Law & Order: Misbegotten (Season 18)

Gotta say I love a legal technicality and the possibilities it presents. Last night on Law & Order, after Lupo picked up a guy's PDA and then e-mailed the schedule to his phone, the problem of exactly what is "in plain sight" came up, new EADA Cutter arguing that it was on the desk and on the screen, therefore in plain sight. Acting DA McCoy disagreed on the basis that he couldn't see the screen. The question then is, if you leave it on your desk, what's the problem with e-mailing it to yourself? What's the difference between that and writing it down after looking at it? Fascinating legal debate, which sadly didn't go much further than the DA's office.

On top of that there was the rather curious moral argument about the "gay gene". A doctor claimed to have found it, thereby proving that homosexuals had no choice over their behaviour which would then be part of God's plan. The religious chaps argued that everyone had something deep inside of them that they had to fight against, and these flaws were all part of God's plan. So if the gay gene existed, would that vilify the homosexual communitity? Or, as was suggested in the episode, would it lead to the chance to test for "gayness" before birth and open the door to abortion on those grounds? The curious part about it is, those that believed that a baby who had the "gay gene" and should be aborted, would be the very same people who were against abortion anyway...food for thought.

Based on the above debates, you probably think that last night's episode of Law & Order rocked the socks off me, but to be blunt it was merely above average. I'm beginning to like, more and more, EADA Cutter as he is constantly being watched over by McCoy, and even goes so far as to want to vent to Connie, though she doesn't allow it - apparently they have a rule about not slagging off McCoy to Connie. The DA's office continues to get more and more interesting. The 27th Precinct, on the other hand, seems to be going off the rails as Green brings his own personal feelings about aborting retarded children to the front when he has a go at a parent who aborted a child with Down's Syndrome and Lupo happily covers for him. Later, when Lupo e-mails the psychiatrist's schedule from the PDA to himself, he is given a dressing down by Van Buren, but Green also admits he looked the other way. Given that this is Green's last season, one can't help but wonder if Green is on a slippery slope.

"B"

The Biggest Loser/So You Think You Can Dance Australia

Big night of reality television tonight, so I'll cover the two and a bit shows right now in the same review.

Oh, how much did I cheer when Cosi didn't get back into the Biggest Loser house? And how much more did I cheer when that stupid bitch Nicola was the cause of it all. I really didn't care who got back into the house as long as it wasn't Cosi and Nicola, because I just can't tolerate the pair of them.

It's been a relatively painful week of The Biggest Loser as they desperately try to find ways to make the series more interesting than it was last year. That's actually one of the problems I have with the show; rather than trying to get these guys to lose weight, there are times when they seem to be deliberately sabotaging them. What's with the enforced diet of stupid things? What about temptation? I mean, I know that there is temptation out there, but the big difference between the real world and the Biggest Loser is that if you eat 91 jaffas at the cinema in the real world there is still no chance you're going to win $250,000. What the hell's the point?

So, we were down to four contestents and suddenly the entire lot return (except for that whinging bitch JJ and the stupid pig-headed John) to get some places back. Michael, who I've always respected, made sure his old mate Sean was kicked out and instantly lost that self-same respect. Loyalty or playing the game would suggest he get rid of Cosi, his biggest competitor, but no, he goes for the poor bastard who has done really well in spite of a heelspur. Screw you Michael, I was glad to see you lose as well.

Bryce and Michelle returned to the house, and this makes me very happy, not so much for Michelle, but because Bryce is such a great guy I was glad to see him return to the house. KB takes this badly, whinges for hours on end, and then when Bryce loses a very impressive amount of weight, KB has a go at him about doing it deliberately. Are you out of your mind, you cloth-eared bint??? The guy was on the outside, where he has to live a normal life in addition to losing weight, and you're surprised he lost more when he returned to the house? And, point of order, your weight loss was crap!!! If Bryce hadn't been there...YOU'D STILL BE BELOW THE LINE!!!

Screw her, I hope she goes. Fact is, though, I know it will be Michelle. Bryce will vote out KB (no surprise there), and no matter what shit they spout, Sam and Allison will vote out Michelle because of blue loyalty. Regardless of how Garry votes, this means that Michelle is out. Sad to see her go, but, whatcha gonna do?

Meanwhile, Jason continues his sexual misdirection on So You ThinK You Can Dance by flirting with the dog-ugly Demi and telling her that she has hot legs and bum in "that dress". Really? Still looked like a skank to me, Jase.
Jack and Demi kicked off the night with a cha-cha that was choreographed by Jason Gilkerson and as usual was hard to screw up, although Demi tried, and Jason made it pretty clear from the start that he was not looking at either of them to be one of the winners; particularly Demi no matter what about her arse.

Rhys and Kate were given a Supple hip-hop routine that was really, REALLY challenging, and full of unison. What impressed me was that, in spite of never actually dancing together they still looked like a couple. Sadly the unison was waaay off in the middle, and it showed. Bit of a shame that they were lumbered with that one.

Rhys and Demi then did a contempory number which everyone raved about, and all I could do was sit there thinking how much better it would have been if had been Rhys and Kate. Again there was little connection between the two, and again Demi received the subtle sledging from the judges. Fully deserved, I might add.

Jack and Kate did a little contempory war-inspired routine, and it was amazingly good. Kate (like Rhys) seems to have no problem connecting with her partner, and the dance was so beautiful and Kate was so sexy. The twat in the hat said they were the best couple of the night, which Bonnie agreed with. Big surprise that the twat was so predictable and Bonnie couldn't have an original thought if she tried.

Did I say Kate had no problems connecting with her partner? I mean't male partner. Bring on Demi and it kinda fell apart a little. Kate danced amazingly well, but Demi didn't seem to be able to get it. It was another Supple routine and it just didn't work for me, or for Jason it appears.

Roll on Jack and Rhys in a Chicago number that allowed them to be as gay as they liked, and boy did they love it. Surprisingly Jason went against form and suggested Jack was better than Rhys. COME ON JASON!!! The people won't be able to vote for Rhys if you give crap advice like that! What's wrong with you man?

All four came together for a hip-hop number which bored me rigid, to be frank. I mean, there's only so much hip-hop I can take, and this series has been full of it. It would have been great to see a musical theatre number, maybe, or perhaps a ballroom routine of some description. No, when you get the group together, it's going to be hip-hop. Again. Kate looked hot. That's about the size of it.

The finale of both programs is next week to make way for the new series of Big Brother (and, lo, we got to meet a housemate - some racist, hick grandmother. Yes, clearly they decided that Michelle was the best thing for the series last year, so lets do that again! Can't wait to see some stupid redneck woman being interviewed by that dickhead Kyle...). Who's gonna win Biggest Loser? Hmm...I think it will be Bryce. That should make the Commando happy, if not Shannon and Michelle. Who's gonna win So You Think You Can Dance Australia? My money is...on...ooooo...Rhys. It's a tough call (if not him then Kate), but I'll go Rhys. He's got talent that lad.

Tom Petrovski

Every night the true entertainment for me starts at about 10.50 when Sandra Sully stops flirting with Brad McEwan on the late night Ten news and crosses to CommSec for the stock market news - hosted by Tom Petrovski. I love Tom. He just makes the night worthwhile. He comes on and gamely reads the autocue to the best of his abilities (which usually involves him having a stumble over what he is reading). Once this is done, Sandra tends to dismiss him with a casual thanks and then she moves onto telling us about the Australian dollar, blah, blah, blah, but frankly at that point I've completely lost interest.

I have no idea what it is about ole Tom that sucks you into what he has to say. I never really remember what it is anyway. I'm fascinated by the little details about Tom and the set he comes onto once a day to give us thirty seconds of pointless information. For instance, what's with that graph in the background? It's bloody plummeting! That must be the most depressing thing in the world for those involved in the stock market who turn on the television and look with devastation at that graph. Shit, it's dropped AGAIN! Oh, no...just the same graph as last night.

Also, look closely at Tom's hair. To the side, every so often, there is a little tuft of hair popping out. Has Tom got a mullet? Is he forced, every night, to gel that hair flat to his head so that no one knows that deep down he has a Billy Ray Cyrus identity desire? It simply fascinates me.

But I was content to muse over Tom on a day by day basis, fascinated by that little tuft, devastated when some other idiot appeared to spout the same crap. And then, on Rove when it came back, they crossed to Tom at CommSec. And Tom showed he had a new side to him. Yes, he was the perfect straight man to Rove's stupidity. Tonight was an absolute classic.

"Tom, I believe that it was bad news for the stockmarket today," said Rove.

"I wouldn't know, Rove. I was at the beach."

Laughed? I almost wet myself.

"A+"

Chasm City

I'm sorry David. I tried, I really tried. I wanted to like it so much.

My good friend David Harreveld (who I call David for reasons that are already clear, hopefully - ie that's his name :)) and who I've known for about 27 years recommended a book to me. "You should read Chasm City, because it's really good and I liked it a lot."

Well clearly your taste is in your arse, Harreveld, because the books sucks!! It's soooo slow and it feels like science fiction that was written about fifty years ago. I managed to get about one-sixth of the way into it and I just couldn't go on. It's waaaay too painful.

I'm thinking I will still try and finish it, dipping into it now and then, but I can guarantee you it will not be be finished before my baby is born, and that says to me the book is really, really ordinary.

"D-"

Bully

preparations4birth.blogspot.com is a blog run by a good friend of mine who I know as Rayfield, but whose fiance calls David. There's a reason for that, and another review will explain why (confusion in my head). Anyway, I've known Rayfield for...ooo...about 16 years during which time we've become fantastically good friends (we are even going to write a kick arse...err..story together...not sure what media yet...but I digress). Over the years we've found that we are disagreeing more about movies, though agreeing a lot more about reality television specifics, and more importantly we have almost exactly the same love of computer games. Yes, even Resident Evil, though playing all games back to back was a bit much, dude :).

Anyway, one day he came up to me and said "Bully, buy it." Yeah, he seriously said it that way. He's not keen on using excess dialogue when talking (writing, completely different story). I said "Is it that good?". He said: "Shit yeah. It's fucking great." He is keen on using swearwords, but snaps to him for that. So I bought it and have just finished it. And is it that good? Shit yeah!

There's something about school related stories that I quite love, and I'm not sure if it's just the fact that I was a teacher and am so indoctrinated into that environment, or if it's because it's like a cool little microcosm reflecting everything about the real world.

In Bully you play an ugly little shit who goes around and brings the school under his control - nerds, preppies, greasers and jocks - and you pick up girlfriends along the way. There is a lot of fighting and like most of Rockstar (did I mention Rockstar made it?)'s Grand Theft Auto games, you play the story through a series of missions, with a number of side missions to get you some money. There's mini-games as you try to complete classes at school as well as try to earn some cash through difficult things like delivering papers and cutting grass. It's actually a great game.

Contrary to all the shit that was spouted about the game, if you beat up on girls or kids you are instantly fucked, and if you beat up on adults or actually bully, your "trouble meter" gets very high very quick. In other words, you wanna punch someone in the face, make sure it's some bastard who's a lot bigger than you are, and the police and prefects aren't around when you do it. Equally you don't improve your health by fighting...no you improve that by snogging.
I finished the storyline, but I'm only 80% of the way through the game and still have stuff to do. Happily, like GTA, when you finish you can go back and complete the missions you didn't do earlier.

"A"

Doctor Who: Planet Of The Ood (Series 4)

Y'know (or maybe you don't) when you are having something that you enjoy heaps and heaps, and then you have one that is good, but not as great as it is usually, and you say: "well that's the worst of what I've had". Like, say you've been shagging...ooohh...Scarlett Johansson, and it's just great all the time. And then you have sex with her, and you don't...y'know. I don't have to spell it out. But, come on...you just shagged Scarlett Johansson! So, it's not the best sex you've ever had, or indeed even as good as what you usually get with Scarlett, but because you're doing it with Scarlett, by definition it is still damn good.

Planet Of The Ood is that non-orgasmic-Scarlett-sex. It's entertaining. It's lots of fun, well acted (how great was Tim McInerny...a criminally underrated actor, that man), looks fantastic - love that alien planet - and has some great action sequences (Graeme Harper, best director of Doctor both classic and new series). And yet, I didn't fangasm. Oh, it was kinda cool to hear the reference to the Sense-Sphere (The Sensorites; 1964; Hartnell) but overall it was just..."yeah, that was cool".

See, I've used the word cool twice in the same sentence...that's how..."cool" it was. But it wasn't "fucking kickarse". In fact it was so "cool" there's pretty much nothing more I can think of to say to review it. Did I mention Tim McInerny? Oh yes...What about Catherine Tate? She was pretty good this week...like last week. Not as good this week, not as indignant.

Actually I may be onto something. This story was actually filmed before the previous two episodes and perhaps the fact that Series 4 is still trying to feel its feet, perhaps that was the big problem. Although another point to note is that I don't actually remember any witty lines from the show, and there lies another difficulty. Keith Temple's script was what people like to describe as "servicable". Yes, it did the job but it didn't hit the clever dialogue heights that Davies injects into his owns scripts.

I'm really trying to think of something great to say, but at the end of the day, there's nothing to say.

"C+"

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit - Fight (Season 9)

After the brilliance that was last week's episode of Law & Order, this week's goes back to being the somewhat pedestrian and sensationalist. One thing to notice about this season is that, with the introduction of Adam Beech's Chester Lake character, there seems to be bit more of a balance in the detectives work, with Stabler and Benson finally taking the back seat to Tutuola and his partner - this season, of course, being Lake.

Lake gets to take center stage as he two black boys are arrested for the murder and rape of a young woman in a park. Yes, sure it was trailed by Ten as being all about X-treme Wrestling and the possiblity of a wrestler being the rapist, but lo and behold they ruled him out before the first ad break. Appealing to the sensationalism of the world the victim had her lips torn off - so not only do we hear about it, but we briefly get to see it, and it looks pretty bloody awful (as in disgusting, not poorly created). Once Lake and Tutuola alibi the wrestler we go to two black kids who are having problems trying to fit into the world of the rich white. It's a theme that's not underused in L&O:SVU, and there's a certain predictability about it, particularly when the detectives don't think that the boys actually committed the rape.

Of course they didn't, and the confession by one of them is simply to cover for his brother who he thinks did it, but didn't. Thankfully they don't become too cliched as it transpires that the real killer was the black leader of a gang (although perhaps that is cliched...it's so hard to tell these days). In the most surprising moment of the show, however, the killer jumps off a roof into a trash truck and gets compressed. Just a little gross...

An enjoyable romp the episode perhaps fails to deliver because the Tutuola/Lake combination is still not as secure as we'd like it to be (this episode was obviously one of the earlier ones to be filmed, particularly as Cragen makes a bizarre comment to Lake suggesting he hasn't been there for very long). Or maybe we're just so used to Stabler and Benson doing the investigating it seems wrong to us.

"B-"

Ms Kwan

Ok, so there are times for me to be gushy and times for me to be really, really harsh. This review has been a bit of a time coming, I have to say. It was begged for, demanded (apparently by Hollie who didn't even leave a message on the blog - what a bitch! Oh yeah...I went there...you be hatin' girlfrien'!...as we say in the hood) for and something I also said I'd do in passing.

Right, so negatives first. Kwan has no sense of colour. She thinks Kate on dance Australia has brown hair. It's RED you color blind bimbo!!! Open your eyes!!! (Having said that, I've just taken a little look at some photos of Kate and I have to admit her red is very dark red...so maybe I'm being a gnat's wing harsh...meh, Kwan can take it :)). She has the worst taste in movies (look at her collection - there is *no* variety in there whatsoever...it's just chick flick, chick flick, chick flick...variety dear, variety!! It's the spice of life). Her taste in television is not much better (she loves Sex & The City...god, if ever there was a television show that thought it was cool because it introduced a bit of nudity and women talking about being sluts this is it. No, it's not good television...it's painful...Chris Noth must cry himself to sleep for the fact that he was actually in this blight of a programme). Her only redeeming feature in terms of television is her love of reality shows, like myself.

And that's a good point. Kwan, like myself, is one of the few people who have the necessary knowledge of everything to be able to judge all reality programmes. Oh yes, we know that Demi is shit. And she is, not because she is, but because we said she is. We know Cosi is a prick. Snaps to Kwan for that.

Now...clothes sense...not another area for her to be proud of. I mean, she always looks "green sticker" (you know what I'm talking about K-Dog+), but when she chooses clothes to wear...oh god. We're talking turd-in-grass dress, we're talking my-skin-fades-into-the-dress dress...some really bad choices there, dear, really bad. And I told her the last one was bad, but she wouldn't listen.

OH GOD and that's another thing. SHE NEVER LISTENS TO ME!!! It's like...

Kwan: Hi Ry, today I've decided to jump off a cliff.

Ryan: Kwan, I think that's a bad idea."

Kwan: Really? Well in that case I'll just have to do it.

Ryan: Is that because you're stupid?

Kwan: Well, now you come to mention it, given that you know everything I suppose I am.

Ryan: Someone shoot me now.

I swear I could slap that bi-atch silly!

But here's the thing. Kwan's my little sister. OK, not my real little sister - she lives in London and I love her to bits. But I've had Kwan (well, not had in the biblical sense) in my house for close to a year, and I've known her ever since I taught her way back in the nineties, and I think of her as my little sister. I'm protective of her, I don't like her doing dumb things, and I love having her around. She's going to move out soon to make way for my daughter, but that's kind of a shame because she really is an aunty to young mini-Sarah.

I'm going to miss her.

"A++" (in spite of all the above ;) And that's probably the highest grade she's ever received from me :)).

PS - she's also hot and has great boobs. Just ask her about the boobs. Oh yeah...:D