Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Frame (Season Seven)

The day after breaking a case, and the anniversary of the death of Goren's mother, Frank Goren is found dead, and Goren just happens to be at the scene of the crime. Goren is keen to be involved, particularly when it looks like Frank's killer might have been Nicole Wallace. However, after tracking down Nicole, they discover a heart which Rodgers confirms belongs to Wallace. Goren begins to lose sight of the case, not helped by Ross's belief that Goren might be the killer. Forced into investigating Goren, Eames finds herself in an unenviable position, and Rodgers also is forced into betraying Goren's trust. With no one to turn to, Goren finds himself again keeping company with Declan Gage, who is convinced that the killer is someone close to Goren - possibly even Eames herself.

I laughed my arse off during this episode when I got a phone call from a friend to tell me that he thought Goren looked like a fat, hobo - all he was missing was a bottle of whiskey, and there is a certain truth in that statement. It's a little ironic that the plot of the episode is about Dr Declan Gage believing that Goren has fallen off the rails and he is determined to put him back on track. Of course, as only a complete nutcase could think, his solution is to murder a large number of people.

This is Warren Leight's last episode as showrunner and one gets the feeling that he's decided to wrap up Goren's life completely with a completely fresh start. As a result, aside from the return of Dr Declan Gage, we also see the return of Nicole Wallace (although rather surprisingly her appearances are actaully very small), Gwen Chappell, Frank Goren and copious amounts of flashbacks to previous episodes. And, with the exception of Gwen, they are all bumped off (although, to be fair, Gage's death is still impending).

I don't have any conscientious objections to episodes featuring returning characters, although in Criminal Intent I'd probably prefer it happened a lot less, although that said I didn't mind Goren's tussels with Nicole Wallace - she was, after all, the Moriarty to his Holmes. I was never terribly happy with the whole Goren family storyline, and the death of Frank, and the discovery that serial killer Mike Brady was indeed Goren's father will hopefully end the entire situation.

The problem with this episode was that there wasn't any real invesitagation. It was Goren and Eames following a series of stupid clues and never actually solving a crime. There was no real showdown between Goren and Gage because Gage pretty much confessed and spent the rest of the time talking about why he did it. And, most annoying of all, it seems Nicole's final end is almost an offscreen thing. The last Nicole Wallace episode, for anyone who may remember, was the episode which had two endings that the public had to vote for. The ending they voted for, of course, was the one where Nicole escaped before the police arrived, but it seems such a shame as the alternate ending where Goren shot her seemed a far more appropriate end to her. And in light of this episode, it was a much better finale for her.

This episode also cemented the relationship between Goren and Eames, as Eames is forced into investigating her partner, but it's nice to see later she is pretty firm in her defense of her partner, not just to Gage, but also to Ross. I've spent the last few years hoping Goren would punch Ross in the face, but sadly as close as Goren gets to doing in this episode it never happens. In fact Ross is a complete prick in this episode, and while it's understandable that he should consider Goren a suspect, his complete lack of faith in his best detective is constantly surprising. Last week he lost Logan, this week he's coming close to losing Goren - given the amount of cases these two detectives close, you'd think that the COD's would have something to say about it - except as we all know he hates Goren as well. Whatever happened to the days when Deakins ran the department and Goren merely had to think someone was guilty for Carver to issue a warrent.

With Leight moving on, hopefully this is the end of the two year period of deep, dark personal issues and we can go back to solving cases with that quirky Goren manner.

"B"

NCIS: Cloak (Season Six)

Three days before Ducky and Palmer get a shock by discovering one of their corpses delivered to a top secret Naval Base, Gibbs briefs his team about an attempt by them to infiltrate a top secret Naval Base and steal Domino - the very thing that Langer appeared to be attempting to steal when Vance disbanded Gibbs' team. Tony and Ziva do the main work and, with hints from Lee, they infiltrate the base, only to be immediately caught. Vance and the Secretary of the Navy are both called in, with Vance telling Davenport that it was all a setup to find the leak in NCIS that still exists. Both Vance and Gibbs know it is Lee and thanks to Abby they have sprung a trap. When Vance later apparently has Abby arrested, this gives Lee an excuse to leave the locked down NCIS HQ, but she is quickly arrested when she makes contact with the outside world. Lee tells Gibbs she has a daughter being held hostage, but Vance believes this to be a lie. Nonetheless DiNozzo, Ziva, McGee, Abby and Palmer are shocked to see Lee leave the building without anyone stopping her.

So it turns out that Gibbs was right, and Vance was completely wrong, and poor old Langer was a victim of a conspiracy of which Michelle Lee was part of. Not that that comes out in the first five minutes, but it was pretty obvious from the last few episodes. It's nice, though, that rather than wait til the end of the season to resolve this plot line, it's come as a mid-season two parter (which Australia's Channel TEN has decided the first part of which is the season finale...do they think we're stupid? Do they seriously think we can't count? A season finale after seven episodes? What, has the writer's strike started again???). What's perhaps rather nice about this story is that, rather than have it turn out that Lee has been a villain for the past few years, she was, in fact, being forced into this with the existance of a daughter no one has ever heard of. Strangely enough I actually don't have too much of a problem with that plotline, particularly when it transpires that she had the child when she was very young and her mother has been raising it. Fair enough, she wouldn't be the first.

The attempt to break into the top secret naval base is pretty entertaining as McGee is obsessed with using a fire drill which the other's all say is a bad idea, and sure enough when they are caught it is because someone sets off a fire drill (well, I say someone, obviously I mean Lee). Everyone's reactions to the situation are interesting - DiNozzo's anger at being manipulated not only by Lee, but also by Gibbs who he abuses through Ducky - and indeed Ducky himself is less than impressed with the way Gibbs had handled the situation. The scene between Gibbs, Ducky and DiNozzo is actually really well acted and it's interesting to see how each of them responds to the other - David MacCallum injects a considerable authority into Ducky that seems to put DiNozzo in his place as well sending a signal to Gibbs.

Meanwhile we get a little more confirmation about Ziva's feelings for Tony when she suggests they should follow orders and, after Tony points out that Ziva most certainly didn't follow orders when they were caught, she only attacked their captors because she was worried about Tony. And on top of that there is the slightly scary moment when, for just a bit, you think that Abby has betrayed the team as well (why did I even fall for that one??).

Cloak, of course, ends on a cliffhanger, as Lee discovers she is now being shadowed by Gibbs. Channel Ten has decided to just randomly stop showing the series now, so consequently I will happily stand up and say I'm pirating the next episode. Do I feel guilty? Nope. I wouldn't have paid for the episode anyway, and I'll be buying the DVD boxed set when it's released so I'll contributing properly. Screw you Channel Ten. Rock on, NCIS.

"A"

Quantum Of Solace

I happen to be one of those people who go to the movies to get some entertainment, and I don't necessarily go looking for deep insights into life. As a result, on leaving a cinema, I'm rarely disappointed by what I saw, and so perhaps am not the best reviewer of a movie after I've left it. Consequently I've left it a couple of days before giving my review of Quantum of Solace.

Having criticised The Dark Knight for being too much of a Chris Nolan film rather than a Batman film, I have to say that Quantum of Solace comes very close to being too much of a Marc Foster movie than a James Bond movie. Stylistically, QoS is further away from even Casino Royale and part of this comes from Foster's decision to use his own creative team, rather than the standard Bond one. Daniel Kleinman, for example, has been dumped from doing the title sequence, and instead Mk12 step in to provide both this and the gunbarrel logo. This gives the movie quite a different feel (although Mk12's decision to restore the silhouettes of women to the title sequence is an interesting step back to tradition). In terms of style, my one big complaint would be that it is perhaps time to return the gunbarrel to the beginning of the movie, rather than, in this case, leading into the closing credits. CR was able to have a pre-title sequence in black and white which gave a firm feeling of the movie beginning, whereas QoS kicks in with an action sequence and, for a moment, I was unsure if the movie had begun, or if I was watching another trailer.

Oddly enough, as the movie stylistically moves away from its predecessors (another example of this is the appearance of very exaggerated location subtitles) James Bond himself becomes more and more like the Bond of old. He spends the majority of the film in a tailored suit, and at one point is back in tuxedo. After the joke in CR, he most certainly does give a damn about how he likes his vodka martinis, and more than that, the idea of staying at accomodation that is anything less than five star has become something of an anathema to him. Perhaps the most obvious example of his actions, however, is that, within an hour of meeting MI6 agent Strawberry Fields (easily one of the silliest names for a Bond girl ever, but thankfully we only discover her first name in the credits) he shags her silly. Rather oddly, though, this is the only sex Bond has in the movie, implied or otherwise. Bond only actually gets a single kiss from primary Bond girl Camille, before she walks off into the distance. But Bond is still as brutal and as callous as he was in CR. At one point "M" is forced to ask Bond not to kill their lead as he has already murdered three of them. Though this is symptomatic of Bond being a broken man. Vesper's betrayal from CR weighs heavily on him, and it is this more than the hunt for Quantum that makes QoS a direct sequel to CR. Bond himself continues to develop, seeking for a way to end the pain of Vesper, while hardening himself against the possibility of having his heart betrayed again. Barbara Broccoli has said that there will be one more film in the development of Bond to 007, and it certainly seems that she and Michael G Wilson have indeed been planning this with some thoroughness.

Whereas CR was the longest Bond film to date, QoS goes the other way, and is the shortest film in the entire series. To a certain degree I believe this has meant that the movie has suffered ever so slightly. While CR took the opportunity to occasionally reflect on what has happened, QoS from the very outset hits the ground running and seems to rarely let up. We have a pre-title sequence that is nothing but action leading into a short moment where White laughs at MI6 before there is more action. Bond is sent to Haiti for more action before going to Austria for a bit more action, and so on. This leads to what trailer makers call a "high octane" film, but unfortunately gives some slightly muddled plotting as a result. Reflection is needed in order to work out quite what is happening. Bond's mission occasionally seems disjointed as he travels from lead to lead, but the most confusing moment comes with regard to Mathis who, on his deathbed, tells Bond that they forgive each other and tells Bond that Mathis was indeed his cover name, which Bond says was a stupid name. It's never quite clear if Mathis is saying he was always a double agent, with Mathis not his real name and that's why Bond should forgive him - or if Mathis is his real name, and he used it as a cover name in Bolivia (hence a stupid cover name)...although quite why they forgive each other still remains unclear. Equally Mr White, who Bond tried so hard to hand over to "M" in the pretitle sequence, disappears and is never heard from again. I understand a scene was filmed where Bond tracked him and the British envoy down and dealt with both of them, but this scene was cut. One can only hope the reason for the cut was that this will be developed in the next film, rather than they just wanted to remove it to pick up the pace of the movie.

Marc Foster's hand can be felt throughout the entire movie - Bond's opponent, Dominic Greene as played by Mathieu Amalric (The two Quantum members we've seen now are Greene and White...will we see Red and Black?) is an everyman with no noticeable foibles; in fact, if anything Greene seems to be a little weed of a character. It's almost hard to believe that Bond doesn't simply kick his arse when he and Greene come face to face. Equally, Greene has no stand out henchmen of note. Indeed the nebulous Quantum organisation seems to be the villain of the movie more than Greene himself. This in of itself isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean that Bond doesn't seem to have an opponent worthy of him in the film. This isn't really Amalric's fault, but it does make him a less than memorable character.

Olga Kurylenku is Bond girl Camille Montes, and she is one of the more complex Bond girls we've seen for a long time. Initially she seems to be playing against Dominic Greene, despite being his lover at the same time, but ultimately she is revealed to have been at the very least trained by the Bolivian secret service in search of the same revenge that Bond is - albeit hers is against would-be Bolivian dictator General Medrano. Medrano raped her mother and killed her father, while leaving her to almost burn to death, and nastily scarring her back. In a nice bit of character development, this means she suffers from pyrophobia in the film's finale, giving Bond the opportunity to play Knight in White Shining Armour as he has to rescue her.

Gemma Arterton, though credited quite high in the film, has little screen time as MI6 Agent Fields, and ends up covered in oil, having been drowned in it, in a rather nice homage to Goldfinger. Jeffrey Wright also has his screen time cut down as CIA agent Felix Leiter which is a shame as he is developing the character quite nicely. Leiter appears to have the same strong sense of fair play that Bond has, making them good partners. Giancarlo Giannini returns as Rene Mathis and it is great to see this character return, complete with the baggage that he brings from CR. It's almost disappointing to see him pass at the end of the film, but at the same time it seems quite fitting.
One person who does not suffer is Judi Dench, returning for her sixth outing as "M". Dench is again absolutely superb in the film, having complete trust in her best agent, while at the same time not entirely happy about his cavalier attitude towards life and death (see what I did there?). "M" is joined by Tanner in this film, now portrayed by Rory Kinnear, but here Tanner is nothing more than replacing Villiers from the last film.

A new production designer brings a different feel to the movie, as does the new director of photography, but both of them are trying very hard to keep in the Bond style, with the Austrian opera performance being of particular note as a set that is both awe-inspiring while also being just that little OTT Bond style. David Arnold returns to score the film, and uses both the James Bond theme and Jack White & Alicia Keys theme (which slowly grows on you, and works wonderfully opposite the interesting title sequence) liberally throughout the score.

No doubt in a few years from now I'll rewatch this movie and have a slightly different opinion, but this is the initial feel. A good film and a good chance for Daniel Craig to cement his position as James Bond.

Favourite Bond: 1. Timothy Dalton; 2. Daniel Craig; 3. Roger Moore; 4. Sean Connery; 5. George Lazenby; 6. Pierce Brosnan

Favourite movie order: 1. The Living Daylights; 2. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 3. Casino Royale; 4. Dr No; 5. Licence To Kill; 6. A View To A Kill; 7. Live And Let Die; 8. Quantum Of Solace; 9. Thunderball; 10. For Your Eyes Only; 11. Octopussy 12. The Spy Who Loved Me; 13. Tomorrow Never Dies; 14. GoldenEye; 15. From Russia, With Love; 16. Goldfinger; 17. You Only Live Twice; 18. Moonraker; 19. The World Is Not Enough; 20. The Man With The Golden Gun; 21. Die Another Day; 22. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl: 1. Carey Lowell/Pam; 2. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 3. Diana Rigg/Tracy; 4. Eva Green/Vesper; 5. Olga Kurylenku/Camille; 6. Carole Bouquet/Melina; 7. Izabella Scorupco/Natalya; 8. Barbara Bach/Anya; 9. Maud Adams/Octopussy; 10. Michelle Yeoh/Wai Lin; 11. Mie Hama/Kissy; 12. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 13. Ursula Andress/Honey; 14. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 15. Maryam D'Abo/Kara; 16. Lois Chiles/Holly; 17. Honor lackman/Pussy; 18. Tanya Roberts/Stacy; 19. Denise Richards/Christmas; 20. Halle Berry/Jinx; 21. Britt Ekland/Mary; 22. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain: 1. Robert Davi/Sanchez; 2. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 3. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 4. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 5. Jeroen Krabbe & Joe Don Baker/Koskov & Whittaker; 6. Christopher Walken/Zorin; 7. Louis Jordan & Steven Berkov/Kahn & Orlov 8. Jonathan Pryce/Carver; 9. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 10. Mads Mikkelsen/Le Chiffre; 11. Sean Bean/Trevelyan; 12. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 13. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 14. Julian Glover/Kristatos; 15. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 16. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 17. Mathieu Almaric; 18. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 19. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 20. Toby Stephens/Graves; 21. Sophie Marceau/Elektra; 22. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

Doctor Who - The Doctor Trap (BBC Books)

With the Doctor now being the confirmed last of the Time Lords, the idea of him being hunted down because of this is not a particularly new one within in the Doctor Who novels. When I read that The Doctor Trap would be about a hunter trying to get the ultimate prize of the last of the Time Lords, I couldn't help but think that we were just retreading the same old ground. However, to my surprise The Doctor Trap is a very, very different beast.

Sebastianne is the hunter, but he appears to be a virtual god on his home planet. Having summoned a group of hunters to capture the Doctor (a group which are a little cautious about the whole idea of hunting down the legendary Doctor), and with the help of the Doctor's greatest fan who now looks like the Doctor, Sebastianne is ready to get his prize. However, the Doctor is one step ahead of his hunters and is preparing to spring the Doctor Trap...

It's a little different to have a story where the Doctor is ahead of the villains these days. There was a time when it was virtually par for the course, but over the last few years we once again have a Doctor who plays things by the seat of his pants. What's so good about this story is that, although appearing to be a step ahead of this enemies, the Doctor is in fact still playing things by the seat of his pants, but manages to convey the idea that he is ahead of his opponents. The story manages to give us a twist on two old ideas, while still being fresh and original.

Meanwhile, Donna is being Donna, brashly believing that the Doctor's biggest fan is actually the Doctor, but still with the same moral outrage that makes her so endearing as a character.

Arguably one of the better new series adventures, The Doctor Trap gives a great story with great characterisation.

"A"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Last Rites (Season Seven)

A friend of Lennie Briscoe's approaches Logan about a deathbed confession to a triple homicide, but unfortunately he can offer very little details, forcing Wheeler and Logan to dig deep to find the actual case. Having found the case, they find that someone was already convicted - though he vehemently denies it, stating that his alibi was he was breaking into another car, though no one reported this. The case had two eye-witnesses, but as they are uncovered, the detectives find that one was blind in one eye, and the other was bargained into being a witness - and the ADA who tried the case was Terri Driver. Given Driver's history, Logan is convinced that she didn't investigate properly, and another suspect soon comes to light. Meanwhile, Driver is concerned about her reputation, and discovers that Wheeler's fiance has mob connections. As Logan and Driver clash in the press, Wheeler soon becomes the victim, and Logan begins to question his career.

There is something of the landmark about this episode, being as it is Detective Logan's final appearance on Criminal Intent, and arguably the entire Law & Order franchise. Chris Noth was almost synonymous with Law & Order, trumped in recent years by Jerry Orbach, Sam Waterston and S Epatha Merkerson. But Noth's firey detective has brought spice to the series, fighting with the DA's office and coming into conflict with his partners over the years. This last episode is almost a homage to all of those things as Logan's actions are disapproved of, not just by Ross, but also by Wheeler as he is determined to go into battle with ADA Terri Driver. When Driver asks him at one point if he is prepared to fight her office, given Logan's past relationship with now DA McCoy, it's perhaps not so surprising that he probably is.

But even as Logan decides to leave, having probably destroyed his career in obtaining justice (not for the first time), his partner Wheeler also suffers considerably as a result. Opening the episode by looking absolutely hot in a blue number to attend a benefit function, Wheeler starts to get out and about with her fiance only for her to soon discover that he may actually have a shady side; one which someone is prepared to blow open in order to protect their own secrets. Quite who that is, is never revealed (although there are enough hints for us to assume that it is actually ADA Driver), but Logan's actions finally do indeed have the consequences that seem inevitable and Wheeler's private life is destroyed.

Plotwise the episode is an interesting one, a murder case having been rush investigated and prosecuted, resulting in some poor guy being locked away in prison for sixteen years for a crime he didn't commit. Logan, with Wheeler's unquestioning support, uncovers the truth of the situation, but this in itself seems hardly the point of the exercise. Nothing is going to be done until Logan goes to the press with information that is embarrassing to the criminal justice system. The episode is about Logan's determination to see justice, and the lengths he will go to get it.

Am I disappointed that Logan is going? Well, part of me is, and part of me isn't. Logan's never quite seemed entirely comfortable at Major Case, but seeing Logan back in action has been an absolute joy. Thanks for returning Chris. We've enjoyed it.

"A-"

NCIS: Collateral Damage (Season Six)

A bank robbery at Quantico which results in the death of a security guard brings in NCIS, with Vance insisting that they keep control of the investigation over the FBI. He also appoints a new propationary agent to the team who points out that if the robbery three days later the robbers would have made an extra hundred thousand, and Gibbs realises that the security guard was the true target. As Agent Wilson and DiNozzo uncover a former robbery that has a strange similarity to their current case, and Abby notices a distinctive tattoo that sparks a memory. Meanwhile, Gibbs self confidence begins to restore and he begins to think further about Langer's betrayal.

This episode's plot doesn't center around it, but it's nice to be reminded that Special Agent Michelle Lee is not playing straightball with the agency, something which Director Leon Vance seems completely oblivious to. The fact that Gibbs believes he chose a traitor to join the agency (Agent Langer) has obviously been playing on his mind, and when he gets Ducky to do a psychological evaluation on the probationary teammember that has been assigned to him, Ducky in fact does one on Gibbs himself, pointing out that he is human and prone to making mistakes as well. But what is nice is that Gibbs actually sees this as a reaffirming of his own confidence and as such a belief that he didn't make a mistake about Langer. What adds to this is an interesting exchange between Vance and Gibbs:

Vance: Our agents should be more like McGee than DiNozzo.

Gibbs: You mean more like me than you, Leon.

Firstly it's interesting that he sees DiNozzo as being a younger Gibbs (and thank God - Todd may have given DiNozzo a hard time, but she still essentially liked him, as did McGee when she was around. Since Ziva's shown up it seems that no one outside of Abby actually likes DiNozzo, let alone respects his abilities. It's nice that Gibbs affirms to Vance that he has time for DiNozzo and his methods), but more interesting is that Gibbs sudden desire to validate Langer seems to stem from an urge to invalidate Vance.

Back onto the episode itself - once again Ducky has virtually nothing to do, while Abby gets a little less herself this time round, although it's great to see that her recognising a tattoo is essential to the solving of the case. What's also great is that DiNozzo is not sidelined and gets the opportunity to prove why he is the senior agent (not least noting that when the two men are shot at the end, they are taken down by Gibbs and DiNozzo). The probationary agent lends a nice touch to the episode, and everyone else plays their part competently.

A good episode.

"B"

The Bond Films In Retrospect

Having watched the Bond films, let me tell you the things that made them great, and the things that made them...not so much so...

In order of my preference:

The Living Daylights - Highlight: Timothy Dalton

On Her Majesty's Secret Service - Highlight: George Lazenby

Casino Royale - Highlight: Daniel Craig

Dr No - Highlight: Terrence Young's direction

Licence To Kill - Highlight: John Glen's direction

A View To A Kill - Highlight: Roger Moore; Lowlight: Roger Moore's age

Live And Let Die - Highlight: Roger Moore; Lowlight: Sherriff J W Pepper

Thunderball - Highlight: Sean Connery & Claudine Auger; Lowlight: The underwater fights

For Your Eyes Only - Highlight: John Glen's direction; Lowlight: the man with the bottle of wine

Octopussy - Highlight: The villains; Lowlight: James Bond doing an impression of Tarzan

The Spy Who Loved Me - Highlight: Lewis Gilbert's direction; Lowlight: The navy band version of the theme

Tomorrow Never Dies - Highlight: Jonathan Pryce; Lowlight: The script

GoldenEye - Highlight: Judi Dench; Lowlight: Jack Wade

From Russia, With Love - Highlight: Terrence Young's direction; Lowlight: The title sequence

Goldfinger - Highlight: Sean Connery; Lowlight: Bond and M's relationship

You Only Live Twice - Highlight: Donald Pleasance; Lowlight: Lack of Fleming based material

Moonraker - Highlight: Micheal Lonsdale; Lowlight: Jaws

The World Is Not Enough - Lowlight: The script

The Man With The Golden Gun - Lowlight: Herve Vellechaize

Die Another Day - Lowlight: The script

Diamonds Are Forever - Lowlight: Sean Connery

Casino Royale

James Bond is definitely not the man he used to be.

After the four Brosnan films, which progressively got more and more dire, I was happy at the end of Die Another Day for Bond to hang up his Walther and move on. Forty years is a pretty good run for any film series, and twenty films has to be some sort of record, so RIP Commander Bond. However, with the huge takings from Die Another Day, you could pretty much guarantee that a new film was about to arrive, and you could also bet that it would be more of the same - after all, only a fool of a producer would take the series in a completely different direction. A fool, or very brave...

When Bond 21 (as it was so charmingly called for so long) went into negotiations, Brosnan demanded exorbitant sums of money and so his services were dispensed with. My stomach sank when Daniel Craig was announced as the new Bond. Everyone was up in arms about him being blonde, and non-fans couldn't understand why. "We're just used to seeing a tall, dark Bond" they said..."It's not like the description is written down somewhere." Except it is. Try reading the books - they may not have the scar, or the comma above the right eyebrow, but Connery, Lazenby, Dalton and Brosnan come pretty close to the description that Ian Fleming gave. Even Moore isn't way off. Craig is nothing like the description.

And then the word "reboot" was bandied around.

The first teaser came out, and Craig looked distinctly uncomfortable at the end when the camera zoomed in on him. "God, I hope I don't screw this one up," his eyes seemed to be saying.

Then the first trailer came out. And suddenly it looked as though Craig was going to do something that Brosnan decided not to. He may not look like Bond, but he was going to act Bond.

And by God is he good. Daniel Craig seems to get the part in a way that Pierce Brosnan never quite seemed able to. Yes, Bond is a bit juvenile at times - in Casino Royale he can't help but give a smug smile of satisfaction when the loudmouth who treated him as a chauffeur discovered his car smashed. But Bond is not an adolescent. And he is a cold-blooded killer. When "M" says she would tell him to keep his emotions out of it but that's not his problem, Bond agrees. He has no feelings for anyone. He has a job and is ruthlessly efficient in it's execution - if not very stylish.

As this is a reboot, the movie kicks off without the traditional gunbarrel; just straight into a black and white pre-title sequence where Bond dispatches a treasonous MI6 section chief. He has no 00-status. But the titles start with a new gunbarrel (very different to the old one, and one can't quite understand why that is - only the fans would know the difference, and would be upset by the unnecessary change, which suggests they were trying to annoy the fans) which leads into the title sequence that is also very different to its predecessors. Gone are the nakes silhouettes, rather we get a playing card/gambling motif with a variety of fights that result in attackers disintegrating into hearts, spades, clubs or diamonds. During the titles we learn Bond is granted his 00 status. In effect, this brilliant sequence is what Die Another Day could have been.

In fact, Casino Royale is the reboot that GoldenEye half-heartedly attempts to be. It's long been debated as to whether Brosnan is the same Bond as Connery, Lazenby, Moore or Dalton, and while there are little hints to suggest he is not, there is nothing definite, and some specific comments to indicate that it is the same Bond (mainly Bond's point about Judi Dench's "M" being the new "M", giving a film continuity. That, and Desmond Llewellyn of course). Craig's Bond is clearly not the same man as his predecessors, not even if you pretend that this is a prequel in the series. There is no Moneypenny, there is no "Q". The only link to the previous films is Judi Dench as "M", and she plays the part in a different manner to her time opposite Brosnan. This new "M" has been around since the cold war, and has very little time for Bond and his methods. But he is her blunt instrument to be wielded and manipulated as she sees fit.

But Bond is occasionally more resourceful than his boss realises. He knows when she manipulates him, but goes along with it anyway. He is an investigator, able to access "M"'s home and computer where other people can't. But there is no denying he is a blunt instrument. It's not just his dismissal of the question as to how he wants his martini; rather it is in the way he carries himself. In the opening sequence, post-titles, he chases after bombmaker Mollaka (played by athelete Sébastien Foucan, inventor of free running, which is used extensively in the fight); but where Mollaka jumps through small gaps with grace, Bond lumbers through fibro walls, causing destruction without forethought. But what is great about this movie is that Bond develops throughout the film, becoming more and more like the James Bond we know. By the end fight against White and his men, Bond is more cunning, thinking more about the fight. The clever quips become more frequent as the movie progresses. By the end of the movie, when he utters the words "My name's Bond, James Bond" for the first and only time in the movie (to the James Bond theme which is played complete for the first time as well), he has almost become the character we knew. It's a brilliant bit of acting and, to be fair Neil Purvis, Robert Wade and Paul Haggis, a cleverly written screenplay. If I were to compare, Craig plays the part similarly to Dalton, very cool, very hard, with some spectacular dialogue and a sweet charm.

There are numerous moments in the film which, despite a developing Bond, are typically Bondian: when Mollaka throws a gun at Bond, he catches it and throws it back, smacking him in the face; and a brilliant line where Bond tells Vesper she is not his type, not because she is smart, but because she is single. Two personal little things I also like were that the strongest word Bond uses in the film is "bloody", but he makes it sound like an f-word; and Bond finally refers to Dench's "M" as ma'am. At last!

Though they are, for the first time in a long while, using Fleming's original novel as a basis. In fact the film feels a bit like Michael G Wilson had quite a hand in it. Surrounded on either side by mini adventures which show why Le Chiffre needs to gamble the poker game at Casino Royale, and Bond's hunt for Mr White, Fleming's novel is translated in the middle quite well.

Martin Campbell returns to direct the film, and he deserves considerable credit for what he has achieved. The pre-title sequence is directed brilliantly (and although this is true for most of the movie, the lighting and photography of the pre-titles deserve particular praise), and the movie itself is full of action, tempered with character moments and, rather bravely, a poker game. It's a little amazing that in a James Bond action film, Campbell decides to show people sitting down playing poker, but it is such a relief from the absurdity of the previous films, and acted and directed so well, that time doesn't seem to drag. Indeed the whole movie, despite being the longest Bond film to date, rattles along at quite a pace.

The film gives us no less than three villains - the main one being Mads Mikkelsen's Le Chiffre, a money man for a mysterious organisation that is represented by Jesper Christensen's Mr White. Le Chiffre appears to be an asthmatic who, thanks to blocked tear duct, weeps blood (this is no in Fleming's novel, but it is a very Fleming idea), while, thanks to some great acting, we see that White doesn't entirely trust Le Chiffre from the outset. The third villain is terrorist Colonel Obanno (Isaach De Bankole), who gives his money to Le Chiffre, only to be stabbed in the back - something which he intends to do to Le Chiffre. Ironically, it is Bond who saves Le Chiffre's life in a very vicious fight with Obanno in a stairwell. Mads Mikkelsen brings Le Chiffre to life in a fantastic way, playing him very much as a human being. There is a panic in Le Chiffre's eyes from the moment he tells his banker precisely how much money he has lost, to the final torture scene where he realises that Bond isn't going to give him the money he needs to save his life. It's a fantastic performance.

It's worth taking a moment to talk about the fights and stunts in general. Gone is the rubbish CGI from Die Another Day, rather we get a return to stuntmen performing real stunts. Sure, their harnesses may be digitally removed, but there's something satisfying about a stuntman smashing into a crane that a CGI figure surfing a melting glacier doesn't quite deliver. The fights have returned to the nasty fights of the 60s and 80s, with not only the fight between Obanno and Bond standing out, but also the battle between Bond and White's men at the end, which is particularly nasty, if not just for the use of a nail gun. A brilliantly staged fight between Bond and henchman Alex Dimitrios over a
knife is also interesting; not a word is uttered in the entire scene by either man, but it is one of the tensest moments in the film. The whole thing is topped off by the seven turn barrel roll of the new Aston Martin (great to see Bond driving an Aston Martin, and not just the '06 model, but also a '64 model). That said, there is one scene that is
perhaps the true icing of this gruesomely violent cake. I never thought that they would include Fleming's testicle-smashing torture scene in any of the Bond movies. It is painfully brutal on the written page, but seeing it on screen, with a naked and vulnerable Bond makes it just that little more real. It is one of the most disturbing moments
ever seen in a Bond film.

There are two Bond girls in the movie - Caterina Munroe as Solange, and Eva Green as Vesper. Munroe is very beautiful, and her part is quite brief, being virtually window dressing. Vesper, of course, is the main Bond girl, and the woman who Bond finally cares about, letting his guard down and letting her in his heart. Eva plays the part marvellously, being very caustic with Bond on their first meeting (indeed, the initial meeting between Bond and Vesper is so well played, it is one of the highlights of the film) before softening towards him, and, after their capture by Le Chiffre, falling in love with Bond, while clearly regretting something that is playing on her mind. Her final betrayal of Bond is unpredicted, and gives Craig another chance to highlight his skill at playing Bond - putting up his guard before giving into his emotions after she passes. Aside from being absolutely stunning, Vesper has one of the best moments a Bond girl can have - a true reaction at witnessing a man she is falling for brutally murder two men. Aware that her life was threatened, she is still very shaken by what has happened, and it is one of the best character moments in the film. In line with the disturbing nature of the film, Vesper's death is particularly unsettling.

Other cast members of note are Giancarlo Giannini as Bond's contact Rene Mathis - who may or may not be working against MI6 - and Jeffrey Wright as Felix Leiter. Mathis is a character of the Kerim Bey mould, easily charming, with an edge of steel, and Giannini plays him marvellously. It is great to see Leiter back again (although as this is their first meeting, again we see that this is not the same Bond from the previous twenty films), and curiously played by a black actor - not the sandy haired Texan that Fleming described. However, given that the film is a reboot, and Wright is fantastic in the part, despite not having a terribly large amount of lines, his skin colour is of little interest - this Leiter is far more engaging than at least three of his predecessors. Wright plays the part very cool; when Bond asks who will get the $150,000,000 from the gambling game, Leiter smoothly replies "Does it look like we need the money?" Bitter irony for the Americans these days, no doubt.

One of the standout elements of this film is the music. David Arnold returns to score the film, but is obviously a little more inspired to make something of it. He and Chris Cornell co-wrote the quite simply amazing theme song "You Know My Name" which returns frequently in the film as a theme. But, what Arnold does with the James Bond theme is far more clever. It doesn't feature until Bond puts on his tailored tux for the first time, when we get hints of it. From then on, everytime there is a Bondian moment, an echo of the theme is heard before absolutely brilliant end where the theme kicks in over the closing titles as Daniel Craig utters the immortal line. A lot less synthesizer and a far
grander score shows that even the crew have been invigorated by this change of pace.

A few points that need to be made:

It's interesting to see the company logos at the beginning of the film also in black and white.

The character of Villiers could have just as well been Moneypenny - this seemed an unnecessary break from tradition.

The scenary is gorgeous, as always, by Montenegro is absolutely mind blowing.

Mr White's "Organisation" is very curious.

As Bond recovers he looks a little like he has ended up in The Prisoner's Village.

It's fantastic that Bond delivers the line "the bitch is dead" - the last line of Fleming's novel.

Despite brilliant acting, Vesper seems to suddenly fall for Bond; something which even Bond comments on. I'm not sure why, but this seems just a little out of place.

What's so amazing about this film is that it shows that, after a movie that was hackneyed and cliched, Bond still has life in him. Michael G Wilson and Barbara Broccoli deserve praise for making what must have seemed like an absolutely insane move in the Bond series. How wonderful for them that it paid off, and Casino Royale beat Die Another Day's returns. And for the first time in a few years, I am worry free when I see the words: James Bond will return.

Favourite Bond: 1. Timothy Dalton; 2. Daniel Craig; 3. Roger Moore; 4. Sean Connery; 5. George Lazenby; 6. Pierce Brosnan

Favourite movie order: 1. The Living Daylights; 2. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 3. Casino Royale; 4. Dr No; 5. Licence To Kill; 6. A View To A Kill; 7. Live And Let Die; 8. Thunderball; 9. For Your Eyes Only; 10. Octopussy 11. The Spy Who Loved Me; 12. Tomorrow Never Dies; 13. GoldenEye; 14. From Russia, With Love; 15. Goldfinger; 16. You Only Live Twice; 17. Moonraker; 18. The World Is Not Enough; 19. The Man With The Golden Gun; 20. Die Another Day; 21. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl: 1. Carey Lowell/Pam; 2. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 3. Diana Rigg/Tracy; 4. Eva Green/Vesper; 5. Carole Bouquet/Melina; 6. Izabella Scorupco/Natalya; 7. Barbara Bach/Anya; 8. Maud Adams/Octopussy; 9. Michelle Yeoh/Wai Lin; 10. Mie Hama/Kissy; 11. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 12. Ursula Andress/Honey; 13. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 14. Maryam D'Abo/Kara; 15. Lois Chiles/Holly; 16. Honor lackman/Pussy; 17. Tanya Roberts/Stacy; 18. Denise Richards/Christmas; 19. Halle Berry/Jinx; 20. Britt Ekland/Mary; 21. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain: 1. Robert Davi/Sanchez; 2. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 3. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 4. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 5. Jeroen Krabbe & Joe Don Baker/Koskov & Whittaker; 6. Christopher Walken/Zorin; 7. Louis Jordan & Steven Berkov/Kahn & Orlov 8. Jonathan Pryce/Carver; 9. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 10. Mads Mikkelsen/Le Chiffre; 11. Sean Bean/Trevelyan; 12. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 13. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 14. Julian Glover/Kristatos; 15. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 16. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 17. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 18. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 19. Toby Stephens/Graves; 20. Sophie Marceau/Elektra; 21. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

Ultimate X-Men 19: Absolute Power by Aron Eli Coleite

Thank God Robert Kirkman has fucked off out of this series. Clearly I'm not the only one thinking this, as Aron Eli Coleite has come on board and is quickly trying to undo as much of the damage Kirkman did to the series as he can. Jean Grey has returned, both to the school and to her normal self. She and Scott are back together and all the Phoenix stuff seems to have been forgotten about. There is a cursory mention of Nightcrawler still leading the Morlocks, but apparently he doesn't have to be there as he has returned to the X-Men as well, and seems to have completely dealt with his homophobia (that said I didn't actually mind the fact that Kurt had so much difficulty dealing with Peter's sexuality).

And once again the X-Men are playing baseball against the Academy of Tomorrow (although no Lorna! What's with that?), this time joined by newest recruit Liz Allen, who has crossed over from Spider-Man to X-Men now that she has developed powers and become the Ultimate version of Firestar. I love the fact that the Ultimate comics are all linked so closely and that this sort of thing can happen without too much hassle. Equally in this run we get to see Spider-Man, still working with Shadowcat (in her new costume) as Wolverine pops in to pay them a visit (the fact that these two are working together makes me wonder if Coleite is also attempting to fix the continuity problems Ultimate Power presented to the X-Men).

But the baseball is interrupted by the appearance of Alpha Flight, and there are a few curious things going on with these guys. Their Ultimisation (if I may coin the term) brings out some interesting twists to Marvel characters - Sasquatch is now Rahne Sinclair, while Jubilee is a member of the Flight. Gone are Box and Puck, but Shaman, Aurora and Snowbird are all in, while Guardian is going by the name Vindicator. Wolverine's assocition with Alpha Flight remains, though curiously Vindicator fails to recognise Wolverine when he calls him "Mac" suggesting that something is going on with Vindicator that may play out later (indeed this seems to be confirmed when Rogue attacks Vindicator and he is horrified that someone knows his secret).

With Alpha Flight having kidnapped Northstar, Colossus is keen to go after them, but Cyclops says no and so Colossus leaves and forms his own team of X-Men. However, here's the cool bit - Colossus, though able to turn himself into metal, does not have super strength and therefore needs a drug called Banshee to enhance his powers - Banshee giving non-mutants powers, and mutants enhanced or additional powers. It's a great concept and one that works well in the X-Men universe. When Dazzler, Nightcrawler, Angel and Rogue all join Colossus team, they take the drug and become something quite different - Angel actually changes into a bird. Cyclops goes undercover with their team, but is forced to take the drug and when he does he goes absolutely loopy, even as the rest become addicted.

And, of course, Wolverine also shows traces of the drug - except it turns out that he IS Banshee.

It's a complex plot, and ties into something that Magneto and Xavier did many years ago when they first arrived in the Savage Lands, and for that Wolverine goes straight after Xavier in retaliation for what has happened. However, it turns out that Moira MacTaggert is behind it all (and behind her is Quicksilver) and she has developed a sonic scream from taking the drug (which is a nice reference to the normal universe as the X-Man Banshee has the power of a sonic scream).

All in all, Coleite has taken the X-Men series is a very good direction, starting off with some sweeping changes, making some bold revelations (not only about Alpha Flight, but also things like Iceman's arm breaking off but him being able to regenerate it) and sowing the seeds for some interesting stories to come.

"A"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Legacy (Season Seven)

A young man is found murdered after sending an insulting video insinuating that two girls in his class were lesbians. This, however, came after he was beaten in response to causing one of the girls to lose her prom date. An exclusive school, Major Case are called in and Goren is immediately curious about the teacher who found the victim - the mother of the girl who missed out on the prom. After questioning the second girl in the supposed lesbian tryst, they discover it was she who led the attack on the victim, but she was clearly not responsible for the murder - although the teacher Goren was interested in lied to them. With the suspects building up, the TARU techs being to question whether the cyber date the girl had for the prom actually ever existed and this leads Goren and Eames to the question of who precisely was the target in the plot.

Whereas NCIS can get away with glossy over flaws, Law & Order is not so easily blessed, and the immediate question that leaps to mind is, given that this episode deals with the death of a minor, why is it not being investigated by the Special Victims Unit? The only solution I can come up with is that Detective Biaggi, who hands the case over to Major Case, must be an SVU detective and because of the nature of the school, Major Case has specifically been asked to take the case over. Whew! Sorted that out then.

CI finally seems to be getting back up onto its feet, with another very entertaining CI case in which Goren is Goren, Eames is Eames, no mention is made of the problems they had and Goren actually gets to do some Sherlock Holmes style observations. Notice as soon as he meets the teacher who found the body he is asking them to turn around so he can see the paint chips on her sleeve. It's so good to have the old Goren back. Now if only he'd just lose that stupid beard. Sadly Eames doesn't get any sarcastic quips to throw at anybody. Ross, on the other hand, is becoming more and more redundant, playing the more traditional role that Deakins used to play. I have to admit I prefer it that way, as his constant questioning of his lead detectives was a bit ridiculous.

Most of the guest cast turn in quite credible performances and there is some nice ideas bouncing around in this story - note the rich black girl who pretends she's totally ghetto to impress her classmates and hide the fact she is a lesbian. John Shea makes a return to the world of Law & Order, again playing the usual rich father who has no idea of what is going on, though this time he is not the killer, which makes a change. Just doing a quick scan, and I see that this is John's fourth appearance in a Law & Order episode of some description, and his second in Criminal Intent.

This was a great episode, but perhaps the thing that made it most interesting was that the plot was quite complex and well thought out. Initially it seems to be all about a boy getting murdered as payback for sending a derogatory video to all phones, but it soon gets deeper and deeper, turning into an elitist plan to bring down the common teacher who is lowering the standards of the school that she is teaching at.

Ahh...when will those rich kids learn?

"A"

NCIS: Murder 2.0 (Season Six)

On naval housing, a couple are surprised when their shower spews blood, and NCIS soon discover a corpse in the water tank, and a curious message that leads them to an online video that not only shows them the murder being committed, but also gives three important clues that, after meeting with the roommates of the deceased, leads them to a second corpse - though this time the message rather specifically targets Gibbs. A second online messages contains clues that the team believe indicate Gibbs is the next victim, but it is Ducky which provides them a solid piece of evidence. The young lady who was the roommate of the first victim, Rose - and who has also developed a crush on Gibbs - provides them with a lead in the form of the man who made their music videos; very similar in style to the videos showing the murders. He is brought in for questioning, but dies at the time Ducky predicted. Angered that someone was murdered in his custody, Gibbs has his team working overtime to find any clue as to the killer and his fourth potential killing - until he begins to wonder if that is exactly what the killer wants them to do.

It's quite nice that NCIS does a Hallowe'en episode every year. There's something just a little kooky about them, and Abby always gets the chance to be mildly more bizarre than usual, as though there is something with the moon that night. However, and in a surprise move, it is Gibbs and DiNozzo who get to take the lead - DiNozzo having been sidelined for a fair while now, including virtually all of season five. That said, though, it surprises me that when we get a character called Sam Loomis, DiNozzo makes no mention of his name - particularly when he goes out of his way to mention Psycho when they find the bloody shower.

Ducky and Palmer make a small appearance, but sadly Ducky is becoming even less important to the plots than DiNozzo is these days. However, Ducky still gets marginally more screentime than new Director Vance, who returns after having not been seen for the past two episodes. There is something clearly wrong with making the NCIS Director a regular character when they can't find enough for that person to do. Both Rocky Carroll and Lauren Holly have skipped episodes in their run, making you wonder why they bothered to add them to the titles. Why not just return to giving them Guest Starring And credits as they did with Holly early on in Season Three and Alan Dale in the first two seasons (although Dale got "With" rather than "And")?

Anyway, enough trivia. Naama Kates is the guest star who stands out this week because, obviously she is pretty hot, but also her character develops an instant crush on Gibbs, which he just ignores, pointedly giving her character his card and telling her to call him in an emergency and only if it's an emergency. It's a nice touch, and as usual there is a nice bit of redirection suggesting she might actually be the killer in this episode.

Because this is a Halloween episode, there is a slightly more horror movie aspect to it, and getting marks for originality, the killer films the murders, and then intersperses the film with frames that hint at who, where and when the next murder will take place. I do have one small gripe though - at the second murder, Gibbs gets a message that specifically is addressed to him. However, Gibbs and DiNozzo go to the murder scene immediately after meeting the murderer for the first time. So, precisely how did the murderer know to address the message to Gibbs?

It's only a minor gripe, and let's face it, NCIS is the programme you don't dig too deeply into otherwise the flaws start to show. It's glossy and it's fun, and this episode is fabulous entertainment.

"A"

Die Another Day

It's been forty years since the Bond series began, fifty since the book series started, and Die Another Day is the twentieth Bond film. There's an awful lot to celebrate here; a chance to reflect on former glories, embrace what made the series so brilliant and look to the future with original and fresh ideas.

So obviously it's time to deface the iconic gunbarrel logo by having a bullet fly out of Bond's gun and into the camera.

Here's the thing about Bond films: There's a certain heightened reality in them. It's a little like a piece of cardboard. If you look at it side on, you can see all the little bumps, and you notice that it's not flat, and you may even begin to ponder just how those bumps got there. But if you look at if from above, you don't notice the bumps, and so it's just a piece of cardboard, no problem. If that cardboard is a movie, and you look at it from the side, you'd better hope there are no bumps. The Dark Knight, for instance, encourages you to look at the side - gritty realism - and then puts in a massive bump when it expects you to believe that a bullet impact can be used to get a fingerprint off said bullet. Certain movies need to be viewed from above, and the Bond series is one of them. The gunbarrel sequence, if you think too much about it, doesn't make sense. If you just watch it, it's bloody cool. Bond shoots some guy who is targeting him, and the blood rolls down the gunbarrel. Nasty. However, that bullet says, "look at this from the side". And you start to wonder. Did Bond actually shoot a bullet straight down the barrel of someone else's gun? That's a pretty hard shot to pull off...So why does the blood fall from above? Surely you wouldn't see the blood because it entered the dude from the barrel of his gun...actually wouldn't there already be a bullet in the barrel? Maybe it should've exploded in blood...and what's with those little white dots before we see Bond anyway??

The really sad thing is, that David Arnold has got the idea. His gunbarrel music embraces the icon and gives us back the traditional sequence of the Bond theme, but updates it with a bit of synth over the top of his orchestra. It's his best gunbarrel yet. Sadly the rest of Arnold's score has flashes of brilliance, particularly the Havana scene, but most of the time is just the same old, same old.

The funny thing is, GoldenEye actually took exactly the right approach. Witness the gunbarrel - the same as it used to be, except now rendered in 3D CGI, and with a moving reflection on the barrel. Kleinman got it bang on in GoldenEye - embrace the icon, update with reverence.

And then we get the pre-title sequence. I'm still not sure about the idea of Bond surfing, but it's nice to see that there are still some fresh and original ideas out there that the series can embrace. In fact, the entire pre-title sequence is just absolutely brilliant; easily the best of any of the Brosnan films, and possibly the best since...well, since The Living Dayligts. Will Yun Lee is fantastic as Colonel Tan-Sun Moon (and isn't that a clever homage to Robert Markham's novel Colonel Sun?), Rick Yune is nice and moody as Zao - but what a clever idea to have his face shredded and embedded with diamonds? - while Kenneth Tsang brings a wonderful dignity to General Moon. Bond is smooth and efficient in performing his mission, and the hovercraft chase is tense and exciting, ending with one of the best scenes of Bond getting out of a difficult position; even getting to deliver a clever, witty line. After watching this sequence, I was completely forgiving of the gunbarrel.

Then I saw the title sequence. For years the titles have been iconographic, with lurid images of beautiful women in silhouette, dancing and moving around absract elements of the film we are about to see. This time, the sequence shows Bond being tortured for fourteen months, all somewhat curiously edited, with scorpions and...err...women made of smoke, fire ane electricity. So...gritty realism...interspersed with the ice becoming a naked woman. Once again the audience is led to look at the cardboard one way, while delivering something that should be seen from the other.

And then there's Madonna's song. I know that it's great to hear on the dance floor at a nightclub, and it's cool to dance to, but it is simply not a Bond theme, and is absolutely apalling against the titles. And the really, really terrible thing about this song is it is used no less than three times in the movie, each a different mix; the titles, at the ice hotel and finally over the end credits. And if you thought it was bad to start with, each mix is progressively worse than its predecessor. But hold on, that's not all. No, as part of the deal, Madonna also has to appear in the film as a lesbian fencing instructor. Mix this in with Neil Purvis and Robert Wade's usual coarse rather than clever dialogue and you can imagine how the scene comes off.

The movie uses elements of all previous Bond films, apparently as a homage to them. In some cases it works very well, appearing as the homage it is intended - notably, Jinx wearing the orange version of Honey's bikini as she comes out of the water; Gustav Graves parachuting to Earth with a Union Jack parachute; and Bond and Jinx escaping the cargo plane they are on by getting in a vehicle which falls out of the plane (Dr No, The Spy Who Loved Me and The Living Daylights respectively). However, when it doesn't work well, it seems as though the series has exhausted its ideas and is just recycling the old ones (so much for fresh and original ideas). The worst of these is the diamond satellite laser, which is less a homage to Diamonds Are Forever and more just a villain using a former villain's idea. Blofeld should sue for breach of copyright.

However, this could have been the best movie ever made and it would still have been ordinary because, at the end of the day, Pierce Brosnan is giving a performance in this movie the same way that Sean Connery gave one in Diamonds Are Forever. Brosnan is bored out of his mind, and clearly left the set to go and count his money. Letting Bond have long hair and a beard just makes Brosnan look laughable rather than beaten down, and Bond is at his sexist worse in this film, virtually raping Miranda Frost, telling her she likes it. In Havana, Bond becomes a complete hypocrite by smoking a cigar (what happened to it being a filthy habit?) and then, quite literally, sees Jinx and thinks to himself "I'm bored - I'll shag that chick". There is no other reason for him to talk to her - or are we supposed to believe that Bond is desperate for some after so long in prison? And once again we are back to the cardboard, as Bond finds himself stuck in an MI6 hospital and there he is able to slow his heart til it stops...as you do. Once achieved he electrocutes his doctor and escapes, while the nurse, despite the fact that her collegue has been badly injured, sighs longingly at the bearded Bond. One can only wonder what was going through director Lee Tamahori's mind.

That said there is a wonderful moment when Bond picks up the book that inspired Fleming to name his leading man, and then later adopts ornithologist as a cover story. It's a very nice nod to Fleming, and it's a same there isn't more of it.

Halle Berry looks hot in the entire film, but is pretty ordinary as the character Jinx Jordan (or Jacinta Johnson, or something...it's never really made clear). Sadly, Rosamund Pike turns in a better performance as Miranda Frost, but she seems just a little overwhelmed by the entire experience.

Toby Stephens is really good as Gustav Graves, the villain that Will Yun Lee becomes (although I still can't help wishing Lee had remained the villain throughout), getting the chance to show a man who has a real chip on his shoulder. Sadly, though, the character is ill thought out. In the pre-titles, Moon is really nothing more than an arms dealer, using his military status as cover. However, by the end of the film, Graves is a patriot, using the Icarus satellite to destroy the minefield between the two Koreas. However, villain motivation has never been Purvis and Wade's strong suit. As soon as Graves puts on the Iron Man costume to control the Icarus satellite, Stephens clearly lacks confidence in what he's supposed to be doing, and as such he starts to go as over the top as possible. At one point in grabs two parachutes and throws one away so only he can escape, leaving Bond stranded - except as far as he knows, Miranda Frost is still alive at this point, so wouldn't he have needed one for her?

Rick Yune turns up again as Zao, of course, but this time he has had some sort of genetic alteration (hello magical world of fantasy) which has turned him into a bald albino with diamonds in his face. Looks very cool, and is played very well, but, of course, makes no sense if you think gaobu it too deeply.

The regular cast is back - Dench as wonderful as "M" as always, although quite why she has no confidence in Bond at the beginning of the movie is a little bizarre. Colin Salmon returns as Robinson, and gets a nice little moment in a VR simulation when he and Bond try to take down the terrorists who have invaded MI6. John Cleese is infinitely better in this film as the new "Q", and gets to deliver the best line of the movie (Bond tells "Q" he's smarter than he looks, to which "Q" replies "Better than looking smarter than you are"). Sadly no Tanner again, and Michael Madsen turns up as some sort of NSA director, but he does little except bitch throughout the entire movie and complain about the English. Meanwhile, Samantha Bond returns as Moneypenny, and interestingly doesn't techincally meet Bond in the film - something that hasn't happened since Licence To Kill.

One of the biggest problems with Die Another Day is that the theme of the movie is "looks cool, but is pretty stupid if you think about it". The gunbarrel, the VR fight sequence (what's the point?), the fencing scene at Blades (both of which is a great reference to the novel Moonraker - and incidentally, Miranda Frost was going to be named Gala Brand after the girl in the same book, but it was changed just prior to filming - but one finds it difficult to believe that two people could attack each other with swords, causing physical violence, without any sort of police involvement) all look great but are not really well thought out. The worst offender, though, is the invisible car. So the technology is possible (although apparently it wouldn't be anywhere near as effective as the movie suggests), but surely this means from this point on, Bond just has to drive his invisible car around rather than get somewhere stealthily? Why bother with the HALO style jump into Korea? Why not just drive the invisible car?

The other big problem with this movie is that it's not just ordinary throughout; there are some absolute gems coupled with so much rubbish. For all the bad points I've listed, you've got things like the pre-titles, the filming of Iceland (which is gorgeous), the ice hotel (fantastic setting) and a car chase which is just phenomenal - not only because its on ice, but because it actually goes into the ice hotel.

Finally a few more gripes about the movie. The CGI surfing scene is absolutely unforgivable. One of the best things about Bond is that all the stunts are done for real, even if just by the stuntment. They still do it. If you can't do it for real, don't do it all. The CGI looks absolutely crap.Where do all the guests go after the Icarus presentation? They just disappear.Mr Kil is really Gabor in everything but name.The Matrix style editing doesn't suit a James Bond movie - the fact that the editor actually says in a doco "I wanted to make it look more like the Matrix" should have him shot. It's James Bond, not the Matrix.

And speaking of editing...
There are three scenes at the end of the movie.

Scene 1 - Bond and Jinx desperately trying to escape in a helicopter, ending with Bond turning to her and saying "What was that about us both going down together?" Terrible line, but...

Scene 2 - Moneypenny using the VR to live out a fantasty of getting it on with Bond.

Scene 3 - A final scene with Bond and Jinx fooling around in the stolen diamonds with what is easily just the most ordinary dialogue in the entire film.

Now, if anyone had any sense at all, they would have ended the movie with scene 1, put scene 2 as a post-credits scene, just to give people a bit of a chuckle, and ignored scene 3 completely. It would have been a much better decision all round, but, like the rest of the movie, no one seems to have given anything much thought.

Favourite Bond: 1. Timothy Dalton; 2. Roger Moore; 3. Sean Connery; 4. George Lazenby; 5. Pierce Brosnan

Favourite movie order: 1. The Living Daylights; 2. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 3. Dr No; 4. Licence To Kill; 5. A View To A Kill; 6. Live And Let Die; 7. Thunderball; 8. For Your Eyes Only/Octopussy 10. The Spy Who Loved Me; 11. Tomorrow Never Dies; 12. GoldenEye; 13. From Russia, With Love; 14. Goldfinger; 15. You Only Live Twice; 16. Moonraker; 17. The World Is Not Enough; 18. The Man With The Golden Gun; 19. Die Another Day; 20. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl: 1. Carey Lowell/Pam; 2. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 3. Diana Rigg/Tracy; 4. Carole Bouquet/Melina; 5. Izabella Scorupco/Natalya; 6. Barbara Bach/Anya; 7. Maud Adams/Octopussy 8. Michelle Yeoh/Wai Lin; 9. Mie Hama/Kissy; 10. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 11. Ursula Andress/Honey; 12. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 13. Maryam D'Abo/Kara; 14. Lois Chiles/Holly; 15. Honor Blackman/Pussy; 16. Tanya Roberts/Stacy; 17. Denise Richards/Christmas; 18. Halle Berry/Jinx; 19. Britt Ekland/Mary; 20. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain: 1. Robert Davi/Sanchez; 2. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 3. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 4. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 5. Jeroen Krabbe & Joe Don Baker/Koskov & Whittaker; 6. Christopher Walken/Zorin; 7. Louis Jordan & Steven Berkov/Kahn & Orlov 8. Jonathan Pryce/Carver; 9. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 10. Sean Bean/Trevelyan; 11. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 12. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 13. Julian Glover/Kristatos; 14. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 15. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 16. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 17. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 18. Toby Stephens/Graves; 19. Sophie Marceau/Elektra; 20. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

By Royal Command

When I first heard about the Young Bond novels, I thought to myself "This is a bad idea. Are we now expected to believe that the man who saves the world at least once a year, was actually doing the same thing when he was a child?" My low expectations were met by SilverFin which was a pretty bloody awful book. Blood Fever was a bit of an improvement. Double Or Die was actually quite entertaining, and Hurricane Gold was really good. So with the books getting better and better, would By Royal Command continue the trend, or buck it?

Happily it continued it with aplomb! By Royal Command is the best of the Young Bond novels, and gives a very satisfying explanation for why Bond was involved with so many of those other adventures. For anyone who knows their Bond (ooo!! pick me!!) they know that Bond's time at Eton was cut short after an incident with a maid. Charlie Higson has remained faithful to what Fleming wanted and Bond does leave Eton after an incident with a maid, but obviously things are quite what they appear to be.

I love the characterisation of Bond in this novel. He is a young man, but he is starting to develop the streak that we saw in Fleming's novels, and which was hinted at in Hurricane Gold. Bond is a tough nut, more inclined to be active than actually think about his situation, but not a stupid lad. He is cunning and quick and it's obvious why MI6 take an interest in him at a young age (although there are more obvious reasons as well).

Roan Power is the maid with whom Bond falls in love, although the relationship is a bit odd, with Bond being fascinated with her for a lot of the book before ultimately declaring his love for her at the end. It's a bit of a leap, but I suppose he is still a lad and has a boy's way of looking at things. All the rest of Bond's crew turn up briefly in the Eton segment of the book, but they don't spend a lot of the time on page. In fact, with Bond leaving Eton at the end, one feels that there were a lot of loose ends he left behind at his old school.

The story is effectively three mini-adventures, and everything comes together nicely, with characters from all four of the previous novels returning to tie the five novels together in a very neat package. What started out as Harry Potter meets James Bond, has become something entirely of its own and deserving of much praise.

"A"

The World Is Not Enough

I get the feeling that the script meeting for The World Is Not Enough went something along these lines:

Neil Purvis (story): Errr...is Michael awake?

Michael G Wilson (producer): Yes I'm bloody awake.

NP: Have we actually filmed anything for this movie yet?

MGW: Nope.

Robert Wade (story): Any locations?

MGW: Errr...I like Spain.

RW: Spain sucks!

MGW: I *like* Spain.

NP: Pretitle sequence in Spain. Do we have a director yet?

MGW: Wha? No. Mmm...zzzzz

RW: I think he's asleep now.

NP: Well...You know what would be funny?

RW: What?

NP: If someone was called Christmas. Cause then, if you had sex with them twice, you could say...

RW: Christmas only comes once a year! That's brilliant!!!!

NP: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

RW: Well, he's asleep so let's ask him quietly.

NP: Errr...Michael, would you disagree with us having the Bond girl called Christmas and ending on that cracking joke?

MGW: ZZzzzz.

RW: He didn't disagree.

NP: Man, I hope they get that cheerleader chick from Wild Things. She has great tits.

RW: Wet t-shirt..mmm...

Somewhere along the lines, The World Is Not Enough lost its way. Like Elliot Carver, chief villainess Elektra King has very bizarre motivations in this movie. Initially she wants to get revenge on "M" and her father by killing them because they didn't pay the ransome to free her from Claude Renard, who promptly shagged her. Or rather, she seduced and shagged him. Now she has inherited her father's millions and is building a pipeline that "M" informs us the Western World is dependent on. So when Elektra talks about how soon everything will be hers instead of her late father's one wonders exactly what she is talking about...after all, she already has it all. Then somewhere around the middle of the movie, King wants to nuke Istanbul because if she does, all the pipelines will be soured and everyone will have to use hers...except, "M"'s already said the Western world is dependent on hers anyway. So...why is she blowing up Istanbul again?

The pretitle sequence of this movie is the longest in the series history, primarily because all the stuff in Bilbao, Spain, was deemed to be not eventful enough and it's relatively short. Consequently, we get the boat race on the Thames to lead us into the title sequence (and let's make no bones about this, that boat chase is absolutely brilliant; featuring Bond launching himself out of MI6 - yes, the actual building - HQ, onto the Thames and then through the streets of London before Bond making a spectacular boat leap, as he jumps onto a hot air balloon launching). From this intriguing pre-title sequence we go into the title sequence, and this pretty much sets up the tone of the movie - meaningful, but ugly. The theme song is great (though in some ways it's just a retread of Surrender; Arnold finally being given the all clear to write the main song - and I'm still not convinced about David's gunbarrels), but the title sequence is just a mess of naked girls made out of oil spills, which fits the movie, but is not pretty to look at. From here on, most of the movie gets part of the element right, but the rest dead wrong.

Look at the principal characters. Finally, the right decision was made and Valentin Zukovsky was brought back. Robbie Coltrane is again in fine form, stealing every scene he graces. Sadly at the end of the movie he is shot dead. One out of two.

Elektra King is a beautiful woman who has a personal vendetta against MI6, and seduces Bond before betraying him. However, after a while it's pretty clear her motivations are completely all over the shop and no one actually knows what she is trying to achieve. She's also lacks any kind of fun at all. One out of two.

Claude Renard is basically a recycled Stamper, though this time his inability to feel pain is made explicit. He doesn't really do much except act as King's primary henchman, but cast in the part is the highly talented and now completely wasted Robert Carlslye. One out of two.

Denise Richards is one of the hottest actresses to walk the planet, and looks absolutely hot as in short shorts and a singlet. Dr Christmas Jones (dear God, the above conversation can be the only reason they chose that name) is completely unbelievable as a nuclear physicist because she dresses like Lara Croft and looks like she is barely past her teens. One out of two.

You can't help but begin to wonder what the point was.

Pierce Brosnan, meanwhile, continues to deliver us a sulky, adolsecent James Bond who delivers double entendres like they are the only thing he has the ability to say (his quip towards Maria Grazia Cuccinotti is greeted with the same look the audience is giving) and has now added irritation to his vocabulary - though this is portrayed by hissing. Brosnan's performance is pretty awful in this film all round; when he is sarcastic to Elektra it's difficult to imagine what was going through his mind. To be fair, the dialogue generally wavers between witty and juvenile. And Bond still calls "M" "M"!!!! In fact, even bloody Robinson is doing it! Show some respect peoples!

Judi Dench is actually the shining light of this movie, given considerably more to do than usual as her past is tied into Elektra's, she gets the chance to be involved in the plot like never before, and even needs rescuing by Bond towards the end (although after the chilling moment of Bond brutally killing Elektra, as he leans over to kiss her forehead, clearly "M" is thinking what we all are - he's not seriously going to shag her corpse is he?). She even gets the chance to deliver an almight smack to Elektra's face - and didn't we all cheer?

Desmond Llewellyn makes what was to be his swansong performance, killed in a car crash a few weeks after the release of the movie. His final scene is actually very sad when viewed in this context, and given he is introducing Bond to his successor, and his final line is "always have an escape route handy"; I'll bet every audience member was thinking the same thing when Bond asked him "you aren't retiring soon, are you Q?". It's actually quite a moving moment, and dear Desmond deserves a salute for the amazing character he created that will go down, not only in the Bond history books, but in the annals of cinema itself.

To complement this moving and tragic farewell, predictably we get a performance from John Cleese as "Q"'s assistant which is cringingly awful. You can't help but sit there just praying that he stops talking.

So the good bits:

The action sequences are great - particularly the boat chase, the paraski chase and the BMW vs helicopters scene. Absolutely marvellous.

MI6 HQ is quite exciting to see and it's brilliant to see not only Robinson, but the return of Tanner. The MI6 staff is finally becoming a nicely regular and effective crew.

In the Scottish HQ it's nice to see a portrait of Bernard Lee on the walls.And equally interesting to see that one of the 00 agents is a woman.

Moneypenny has some entertaining dialogue, particularly in reference to Dr Molly Warmflash's sudden approval of Bond's health status.

There is an interestingly oblique reference to Tracy's death when Bond avoids answering the question of whether he has lost someone close to him.

The James Bond Will Return tag is featured directly before the credits this time, and kicks off a fantastic version of the James Bond theme to close the movie. You almost can't help but leave excited...almost.

But...

Bond wearing glasses seems wrong, regardless of the fact that they are a gadget.

What was the point of the para-ski attack? If Elektra is the mastermind, and Bond only joined her at the last minute to go skiing, why was an attack even considered? Or are we expected to believe that Davidov overheard Bond say he would go skiing with Elektra, and in the space of an hour, called Arkhov, organised troops and equipment and then sent them to the slopes with strict instructions to kill Bond, but avoid Elektra if you could with those machine guns you're using...

David Arnold's music is usually very good, but at times it actually sounds like he's spoofing Austin Powers...which given the music there was specifically composed to spoof John Barry's James Bond scores...

The dialogue in the final few scenes - both in MI6 and with Bond and Christmas is embarrassingly terrible.

Brosnan's Bond movies are struggling to make an impact, mostly due to dodgy scripts it must be said, but TWINE actually sets the Bond movies back considerably. This is one of the worst films the series has seen.

Favourite Bond: 1. Timothy Dalton; 2. Roger Moore; 3. Sean Connery; 4. George Lazenby; 5. Pierce Brosnan

Favourite movie order: 1. The Living Daylights; 2. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 3. Dr No; 4. Licence To Kill; 5. A View To A Kill; 6. Live And Let Die; 7. Thunderball; 8. For Your Eyes Only/Octopussy 10. The Spy Who Loved Me; 11. Tomorrow Never Dies; 12. GoldenEye; 13. From Russia, With Love; 14. Goldfinger; 15. You Only Live Twice; 16. Moonraker; 17. The World Is Not Enough; 18. The Man With The Golden Gun; 19. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl: 1. Carey Lowell/Pam; 2. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 3. Diana Rigg/Tracy; 4. Carole Bouquet/Melina; 5. Izabella Scorupco/Natalya; 6. Barbara Bach/Anya; 7. Maud Adams/Octopussy 8. Michelle Yeoh/Wai Lin; 9. Mie Hama/Kissy; 10. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 11. Ursula Andress/Honey; 12. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 13. Maryam D'Abo/Kara; 14. Lois Chiles/Holly; 15. Honor Blackman/Pussy; 16. Tanya Roberts/Stacy; 17. Denise Richards/Christmas; 18. Britt Ekland/Mary; 19. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain: 1. Robert Davi/Sanchez; 2. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 3. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 4. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 5. Jeroen Krabbe & Joe Don Baker/Koskov & Whittaker; 6. Christopher Walken/Zorin; 7. Louis Jordan & Steven Berkov/Kahn & Orlov 8. Jonathan Pryce/Carver; 9. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 10. Sean Bean/Trevelyan; 11. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 12. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 13. Julian Glover/Kristatos; 14. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 15. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 16. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 17. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 18. Sophie Marceau/Elektra; 19. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg