Moonraker

A madman plans to wipe out all life on Earth and rebuild the human race somewhere that has barely been explored! But enough about The Spy Who Loved Me...what about Moonraker? I know, I know...same joke, but it still highlights that the essential plot of Moonraker is a retread of TSWLM - though at least in the case of the latter it had the decency to wait ten years before nicking the plot. Actually, wait a minute...this is Moonraker. What happened to For Your Eyes Only? Oh, Star Wars, I hear you say.

The seventies have been an odd decade for the Bond films. Two of them (Live And Let Die, TSWLM) were brilliant, two of them (Diamonds Are Forever, The Man With The Golden Gun) were absolute bollocks. Moonraker is neither of those two and yet both, and is not mediochre. The problem with Moonraker is that it has some great moments which are then returned by some absolutely terrible ideas.

We kick the movie off with a pretitle sequence that shows a shuttle being stolen from a jet (Why would anyone transport a space shuttle fully fuelled? Wouldn't it be so much heavier?) and Bond having an aerial battle with Jaws, apparently seeking revenge for the last movie. All good stuff, until Jaws' parachute fails and he flaps his arms trying to fly and falls into a circus tent bringing it down. Cue titles, which look great, but a title song which sounds pretty ordinary, despite the return of the absoutely fabulous Shirley Bassey. Roger Moore appears to be a standard of the credits now (which indicate we have a new executive producer in the form of Michael G Wilson), and these show that Gilbert is directing again, which means "M" should have another mobile headquarters (he does, deep in the South American jungle) and Barry is composing again (no horrific slide whistle this time, but sadly we get both the themes from The Magnificient Seven and Close Encounters Of The Third Kind in truly ridiculous contexts).

Although we get a mobile headquarters, we also get a standard briefing in "M"'s London office, but my first thought on seeing this was - Lois Maxwell's looking old, isn't she. She and Bernard Lee are the longest serving cast members of the movies, which have now moved through over fifteen years, and it's starting to show on her. Lee, of course, looked old to start with. Moore, is also looking a little more haggard, and his flirting with Moneypenny is a little uncomfortably like watching your dad flirt with his faithful secretary. And dad is pretty apt for Bond to. Moore seems to have told Gilbert that he liked the direction Bond was going in TSWLM, so let's take it a little further into an area that Moore is completely comfortable with. Having played James Bond for three movies, Roger Moore is playing Simon Templar in Moonraker. Gone is any callousness at all, leaving us with a man who quips and sexist-ly moves though his conversations, while refraining from using his gun where possible, in exchange for using increasingly more absurd but convenient gadgets. Bond's sexism is over the top in this movie, as he seems completely unable to comprehend that a woman could even remotely have a PhD, let alone work for NASA or the CIA. He also appears to once again be known by everyone under the sun, Sir Hugo Drax informing him that Bond's reputation has preceded him. Wonderful...must make it easy for Bond to go undercover then.

However, as sexist as Bond is, there is no excuse for the lead female character's name. Dr Holly Goodhead is quite simply the most stupidest name ever created. Fleming was pushing the line with Pussy Galore, but Goodhead? Even Fleming would have thought twice about putting that down on paper. On the plus side, though, Lois Chiles plays the part remarkably well, putting Bond well and truly in his place, and shooting him down every chance she gets...well until the end, of course, when she just can't help herself and has to get in bed with Bond. I suppose, facing death together as they did, it brings them together after a fashion.

Returning to Bernard Lee for a moment, this is probably the only movie in which we see him get out and go on location. He joins the Minister Of Defence (he, along with Gogol make a return, and sadly the MOD's return is not really well done) in going to meet Drax in Venice with Bond. There is a lovely scene where the MOD gets Bond off the case and "M" secretly endorses Bond's continuing invesigation, showing the faith he has in his best agent. I think I prefer the way Terence Young handled the "M"/Bond relationship, but Gilbert clearly has a better idea than Hamilton on which direction it should go.

Back to the movie, and with Moonraker gone, Bond is sent to investigate Sir Hugo Drax. Even though Christopher Wood has dumped the plot of the novel Moonraker completely, he has used some names from the book and Sir Hugo Drax is one of them (there is even a rather sweet through-away line when the Minister Of Defence claims to play bridge with him, something "M" does in the novel). Drax is played by Michael Lonsdale, a French actor (the majority of this movie was filmed in France) who creates a very smooth, unruffled villain who gets all the best lines in the film.
The editing of the movie is an absolute highlight (kudos to John Glen) making the movie very tense and seemingly fast paced, particularly in such scenes as Bond facing death in the gravity simulator. The production design is fairly standard, unfortunately (it's difficult to top the Liparus) and there are some particularly stupid touches, such as Bond's mini camera having 007 on the top of it. What...just in case he gets captured and the villains are too stupid to know who he is?

It's not just the gadgets that lower the tone of the film. There are some scenes that are truly embarrassing. While the pheasant shooting scene is quite fun, there's a world of difference between Bond significantly using the word "spectre" at the gaming table and the villain laughing it off, and Bond clearly shooting one of the villain's henchmen and walking away. Come on, at that point is there any reason at all to keep up the pretense of not knowing what is going on? When Bond arrives at the South American headquarters of Drax, he falls into a lake and fights a giant snake...a giant, clearly rubber, snake.

The depths of this movie really do plummet to as bad as the seventies can deliver. The prize for the "dumbest vehicle ever seen in a Bond flick" is taken away from TMWTGG's plane/car and now goes to Bond's hover-gondola. The gondola chase in Venice starts off really well, and looks like it may rival LALD's boat chase, until Bond turns his gondola into a hovercraft and swiftly moves though the squares of Venice. Now, just in case that scene isn't stupid enough, the man who looked at his wine bottle in TSWLM in shock, returns to do the same thing in this scene! Plus, a crow does a double take. A crow! No matter how great this movie could be, this single scene completely destroys any credibility the movie could possibly have.

And the movie does try to get some credibility. Bond girl Corrine Dufour has one of the most scariest and disturbing deaths ever seen in a Bond film, as she is ripped apart by rottweilers. The fight in the glass museum is also fantastic (though ruined by a racist comment from Bond at the conclusion) as is the fight on the cable cars (again ruined by a comedy moment of Jaws crashing into the building and...actually, no that needs it's own separate entry). Equally, the carnivale is wonderfully filmed, with the appearance of Jaws looking quite scary. The whole thing is actually a little reminiscient of Thunderball.

But Jaws. Jaws, the greatest henchman of all the Bond films. The idea of him being a henchman for hire is actually quite a neat one and is pretty cool. Sadly, Jaws is a joke for the entire film, never really ever treated seriously by the script or director, and that's a huge shame. Bond appears completely mindless as he repeatedly punches Jaws in the metal jaw and winces in pain (does he just not get it?), but as mentioned earlier, too many scenes show Jaws acting stupidly in the face of impending disaster. And then he meets his girlfriend; about two feet shorter than him, with glasses. And at the end...he speaks. Sadly, Jaws goes from being the most effective henchman to being on par with Nick Nack and Wint & Kidd, and that's a tremendous shame.

But that said, the ending on the whole is competely stupid. Bond and Holly are shagging as the cameras are turned on while "M" and the MOD both watch. It's put through to Buckingham Palace and the White House, because obviously you wouldn't bother to check before doing that. And then "Q", after being asked what the hell is Bond doing, replies "I think he's attempting reentry, sir." Wouldn't he actually look at the screen and avoid being that tactless. It's not a great ending for the movie.

However, there are still some good points I've not mentioned, and some interesting trivia. On the plus side, the modelwork and stuntwork in this film is again well and truly above board. The space station is absolutely amazing and the filming of its reveal is breath-taking. Equally, the stuntwork is mind blowing. We see people fighting in freefall, going over waterfalls, jumping from cable car to cable car...it's tremendously good. Also worth mentioning are the locations which are really well chosen and look great.

Trivially, there is a different version of the title theme at the end, following the tradition of the previous two films, and for the first time, there is a complete set of credits in the closing credits. John Barry makes use of his 007 Theme for the first time since DAF. There is a huge amount of promotion in this film, particularly from 7Up. And, finally, we are again told that For Your Eyes Only will be the next film.
Hmmm...I'll believe it when I see it...

Favourite movie order: 1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 2. Dr No; 3. Live And Let Die; 4. Thunderball; 5. The Spy Who Loved Me; 6. From Russia, With Love; 7. Goldfinger; 8. You Only Live Twice; 9. Moonraker; 10. The Man With The Golden Gun; 11. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl: 1. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 2. Diana Rigg/Tracy; Barbara Bach/Anya; 4. Mie Hama/Kissy; 5. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 6. Ursula Andress/Honey; 7. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 8. Lois Chiles/Holly; 9. Honor Blackman/Pussy; 10. Britt Ekland/Mary; 11. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain: 1. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 2. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 3. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 4. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 5. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 6. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 7. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 8. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 9. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 10. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 11. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Untethered (Season 7)

Another Goren episode kicking off with the, by now standard, action editing and another episode being driven by Goren's family - in this case his never-before-seen nephew; though given what we know about Goren's brother this isn't perhaps such a surprise. More and more we are beginning to realise that part of Goren's apparent social ineptitude stems from being the family member who sacrificed his personal life to stay at home and look after mom. That said, Frank makes the rather curious comment that Goren should get a motel and bang Eames - doesn't know Bobby very well, or revealing a hidden truth?

Meanwhile, of course, Goren does again put family above all else, and asked to investigate what is going on at the prison his nephew is incarcerated in, Goren breaks with protocol and conducts his own investigation, going against Ross' orders as well. There is a bizarreness about Ross in this episode. He has spent the last few years with litte regard for Goren and his methods, and seems to actively dislike the best detective Major Case has, but here he puts his job on the line in order to help him out. It's not really the Ross that has been developed. I more expected him to sell Goren out as soon as he got the chance.

Conversely you can see how it would have gone down in the early seasons. Goren would have told Deakins what was happening, Deakins would have encouraged them to investigate; they'd have gone to Carver for a warrant: if had been seasons one or two they would have been refused with a stroke of the soul patch, asking for more evidence; seasons 3 - 5 and Carver would have thrown the warrant at the with a fifty. Times sure have changed on the ole CI.

I think the thing I like most about this episode is that that the results of the actions from everybody involved is believable. Ross and Eames have bad marks on their jackets, while Goren is suspended pending inquiry. It's a satisfactory outcome for Goren's actions, but at the same time, the fact that they still take him seriously enough to investigate the prison is also satisfactory. The final aspect of the episode, as Goren seems to have lost another member of his family is also a nice touch. He seems to always be searching for something, poor old Bobby. Hopefully one day he'll find it.

"B"

NCIS: Recoil (Season 5)

NCIS finally returns to our screens with the rest of the season that was started earlier this year that, mainly because I no doubt lack the considerably insight of the Channel Ten program schedulers, I have no idea why was halted. First off is Recoil, an episode that spotlights Ziva and gives her the chance to become involved in a killing in which she freezes - pretty similar to the majority of the rest of the team at some point in the past.

Once again this season is doing a "best of" NCIS but this time, as entertaining as the episode was (and it was), it's a little difficult to believe that Ziva, a trained assassin for the MOSSAD, should actually freeze when she is physically under threat, regardless of who is posing it (and let's face it, some two-bit naval Lt is hardly a great threat).

Certainly the most entertaining aspect of the episode was attempting to work out who the second killer was (and rather gratefully it didn't turn out to be the police officer who was investigating the original case, as so often seems to be the case on NCIS). That said, the actual character development of Ziva was quite nice, although the fact that she and Tony spent most of the episode at each other's throats was a little tedious and slightly hard to swallow.

Throughout the history of the programme, if ever somebody has been in that position, the rest of the team is usually extremely supportive of the person going through the process. This time, however, everyone is indifferent except for Tony who is openly antagonistic. It's not that it's a bad idea, it's just that it doesn't really fit with what we've seen so far.

That said, it's new NCIS and I don't really care because it's still a step up from the rest of the drivel on TV.

"B"

Tropic Thunder

There's a lot of comedy movies around these days, but (and maybe it's just because I'm old and miserable) none of them actually make me laugh out loud (or LOL as the hip street kids text these days). Tropic Thunder, however, I laughed my arse off throughout the entire movie. It was genuinely, that funny.

What impresses me about this movie - and we can really thank Ben Stiller for this as he wrote, produced and directed this film - is that an effort has been taken to make the movie something special. We get an advertisement and three previews before the movie actually starts and this sets up four of the five lead characters - all stereotypical actors. The fifth lead, is another stereotype - the unknown. The other four are the comedy actor turned dramatic actor (Jack Black); the action hero (Ben Stiller); the "real" actor (Robert Downey Jr); and the rap star turned actor (). Add to this mix a pyromaniac effects man, a useless British director, a grizzled war verteran on which the movie is based, an agent obsessed with keeping his client and the hard-as-nails, no nonsense producer. Contrary to what the previews suggest, this is actually quite an ensemble movie.

Of the three ostensible leads, it is Downey Jr who steals the movie. Ben Stiller pretty much plays the same part he always plays, while Jack Black does show his acting abilities, but his character is the standard Jack Black character. Downey Jr on the other hand is completely different in both the character he's playing, and the character his character is playing. Indeed at one point Downey Jr has the self referential line "I'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude"...you are indeed, Robert.

And for Marvel fans, Tobey Maguire has a cameo at the beginning of the movie so that, for a brief moment, you get to see Tony Stark and Peter Parker on screen together...albeit holding hands as monk lovers.

However, the real stand-out performance in the movie is Tom Cruise who I completely did not recognise due, not only to some impressive makeup, but mostly due to an amazing performance that shows him as a character he has never ever played before. And I hate Tom Cruise! His vehement, conscious-less, foul-mouthed producer steals every scene he is in, whether he is getting the key grip to punch the director of his movie in the face, or telling the leader of a heroin smuggling clan to "take a step back and, quite literally, fuck yourself in the face". It's an amazing performance and I have nothing but praise for Cruise in the first role I have really enjoyed him in.

Tropic Thunder is a movie that is well worth seeing. Get out, spend the cash and do it.

"A+"

Ultimate Spider-Man: And His Amazing Friends (20)

Waaay back in 1981 there was an animated television series called Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends which would have seen Spider-Man, Iceman and the Human Torch unite had it not been for legal reasons which saw the Human Torch removed and replaced by a character called Firestar. The series actually ran for about three years and became a little legendary in Marvel circles, not least because of the popularity of Firestar who was written into the mainstream Marvel universe.

Brian Michael Bendis, a brilliant author if ever there was one and one who has guided Ultimate Spider-Man for some time now, has often spoken of how he would like to bring Firestar into the Ultimate universe, though it was going to be an organic creation. In the mainstream universe Firestar is Angelica Jones, but in the Ultimate universe things are very different. The mutant-phobic Liz Allen, niece of a mutant terrorist, goes to a beach party with Johnny Storm (who is bored), Bobby Drake (who is trying to get his friendship with Kitty back again), Kitty Pryde herself, Mary Jane Watson and Kong Harlan. The last time this group met, Johnny became the Torch and freaked Liz out. This time, it is Liz who sets herself on fire and discovers that she is a mutant - worse, she is not the niece of a mutant terrorist, she is the daughter of one; and if she found out who that one was she wouldn't be over the moon about it.

Of course, as Iceman and Spider-Man attempt to calm her down (the Human Torch recalled to the Baxter Building in a bit of poor writing that seems to be required to get rid of Johnny), Magneto and the X-Men come out to show her the various options she now has in her life.

It's actually a great little three issue story that tells a wonderfully human story and features virtually no fighting at all. Magneto arrives, tells Liz she should join him, she flies off and he appears to accept that he isn't going to change her mind. Liz joins the X-Men and all is well - although Peter's secret identity is revealed to Liz and, in a rather neat little surprise that has been foreshadowed for some time, Kong reveals he has worked it out himself.

Aside from what is one of the most criminal continuity cock-ups in the Ultimate universe (seriously, how hard can it be for Bendis to call Ralph Macchio and find out who the current X-Men line up is???), Brian Michael Bendis weaves a story that includes some of the best dialogue ever in a comic. Bendis writes cracking dialogue in what is almost a Kevin Williamson style, and the various characters really come off the page.

There are two more issues included in this trade paperback - one sees the return of Omega Red as Peter has to explain why his school project with Kitty has been destroyed without revealing that it was primarily because he was fighting Red; and the other deals with the Shocker and how his life has been destroyed. This appears to be leading towards something as we get yet more references to something happening at Roxxon that nobody knows about.
A great collection of issues and one well worth obtaining.

"A"

Jekyll

Over the past four years I've been pretty lucky to find a television show each year that has really piqued by interest and made me appreciate the medium. Doctor Who, Veronica Mars, Heroes...would the same thing happen in 2008? Well, of course it would, otherwise I wouldn't have started this review this way.

I've been a big Steven Moffat fan for some time, primarily because his work on Doctor Who (and I'm talking as far back as the Red Nose special that he wrote which was perfect Doctor Who and also enormously funny) has been so outstanding. The man has won three Hugo awards for his first three episodes of Doctor Who - the fourth episode can't be nominated until next year - so clearly he knows his science fiction. And the best thing about his Doctor Who is that it's science fiction with horror. So a modern sequel to the classic Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde...well, who else would be the better writer for it?

And truth to tell, it's brilliant. Over six episodes, Moffat manages to tell the story of Dr Tom Jackman, acutely aware of the fact that he has developed a vicious, psycopathic alter-ego, and desperately trying to find a cure for it, without letting the increasingly powerful Billy Hyde discover this, whilst at the same time protecting his family from Hyde finding out about them.
James Nesbitt is absolutely amazing in the dual role of Jackman and Hyde (and latterly Jekyll and Edward Hyde) creating two, not only distinctive personalties, but also physicalities. When he adds Jekyll and the original Hyde, that makes four. How Nesbitt does it is beyond me, but it shows the mark of a tremendously talented actor. The man deserves to be so much better known world-wide for his skills.

Nesbitt keeps you riveted to the screen the entire time, either as the hugely sympathetic Jackman or the mesmerising Hyde, but that's not to take away from his co-stars. Michelle Ryan starts off as his assistant, and secret admirer, though after about episode two becomes relatively redundant to the overall story. Gina Bellman, on the other hand, as Claire, appears to be initially redundant and then becomes more and more important. Then there are the lesbian private investigators (both humourous and wonderfully resourceful) and Hyde's enemies, employees of the Klein and Utterson Foundation which includes his best friend Peter Syme.

Perhaps the most amazing thing about this series is that, by the end, you are truly barracking for Hyde. As the K&U Foundation makes its increasingly antagonistic moves, one can't wait for Hyde to appear and put them in their place, showing them that at the end of the day they have enormously underestimated their opponent.

There are two directors for the series, and it shows that they have taken the two halves. Douglas Mackinnon handles the first three episodes which are essentially Hyde taking more and more control as Jackman researches the mystery of who is investigating him. Matt Lipsey takes over the urban thriller of the last three episodes as the Jackmans find themselves prisoners of K&U. They are handled very differently, but each half is handled appropriately. Lipsey has the difficult task of mixing the more high-tech second half with the original Jekyll/Hyde flashbacks that may not necessarily sit well with such a steep contrast, but some creative editing makes it all work.

Finally, the ending was brilliant, surprising me completely - not in so much that I wasn't surprised at who Jackman's mother turned out to be, but more who she turned out to be. That is obscure, but the ending is so great I don't want to give anymore away.

"A+"

Doctor Who - Martha In The Mirror (BBC Novels)

I have always loved Justin Richards' Doctor Who novels. From the early days of novels such as "Theatre Of War" and "Dreams Of Empire", I've always felt that Richards nailed Doctor Who - understanding that, more than just a science-fiction/fantasy programme, it was actually a horror programme. Richards works are often filled with impressive literay allusions and zombies, which makes for a potent combination I must say.

Martha In The Mirror is no slouch of a novel either. Once again we have an equivalent of zombie hordes - although in this case they are the rather scarier glass reflections of people, amidst, if you take out the warrior crocodiles, could essentially be a Shakespearian world of magic and witches.

Little girls run around, acting disturbingly like their deceased twin sisters, though apparently haunted by their lost ones. People look into the mirror in the main hall, only to be killed by the reflection that they see on the other side. Armies are poised to go to war, with negotiations being halted by the murder of one of the delegates using a glass gun. It's fantastic, it's hyper-real and it's also very scary.

I raced through this novel, curious to see the twists that Richards had at the end, and also enjoying the prose that was easy to take in on a Sunday afternoon. This ranks as one of the better of the recent Doctor Who novelisations, and a huge improvement on the three from Christmas.

"A"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Offense (Season 7)

It's the rich white football kids vs the poor Dominican stripper; Logan and Folacci vs the Bronx DA's office and a poor black kid and an engaged Japanese stripper are caught in the middle. Let's get ready to rumble!!

This episode feels as though it should have been shown earlier on in the season, not least because it still has the super-hyped editing in the pre-title sequence, and Folacci still has her limp, which seemed to have gone two episodes ago. More importantly this is the first time Folacci confronts Logan about being as tactful as he has become in his relationship with her, which is something you think she might have mentioned earlier. Logan, of course, gets the opportunity to trot out the old Statten Island story, which is nice for the continuity fans amongst us.

The best part about this story, however, is that the poisonous bitch who caused all the problems gets away with it. Not that I like to see the villains escape, you understand, but Law & Order gives us painful reminders that the world is not really fair and sometimes even though someone can be manipulative enough to cause a murder, they will be able to walk free from the criminal justice system. One believes that she'll get her comeuppance though.

A good episode, with some nice character moments for the principal cast and a lingering after-taste at the end.

"A"

The Spy Who Loved Me

Evil mastermind plans to start world war three by stealing ships from opposing countries and making it seem like their opponents are to blame! But enough about You Only Live Twice...what about The Spy Who Loved Me? OK, so yes, clearly the plot for The Spy Who Loved Me is a retread of YOLT and one can't help but wonder if it is pure coincidence that Lewis Gilbert is back in the director's chair. The question is though...is this a good movie?

This is the first movie that Harry Saltzman is no longer on board to produce, so Broccoli is going it alone and that means that there is an awful lot riding on the film. Can Broccoli produce a Bond movie solo? Can he keep the franchise afloat? This is the longest period between movies as well, so Broccoli must have had every limb he owned crossed. The Spy Who Loved Me is an odd choice for a film as well; the Bond movies have become more and more divorced from the novels that inspired them, but there was usually some element in them that Fleming created. The Spy Who Loved Me has nothing even remotely connected to the novel, at Fleming's request (which results in the opening credits changing slightly; Roger Moore now portrays Ian Fleming's James Bond 007, as opposed to appearing in Ian Fleming's...whatever) so this film comes completely from the imagination of the authors - in this case newcomer Christopher Wood, ably assisted by the ever reliable Richard Maibaum.

Like Tom Mankiewicz before him, Wood changes the direction of the Bond films considerably. This seems to be more in line with Roger Moore's version of James Bond - he's not quite as callous in this as he is in the previous films (although his cool murder of Chandor (or is is Sandor?) still shows his cruel side) and Bond actually seems to see Major Amasova as more than just a sex object or a pawn in his plans. On a side note, Bond also seems to have learnt how to defuse a nuclear bomb since Goldfinger. Gilbert also seems aware of the new direction of the film and a lot of Hamilton's changes have been toned down; Bond and "M" have a far better relationship in this movie - indeed "M" is actually pleased when his chief agent seems to be a little better than the best the KGB have to offer - and the traditional briefing scene is replaced with a new scene on a ship (allowing Bond to get back in to naval uniform for the first time since...well, since YOLT, surprise, surprise) without "M", but with "Q", the Minister of Defence and a number of the admirality (including a return to the series by actor George Baker). Bond has an interesting relationship with the MOD, amiably calling him Freddie, although by the end of the film it seems he may have pushed this too far.

The return of the Naval uniform is not the only nod to the past. For the first time since Moore took over there seems to be an effort to establish he is the same character both Connery and Lazenby portrayed. We are reminded that "Q"'s real name is Major Boothroyd and there is mention made to the late Mrs Bond, which is a scene that Moore plays absolutely brilliantly. And thankfully Bond has become a secret agent once again, with only the KGB and Stromberg knowing who he is.

Gilbert also follows some of the little trends he started in YOLT. "M"'s office is movable now, popping up in the middle of Egypt, although this would appear to be an entire branch of MI6, complete with "Q"'s laboratory which contains the most amazing gadgets yet seen in a Bond film; from a lethal serving tray to a killer camel saddle. Indeed although there were gadgets in the previous two films, Bond didn't really use them, but in this film they are back with a vengeance, primarily in the form of the successor to the Aston Martin - Bond's Lotus. This car has the ability to fire rockets, blow smoke and liquid concrete (apparently) and also turns into a submarine. There is a particularly entertaining scene regarding the rivalry between MI6 and the KGB when Major Amasova uses the mines on the sub informing Bond she stole the plans for it some time earlier (though why she was surprised when he drove into the ocean is a little curious). Unfortunately, the Lotus leads to the dumbest scene in the film, where Bond drives out of the sea and gives drops a fish out of his car.

The rivalry between the KGB and MI6 is worth mentioning. This movie sees not only Bond get a KGB equivalent (as we'll discuss soon), but also "M" and Moneypenny in the form of General Anatol Gogol and his secretary Rublevitch. Gogol is played by Walter Gotell as a genial, but tough leader, and while Bond and Amasova play a game of one upmanship, it is to "M"'s delight and Gogol's amusement. Gogol is a great character who deserves to make a return appearance (though if the previous films are anything to go by, it'll be the loser who looks at his wine bottle when Bond drives out of the ocean that returns).

This all brings us to the crux of the film - Major Anya Amasova, KGB's agent XXX; the finest in her field and the equal to James Bond. Since Roger Moore has become Bond, the films have taken a slightly sexist angle, with The Man With The Golden Gun hitting the all time low in this department. TSWLM redresses that balance, not changing the fact that Bond himself is still a sexist, but showing that there are women more than able to equal him. Major Amasova, played by Barbara Bach, is one such woman. She clearly shows she has an equal knowledge to Bond in her field, and is also more than able to be a competent spy. Yes, she is overpowered by Jaws (more on him soon), but then, so is Bond. What's most entertaining is the introduction which initially suggests that the man who bears a slight resemblance to George Lazenby will be the mysterious XXX until it is Amasova who is clearly identifies herself as XXX. It's a great little bit of double play that sets the tone for the film. What is perhaps the best part about the character is her change of heart later in the film. Apparently falling for Bond, when she discovers that he is the killer of her former lover, she resolves to kill Bond in return. It's a great little change that allows some tension in the final part of the film, but happily her return to Bond is entirely believable.

The other girl of note in the film is Caroline Munro as Naomi. Initially appearing as a bikini clad assistant to villain Stromberg, she later shows that she is so much more, turning up in a helicopter to try to kill Bond and Amasova. It's a great part, and Munro plays it well.

Onto the villains side of things, and sadly Curt Jurgens does not make much of a splash as criminal mastermind Carl Stromberg. He is effectively a Blofeld clone (hardly surprising as Blofeld was the original villain of the piece) but lacks any of the presence or threat that any of the three Blofelds had. The nicest thing to say about him is that he has webbed fingers and is bland. Which is pretty damning by anyone's count.

His henchmen start with the thuggish Chandor (although he is credited Sandor in the credits) and Chandor is quickly dispatched by Bond withing a few scenes. However, the piece de resistance of the film is undoubtedly Jaws. Standing at well over seven feet tall, with a mouthful of steel teeth, Jaws is the best thing about the film. His introduction in Egypt is astonishingly well filmed and when he confronts Bond and Amasova, neither of them have any impact on the man. In fact he is superhumanly strong, ripping cars apart, walking away from buildings collapsing on him and ultimately eating a shark to survive the movie. Of all the henchmen we have seen to date, Jaws is, if not the absolute, then one of the finest.

But it's not just the story and the cast that deserve honourable mentions in this film, or indeed director Lewis Gilbert and Cubby Broccoli bringing the series back on track. If I might I will take the opportunity to gush about three other areas that are worthy of note.

Firstly, Marvin Hamlisch takes up scoring responsibilites this time round, giving us the first title theme that isn't named after the movie (although the phrase "the spy who loved me" does appear in the lyrics) and it is a beautiful piece set to Maurice Binder's much improved opening credits - the first to feature the actor playing Bond (and also, thanks to the new special editions, the nudity is very obvious! It's also worth mentioning here that, curiously, the film goes back to the 2.33:1 aspect ratio). The rest of Hamlisch's score is almost disco, with the most memorably piece of the film being the underwater or Atlantis theme which is very much of its time, but is instantly memorable. Towards the end, and when it is required, Hamlisch ditches his upbeat version of the Bond theme for a more traditional one to accompany Bond's more Bondian moments. It is a fantastic score and one that improves the film no end.

Secondly, the production design of the film is the best since...well since You Only Live Twice really. While everything is of the usual excellent standard, it is the interior of the Liparus tanker that is worth the mention, apparently being so big that a new studio was built simply to house the thing. It has similarities to the hollowed-out volcano in YOLT in that there is a control room overlooking the area where the captured ships are placed, and there is a monorail that leads to a prison cell, but all that aside, you can't grumble when the set is so massive that there is no chance to take it all in on one sitting. Watching it for whatever time this is (and yes, I know I'm supposed to be viewing it fresh) there is still new stuff that I am finding.

Finally, the modelwork for this movie is out of this world and is up there with its contempory Star Wars. There is a tremendous amount of modelwork in the film but the two that are truly stand out are the Liparus - especially when it gobbles up the submarines - and the Atlantis, again particularly when it rises out of the water. It is clear that a lot of thought went into these models to ensure that the obvious problem of a size relatively problem wouldn't occur, and kudos to the team for it. It really is awesome.

The Spy Who Loved Me may be a recycled plot, but it does it with style and wit and gives Roger Moore the chance to come back from the embarrassment that was TMWTGG and establish himself firmly as James Bond.
Favourite Bond: 1. Sean Connery; 2. Roger Moore; 3. George Lazenby

Favourite movie order: 1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 2. Dr No; 3. Live And Let Die; 4. Thunderball; 5. The Spy Who Loved Me; 6. From Russia, With Love; 7. Goldfinger; 8. You Only Live Twice; 9. The Man With The Golden Gun; 10. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl: 1. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 2. Diana Rigg/Tracy; Barbara Bach/Anya; 4. Mie Hama/Kissy; 5. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 6. Ursula Andress/Honey; 7. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 8. Honor Blackman/Pussy; 9. Britt Ekland/Mary; 10. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain: 1. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 2. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 3. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 4. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 5. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 6. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 7. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 8. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 9. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 10. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

There is a fine line between a movie that is made for children, and a childish movie. Realistically, the Star Wars movies are made for children. They are huge movies telling simple stories that are engaging and entertaining. They rollercoast along, delivering us a plot that is just complex enough to ensure that the story never loses focus, and has enough action and adventure to leave kids leaving the cinemas with wide eyes going..."wow...how cool was THAT?".
Star Wars: The Clone Wars is a childish movie. It's essentially a whole sequence of action sequences, interspersed with small cut scenes to remind us that the movie is about looking for Jabba The Hutt's son. In fact, when you describe it like that, you are suddenly struck by what this movie actually is like - it's like watching someone else playing a computer game. With the highly styalized computer animation, the comparison becomes even more obvious.

The dialogue is not particularly complex, but it is delivered in a very strange manner. Pauses are placed in positions that seem illogical and it feels a little like someone has edited the dialogue together from a variety of different sources. Surprisingly it is the traditional voice actors who suffer from this the worst. Samuel L Jackson, Christopher Lee and Anthony Daniels have no problem getting into the rhythm of their characters, but the voice actors who are used to performing in such a style are way off.

The majority of the new voices don't seem out of place - Matt Lanter doing a good job of Anakin and Catherine Taber coming across well as Padme, but James Arnold Taylor does a relatively good impression of Ewan McGregor, though fails to remember that McGregor was trying to do Alec Guiness, so Obi-Wan seems more and more distant from that original 1977 film. Equally Ian Abercrombie is not a good replacement for Ian McDiarmid as Palpatine. Standing out, though, is Ashley Drane as Ahsoka Tano, Skywalker's new padawan. She is lively and active and is the most convincing character in the movie (including Mace Windu and Dooku).

The worst thing about this movie, however, is the droid army which come across as not only incompetent but stupendously stupid. They argue and fight as they get slain by an army which is actually bothering to pay attention to the fight they are in. There isn't much point in creating villains if they are not going to actually be a threat.

Overall there is nothing terribly wonderful about this movie. It's bland and unexciting and nowhere near as good as the cartoon that spawned it five years ago. Do yourself a favour and go and watch those. They are infinitely better. Hopefully the television series that will spin off from this will be a vast improvement.

"C"

The Man With The Golden Gun

Roger Moore's second movie and after the extreme departure of Live And Let Die, The Man With The Golden Gun returns all the Bond traditions to the film and models itself firmly on Diamonds Are Forever. And, oh boy, was that a mistake. The only thing that makes this movie better than Connery's last outing is that Moore is actually still giving it more than just a passing attempt to bring life to the thing.

From the pre-title sequence - again featuring no Bond at all - you know that something is going a little oddly with this movie. Christopher Lee playing Francisco Scaramanga, the titular man, has a third nipple and Guy Hamilton ensures that a lingering shot on Lee's chest makes sure we don't forget this little detail which becomes completely inconsequential and is clearly only there for Bond to deliver some of the dumbest one liners in the history of the series. "He must have found me tittilating" Bond witters at one point.

In a series that has actually managed to avoid being sexist (well, Diamonds Are Forever comes very close), TMWTGG throws away all shreds of dignity and provides us with a movie that has women in the worst position ever. There are only three women that actually turn up in the film really; a dancer, Andrea Anders (played by Maud Adams) and Mary Goodnight (played by Britt Ekland). The dancer apparently loved Bill Fairbanks, a former 00 agent, but as soon as she meets Bond she is more interested in sleeping with him. It's immense character depth.

Andrea Anders comes across no better - first appearing in a black swimsuit, draped across a beach on Phuket; it turns out she is little more than Scaramanga's sex slave, and, desperate to escape, she decides there is only one thing to do - call on James Bond, the only man who can save her. With this done, she offers to pay for her freedom by...well, becoming Bond's sex slave. Women's Lib, eat your heart out.

Andrea fairs better than Mary Goodnight, however, who is the single most incompetent MI6 agent, and Bond girl in general, in the history of the series. From the outset she is smitten with Bond, desperate to sleep with him, and despite stating she wishes not to be one of his conquests to pass time, she quickly throws her moral stance out the window, but ends up locked in a cupboard in her teddy while Bond shags Andrea. In spite of this indignity she ends up sleeping with Bond at the end of the movie. Such character. Meanwhile, she proves herself increasingly incompetent, managing to achieve nothing in the entire film except getting caught by Scaramanga. Once that happens, she wears a bikini for the rest of the film because...well, because Scaramanga likes a girl in a bikini apparently. Britt Ekland may be gorgeous, but it takes more than that to make a good Bond girl.

Oh I forgot - there is another woman: Chinese girl Chew Me who turns up naked in a swimming pool to suggest Bond should join her - also naked. OK, we get the idea he is desirable to women, but seriously, I think this may be going just one step too far.

Hamilton takes all the things he created in his previous Bond films and just continues to hammer them home, whilst bringing back all the elements that were "traditional" to the films. John Barry is back to create the music, and lets the entire film down when, in the most brilliant stunt the series has seen - a car doing a 360 degree turn over a river - he adds a slide whistle sound effeect. Apparently Cubby Broccoli told him it was a dumb idea, but he went ahead regardless. The "M's Office Briefing" scene is back (curiously this time with the Chief of Staff) and as the movie progresses, M now not only verbally wishes Bond dead, but also seems hate his entire staff. At one point it looks very much like he will kill both Bond and Q (who is also back) in the same scene.

In fact, in some ways this movie smacks ever so slightly of a "Best Of" for Bond; or at least that's what Hamilton thought. In some respects it almost seems to be a "Worst Of" showing us all the terrible elements or excesses of previous Bond films. We have gadgets - though admittedly Bond doesn't use them; instead we get to see Scaramanga drive a plane-car, easily one of the most ridiculous ideas seen in the movies to date. Bond's sexism is back with a vengeance, but so is his racism; note the way he casually tricks a Thai boy into fixing his boat before pushing him into a river. He is still as callous as he was in LALD, not hesitating to smack Andrea across the face, and Bond is clearly now a cigar smoker rather than a cigarette smoker. Alas, once again everyone seems to know exactly who he is, regardless of his secret status.

And clearly it was felt that since J W Pepper redressed any questions of racism in Live And Let Die, they should try that in TMWTGG. Unfortunately it doesn't work when Bond is also a racist, something he isn't in LALD. Pepper is absolutely terrible in this film and his short appearance is one of the many troughs of the film.

We get another car chase in this film, along with a boat chase, neither of which have the excitement of the chases in previous movies and particularly LALD. Bond himself is in a somewhat bizarre mood in this film. Once again he is both astonishingly smug and knowledgable, which helps, no doubt, to contribute to M's hatred of him.

And of course, the titles and title theme. Sadly, neither of these are particularly enduring. Lulu gives us a song which is slightly adapted at the end but ultimately fails to be remotely memorably like LALD or as powerful as Goldfinger. The titles are the worst Binder has given the series, and the worst to date. Featuring one single nude women in a variety of coloured lights, they are not a patch on anything that has gone before it. There is an attempt to give us a more exotic location by setting the film in Thailand and Phuket, which is nice, but Ted Moore has obviously lost the will and so it is filmed rather flatly.

However, easily the single worst element of the film is Nick Nack. Like Wint & Kidd, the homosexual killers in Diamonds Are Forever, Nick Nack is a midget henchman whose villainous foible is...being a midget. Nick Nack has precisely no menace at all, invariably sucking any tension out of the movie whenever he appears. With a high pitched French accent, he minces around screen until at the end he is stuck in a suitcase by Bond, who earlier claims that he has never killed a midget, but refuses to carry out his threat to make Nick Nack the first. Clearly Bond has more of a soft spot for midgets than for gays.

The two other characters worthy of being ridiculed are Hai Fat and Lt Hip. Hai Fat appears to be Scaramanga's boss, even though he claims to have hired the man to deal with a problem, but is then ordering him back to his island where their power plant is. The relationship between the two villains is extremely bizarre, as the island is clearly Scaramanga's, so precisely when that plant was built is a little curious. Hai Fat himself acts absolutely absurdly throughout the whole film - he pretends to fall for Bond's disguise even though he has already met Scaramanga, which begs the question, why play the charade through. Then, after inviting Bond to dinner, he has him disabled...but then sends him to a martial arts school to be killed. Hai Fat deserves the bullet Scaramanga put into him.

Equally Hip is another strange character who contributes little, except to attempt to rescue Bond and then, when Bond is in the car, ignore his neices telling him that they have left Bond behind and simply drive away. Why, exactly?
These sorts of plot holes are fairly common in the movie all up, though. If Nick Nack is serious about taking over Scaramanga's possessions, why make life difficult for the people he has hired to kill the assassin? Are we seriously expected to believe that Scaramanga just happens to be involved in the assignment Bond is taken off just before he is sent after Scaramanga (although the scene between "M" and Bond giving that instruction is beautifully played)? How does "M" know Scaramanga's phone number? What is the point of the ending - is there any real tension in wondering whether Scaramanga will survive? And how exactly did Bond replace the mannequin of himself?

That said there are some great elements in the movie. Firstly, the set design on "M"'s office on the sunken Queen Elizabeth is absolutely superb. And secondly, there is Scaramanga.

Christopher Lee steals the entire movie, managing to outsmooth Roger Moore as he delivers quips that make Bond look clumsy and has a confidence that is unsurpassable. When Bond questions the fairness of him having six bullets and Scaramanga having only one in a duel, Scarmanga suavely replies "Oh, I'll only need one, Mr Bond." Lee gives a performance that is mesmerising, and one can't wait for any scene he turns up in.

Sadly this movie is not a patch on Live And Let Die, and gives far too many bad memories of Diamonds Are Forever. One can only hope that things will change for "The Spy Who Loved Me".

Favourite Bond:1. Sean Connery2. George Lazenby3. Roger Moore
Favourite movie order:1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service2. Dr No 3. Live And Let Die4. Thunderball5. From Russia, With Love6. Goldfinger7. You Only Live Twice8. The Man With The Golden Gun9. Diamonds Are Forever
Favourite Bond girl:1. Claudine Auger/Dominio2. Diana Rigg/Tracy3. Mie Hama/Kissy4. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya5. Ursula Andress/Honey 6. Jane Seymour/Solitaire7. Honor Blackman/Pussy8. Britt Ekland/Mary9. Jill St John/Tiffany
Favourite Bond villain:1. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld2. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger3. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga4. Adolfo Celi/Largo 5. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga6. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No7. Lotte Lenya/Klebb8. Telly Savalas/Blofeld9. Charles Gray/Blofeld

Girls Of Playboy - July

I have to say that I was a little surprised at the choice of July's Cybergirl Of the Month. She didn't exactly leap of the page at me and cut down the other four girls, but perhaps it was just time for a redhead to get some form of representation in the CyberGirl section. There were some nice photoshoots of Heidi Wheeler this month, and she looked quite nice, so I don't mind the eventual choice.

As for the Cybergirls themselves. Nikki Ryann was first off the block, and I absolutely adore her. She is so cute and so natural and despite giving off a cheerleader style vibe, I don't care. I love her to bits and think she's great. Brittany Sylvanowicz I thought was awesome ever since she was made a Coed...ooohh, years ago now (well last year anyway), but surprisingly I didn't think so much of her this time round. She still looked lovely and cute like a Coed, but...I don't know. A little more manufactured is perhaps the best way to describe it. Debbie Beal was back to the more traditional Playboy look, with her implants and bleach-blonde hair, but she wasn't unattractive so one can't complain. Finally Kristen Smith rounded the month off, looking like a cross between Nikki and Debbie, actually - a cute cheerleader with implants. I don't know whether someone was trying to suck up to Heff this month by giving us a group of four caucasian blondes with brazillians, but clearly the boss would be happy with this selection. I gotta admit I'm not entirely unhappy, but variety is the spice of life, and I would definitely choose Nikki for Coed Of The Month in four months time.

Nicole Aylward was Coed Of The Month, and having done some extensive modelling for Playboy in the past this was perhaps not so surprising. If you find a Coed who has been something else for Playboy, odds are she'll be the COEM. Nicole is even more traditional Playboy than any of the girls we've seen so far (again another choice for Heff) and her photo shoots were all fairly standard with no particular originality in them. She wasn't my pick for the month, so maybe I'm just bitter.

Five Coeds this month, though, and obviously someone believes that variety is the spice of life in the Coed section, as we are given an Asian girl to start with - Janine Siu. Janine is actually pretty stunning, though somewhat Americanised for an Asian, but who's complaining. Robyn Marie is quite interesting looking - very pale, with long dark hair and dark eyes and a curious smile. I quite like her I have to say. Victoria Andrea is a cute blonde all natural and not unappealing, while Tiffani Amber reminds me of someone I've seen in Playboy before, but I can't place. Finally Laura Marie is the girl we finish up on - another blonde, though her face is slightly too long for my liking. It's interesting to see that all the Coeds this month have natural boobs, which much be almost unique, though not so unique is, once again, a group of girls with Brazillians. One other thing, I get the idea that girls are using their middle names as last names to protect their identity, but it's a bit obvious when we have two "Marie"'s in a month. Come on!!! My choice for COEM is...hmmm...I'll go Robyn Marie. I think she's the one that stands out the most for me. Laura, on the other hand, was very coy about stripping naked, perhaps subscribing to the theory that girls who keep it secret get COEM jobs. We'll have to wait and see.

Finally, Miss August is Kayla Collins who bears a resemblance to all of the Cybergirls this month, and the Coed Of The Month. She's curvy, she's blonde, she's brazillian, she's implanted. Yes she's hot, but in a month of girls all obviously being set up for Heff, perhaps the PM should have been given a slightly different look. I like Kayla, and realistically, we haven't had a lot of the stereotypical PM this year, and to be fair Kayla is very much "the girl next door" in the face. A nice choice, but I don't think she's our Playmate of the Year for 2009.

But let's face it, it isn't my choice is it?

"B"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Self-Made (Season 7)

The first thing I thought when I saw this episode was "Hey! That's the guy from the Mandy Moore movie where she died and he was the father who was a priest. I bet he's the villain!" Snaps to me!

But seriously, this was a great episode of Criminal Intent which also allowed Goren a bit of character development. You may remember (or you may not, depending on how seriously you are into CI) that Goren met his mentor a couple of years back and he turned out to be something of a disappointment, in effect leeching of Goren for his own success. This is mirrored in a the victim's mentor - the victim being a young writer who the mentor was simply using her stuff as his own. Once you find that out it's not too difficult to know where the finger is going to be pointed.
Again a highlight of the episode for me was Goren being Goren, taking the opportunity to see burnt fake hair on the stove and deducing the torture of the victim. This is the stuff that Goren is made for, and it's great to see him back in the swing of things.

There's not terribly much more to say about the episode, but it was a great little number and well worth watching.

"B+"

Ulitimate X-Men 18: Apocalypse

Robert Kirkman's era on Ultimate X-Men comes to close with trade paperback number #18, collecting the final five issues (#89 - #93) and the final two storylines.

Shadow King "ultimizes" the villain from the mainstream universe, and we've had a few hints leading towards this as Ororo "Storm" Munroe has been having horrific visions of the Shadow King and his brood attacking her. Yes, I use the word correctly because the Brood have also been ultimized, now being creatures living on the Astral Plane that have been tamed and controlled by the Shadow King. Given that Robert Kirkman banged on about how he would not be doing an ultimate-of-the-week kind of story, it is amazing at how many things he has ultimized. Surprisingly, given at how long it's been hinted and built up to, the whole Shadow King story is only one issue long, and essentially comes down to: "Storm, you electrocuted me when we were lovers"; "Yes, but you were banging Yuri"; "Oh, now you can beat me". Coda: Storm tells Wolverine she doesn't want bad boys anymore. Short, and disappointing.

We may never know what, if there was any at all, Brian Vaughan's plan was when he ultimized Nathanial "Sinister" Essex and hinted at the return of Apocalypse, but the final four issues of this trade are dedicated to waht Kirkman has come up with, and finally wraps up the Phoenix storyline as well - which kind of wraps up the Hellfire and Church Of Shi'ar storylines as well. Given that it therefore has so much to do, it's surprising Kirkman does it only in four issues. And it shows.

The story is very much mostly about the return of everything Kirkman introduced, including Bishop, Cable, the Morlocks and, of course, Beast. Killing off Bishop is a brave move, but Kirkman has now completely rendered all deaths in the Ultimate universe meaningless since he resurrected Beast (and sure enough, even though Angel is killed, he too is resurrected). I hate the fact that Kirkman has made death a non-constant in the Ultimate universe as that more than anything else, has separated it from the main Marvel universe; the stakes are a lot higher here. Apocalypse's return is met by the return of Cable and Xavier, looking like Onslaught and Stryfe, though clearly not calling themselves that in light of the fact that Stryfe was in the last issue. The battle is somewhat inevitable given Kirkman's writing - they battle Apocalypse, can't win, Jean becomes Phoenix and saves the day.

Kirkman has been pretty determined to close all the doors he has opened, and so in addition to Apocalypse being beaten and Phoenix leaves the planet (why separate Jean and Scott? Seriously, everyone hates it when that happens, and everyone knows it is never permanent...why bother to even play that stupid game?), we also get information about the Legacy virus, what it is and the consequences of Beast attempting to cure it.

I love Kirkman's writing on Walking Dead, but frankly I'm glad he is moving on from Ultimate X-Men as he hasn't really done anything original or noteworthy in the title, and if anything has ruined what was such a promising title. With only four issues to go before Ultimatum kicks in and stops X-Men, poor old Aron Eli Coleite has much to do.

On the art side, it's worth noting that Salvador Larocca does his usual excellent job on the first four issues. I love his Apocalypse and his take on the other characters is really well drawn. Sadly the last issue is drawn by Harvey Tolibao and is absolutely awful. The last page shows the males have veins and arteries that stick out so clearly even under clothes. Frankly it's disturbing. Additionally, all the females are buxom and curvy, including Psylocke, despite being in her child's body and despite the storyline last book about her being jealous of Storm's adult figure. Thanks Harvey.

A poor end to an era, but a worthy one.

"C"

Torchwood - The Twilight Streets (BBC Books)

Although Series 1 of Torchwood had a lot of problems that were all addressed in Series 2, there were still some good elements to come out of it, and a couple of curious unanswered questions, one of which is answered in The Twilight Streets, and if you can't guess from the cover that question is...whatever happened to Bilis Manger?

The story is rather interestingly written with a number of different fonts used in the printing to indicate the various different aspects of the story that we are seeing. As events transpire there are secrets that both Manger and Captain Jack have been keeping not only from us, but also from Torchwood, and both have a history that goes back a little bit longer than they knew. We also discover that what we thought we knew about Abaddon is also not entirely correct, and so The Twilight Streets takes the final episodes and turns them completely around.

Gary Russell is not a brilliant writer as shown in his previous Doctor Who novels, and like those The Twilight Streets is a competent book with a large dose of what Craig Hinton used to lovingly describe as "fanwank". However, if you are the kind of person who likes those sort of novels, and deep down inside I have to admit that at the end of the day, I am, you will like this book.

"B"

The Dark Knight

Superhero movies have a tricky job these days. Like the James Bond series, the days are long gone when a supervillain could hollow out a volcano and take over the world demanding effectively nothing but power. These days villains need to have reasons for their problems and superheros need to go on a personal journey. Realism is the key.

Except, at the end of the day, you're still dealing with super-powered individuals, which requires more than just accepting, say, that a computer can digitally enhance a photo to the ultimate extreme. Marvel Movies seem to have got the balance just right, putting their flawed heroes against villains whose motives tend to revolve around patriotism, revenge or just the plain old desire to get a lot of hard cash. DC Movies have been a bit hit and miss. In the 70s and 80s they ruled the big screen with such movies as Superman and Batman, but in the norties, things haven't quite been going all their way and while Batman Begins hit the right buttons, Superman Returns was waaaay off base.

The Dark Knight, unfortunately, misses.

It's funny that when Batman Returns came our people were unhappy, saying - quite rightly - that it wasn't so much a Batman film as a Tim Burton film. The Dark Knight suffers from curiously the same sort of problem; it's not a Batman film, rather it's a Chris Nolan film with Batman inserted into it. Imagine Insomnia but with Robin Williams wearing clown makeup and Al Pacino dressing up as a bat.

And that's a big problem, because as soon as you're dealing with these things reality needs to go the aforementioned heightened state or else when things that are unbelievable happen, they stick out like a sore thumb.

One of the things about this movie is, that with the death of Heath Ledger, virtually no one wants to be honest about his performance. It's wonderful, it's worthy of a posthumous Academy Award... In truth, it's not. Ledger has the prosthetics and the makeup, and then puts on a silly voice and a silly walk and plays a psychotic. Which is fine, except that essentially the Joker is a hugely flamboyant villain. Oh yes, Ledger's Joker is deadly and scary, but he's not the Joker. He's too focused to be an agent of chaos. He rambles on about how he has no plans, but it's mentioned time and time again that he plans everything, almost fastidiously. Ledger's Joker claims to be insane, but really, he's cold and calculating and vicious. A good villain, but not the arbitary showman that the Joker is in all of his best incarnations. Ledger gets it right twice, but unfortunately, that ain't good enough.

Fortunately, on the other hand, Christian Bale seems determined to make him look good by phoning in his performance. The frivolous playboy of Batman Begins has gone, replaced by a dour, soulless Wayne who looks the playboy, but has no heart for it. Batman, on the other hand, is even worse, with Bale's growling voice reaching a point where it is almost impossible on occasion to actually work out what he is saying.

The dearth of humour is failing in the film in general. There is very little humour to be found and when it happens it's extremely obvious how little there is. The other, unforgiveable aspect of this action movie is that there is surprisingly little action. What action there is, is handled with aplomb, and the chase sequence is one of the best committed to film, but Nolan seems to have had a little bit of drama here, a little bit of action here, a little bit of drama there and a little bit of action there. For the rest of the time, it is people talking to each other; obtaining or recounting the same bits of information. We get no less than two sequences assuring us that we don't know the Joker's true identity; completely missing the point that the audience assumes that when the movie starts. When it's established that the Joker has no motive, his true identity is redundant and so we don't care. And let me take this opportunity to say that the manner in which Batman obtains the Joker's fingerprint makes an absolute mockery of the realism that Nolan has attempted to create.

As real as they've tried to make the Joker - having scars to create his smile, rather than acid deformation - Batman, on the other hand, has become completely unrealistic, now possessing an inordinate amount of gadgets that would make Adam West green with envy. His gloves can cut through car metal, and he can use them to bend rifle barrels. He is able to rig up a sonar system using mobile phones that not only show you the shapes, but also the SWAT logo on the SWAT teams. For every moment of realism that is generated, the whole thing is urinated on with something that is so unbelievable you can't remember what movie you're watching.

The writing is primarily at fault here, as said, giving characters nothing to do for the majority of the movie, except talk and achieve nothing. When repitition is needed, it fails to appear. Joker gives two reasons for the scars on his face, and that's all. The magic number is three, and so in this case it looks like Goyer and Nolan have failed to remember what the Joker's background is, rather than showing he creates his own.

Sadly Michael Caine still misses the mark as Alfred, though to his credit he does try very hard to bring the character to life and give him some depth and sympathy. Maggie Gyllenhaal, however, delivers much the same performance Katie Holmes did, and so fails to make anything of a character that was essentially crap in the first place.

But there are some great things about this movie. Aaron Eckhart is outstanding as Harvey Dent, stealing every scene he is in, and the "Two-Face" plotline is easily the best thing in the movie. I found myself constantly wishing Ledger would get off screen so we could see more of the Two-Face story. Gary Oldman steals all the scenes left over, portraying a very, very sympathetic Gordon. The final scene between Dent and Gordon is the most electic in the whole movie. Eric Roberts, surprisingly, is superb as mob-boss Sal and Morgan Freeman, of course, can't put a foot wrong. The scene where he points out the absurdity of blackmailing Batman/Bruce Wayne is wonderfully underplayed.

The Dark Knight is a missed opportunity and sadly, despite the brilliant diamonds out there, you have to wade through a lot of excrement to get to them.

"C-"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Courtship (Season 7)

Logan and Folacci are back this week in a case that seems to have a mild nod of that hat to the somewhat angry phonecalls Alec Baldwin was giving Kim Bassinger. Certainly the female actress in the episode bears more than a passing resemblance to Bassinger. On the other hand, it seems that only yesterday I was watching Steve Guttenberg play a paedophile in Veronica Mars, and now here is playing a possible murderer.

What's of most interest to me is that this episode features Bruce MacVittie, who, quite frankly, seems to turn up in every series of Law & Order somewhere. A quick search of the IMDb shows that this is actually MacVittie's tenth episode in the Law & Order franchise, and his second in Criminal Intent. The man is just everywhere! However, to my surprise he didn't play the villain, and narrowly avoided being the victim. Unusual for dear old Bruce.

I'm getting more and more comfortable with Alicia Witt in her new role, although I do still miss Julianne Nicholson, but it was interesting to learn a little bit more about Folacci this week. Logan seems still to be something of a lonely character, bizarrely becoming more and more like Goren. It would be great to have a storyline where Logan realised he was turning into his rival.

The episode wasn't outstanding, but it wasn't a disappointment, and it was worth a watch.

"B"

Doctor Who: The Brain Of Morbius

I have a sneaky fondness for The Brain Of Morbius because it comes from a time when I was a kid and just discovering Doctor Who. I read the novelisation and I saw the TV show and I was scared of the brain-in-the-jar and the horrible patchwork creature, but reassured by the Doctor's effortless control over the situation, and fascinated by the mind battle that showed all those other faces after Tom Baker's. Morbius stems from a time when Doctor Who pillaged stories for their content and spun them into a new story with a Doctor Who twist. Producer Philip Hinchcliffe and script editor Robert Holmes must have been well pleased when they saw this story hit the screens, and kids everywhere had nightmares for weeks. "Scare the little buggers," was Holmes motto, and not for the first time, the Doctor Who team followed his creed.

Of course the story actually came from Terrance Dicks who then went off on holiday whereupon - according to Dicks - Hinchcliffe went off the idea that Dicks came up with - a robot that would assemble a body for his master Morbius without any sense of aesthetic - and got Holmes to rewrite the script as any good script editor, Dicks included, would do. Hinchcliffe posits they got rid of the robot because they couldn't do a good robot on their budget, and he wasn't too far off the mark; although the following season they would come up trumps with their robots.

There is pretty much not a single thing wrong with The Brain Of Morbius - the casting is brilliant, with Baker and Elisabeth Sladen in top form, and Philip Madoc putting in an absolutely superb turn as Solon; without forgetting the wonderfully venemous Michael Spice as Morbius who, despite what is said on the commentary, doesn't sound anything like a Dalek - but if there is one thing you had to point to to single out as genius it is the atmosphere. Everything that happens is done in a doom laden atmosphere that just reeks of horror. The oft-mentioned Gothic horror no less.

On the DVD front, there is a nice little documentary about the programme which gives some interesting insight, although fans will probably be mostly surprised by the inspiration of the design work of the story. The commentary is quite fun, although Sladen is extremely hypocritical as she slags off K-9 & Company in the previous release for being too slow, and yet praises this story for taking its time to tell the story. Baker is a loon, while Madoc, Christopher Barry (director) and Hinchcliffe seem, more often than not, to be Baker's straight men.

I can't recommend this DVD enough. This is truly classic Doctor Who and if you don't have it on your shelves you'll be worse off for it.

"A+"

Live And Let Die

It's funny, but as Roger Moore walked across the gunbarrel in his flared tux, sans hat, and grabbing his arm as he swung to shoot his unseen assassin, I found I had no concern at the thought of a new James Bond. I think that, as this is the third movie in a row with as many Bonds, the idea of more than one actor being Bond is no longer a worry for me. Poor old George Lazenby paved the way for us to accept the idea of someone other than Connery carrying the Walther PPK. Although, that said, it's pretty hard to tell that this is actually a Bond movie at all...

Make no bones about it, On Her Majesty's Secret Service was a Bond movie with George Lazenby thrust into the dinner suit, giving a suitable performance of Sean-Connery-playing-James-Bond-with-a-twist; and with You Only Live Twice (and OHMSS is the aberration here) the movies have been going further and further away from the novels that Ian Fleming created. Live And Let Die dispenses with nearly all the trappings of what made a Connery Bond film. The gunbarrel is new, of course, and is now greeted with a rendition of the Bond theme that is so 70's it's not funny. Diamonds Are Forever thrust Bond into the 70s, but with a Richard Maibaum script, Desmond Llewellyn and John Barry, plus, of course, Connery himself, it still felt like a Bond movie. LALD has a new scriptwriter, no Desmond Lewellyn and George Martin taking over from John Barry with a music score that is more blaxploitation than James Bond. Indeed, with a group of black men running around New York in pimp clothes, LALD often feels more like The Saint meets Shaft vs Count Blackula. The new movie seems to have inspired Maurice Binder who provides us with a title sequence centered around voodoo (and, quite literally, a fibre optic lamp) against a title song that is far removed from the grand approach taken in the past; now it is a hard hitting rock song by Wings. On top of all that, similar to Diamonds Are Forever, the editing of the film is nothing like the 1960s films, as all the fast cuts have been replaced with a fairly standard style, much like the one adopted in DAF.

The funny thing is that this approach seems to work. Whilst in OHMSS you were constantly comparing Lazenby to Connery, it seems ridiculous in LALD to compare Moore to Connery because they are so different.

And make no mistake, Roger Moore is so radically different as Bond it's not funny. From the opening of the movie (again losing the traditional 'briefing in M's office' scene; now relocated to Bond's house - not an apartment anymore, I note) Bond is now a lover of women, having to work to ensure that M doesn't discover he is shagging his Italian liasion from his previous assignment - though Moneypenny does find out! Being a Guy Hamilton film, there is still the extreme tension between Bond and M though. Moore gets almost all the best lines in the film, starting with his very first line where he wittly enquires if his bedroom partner has a husband when the doorbell rangs early. But this Bond is a curious beast. Moore drops one-liners far more often than either of his predecessors, apprently not taking any situation he is in seriously - indeed when he finds out about Agent Baines death he quips "I quite liked Baines. We shared the same bootmaker." This seems to make Moore acting more like Simon Templar than James Bond, but there are some notable differences. Whilst Moore's Bond is extremely smooth and charming, he is also quite cruel and callous. Never once racist, he is extremely sexist, holding little regard for women and seeing them as nothing more than a means to an end. He seems content to have sex with Rosie, despite knowing she is a double agent, and then shoot her afterwards. Equally, he holds Solitaire in no regard, manipulating a situation so she ends up in bed with him. Though she follows him blindly, when Bond informs his associate that Solitaire is "an extremely valuable piece of merchandise" we are left in little doubt as to how Bond sees her. Even Connery wasn't that bad!

Aside from delivering us a brilliant new James Bond, the rest of the cast is actually on extremely top form. There is a high black percentage in the cast, and all the villains are black which could lead to some racism, though as Broccoli pointed out, equality in casting means equality in casting villains as well. Nonetheless the producers balance the scales in three ways - two of them are CIA agents Strutter (Lon Satton) and Quarrel Jnr (Roy Stewart). Satton is brilliant as the cynical, no-nonense Strutter, and having Quarrel Jnr is a curious reference to Dr No which featured and saw killed, Quarrel. Firstly, this is interesting in that the novels were reversed and so both featured Quarrel, LALD being Bond and Quarrel's first meeting. The second is that this is one of the few times LALD actually acknowledges the past Bond movies. In OHMSS there is a veritable plethora of references to the past, but in this movie it is almost like it didn't exist, and Bond doesn't even appear in the pre-title sequence.

The third balance isn't such a wonderful one, mainly because it's such a crap idea. The stupid sherrif of DAF obviously appealed to Hamilton, and so in LALD, not only do we get a stupid sherrif, but also one who is a redneck and proceeds to abuse all the blacks he can find. Clearly the point is to realise how stupid he is and how his racism is equally stupid, but essentially J W Pepper just doesn't work as a character and, although he has a few funny moments, most of the time you just want him to get off screen.

Onto the villains then, and Yaphet Kotto is simply outstanding as the villain - a dual role of Dr Kananga and his New York gangboss counterpart Mr Big. Indeed, Kotto gets all the great lines that Moore doesn't, dishing out a "Names is for tombstones baby" when Bond introduces himself, followed up by "Take the honky out and waste him." All though the movie Kotto shows us the two personalites of the villain, so that when Big reveals who he really is, those who don't know (and haven't read this review :)) will be relatively surprised. When he shows up at the end of the movie, he has become the grand Bond villain of old, offering champagne to his defeated rival and explaining his plans in detail. Nice to see some things don't change.

He is supported by some of the best henchmen we have seen in a while. Given DAF one could be forgiven for thinking that the henchman's foibles would be that they are black, but in fact we get three quite distinct lead henchmen in the form of TeeHee - a man with a hook for an arm who giggles constantly; Whisper - an overweight henchman who whispers; and Baron Samedi - a tall, disturbing man who has an equally disturbing laugh. Given that, at the end of the film Samedi is on the train as it rushes towards camera, his exact nature is rather curious. The three of them are fantastic opponents for Bond, and restore my faith in the decisions made by the production team.

The other member of the cast who should be mentioned is, of course, the beautiful Jane Seymour in her first movie role as the mysterious Solitaire. Never once in a bikini (although she is briefly in a very attractive teddy), Solitaire is a very regal Bond girl, though very innocent and naive at the same time. She's the Bond "girl next door", but when the chips are down she shows some resourcefulness in attempting to escape her former boss. Solitaire is a great Bond girl and works so well with Roger Moore.

Which reminds me that there is ONE other cast member I almost forgot, and that's David Hedison taking on the role of Felix Leiter. After the absymal performance in DAF, Hedison is a breath of fresh air, posessing a chemistry with Moore that at times makes it look as though the two are a comedy double act, cheefully exchanging banter as agents are killed left, right and center. Hedison works perfectly opposite Moore's Bond, in exactly the same way that Rik Van Nutter worked so well opposite Sean Connery. There is a similarity between the two actors which brings the relationship of Bond and Leiter to life.

But it's not just casting where the film excels. After the disappointingly ordinary Las Vegas in DAF, I was worried when Bond's first port of call was New York, but I needn't have been two concerned as Bond is soon travelling to New Orleans and San Monique, both places that bring back the exoticism of the Bond films. Indeed with the Voodoo theme of the movie, San Monique actually has a little more than just the standard exotic feel. Even the decision to show some old style funerals in Louisiana really bring the place to life and show it in a completely different light.
The action sequences in the movie also something special. We get to see chase sequences involving cars, planes, a double decker bus and a most brilliant boat chase sequence, the likes of which hasn't been seen in a Bond movie to date. On top of that there is a scene at a crocodile farm where Bond jumps across four crocodiles to escape - clearly it isn't Roger Moore, but who cares??? Some guy actually jumps on four crocodiles to escape from a pit of crocodiles! That's the kind of action we want in a Bond movie. Interestingly, despite the fact he has a number of gadgets, Bond invariably can't use them in order to escape, and ends up having to rely on his skills to get out of difficult situations.

There are though, some downsides to the movie, and some bizarre plot points and some interesting trivial notes. Quite why M feels the need to go into Bond's bedroom is a little bizaare and when the snake bites Baines it leaves no mark. Bond in a safari suit is a fashion faux pas extraordinary, while this movie features the first use of the word "shit" in a Bond film and one character actually mimes "fuck". This is a little unsettling. The music is generally good, though in most of the chase sequences it is removed. Sometimes, like the boat chase, this is great, but often it seems to slow the chase a little. As a sad James Bond and Doctor Who fan, I noticed two props in this movie that would go on to be used in Season 12 of Doctor Who...dearie me. Finally, Kananga's death is easily the most cringingly bad death ever created for a Bond film. It's the one really woeful moment of the film.

All in all I can't rave enough about Live And Let Die. It gives the series a shot in the arm and shows that, after the terrible Diamonds Are Forever, there is still somewhere for the films to go.

Favourite Bond:

1. Sean Connery

2. Roger Moore

3. George Lazenby

Favourite movie order:
1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
2. Dr No

3. Live And Let Die
4. Thunderball
5. From Russia, With Love
6. Goldfinger
7. You Only Live Twice
8. Diamonds Are Forever
Favourite Bond girl:
1. Claudine Auger/Dominio
2. Diana Rigg/Tracy
3. Mie Hama/Kissy
4. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya
5. Ursula Andress/Honey

6. Jane Seymour/Solitaire
7. Honor Blackman/Pussy
8. Jill St John/Tiffany
Favourite Bond villain:
1. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld
2. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger
3. Adolfo Celi/Largo

4. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga
5. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No
6. Lotte Lenya/Klebb
7. Telly Savalas/Blofeld
8. Charles Gray/Blofeld