Octopussy

I once read a review of something that described it's topic as "easy to fault; impossible not to love" and that's a pretty accurate summary of Octopussy. There are moments that are absolutely cringeworthy in the film, and some very misjudged ideas, but at the end of the day, you can't help but walk away thinking how entertaining the movie actually was.

I want to start my review by talking about the script for this movie, which comes from a different place than most of the Bond films. An author of historical fiction, George MacDonald Fraser, came up with the story and first draft of the screenplay before veteran Bond movie author Richard Maibaum, and executive producer Michael G Wilson took to it. Rather impressively, it actually does make use of it's source material - in this case the short stories "Octopussy" and "Property Of A Lady". The former is recounted by the titular character, though it's actually about her father; while the latter becomes the source of the jewellry smuggling in the film, and the auction at Southerby's. As a consequence of this, the movie actually has a rather complex story which works extremely well and gives the major characters not only a lot to do, but also interesting motivations.

In addition to this, John Glen's direction is also very skillful. The entire idea of the travelling circus is very creepy in an "The Avengers" style, but more importantly than that, scenes that could be made quite ridiculous never turn out that way. 009, dressed as a clown, fleeing from two knife throwers, before ultimately being killed and carrying a Faberge egg, reads rather stupidly, but the scene turns out to be quite disturbing. In a similar manner, at the end of the film when Bond is dressed as the same clown and the nuclear bomb is counting down is simply a recipe for disaster, but Glen manages to inject a great deal of tension into the scene. It's also interesting to see another scene where Bond disturbs a group of birds, similar to a moment in For Your Eyes Only - could this be Glen's calling card? We'll have to see in the next movie.

And seeing as we are gushing about the production crew to start with, we should also note Director Of Photography Alan Hume and Production Designer Peter Lamont. Hume is given two rather exoctic locales in the form of India and Berlin, and he films them very beautifully - particularly India. From the opening scene of Bond's plane touching down on the river, to the fight sequence in the streets, Hume makes India a place you really want to visit. Add to that Lamont's set design - taking heavy inspiration from Ken Adam - which is nothing short of visually spectacular, notably the Russian War Room which is an amazing set. In the world of Bond, huge rooms and minimalist furniture is definitely the "in" thing.

So let's talk about the actors. Roger Moore, quite honestly, is beginning to look just a little too old to be playing Bond in this movie, and this is not helped by a number of other details. Lois Maxwell is obviously in the same position as Moneypenny, and to counter this a new secretary is brought in - Penelope Smallbone. Clearly all this does is make Maxwell and Moore's age all the more obvious. Similarly, we get a new "M" for this movie - Robert Brown. Brown and Moore don't recapture what Lee had with Connery (or even Lazenby or Moore), and again this is a problem due to the fact that Bond looks older than "M" does. It's difficult to be crusty and grumpy when you're best agent is your senior.

Digressing for just a moment, it's interesting to speculate about the new "M". The first question that arises is: is he supposed to be Sir Miles Messervey? Are he and Bernard Lee playing the same character, vis a vis the various Bonds. OR, is this a new "M", who shares a lot of his predecessor's characteristics? Could this actually be Admiral Hargreaves from The Spy Who Loved Me? (Admittedly only thought of because Hargreaves was also played by Brown). But back to Moore...

Despite his age in the film, Moore actually gives a rather brilliant performance, though the Bond he plays is more the one from TSWLM than Live And Let Die or FYEO. That said, Bond is still a far more gentle person towards women, giving them the same respect he gives everybody else (with the exception of Sadruddin, head of the Indian brance of MI6, where he rather racistly remarks "This will keep you in curry" as he throws him some of his winnings), and he does also have the ruthless edge when he coldly assassinates one of the knife throwing twins, avenging the death of 009. It's a rather satisfying moment. However, it is the relationships that give Moore the edge in this film. There is a really nice moment when, after Vijay is killed, Bond hears someone repeat what Vijay said to him and the look on Moore's face plays out the emotion beautifully. Equally, despite Louis Jordan getting all the best lines in the film, Moore owns the backgammon scene, which he plays to absolute perfection. Also it's nice to see Bond actually doing some spy work again - for the first time since LALD he actually checks his phone for bugs. And General Orlov doesn't recognise who he is! A pleasant change to realism.

Maud Adams makes some sort of history as she becomes the only actress to play a major Bond girl twice, and she is a rather good actress, to her credit, making Octopussy a very different character to Andrea Anders. On the downside she still gets smacked across the face, but at least this time it isn't Bond who hits her. What's really good as well is that, at the end of the film, she performs a circus move which at least gives some validation as to why she is running a circus. Octopussy is a great character; very commanding and at some points in the movie, apparently Kamal Kahn's boss, but I'm not entirely certain what the point of keeping her face hidden was - it's not like we'd been waiting anxiously to see it, so there is a build up to nothing for some strange reason. Kristina Wayborn plays Magda, who is essentially Octopussy's henchwoman in the film, and while Wayborn is a very beautiful woman, she gives a very strange performance, her voice coming across as extremely subdued.

Louis Jordan plays the urbane and very well mannered Kamal Kahn, and as I said earlier, gets all the best lines in the movie. His delivery is slightly off beat but adds a certain bizarreness to his character. His henchman is Gobinda, a very effective and terrifying mountain of a man who crushes dice in his hands (in the same way that Oddjob crushed a golfball in his).

The second villain (but third member of the Octopussy triad) is General Orlov, a fanatically devoted Russian patriot, determined to see Russia restored to its great glory. Steven Berkov plays the part brilliantly over the top, chewing the scenary in virtually every scene, but at the same time seeing completely right for what he is doing. He has two henchmen in the form of the knife throwing Miskha and Grishka. Indeed, the whole villainous partnership is quite complex, with all four henchmen working for their bosses different partners at different points in the film, and Octopussy apparently having control over Kahn, and Orlov commanding them both, before Kahn takes control of the situation himself by the end. It's possibly the most complex of relationships between villains we have ever seen.
Orlov's fanatacism allows for us to see General Gogol in a new light, once again. This time he is the voice of reason of the Soviets, determined to win through a more subtle and peaceful manner, and not prepared to see Russia go into nuclear war simply to gain territory. Gogol has been one of the best additions to the series to date, and Walter Gotell plays him perfectly every time. The fact that it is Gogol who brings Orlov down is wonderfully appropriate. Not so much so Frederick Gray who turns up when Bond is briefed, but for no apparent reason other than to have the Minister Of Defence there. It's not even like he should be there.

The one other actor I think I should mention is Vijay Amritaj, the former tennis great who plays the part of...Vijay. It's all very well casting a celebrity, but when you have to hammer his real profession down the throat of the audience it gets rather stupid. The jokes about tennis are ridiculous, and the scene where he fights a man with a racquet, while the bystanders turn their heads to and fro is vomit worthy. However, the character is completely redeemed when he is murdered. Killing Vijay is a very brave move on the part of the movie makers, and by really running with it, they make it horribly effective.

Rounding back to the production crew, it's worth noting that John Barry has returned to score the movie, and clearly his time away has done him some good as he churns out an absolutely fantastic soundtrack, full of stirring renditions and new themes that bring the movie to life. Added to that, we get a very beautiful title song (lyrics provided by popular lyracist Tim Rice, no less), although it doesn't mention the movie's title at all. Cowards. Maurice Binder's title sequence is curiously effective, though a little generic in some places, with the standard "project 007 onto a naked woman" idea. But seeing Bond wrapped up by a number of arms is innovative, and the Doctor Who-like swirling vortex is interesting as well.

So let's wrap up with our traditional "find the faults" and "aren't they brilliant moments" bit. We'll start off negative.

The fact that Bond recognises the James Bond theme is a really, really bad idea. The union jack air balloon is a bit silly, and Bond doing a Tarzan call in the jungle - well the less said the better. There doesn't seem to be much point to Magda seducing Bond if Gobinda was just going to knock him out and carry him away. And the Faberge egg situation is a bit odd - Bond had the real egg, but Orlov later claims it is a fake, before smashing it. Happily Louis Jordan winces to indicate it was the real one destroyed, but why would Orlov not know that? Was Kahn betraying him much earlier on? Kahn's cheating at backgammon is very, very blatant - that old guy deserved to lose. And suddenly Bond has the ability to quickchange into new things - be they shrouds, alligator subs or gorilla costumes.

But there are some wonderful things to look out for in the film. The pretitle sequence is fantastic and the Minijet sequence is wonderful. In fact there are a lot of great sequences in the film including the plane fight at the end. "Q" gets to go out and do some fieldwork (though seriously, why would the Head of Q Branch actually do that?) and there is a brilliant little moment when Gobinda and Kahn are about to flee the nuclear explosion, only to find their car doesn't start. The look of relief on their faces when it does is priceless.

I have to say I really enjoyed this film, and it's a tough call for me to decide whether it is better than FYEO.
Favourite movie order: 1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 2. Dr No; 3. Live And Let Die; 4. Thunderball; 5. For Your Eyes Only/Octopussy 6. The Spy Who Loved Me; 7. From Russia, With Love; 8. Goldfinger; 9. You Only Live Twice; 10. Moonraker; 11. The Man With The Golden Gun; 12. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl: 1. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 2. Diana Rigg/Tracy; 3. Carole Bouquet/Melina; 4. Barbara Bach/Anya; 5. Maud Adams/Octopussy 6. Mie Hama/Kissy; 7. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 8. Ursula Andress/Honey; 9. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 10. Lois Chiles/Holly; 11. Honor Blackman/Pussy; 12. Britt Ekland/Mary; 13. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain: 1. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 2. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 3. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 4. Louis Jordan & Steven Berkov/Kahn & Orlov 5. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 6. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 7. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 8. Julian Glover/Kristatos; 9. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 10. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 11. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 12. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 13. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

Doctor Who Action Figures: Classic Series Wave 1

Now, as many of you may know, or have at the very least worked out, I'm kinda keen on Doctor Who. Pretty good stuff. Love the programme.

And action figures, oh my goodness, they are so good. The action figures that Character Options have released over the last few years have been getting better and better, and looking so fantastic it's not funny. The series four figures are absolutely brilliant. When I was a kid, this was exactly the kind of situation that I wished Doctor Who had been in. I have the desperate urge to create He-Man stories, but not so much Doctor Who stories, even though I love Doctor Who more, and my theory is that it was because I had He-Man action figures. If I had Doctor Who figures, I'd be doing exactly the same thing with the time traveller.

So as a result, when I got wind of the fact that CO were going to release a series of classic series Doctor Who figures, I got more than just a little excited. It took me about five minutes to pre-order my classic series figures, mainly because I couldn't immediately find my wallet. And then they arrived...

OK, so I'm gonna gush about these figures for a long while, but first I will gripe. WHY THE HELL DOESN'T DAVISON HAVE HIS CELERY???? Yes, the fifth Doctor doesn't have his typical stick of celery stuck to his lapel. And I know the reason - the designer didn't like it, and he showed the prototype to Davison and the BBC Execs and they all approved. But seriously, did he say "Here's Peter's figure. I didn't sculpt on the celery, and I hope no one minds", OR did he say "Here's Peter's figure," and all the time thinking 'If I don't mention it, they won't talk about it.' Meanwhile Davison's thinking 'If I don't mention it, they won't talk about it.' OK, so the celery on the lapel is a pretty daft idea, but here's the thing - that's the figure. Now, quite frankly I think Colin Baker's costume would have been much better in blue - as the CDs have suggested. But the action figure needs to represent the character and his costume was the multi-coloured nightmare, so that's what he should have on. Davison's costume included the celery, like it or not. It sucks big balls that they didn't include it.

OK, so let's gush. Firstly there are eight figures in this range and a Classic Dalek collection. The classic collection has a Dalek from "The Daleks" and one from "Genesis Of The Daleks", while the third Dalek is the Dalek Supreme from "Planet Of The Daleks". These Daleks look fantastic, and when you stick them beside a new series Dalek they don't actually look that crap, which is pretty cool.

Now, onto the eight main figures. We get three Doctors - Tom Baker, Davison and Colin Baker, and aside from no celery they are fantastic figures. The heights have all been pretty well matched, with T Baker towerering over, not only his fifth and sixth selves, but also his ninth and tenth. I was mildly surprised that Davison was taller than C Baker, as I didn't think that was the case, but I'll let it pass. The fourth and fifth Doctors both come with sonic screwdrivers, while the sixth Doctor comes with the sonic lance he used in Attack Of the Cybermen. Perhaps more impressively is the fact that the fourth Doctor comes with exchangable heads, so you can have moody Baker and "more teeth than braincells" Baker. They are great figures, although I'm not sure Colin Baker was ever as thin as his action figure suggests he was.

There are five other figures - a Sea Devil with heat weapon; a Zygon with Skarasen recall unit (really the dumbest accessory for any character); SV7; D84 (with Voc disabler) and Magnus Greel, who comes with Mr Sin, and an exchangable head so you can replace the mask with the horrible face. Again, all figures are brilliantly sculpted - indeed the Zygon even has the microphone in the top of his chest which was wear it was on the original costume - and all are given wonderful height. I had forgetten the Sea Devil towered over every other monster there was. If I had to fault the figures then the two things I would single out would be the lack of identification mark on D84, and the fact that several of the characters find it hard to stand up without hassle.

Finally, and this is a biggie, this wave of figures comes with a build-a-figure; in this instance the might K1 robot from the story "Robot" (oh the imagination!). Standing at 18 cm, it towers over nearly all the other figures (although still not quite as impressive as the werewolf). The funny thing about this figure is that he has to look pretty lopsided in order to stand up properly. Now, most people may think that is crap, but it really does look like the thing on television which had the most bizarre lolloping gait I've ever seen. It looks fantastic!

Apparently these figures have sold out now, so I can only hope that this will convince the CO bigwigs that another wave is needed soon. More Doctors!

"A+"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Betrayed (Season 7)

Law & Order: Crminal Intent. Or as I like to call it, Law & Order: D'Onofrio Ate All The Pies (The Fat Bastard).

You can always tell a Goren episode by the ridiculously edited pretitle sequence which, in this episode, uses the most crap-looking pixellation effect I've ever seen. And, of course, all is done to an obscure song that no one has ever heard of. And so we head into an episode that comes from Ross wanting to help a former girlfriend - clearly Major Case no longer actually has real cases to deal with, rather they just wait around til a friend or family member has a problem. Ross himself is clearly just a media whore as he is always at junkets. You wouldn't see poor old Deakins at one of these things.

Meanwhile, as soon as some former lover has a problem, Ross calls in Goren and Eames, who, despite being his best detectives, clearly have nothing better to do than go looking for a missing person. Thankfully Eames has the decency to express the audience's opinions, although rather bitchingly she asks "you need both of us for this?". Obviously she is happy for Goren to go doing this sort of rubbish.

And there is still the tension between Eames and Goren, and Goren still seems to be baiting Ross at every opportunity he can. I don't mind the tension between Goren and Ross, but really, the Eames/Goren situation needs to end quite soon. On the plus side, by about half way into the episode they seem to have gotten over their difficulties and are working together as effectively as they always have been.

To be frank, this episode wasn't terrible, and Eric Roberts gives a nice cameo performance as a complete sleaze, while there are some great little moments in the episode, particularly when Eames and Goren are both reluctant to handle a dirty tape.

But God, can't we just go back to the way CI used to be? And why is D'Onofrio trying to look like William Petersen????

"B"

Wall*E

I have to admit to being a HUGE Pixar fan. Ever since I saw Toy Story, I've fallen in love with the movies this company produces. The stories are amazing and the graphics are equally so. And they went from strength to strength. Bugs, Monsters Inc, Toy Story II, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles - each movie was better than its predecessor. Sadly, of course, there had to be a point when a movie came out that wasn't quite as good as what came before, and Cars was it. The Incredibles was so good, that Cars was on a hiding to nothing in order to be better. Ratatouille was better than cars, and I sat down to enjoy Wall*E, knowing I would be entertained, but wondering if I would be impressed.
To my horror, Pixar have dumped the tradition of trailing their next movie at the beginning of the movie, and so we don't get a preview for "Up". This blows.
However, I was soon taken in by the short film that always precedes Pixar movies - in this case a merry tale about a rabbit who looks like he'd been designed by Aardman Animation, desperate to eat a carrot, but forced to go through a magic routine before he could get it. He rebels, it's funny. I would have been happy with that movie alone.

I'm always impressed with a film that is prepared to take risks, and Wall*E takes a huge risk by effectively having no dialogue for almost the first half of the movie. Aside from Wall*e and Eve's electronic burbling there is no talking from any of the characters. The other thing that is surprising about this film is that it actually has genuine human actors in it, which is unique for a Pixar film, and sets the audience wondering how they are going to get away with introducing CGI human characters later. Happily, all is taken care of.

Pixar movies, despite being great fun and highly exciting adventures, are really about the emotional story of the characters, and there is no difference with this movie. I never thought I'd feel emotionally involved with two robots, but you do get quite drawn into Wall*e's story and as the poor little robot becomes increasingly decrepit as the movie goes on - essentially in an attempt to save the human race - you start to worry that he wont make it to the end. And that, of course, would be dreadful for Eve, if not for the audience.

I could gush over Wall*E for ages and ages, but the fact is you need to go and see the movie to experience it for yourself. Maybe it's the science fiction element, but I have to say, this movie pushes the heights that Pixar have achieved.

"A+"

Girls Of Playboy: August

Blondes vs Brunettes: 3-1.

Brazillians vs Pubes: 3-1. Not a crossover though.

McKenzie Taylor got the Coed Of The Month position, and she's a shaven Blonde. Seriously, there's a quite considerable lack of originality this month in the Coeds, though I am exceedingly pleased that I finally picked the COEM. Didn't I? I don't remember, and I just can't be bothered to go back and check. Nope, I just checked, and discovered I chose Amanda King. How much do I suck?

The Coeds this month are Rebekkah Abilah (brunette), Linsey Rene, Amy Andrews (non-brazillian) and Angel Barber. Frankly, Barber is a little old for my tastes (though she's probably younger than me, but I always feel that the Coeds should look as though they are actually attending university just after college). Rebekkah I'm just not sure about. She seems a little stunned. Linsey and Amy are both very beautiful and I would choose Amy to be the COEM from this group. Hopefully I can get that one right.

Blondes vs Brunettes: 1-3 (wow!).

Brazillians vs Pubes: 4-0. Well done to those waxers.

Sharae Spears is the choice for CyberGirl Of the Month, and frankly I'm disappointed. There was so much choice from April and I'm talking about the range of ethnicity there. It was so great to see such a diverse selection of girls in April, but sadly they went for the standard choice. One which I didn't pick by the way. God I've got a bad track record for this.

Now, while it may initially seem that the Cybergirls are all pretty similar (really, even blonde Kristina Jarvis is the same as her three predecessors despite her hair colour), but it's interesting to see that there is quite an age gap. Anissa Holmes, first up, is 27, and after her is 19 year old Shannon Bettencourt. Alinna Penta is 24 and Kristina is 26, so it's interesting to see the age gap there. Nothing really stands out in the photographs this month, and the girls are particularly stand out from each other, but I'll put my money on Shannon. What have I got to lose? I have no reputation anymore.

Miss September is 20 year old Valerie Mason and it's nice to see a bit of artistry being done on the photos. I love the mirror photo of Valerie which reminds me a little of the Lisa Marie Scott pictorial waaaay back in...oooh...96? About the time I started reading Playboy, actually. Valerie has a slight Mary Elizabeth Winstead feel about her and she's a very pretty brunette. And how nice to see a snake being used as a prop in some of the photos? A wonderful change.

Surprisingly we've had a fairly constant brunette/blonde/brunette/blonde pattern this year, so I predict that Miss November will be a brunette. Miss October is blonde. I win.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Contract (Season 7)

Now I like Alicia Witt as much as the next man, but the fact of the matter is that the whole "Logan is the peacemaker" idea was just stupid from the outset. Logan's the hotheaded detective, always has been and always should be. So thank God Julianne Nicholson is back as Detective Megan Wheeler. Chris Noth seems to agree as he has perked up tremendously in this episode, looking more alive in this episode than he has been all season. It's also fun to see Wheeler bitching about Folacci as she throws her replacement's things in the bin. It's quite rare to see a big deal made about detectives replacing and returning in the Law & Order universe (and yes, by L&O standards this is a big deal), but it's also nice to see it happen.

Anyway, back to the story. To be honest my daughter was being a pain in the tonight and so I didn't quite get the entire feel for what was going on, and boy do I regret that because the story was more than just a little complicated. I have to admit that I'm still a little confused as to what was going on. I'm not quite sure how the detectives suddenly became so interested in the death of the actor unless they just happened to look into that case with a little more detail because it was involved with the case they were investigating...meh...I don't know.

I'm not going to be too tough on this episode because I didn't give it my close attention. Of mild interest, though, was the crossover with In Plain Sight...interesting decision. All in all though, the best thing about this episode was reuniting Logan with Wheeler, the partner who suits him best.

For Your Eyes Only

After four movies in which the association between Connery's Bond and Moore's Bond was heavily downplayed, suddenly we are hit by a pretitle sequence that seems determined to remind the audience that the two are the same - or at the very least, Moore's Bond is the same man as Lazenby's. A visit to Tracy's grave (interestingly confirming that Tracy was murdered in 1969...so is For Your Eyes Only set twelve years after On Her Majesty's Secret Service?) is followed by an attack by a bald man with a white cat...hmmm, wonder who that can be. Seems to reinforce the idea that Blofeld was wearing a wig in Diamonds Are Forever, however, and ensures we won't ever be seeing Blofeld again. And we get a mention of Universal Exports being a cover for the Secret Service!

Aside from a gunbarrel sequence in which Bond is still wearing flares in the 80's, FYEO seems to be setting a completely different tone for the Bond films, no doubt helped by a new director helming the series. Indeed, Moore's attitude towards women in the previosu film has been replaced by a much more caring character who is a lot less indifferent towards the women he meets. When hit on by someone who is virtually jailbait, Bond actually has the decency to turn her down. Bond seems to be a reformed character - he doesn't even light up a cigar.

John Glen directs with the eye of an editor - obiviously as he has been doing editing duties on a number of the previous films - and as such the film holds together very well. Clearly Glen knows what he wants and how it is going to end up and film is very well put together. The best examples of these are the action sequences in the film. The scene aboard the St George's and the subsequent scene of the Havelock's murder are particularly intense. the pretitle sequence has some gorgeous photography above London. Glen manages to make a fair bit of difference to traditional action sequences such as the, by now compulsory underwater sequence, the ski sequence and the car chase. The latter, despite the movie seeing the return of the Lotus, is actually conducted in a Mini, which is a hilarious twist on the traditional idea. Of course all of these take place in some stunning locations we have rarely seen, such as Greece and Milan.

The story is loosely based on two of Fleming's short stories - "For Your Eyes Only" and "Risico", the former about the Havelocks being murdered by Gonzales, the latter about the rivalry between Colombo and Kristatos. The movie story ties these two stories together into an overall story about the sinking of a British ship and it's ATAC system. There is, in fact, quite a lot of story in the movie, and as such, after the title sequence, it is quite some time before Bond turns up as the story requires a kick start from a number of different directions.
Julian Glover, one of the many people considered to replace Moore for this film (hence the rather curious pretitle sequence), gives a superb performance as the very charmaing and manipulative Aris Kristatos. He quietly attempts to manipulate everyone around him into doing his dirty work, which for Bond requires him killing Colombo. When he dispenses with this facade, he becomes completely indifferent towards everyone, including his own men.

One of the highlights of From Russia, With Love was the brilliant cameraderie between Bond and Kerim Bey, and until now Roger Moore hasn't had someone with whom he can share that with (maybe excluding David Hedison's Felix Leiter). Topol plays Milos Colombo, a man who is apparently dating Countess Lisl (although she is a bit of a floozy as she quickly goes beyond her instructions to discover more about Bond and sleeps with him), and who, according to Kristatos, is the big bad villain of the piece. When Bond and Colombo meet, Colombo exudes even more charm and charisma than Kristatos. Topol manages to steal scenes even from Roger Moore, and Moore has a very good relationship Topol.

It's also worth mentioning there is another nice character who strikes up a good relationship with Bond and that is his contact in Cortina, Ferrara. They have a nice little moment, played extremely well by the two actors, where they introduce each other and as the two are not given a lot of screen time together, it helps tremendously in getting us to believe that Bond cares about this man. Indeed, to the extent where, for the first time in the series, Bond commits cold blooded murder of the henchman Locque, in revenge for Ferrera.

Indeed the brilliance of the relationship more than makes up for the sad loss of Bernard Lee who passed away before filming of this movie took place, and as such there is no appearance by "M" in FYEO. Instead his position is taken by James Villiers as Chief of Staff Tanner, miles away from his background appearance in The Man With The Golden Gun. In this movie he seems to have even more disdain for Bond than "M" did in a Guy Hamilton film. Tanner is backed up by the Minister of Defence who has, quite frankly, outstayed his welcome. In this movie he merely grunts his way through the film, at one point even getting a raised eyebrow from Moore when he grunts agreement twice in a row. The audience is with you all the way, Roger...

Conversely the regular appearances of General Gogol seem to be always on the mark. Going from "M"'s opposite to comedy relief, he now appears as Bond's chief rival, though in such a delightful way as, when Bond throws the ATAC over a cliff, Gogol is happily accepting of the situation. It also helps that, aside from a brief phone call at the beginning of the movie, Gogol doesn't say a word for his final appearances. Both Moneypenny and "Q" also return, although they are merely going through the paces in this film. That said, Glen is carrying on Gilbert's desire to have "Q"'s workshop become a sci-fi gadget convention.

No Bond movie is a true Bond movie without the gorgeous women and we get three women in this film. I've already mentioned Lisl, a rather curious character, played charmingly by Cassandra Harris (and is that our first glimpse of nipple in a Bond film??), but we also have Melina Havelock (Carole Bouquet) and Bibi Dahl (Lynn-Holly Johnson). Bouquet is stunning in the film, with a husky voice and a dab hand with a crossbow, and she really stands head and shoulders above her immediate predecessor and the other ladies in the film. Johnson, on the other hand, is good in her role, but it is a dodgy idea all round. She is clearly the desire of Kristatos and possibly even her trainer, Jacoba Brink, but to be honest, the paedophilic hints are distasteful even for a Bond villain, and lesbian paedophilia is even more at odds for the series. Thank God Bond himself manages to reject her advances.

On the music front there are a number of points to be made. Sheena Easton performs the title song and clearly impressed Maurice Binder so much he put her into the sequence itself - although she does appear to be naked. Bill Conti takes over the composing chores for the film and gives the film a really different edge to John Barry's ideas. Conti's music is very much a product of its time, but I can't help but love it. Sadly he does something ridiculously stupid and has the musical code for the door in "Q"'s lab be 'Nobody Does It Better'.

On the trivia front, how weird is it to see Charles Dance in one of his early film roles? And the dubbing on Blofeld sounds a lot like Robert Rietty. Also interesting is that Bond is no longer instantly identifiable by everyone he meets, but curiously Gonzales identifies as a British agent by his Walther.

Some small plotholes - it's never quite clear whether the sea mine that destroys the St Georges is an accident or deliberate. Who exactly did send the telegram to Melina to get her to come to Cortina? Bond didn't and no one else knew who she was. How on Earth can Kreigler be the East German champion, and dash off in the middle of competing to assassinate someone? Melina's actions are a little curious - why did she go to the casino where Bond met with Lisl?

This is a brilliant movie, but there are a couple of low points; Blofeld offering Bond a stainless steel delicatessan is just stupid, as well as making no sense at all. Sadly the man who sees something he believes comes from his drinking is back...again...and the ending is ridiculously stupid. Quite aside from the idiocy of having a parrot flirt with Margaret Thatcher, hasn't the MOD learnt not to put Bond in touch with high ranking officials?
Favourite movie order: 1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 2. Dr No; 3. Live And Let Die; 4. Thunderball; 5. For Your Eyes Only 6. The Spy Who Loved Me; 7. From Russia, With Love; 8. Goldfinger; 9. You Only Live Twice; 10. Moonraker; 11. The Man With The Golden Gun; 12. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl: 1. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 2. Diana Rigg/Tracy; 3. Carole Bouquet/Melina; 4. Barbara Bach/Anya; 5. Mie Hama/Kissy; 6. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 7. Ursula Andress/Honey; 8. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 9. Lois Chiles/Holly; 10. Honor Blackman/Pussy; 11. Britt Ekland/Mary; 12. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain: 1. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 2. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 3. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 4. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 5. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 6. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 7. Julian Glover/Kristatos; 8. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 9. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 10. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 11. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 12. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

NCIS: Judgement Day (Part II) (Season 5)

And so NCIS finishes with another death and the team disbanded. There's a vague House feeling to this end of season, as though Chas Floyd Johnson was inspired by watching the finale of season 3 of House and decided to do the same for NCIS. We even have a new black boss leading the orgnaisation (although to be fair that happened in Season 2 of House).

One of the problems with this two parter, and indeed the problem with most of this season, is the hinting at ideas that are not really clarified. I think that, in this day and age, it's rare and nice for a television show to force the audience to think for themselves - hence the hint in the first part that Shepard killed La Grenouille which is never actually clarified in the second. Indeed Gibbs' brooding in the first part is completely forgotten about as he sets off after Mike Franks...quite why he does this is never really explained; there certainly seems no reason for Gibbs to believe Franks is involved.

Recycling plots of previous seasons is also a hallmark of this season, and as such we get the recycled idea that Mike Franks is the bad guy. It was done last season, here it is again, and to no one's surprise Franks turns out to be a good guy. Just a thief.

And the theft is Dekker's insurance policy which Franks refuses to hand over to new NCIS Director Leon Vance. There seems to be a conclusion vibe to this particular story line, which is perhaps a shame as Franks seems to be very familiar with Vance and seems to bear a grudge against the man. Given that Vance's first act as director is to destroy something from his file perhaps there is indeed more to this story.

Not the greatest season in NCIS' history - perhaps Harmon should have let Bellisario keep control - but it's still been very entertaining, and it's nice to have such a good cliffhanger to end the series on. With TEN promising to show the next season in two weeks time, perhaps the mediochrity of season 5 will be quickly washed away.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Purgatory (Season 7)

Poor old Goren. Apparently it has been five months since the last Goren episode (which is rather poor show for Logan and Folacci who appear to have solved one case in that entire time...get with the picture detectives!! You're Major Case for God's sake!) and during that time Goren has been doing nothing but drinking and Eames has been doing...well, nothing I guess.

Enter former detective Mike Stoat (played by former SVU regular Dean Winters) who offers Goren a dodgy job with drug dealers and the single minded Goren accepts, but it appears not before running off to Ross and arranging a deal to get back on the job in exchange for going undercover. Meanwhile Eames knows nothing about this and - coincidentally - investigates the case from the other angle, with Ross not telling either of what is happening. Prick. It looks like he wants the two to kill each other.

Now, I've made my feelings pretty plain about CI episodes that center around Goren or Logan's lives, and I've also made it clear what I think about making Goren and Eames hate each other. These are BAD ideas people. CI is about a brilliant detective investigating crimes which we get to see from the perspective of the criminals. What's so hard about doing that kind of thing?

Eames does bugger all, Goren just mopes about complaining about life and Ross looks like a complete asshead. So seriously is this a good episode?

We're over it. Bring back the original premise.

"C"

The Quatermass Experiment

For television programmes that have been going on for quite some time, the idea of a "gimmick" to bring viewers back to the fold, or simply to generate interest, is not unusual, and chief amongst these gimmicks is the "live broadcast" idea. It's ironic that when live broadcasts were made, there was no real desire to do them, but now in an era of pre-filmed everything, the live broadcast is something novel and interesting.

When BBC4 found themselves with a historial television retrospective and a desire to actually commission something that would be unique to the digital channel, it was curious that The Quatermass Experiment was the programme they chose to remake, and their decision to to do the serial live came less from the wont to gimmick, and more from a desire to capture the feel of the original which, due to the time of broadcast meant that it no longer existed because of live broadcast.

Modern actors and directors are not really used to the rigours of a live broadcast. For the actors it is more akin to being on stage and being in England becomes something of an advantage as the majority of actors there are used to having been on stage at some point. For directors it is more difficult, used as they are to single camera filming and having the opportunity to go back and reshoot something if they were unhappy with the take or the camera angle. Not so much with a live broadcast.

The Quatermass Experiment is an unusual beast, following closely to the story of the original but taking into account the sensibilities of the modern audience. In 1953 there was no issue in the final episode when the monster that comes back to Earth in Quatermass' rocket turns out to be a glove puppet crashing through a model - black and white covers a multitude of sins. These days the audiences want their monsters to look completely convincing and the best way of doing that is in post-production which is a luxury that a live broadcast simply doesn't have. Consequently the ending of the new version of TQE is somewhat different to the original being more pyschological thriller than B-movie climax.

Additionally the cast is at least, on average, ten years younger than the original. Jason Flemying, perhaps best known for his portrayal of a dodgy cockney chef in Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels, is Bernard Quatermass, an intense and pragmatic, if somewhat dramatic, leader of the British Experimental Rocket Group who is behind the experiment in question, and feels very responsible for missing crew members of the rocket on its return. He is joined by Adrian Dunbar as the down-to-earth Defence ministry investigator; Mark Gatiss as the embittered second of the BERG; Indira Varma as a scientist on Quatermass' team; and David Tennant as the medical officer. At the time it was a group of little known actors, but the majority have proven themselves in a vast array of other fields, be they Gatiss in The League Of Gentlemen, or Tennant in Doctor Who.

In truth the whole production is very schmick and extremely engaging. Perhaps my one gripe is the decision not to release the DVD version showing the actual live broadcast - warts and all - but a hybrid version, replacing errors with rehearshal versions. It sort of defeats the purpose of what we were seeing.
Nonetheless as an experiment in live television, using half a century-old material, it succeeds marvellously.

"A-"

NCIS - Judgment Day I (Season 5)

She's been away for a fair old while, but Jenny has finally returned, and this time she gets the chance to take center stage, joined, rather curiously, by Mike Franks, making a return this season (who thought we'd seen the end of that old bastard last year?).

This is an odd sort of episode - the first of a two parter which is unusual in of itself in NCIS. Gibbs spends most of the episode reaching the conclusion that was hinted at some time ago, that Jenny was responsible for the murder of La Grenouile, despite the admission by Korte. Other storylines are also finally being tied up - hints at Jenny being ill are confirmed, despite her denying it to Gibbs earlier in the season.

So as Gibbs does nothing, Tony and Ziva become Jenny's bodyguards for a while, until Jenny sends them away at a funeral after hearing a certain word, and then summoning Franks to help her defend herself. The killers of Agent Dekker will be after her and Gibbs next. Scary stuff, and thanks to the rather surprise ending of the episode, something of a shock. NCIS has the ability to really ram home a punch, but rather than take it they like to beat around the bush. It's nice to see them stepping up to the crease for this episode.

I won't say too much more about this episode, in light of the fact it is the first of a two parter, but I will mention one moment of humour that is truly worth it, and that's the forensic team confusing McGee by taking on the personas of the investigators - Ducky becoming Tony, Abby becoming Ziva and, rather neatly, Palmer becoming Gibbs - until the real article turns up.

Entertaining? Oh, yes.

"B+"

Make It Happen

Men and women are completly different no matter what people say. During the opening dance routine of this movie, both my wife and I enjoyed it immensely, noticing the routine's nuances and it's various styles (thank you "So You Think You Can Dance"). I, however, also noticed, that the routine must have been filmed over three days as you could tell Mary Elizabeth Winstead was wearing no less than three different forms of underwear. Attention to detail me, I can assure you.

So, back in the ninties, there was a movie called Coyote Ugly which was essentially about this singer who wanted to make it big, so she travelled to the big smoke, but found her dreams failing and, rather than go back to hicksville and tell her father she hadn't made it, she took a job at a bar where she was forced to do some risque stuff, while meeting a guy who encouraged her dreams. Just as she was about to make it, her father arrived at the bar and was shocked by what he saw, but as she gives up on her dreams, he tells her to follow them and she makes it as a singer.

So substitute dancer for singer, burlesque club for bar and brother for father, and you essentially have the plot for Make It Happen.

Oh did I mention that there was a bitch at the bar who makes it difficult for our heroine? In both versions of course.

So obviously this is a chick flick, and more than that it is a dance movie in the tradition of Step Up and all the others in that field, but although this has some great dancing, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead is hot and looks great dancing (although her hair normally is absolutely atrocious and whenever she has it done up it becomes a billion times better), the fact is that this movie doesn't really try as much as it's predecessors and feels very much like a by-the-numbers type of movie.

The highlight of this is at the end where the writer has clearly given up on the script and the bitch throughout the movie suddenly tosses in the line "Oh, sorry for giving you a hard time, I just wanted you to get a feel of what it was like for me."

If I was Mary's character, I would have turned around and punched her in the face for being such a stupid prat.

Chick flick or not, you can always make the effort with what you are doing and this movie simply doesn't. Thank goodness the dancing looks great, but there isn't enough of it to make the movie step up..ho ho ho.

"C+"

Quatermass And The Pit

Back in the fifties when television was trying to find its feet and the majority of it was working on the assumption it was pretty much just a filmed theatre production - albeit without an audience - one writer, Nigel Kneale, and producer Rudolph Cartier, set out to prove that this wasn't the case. They had enormous success with a production of 1984 which was so good it was performed a second week after the first production (bearing in mind that this was the day of live television broadcast, without recording for posterity) . They also had a lot of success with a sci-fi television series called The Quatermass Experiment, to the point where they made two sequels to the original production. Now, at this time in England, it was considered to be quite a good idea if excellent television material was turned into a movie, and the horror production company Hammer quickly stepped in and purchased the rights to make movies based on The Quatermass Experiment, Quatermass II and Quatermass And The Pit.

Nigel Kneale, displaying a contempt for the movie versions of his material rivalled only by Alan Moore, was less than impressed with either Experiment or Quatermass II and so was particularly happy when a new actor was cast as Quatermass in The Pit. Andrew Keir took the role on, dumping the raincoat his predecessor wore, and having a full beard from behind which he could grumble with annoyance.

The movie version doesn't take too many liberties with the original source material, although clearly a lot is cut as six half hour episodes are condensed into one ninty minute movie. The major cuts are things like Quatermass' speech at the end being dropped, and a lot of exposition being removed; unnecessary since, rather than showing the story over six weeks, one would watch the whole thing in one day. As a consequence, QATP fairly rollicks along without slowing down for anyone.

The cast are uniformly superb, particularly the brilliant Julian Glover as Colonel Breen, and Barbara Shelley as Quatermass' new assistant. It is Andrew Keir however who steals the movie as Quatermass, performing the part differently to any of his television or movie predecessors, and giving us a character who is world weary but happy to take a back seat to those around him who are perhaps better at dealing with the situation than he is.

The major problem with the movie is the conveying of the story idea that the Martians perform what is effectively a culling, and it is this race memory which scares us when, at the end, the god of the aliens is brought forth. The biggest disappointment is the aliens themselves. On the original television series, there is something quite disturbing about the design of the aiens, but this design is completely thrown away and replaced with a design that makes the alien creatures look more like plastic grasshoppers. It's a disappointing effort.

The story, however, still works well, and it's good to see that there is a strong element of humanity running throgh the work.

"B"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Senseless (Season 7)

This has probably been the most bizarre episode of Criminal Intent, not so much for what happens, but for the fact that the whole whodunnit aspect of the show is completely non-existant. From the very outset - the pretitle sequence - we are shown the crime and those that commit it. In fact, for most of the first third of the episode we are sitting around waiting for Logan and Folacci to catch up with us and arrest the criminals. When they finally get hold of those that caused all the problems, they discover that they can't arrest the ringleader because he terrifies his cronies so much they refuse to finger him (in the judicial sense of the word).

I usually bitch and moan about episodes of CI that stray too far from the formula, but to be fair this is quite a good episode as it's pretty clear from the outset that the episode is really about the struggle Logan has in dealing with a criminal who is..well, simply put he's evil. He virtually has no reason for his killing, aside from something that could either be a hearing disorder or a mental disorder or simply paranoia. When Ross asks Logan if they are seriously dealing with a murderer who has killed two people for no reason, Logan confesses that this seems to be exactly what they are dealing with. It's a scary idea. Criminals who commit crime for the sake of committing crime, possessing, as it it were, a two-dimensional personality, were very big in the fifties and the sixties. By the time the eighties came around, people demanded real reasons for crime occurring. A villain doesn't just want to take over the world - there has to be a reason for wanting to do that. By the norties, are expectations of motivations are far more refined, but the truth is that there are people - agents of chaos as it were - who will commit crime for no reason other than to cause havoc. When we are confronted by those people, they are far scarier than the average schmo who is keen to make sure his wife will never cheat on him again.

For those who aren't in the know, this is the final episode for Alicia Witt and Det Folacci. Witt hasn't had much of a chance to be a fully developed character, appearing in only five episodes, she actually has had less screen time than Goren's temporary partner, Bishop, in season three. That said it was interesting to put the hotheaded Logan in a partnership with an even more hotheaded character like Folacci, and although the Logan/Folacci relationship doesn't work as well as the Logan/Wheeler one, it was quite interesting for what it attempted to acheive.

Good luck Folacci, enjoy your transfer.

"B"

He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe: Volume Three

If you were a kid in the eighties and you had any taste at all you will love He-Man (unless of course you're a whinging bitch like Aaron who is going to bang on about how it didn't have an overall story arc and blah, blah, blah). Big deal Az!!! He was He-Man!!! He rocked! Skeletor was the best villain ever! You learnt a moral at the end of each episode and that's why we are such great people today. Oh yes, everything we do right, Generation X owes to He-Man.

The cool thing about the 2002 version of He-Man was that it took everything that was great about the original series and turned it into something that would appeal to a modern audience, whose sensibilities did actually include vague story arcs and the like. In some ways this was almost targeted more at the fans than at the kids who were going to buy the toys again. Hopefully that's not the reason the thing was cancelled.

This box set covers the last thirteen episodes and, indeed, all there is of season two. At the end of the last season, Adam had lost his power sword and was having to defend Grayskull by himself, while Skeletor, who had let his soldiers get captured, had formed a new new council of evil to attack Grayskull. When his own soldiers turned up to help attack it looked very grim for Adam indeed.

Naturally Adam manages to escape this situation, find his power sword and defeat Skeletor, which is what we all expected, but it's mostly thanks to his friends, and most notably of them, MossMan! How cool to see him back again. This season introduces us to a whole new range of characters. Zodac returns and actually does something, while Fisto is introduced into the series. As of episode three, the title changes to Masters Of The Universe Vs The Snake-Men after Evil-Lyn helps Kobra Kahn and Rattlor free King Hsss and his snake men army. We discover they existed a long time ago and even battled King Grayskull, the man whose power Adam calls on to become He-Man. So, along with King Hsss, Tung Lashor, Sssqueeze and Snake Face, we also get glimpses of Hordak, Mantanna, Leech and Grizzlor as they are being set up to become the big bad villains for season three.

Which sadly never came around.

And it is sad, because, quite frankly, Season Two of the 2002 He-Man is bloody great. It rollicks along, providing us with some great stories, some wonderful fan moments showing us Eternia's past, and a story arc for King Hsss as he tries to take over Eternia, knowing that Hordak is just itching to be released from his prison.

I have no idea why this series was cancelled, and whoever chose to do it should be bloody shot for it.

"A"

NCIS: About Face (Season 5)

Ever since dear old Gerald was shot in season one, Jimmy Palmer has been Ducky Mallard's medical assistant, bumbling along providing us with comic relief as he makes jokes in poor tastes, has sex with Agent Lee in the most awkward places and sparks a curious rivalry with McGee. Indeed, we even got to see him have a go at Chip in season three. If cast interaction is the best thing about NCIS (and it is), then Palmer contributes greatly to making the programme a success. He should be a regular, really.

So it's nice to see an episode that concentrates on him for a change. It's another "self doubt" episode, perhaps coming a little too hot on the heels of Ziva's "self doubt" episode, but unlike Ziva's, the difference is that Palmer's not the hero of the series. When he fails to catch the guy who stole a passport and then shot at him, no one ever criticises Palmer (with the exception of Assistant Director Vance, who makes a return here - will Jenny ever return?) because, as Ducky so rightly points out, he is a medical assistant, not a field agent.

It's only Palmer who blames himself, and it's Palmer's self loathing the drives the episode as he struggles to recall the information his frightened brain has seized up and won't release. This leads to a hilarious hypnosis scene where we find that Palmer has a shoe fetish, and the ability to accurately recall who sold him coffee (though of all the things Palmer reveals it's perhaps a shame he didn't reveal anything about Agent Lee - a plot thread that has been left curiously dangling). But in the end, of course, Palmer shines through when he takes the risk - against Gibbs' instructions - and slams his car into the bad guy's. Hoo-rah Palmer!

Not much of a case, but worth it for the chance to see Palmer shine.

"B+"

Hellboy II - The Golden Army

I wasn't terribly enamoured with Hellboy, I have to confess, and I'm not entirely sure why. I like Guillermo Del Toro as a director, I like fantasy comics, I don't mind religious iconography...there was just something about the movie that left me feeling "meh". After Pan's Labrynth and seeing the trailer for Hellboy II, I got the feeling that perhaps Del Toro was taking the series far, far away from the source material. If The Dark Knight is more Nolan than Batman, I was getting the vibe that Hellboy II would be more Del Toro than Hellboy.

I needn't have worried that much. There is a lot more creature feature in the movie, and it does stray further from the comics than the first movie did, but it doesn't completely head off on the wrong tangent, and there is justification for why there are so many beings turning up in the movie.

On the acting front, Ron Perlman is up to his usual standards as Hellboy, a part he was pretty much born to play. I can never quite work out in my mind whether Selma Blair is hot or not, but I have to admit she actually looks very good in this movie, which is great because she spends most of the movie bitching. All the rest of cast are well and truly on form, and Seth MacFarlane puts in an appearance, clearly based on the fact that his Klaus accent is so hilarious.

One thing that slightly irks me about the movie, and mainly because it seems to be set up to go the other way, is the complete lack of emotion the team have for whenever one of their "suits" is murdered while on assignment with them. I love the fact that these agents actually have names, and the team knows them, but it's surprising that when they are murdered the team don't seem all that bothered by it. Hellboy I can forgive, but Abe Sapien and Liz should know better.

Luke Goss seems to have shrugged off the Bros stereotype and adopted the "villain under heavy prosthetic" stereotype as he plays a part not a million miles removed from the part he played in Blade II. The good thing, of course, is that he plays it well, so it's quite a memorable role. His sister, as portrayed by Anna Walton is very sweet, and her relationship with Abe is a really nice part of the film. Indeed the best moment in the movie is when Hellboy and Abe, drunk, sing a corny love song about their relationships. It's the kind of thing you expect drunk guys to do, but the counterpoint of one being a horned demon and the other a amphibious homonid makes it that much funnier. Her normal relationship with Abe is also a counterpoint to the rather bizarre one she has with her brother that, thankfully, is only hinted at being more than just blood relatives.

I actually came away from this movie being more impressed with it than I was with the first one, so that's a good thing Del Toro has done for me, at the very least.

"B"