Meet Dave

Not that this is terribly important, but this is the first movie my almost-three-week old daughter saw. Obviously it's now been two days since she saw it, so she is actually three weeks now. She was very good and stayed awake for the first hour of the movie before sleeping for the last forty-four minutes of it, which I think shows particularly good taste.

Back in the day - and I'm talking the 80s here, when Jean-Claude Van Damme was a legitimate action hero and Bill Murray didn't have his head up his arse - Eddie Murphy was the king of comedy flicks. And it basically came down to the fact that someone, somewhere, knew what Murphy was good at; put the man in a buddy flick, make him a charismatic, street wise, punster, and give him a solid straight man to play off. Oh yes, we got Beverly Hills Cop, 48 Hours, Trading Places, Coming To America...hell, even Beverly Hills Cop II had a certain charm about it. Then the naughty nineties hit and suddenly Eddie wasn't quite as funny as he used to be. He stopped doing buddy movies and started to be the solo star of his movies. And it wasn't so great. Worse, he stumbled on the idea that he should have someone to play off - and that someone should be himself...under latex.

Meet Dave is about a group of tiny aliens who crash on Earth to destroy it in order to save their planet. The thing is, their spaceship is a human-sized version of the captain. Cue Eddie playing both the Captain and the spaceship, and of course, cue utter hilarity as Eddie acts learning to walk, learning to speak and...other stuff.

The problem is, and it's a biggie people, the spaceship is supposed to be a sympathetic, unapproachable figure, and that's not really the kind of character dear old Eddie is good at playing. "In the day" he was the wise-cracking, charismatic one, not the moody, marshmallow-centered one. And Eddie is a bit of a one trick pony. The part, really, would have been handled better by someone like Will Ferrell or Steve Carrel who are both really good at playing that sympathetic, cold kind of character. Even John C Reilly, failing Ferrell.

The rest of the cast suffer from being pretty much underdeveloped. Gabrielle Union plays the third in command of the ship, who has a crush on the captain, and seems to be mildly bi-polar, being cold and efficient most of the time, but every so often bursting out into the Earth-affected character. Everyone else on the ship is a stereotype: the secretly gay security guard; the dorky engineer; the uptight second officer; the fat waste disposal guy...the list goes on. The real humans are not that much better off, although at least they get a little more dialogue to play with.

Meet Dave is actually a pretty neat concept, but it is just poorly executed. Even the special effects look...well, a little less than special. It would be cheaper to watch it on DVD and probably look just as good.

"C+"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Depths (Season 7)

As you know, of course, I have felt that since Warren Leight took over as show runner for Criminal Intent, the programme has dropped the ball somewhat, churning out what is moderately good entertainment, but essentially a sad attempt to marry the CSI format to the CI format and, of course, failing miserably because the two simply don't mesh in that way. CI relies on certain basic things that the writers seemed to have forgotten - showing us the crime from the criminal's point of view and using Goren as a specialist detective that can see things others can't.

And this week, the programme is back on form. Hip hip hooray!

Starting off with the curious murder of a man underwater (and sticking to the new house style of CI which means we get funky editing of the events over a funky hip track) that initially appears to be all about another terrorist plot, it soon turns into a rather bizarre attempt by a man to ensure that his son will be left with the fortune that is his legacy by not revealing one of his ancestors was a slave trader. It's a bit tricky and a bit complex, but it's actually a brilliant little story that gives us the opportunity to see the criminals do their bit, without giving away exactly who the murderer is; as well as give us the chance for Goren to investigate in his own unique fashion - in this case, doing extensive research at a library.

Characterwise, it is the regulars who shine. The guest cast all turn in more than satisfactory performances, though Kelli Giddish does a very good job as the manipulative blonde who uses her looks to get her way; but all are more than convincing when the ultimate villain of the piece tricks them all into framing each other for the original murder.
But, yes, it is the regulars who are stealing the show, as well they should. Vincent D'Onofrio gives us the Goren we remember: at the beginning of the episode he is instantly aware that the corpse can't be too old due to a scent he picked up, while at the end he gets to mentally trick the villain into giving himself away. Eames is back to being his straight man, but thank god she actually likes him again this episode, supporting everything he does and even covering for him when he pushes the socialite into the water. D'Onofrio is keen to show us that Goren still has little time for Captain Ross, and there appears to be tension between Ross and semi-regular ME Rodgers, which Goren significantly observes. One can only wonder if that particular plot thread is going to lead anywhere.

Ultimately, though, this is an incredible return to form for Criminal Intent, and an emminently watchable episode.

"A+"

Playboy: June

Events have overtaken me a little this month and that being the way, even as July comes to a close, let me finally get around to reviewing the girls of Playboy for June. A bit slack I know, but what can I do.

Starting off with the Playmate of the Month, Miss July - Laura Croft is a rather attractive young brunette who, despite tickling my fancy, brings to mind many of the Playmates of the last few years, fitting into a new kind of "brunette trad Playmate" mould. Although very attractive, she's not particularly unique in any way and as such one gets the feeling that Playboy is playing it safe with their playmates this year.

Amanda English is CyberGirl of the Month, which was probably a safe bet given her competition and the fact that Playboy never seems to let twins or triplets get that monthly slot. The only problem that Amanda has is she tends to looks very dour in her photoshoots which tends to destroy the fun that Playboy models project. However, that seems to be a problem with a lot of the CyberGirls, and probably comes from the fact that this section of the Playboy model-dom dispenses with the "girl next door" approach. Crystal Enloe leads the Cyberpack this month, followed by Lexi Lombardelli, Katie Anderson, Tasha Nicole and Bryleigh Rayne. Proper outfits have been tossed aside in the photoshoots this month, with Lombardelli, Anderson and Nicole all wearing lingerie, Rayne in a bikini and Enloe in...err, well it appears to be a wrap of some sort. Lombardelli and Rayne have both featured in various other Playboy photoshoots and so the bets are on that one of these two will take out CGOM in four months time, which is a bit disappointing because they are fairly obvious choices. Enloe has quite a unique look about her, not a perfect model, but certainly very interesting. Anderson is suprising by not being a waif and her curves make for a delightful photoshoot. However, my vote for CGOM is Tasha Nicole who is extremely exotic looking. Her pouting photo shoot and sudden smiles scream Playmate to me, so hopefully she'll get the chance. Oh, and just for the record, Lombardelli actually makes it out of Brazil this month - surprise, surprise.

Actually I should add that while the Cybergirls tend to have a high skank factor, this month none of them give off that vibe and most are quite close to the Playboy ideal, which is quite sweet.

Rachael Schultz is the Coed Of The Month, and as alluded to earlier, this is probably more because of her previous model appearances than actually being the best choice for the job. Although to be fair, she probably is, on reflection. Her photoshoots are a little surprising because Schultz appears to be quite nervous in them, her smiles being small and shaky, which is odd given her other modelling. The girls though, are Amanda King, Dariya Snejenko, McKenzie Taylor and Monica Chairez. King has modelled for Playboy before, and comes across less as a new-to-it-all coed and more an experienced model. It's a little surprising she's a Coed rather than a CyberGirl. Snejenko also comes across as an experienced model, and both she and King both seem a little too old to be Coeds. For me, the Coeds should be between 18 and 22, and when they appear to be older you find yourself questioning their university credentials. Amanda King is my favourite for the month, both in that she seems very fresh-faced and also that she is very attractive. Finally the latino Chairez finishes the group - attractive and exotic, but just shy of King for the best of the month.

June was a good month for the Playboy fold, but as mentioned earlier, Playboy seemed to be playing very safe with a collection of typical caucasian and latino girls.

"B"

Diamonds Are Forever

So obviously On Her Majesty's Secret Service wasn't what the producers wanted from the James Bond series (or possibly the audience) because Peter Hunt no longer appears anywhere in the credits and, thanks to a misunderstanding and some youthful arrogance, George Lazenby is no longer James Bond. Poor old John Gavin was cast as James Bond, but because somebody threw a large wad of cash at Sean Connery he decided to reprise the role and Gavin was bought out.

And that's pretty much the problem with Diamonds Are Forever - throw a lot of money at something and hope that it comes together perfectly. At the end of the day, it simply doesn't.

Casting is in fact central to many of the problems of Diamonds. Connery's return has him playing a character who, quite frankly, only physically resembles the James Bond of You Only Live Twice (and it's a rough physical similarity - Connery appearing to have aged considerably in the four years since he last played Bond). Outside of that, Connery couldn't look more bored if he tried, barely able to banter with Lois Maxwell's Miss Moneypenny, and showing absolutely no interest in injecting anything more than fifty percent of his own charisma.

With the return of Guy Hamilton as director, Diamonds is a little like Goldfinger on speed. Many of the touches Hamilton added to the Bond character are amped up in Diamonds. Bond has become so knowledgable on things that he is almost insufferable, and one can't help but understand completely the sudden hatred "M" seems to have developed for his top agent. Indeed, Bernard Lee portrays "M" as though he is physically restraining himself from punching Bond in his stupid, smug face.

But it's not just Connery who delivers a misjudged performance. Charles Gray, who appeared so brilliantly in his cameo role in You Only Live Twice, returns to portray Blofeld in what has got to be the single most bizarre casting of any James Bond movie ever. Gone is the malignance of Donald Plesance, or the cold calculation of Telly Savalas; instead we are presented with a hirsute Blofeld who minces his way around the screen, presenting not a single shred of menace. Blofeld's lowest ebb comes as he escapes from his casino in drag. The mind boggles at what Savalas would have said had he been asked to return.

However, if there is one highlight of the film, it is that there is some remarkably witty dialogue, and Blofeld gets all the best lines, allowing Gray at least the chance to have a few good moments in the film. Sadly, though, for all the clever lines such as "If we destroyed Kansas the world might not hear about it for years", he is still saddled with setting up the worst line of the film; as Bond kicks a white cat and kills a false Blofeld - "Right idea, Mr Bond" "Wrong pussy," replies Bond. Dear God.

Back to casting, and the leading lady is Jill St John as Tiffany Case. Having managed to stay relatively free of any particular sexism over the sixties films, Diamonds Are Forever throws all that away to give us the most useless Bond girl to date. From the moment we see Tiffany, she is wandering around in her underwear in front of Bond, changing wigs, and by the end of the film she is in a bikini, shooting a machine gun and falling off an oil rig from the recoil. Oh yes, you read that right. Tiffany apparently appears from the outset as a competent diamond smuggler, but then falls apart after her opening scene to become, at best, an opportunistic golddigger, and at worse...well, just useless.

And the casting pretty much goes downhill from there. Felix Leiter makes a return appearance, now portrayed by Norman Burton who has none of the style of Lord or Van Nutter, and not even the stereotypical "Fed-ness" of Linder. Leiter is now potrayed pretty much as a New York cop. The Howard Hughes wannabe, Willard Whyte, makes no impact at all, thanks to a wet performance by Jimmy Dean, and Lana Wood as Plenty O'Toole is just...there.

And of course, after having been presented with a group of wonderful henchmen, we are given Mr Wint and Mr Kidd a pair of homosexual assassins (bizarrely, the only part of Fleming's novel, aside from names, that seems to have remained intact) whose villainous foible is...errr, that they are gay. Yes, this movie manages to be racist, sexist and homophobic. The duo are actually quite creepy for most of the film, but when they are killed, it appears that Mr Wint enjoys have his testicles squeezed, and so has a smile when Bond pulls his coat between his legs and blows him to bits.

Which brings us to the next big fault in Diamonds, and that is, quite frankly, comedy that is simply nowhere near as funny as the makers obviously believed it to be. Bond's one liners cease to be funny and become absolutely stupid - for example, after putting a corpse stuffed with diamonds on a plane - ostensibly Bond's brother - the attendant offers him condolences and Bond witters back "we were inseparable". Minutes later a thug utters "I gotta brother" to show us how stupid he is. Neither of these are actually funny, but strangely they seem to be played for laughs. Bond's attempts to do a Dutch accent border on declaring war on Holland, while the completely incompetent sheriff is cringingly bad. Hopefully we won't get one of those again.

However, there is a brilliant comedy moment when a thug throws Plenty out the window of the twentieth or so story, and she lands in a pool. "Exceptionally fine shot," compliments Bond. "I didn't know there was a pool," the thug rejoins. A highlight in this dearth of humour.

From this point on there is pretty much nothing good to say about the film, so before I list the other issues I have, I will mention two other highlights. The first is Shirley Bassey's theme. The remastered version of this film has improved this song no end, and my disinterest in the song has completely changed. The second is the elevator fight which is exceptionally well handled and looks very vicious.

Now the bad stuff...perhaps a list?

* The dubbing on the pretitle sequence is absolutely atrocious. In addition to that, it appears that Connery himself is dubbed by a different actor up until he says "My name's Bond".

* Precisely why is Bond after Blofeld? Presumably it is because of what happened at the end of OHMSS, but that is never actually made clear.

* The joke about Connery's absence is just stupid.

* The editing of the movie on the whole is extremely bland, although I will give credit for the smuggling montage at the beginning of the movie which is very well put together.

* Tiffany Case not only recognises the name "James Bond" but also believes he is some sort of superhero who is almost impossible to kill!

* How does Shady Tree not know Wint and Kidd? The killers put Bond in the coffin, Shady took him out - they must have been in on it together.

* The whole smuggling ring is extremely complicated. Where does Tiffany fit into the hierarchy? She seems to know nothing and yet acts as a boss to "Franks". * There is an elephant playing a poker machine...

* What is the point of the moon buggy sequence? Seriously?

* This movie features someone saying "bastard" and has clearly visible nipples!

* In the big car chase, Bond drives his red mustang on two wheels through a small barrier to escape the police, but comes out on driving on the opposite side. The scene where they appear to change sides makes no sense as it would be impossible!

Oh, but the list is endless. There is one thing, though, that I would like to make note of, and that is the setting. After having such beautiful sights as the Bahamas in Thunderball, the Swiss alps in OHMSS, and even the beautiful countryside of Turkey in From Russia, With Love, in Diamonds we are given - the desert of Nevada. Las Vegas looks great at night, but frankly it's not exactly an exotic locale, and disapoints when compared to what we have been given in the past.

Diamonds Are Forever is a film that seriously disappoints, especially after having such a brilliant film in OHMSS. If this movie shows anything, it's that it is definitely time for Connery to move on. Hopefully, even though James Bond is returning in Live And Let Die, Connery won't be.

Favourite movie order:

1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service

2. Dr No

3. Thunderball

4. From Russia, With Love

5. Goldfinger

6. You Only Live Twice

7. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl:

1. Claudine Auger/Dominio

2. Diana Rigg/Tracy

3. Mie Hama/Kissy

4. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya

5. Ursula Andress/Honey

6. Honor Blackman/Pussy

7. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain:

1. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld

2. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger

3. Adolfo Celi/Largo

4. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No

5. Lotte Lenya/Klebb

6. Telly Savalas/Blofeld

7. Charles Gray/Blofeld

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Smile (Season 7)

After having spent some time last week bemoaning how the Goren/Eames episodes of Criminal Intent are no longer really "Criminal Intent"-y, we are given an episode that goes some way to restoring the balance, although in true SVU fashion the murder that they are investigating is really only the precusor to another story. Happily we are given a little bit of the story from the criminal's point of view, but sadly we are subjected to another pre-title sequence that boarders on the surreal.

If there's one thing the Law & Order producers should have learnt, it's that taking a detective pairing and making them dislike each other is not a great move. When Stabler and Benson started to find each other unbearable, fans and the general public alike were disgruntled. It's bad enough we have to have their emotional baggage making its way into the episodes, but that they should suddenly start to dislike each other is not only unentertaining but also illogical. Unfortunately we are starting to get vibes of that with Goren and Eames. When Goren notes that one of the victims has no tv, but a lot of books, Eames says nothing - back in the day she'd have quipped about how the two were so alike, or that Goren may have had a missing relative. Nowadays she just scowls moodily. At the end when the criminal - clearly attempting to recreate Nicole Wallace - informs Goren that she researched him and his partner, and that Goren's maverick attitude (not that there is much of that these days) is handicapping both Goren and Eames; Eames merely moodily replies that it's too late to do anything about his destruction of her career.

Fantastic. So much for the loyalty they seemed to have built up over the last seven years. Two years ago when Goren was confronted with the information that Eames had requested a new partner six months into their partnership, Eames was devastated that Goren found this out. Nowadays she just seems to flip him the bird and tell him to sod off.

The case itself is not terribly special, and not particularly grabbing - the story of a big pharmaceutical company attempting to save money by not giving a toss about the general public; has been told a few times before in various episodes of the various Law & Order series, and as is usual these days, Goren doesn't need to use any of the amazing techniques he used to use to solve crimes; he's just doing what all the detectives do.

It's a good episode, and it will keep you entertained. But I fear Criminal Intent has jumped the shark.

"B-"

Devil May Care

It's been one hundred years since Ian Fleming was born and about fifty-six since he brought his super spy James Bond into the world. To the majority of people these days, Bond is a smooth superspy who charms women and effortlessly defeats those intent on taking over the world. But in his early novel appearances, the villains were not quite so ambitious and Bond himself was more of a rough diamond, a veritable snob who hated everyone who wasn't English (and proper English at that) or displayed anti-social tendencies, such as homosexuality. He smoked heavily, drank heavily and used women a little like kleenex. In truth Bond was the person that Ian Fleming wanted to be; he did the things Fleming did but was a man of action, involved in the kinds of scams that Fleming would dream up but couldn't possibly hope to pull off.

Since Fleming's death, three authors have officially attempted to continue the legacy of James Bond - Kingsley Amis, John Gardner and Raymond Benson. Amis had the easiest job of the three; though his novel didn't read like one of Fleming's, it was close enough in style and chronology to not seem to far removed. Gardner, on the other hand, had the option of continuing the Bond novels as virtual historicals, or bring Bond up to date. In truth he probably made the right choice in changing the temporal setting, but this created something of a headache for Bond chroniclers - if this man can save Reagan and Thatcher at the age of 46, how could he, at the age of 37, fly BOAC and have fought in World War II. Fleming's novels had barely any continuity at the best of times, and now Gardner destroyed that completely. Benson merely wrote novels that were the movie Bond rather than the novel Bond Fleming created.

Sebastian Faulks, a man who was described to me as a chameleonic author, has decided to write in the style of Ian Fleming, which creates problems if you aren't prepared to go the whole hog. It isn't easy these days to write about a character who is such a dinosaur with outdated ideas, and so Faulks wisely has decided to set the book in the 60s. Pleasingly he has chosen to keep the uglier facets of Bond's personality, although whereas Faulks' Bond might have the opinion that Tehran was the geographical equivalent of anal warts, Fleming would have written this as though it were gospel truth. However, you can't fault Faulks for recreating the character that Fleming's marriage gave birth to.
The story, on the other hand, is indeed something that is Faulks' responsibility. It's not that the story isn't believable, or indeed that it is not Over-The-Top enough; Julius Gorner wishes to destroy England by turning the entire population into drug abusers. Fair enough. No, the problem is that it is very low-key. Fleming did have a number of outlandish elements in his novels, but Faulks seems to have abandoned these for a very subtle novel that occasionally finds it difficult to get the pulse racing. Many of Bond's battles - particularly the one on the plane towards the end - are very well played out, but it's the in-between stuff that is boring, in a way that Fleming's weren't.
Additionally, although it is nice to see a return of Rene Mathis and Felix Leiter, the fact is that neither of them actually do anything. Mathis spends most of the time trying to skive off work on fridays so he can shag his mistress, while it takes Leiter a phenomenally long time to discover the traiter and then he kills him. Which pretty much leads no where.

But my biggest gripe is the discover that the Bond girl is actually the new 00 agent. I have no problem with a woman being a 00 agent, and I have no problem with "M" sending another 00 agent in light of the fact he is concerned about Bond's effectiveness. No, the problem is that our agent falls head over heels for Bond. Neither of Bond's secretaries, nor Miss Moneypenny have ever been in that position, but the latest training for 004 consists of nothing about being a pathetic girly and falling for Bond. had she not been a 00 agent this would have sat better, but as it is...And rather bizarrely "M" seems to suggest to Bond at the end of the novel that he should get his groove thing on with 004 - so "M" has taken to setting up his agents.

It's so good to have a new Bond novel, and certainly one that is written with such care. There are faults, but generally you'd be missing out if you didn't get this one.

"A-"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Seeds (Season 7)

It's still a little difficult to get used to seeing Chris Noth head up Criminal Intent (although this is his third year so I should probably get over it) but to our surprise he has yet another new partner - this time Nola Folacci played by the criminally underrated Alicia Witt. Why she doesn't get more work is completely beyond me. Although why she is walking with a limp is also completely beyond me. I tried to find out if Witt has a limp but she doesn't appear to, so maybe it's just Folacci's character. Interesting...

As was the episode, although as is often the case with being a Law & Order fan I got vauge feelings of deja vu as the story lead to revealing that a doctor was impregnating his patients with his own semen. I think this has been done on the mother series guys...in fact, I think the episode was called "Seed"...

One of the great things about the Logan episodes is that they have gone back to seeing things more from the point of view of the criminal which was part of the appeal of CI in the old days, before big, bad Warren Leight took over as show runner and suddenly Goren developed more personal problems than Woody Allen. Logan doesn't seem quite so crippled by these things (mostly) and so the cases become more CI than Goren's. That said, however, one of the chief problems with the Logan episodes over the past years is trying to actually make them CI. CI was so uniquely about Goren's perculiar form of investigation that bringing in another detective to take the lead meant that there was some problems with keeping that CI feel - it would be a bit like having episodes of Monk investigated by another PI. The first year of Logan seemed to have just used Goren/Eames scripts with Logan effectively playing the Eames role and Barak being the quirky detective. The Logan/Barak partnership didn't really work, but the series was very CI. Last season we had Wheeler replace Barak and neither of them were really quirky, but the partnership was a lot better. Unfortunately the episodes turned into the Law side of Law & Order (Prime), but double the length. Ironic considering this episode.

Logan and Folacci have a good relationship (perhaps Logan just prefers redheads...or maybe it's Noth that does ho ho ho) and it's clear that there is an attempt to return to the CI feel by, as mentioned above, going back to featuring more from the criminal's point of view. This episode even had a pretitle sequence that wasn't crazily edited to a funky piece of music, which didn't flash to red.

However, as stated, it was a bit of retread of a previous L&O episode, but fortunately the motive for the killer was a bit different this time round. But come on writers...try being original.

"B+"

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit - Unorthodox (Season 9)

SVU churns out another episode that is curious mix of good and bad - good in that provides us with some interesting material to think about; bad because it once again seems to have a couple of stories that clearly don't make a whole episode, so let's join them together no matter how clumsy it may seem.

The first half of the story seems to concentrate a little on the whole hardcore Jewish lifestyle which is interesting, but not quite enough to talk about at great length, although in what seems to be something of a theme in this season, Stabler again is a little free and easy with how he views people and once again gets it wrong giving something of a poor "too little too late" apology for calling a rabbi a child molester. Given that Stabler drives this episode, it does build on something I like about Law & Order and that's that the detectives are humans with human failings.

So we get to the part of the episode that is worthy talking about and having just had a daughter (as in literally the last forty-eight hours) it is truly worthwhile thinking about.

The thrust of the defendant's defense is that he is not guilty by mental defect, and with insanity being defined as being unable to tell what is wrong (or something along those lines in law) a fourteen year old boy who brutally raped three girls and a boy was insane because he watched so much television that made it out to be normal, he thought it was so. Now the major problem I have with this is the age. At fourteen I think the exposure has been quite excessive, but it is enough to know the fundamental difference between rape and consenual sex. The boy claims that it is normal when girls say no to having sex but I think that most fourteen year olds can watch a sex scene and tell the difference between it being consenual and it being rape. At least most fourteen year olds I spoke to as a teacher (not, I might add, that we sat down and chatted about rape, but television programmes like Special Victims Unit, ironically, was often watched and they had no problem understanding what was going on). However, a younger child I can completely appreciate might not grasp the concept.

What's interesting is that one of the psychologists suggests that it is normal for kids to watch three hours of television and three hours of internet (with a lot of them seeking out porn), which I can accept, but surely that doesn't create a predisposition for rape? After all not all kids do it. Novak's case was quite correct - the boy didn't rape because he thought that it was the thing to do, he did it because he wanted to. So let's be serious about this though - while it is easy to bandy about the phrase "the parents are to blame" there is a fair bit of truth in that.

See let's not play games here. How does a kid get to spend three hours on the internet? How do they get a computer in their room? Sorry, but fourteen year olds can't afford a personal computer. If they've got one, it was given to them by their parents. If it's connected to the Internet, it's the parents that do it. I would smack any parent who said "I can't stop them from accessing the net"...Yes you can, my friend. Unplug the cord. It's that simple.

Stabler claims it is hard to hide kids from sex, and there is truth in that because everything he says has happened. If you go to a bookstore and Jenna Jameson is signing books and your kids are curious...hard to explain why the dirty man in the grubby raincoat has lined up. Yup, it is very hard to hide kids from sex these days. But actions can be taken, and if they aren't and your kid then goes and rapes someone, time to step up and take responsibility for that.

The episode was trying to make an interesting point, but at the end of the day the devopment was a little flawed and not well thought out.

"B"

Breeders

Oh. My. God.

This movie is shit HOUSE.

I'd like to say there is something redeeming about it, but the fact of the matter is there isn't. Clearly someone in the eighties thought:

"Horror movies are doing really well. All you really need is a monster, a few girls running around nude and some gory parts and you've got a winner. Now, what do I have...well, I have one hundred and forty dollars which is enough to get me a camera to film the movie. I could paint that halloween costume black and that would be the monster's costume. And, I think I have a few ex girlfriends who will get their kit off for me. None of them can act, but that doesn't matter. I have a couple of other friends from the local amateur theatre and they could be the investigators. Err, I wonder if the fact that they only make the tea and biscuits could cause a problem? Nah, she'll be right. And a little twist at the end, just like Friday The 13th and Halloween...no problem."

Yeah. Worked well didn't it. Or more accurately it didn't.

This is so bad there's nothing more I can say about it.

"E"

Doctor Who - Journey's End (Series IV)

There are times when I think I've become a cynical old bastard, but there are times when I realise (due to my great delight I can assure you) that I still retain the child within me and it is there bubbling to get out and be impressed and delighted by the world around me.

Tonight's episode of Doctor Who was the most sentimental, most cloyingly upbeat happy piece of television broadcast in a long time - and I loved every single moment of it. Oh yes, I went teary-eyed when the goodbyes were said; I applauded when K-9 appeared; I cheered when the Doctor survived the regeneration. Because every so often - in a world which is usually so depressing - you just need to watch something that is unashamedly positive.

If you were a fan of the classic series of Doctor Who, you might remember The Five Doctors in which four Doctors (I know, I know), a bunch of companions and a tonne of monsters all turned up in the same story to celebrate the 20th anniversary of Doctor Who. Tonight's episode was essentially that same concept. I've just read the review of this episode by a chap called Lawrence Miles -

http://beasthouse-lm2.blogspot.com/ - and here's the thing...he's kinda missing the point of the episode, and pretty much Doctor Who in general. RTD has specifically stated that as far as he is concerned, Doctor Who is a positive programme about the human race. Yes, the Doctor is the hero, but his companions are what show us at our best. It's a bit of a nice feel.

I was almost worried that RTD was going to pull another "Last Of The Time Lords" style endings on us when Sarah Jane revealed she had this amazing pendant which could destroy the world, or some such, but happily it was just a throwaway thing to highlight what the Doctor does to his companions, something which Davros (not unlike Mr Miles) missed the point of; he does inspire his companions fight, but he inspires them to fight the good fight. Martha, Jack, Mickey, Jackie (awww...how great was it to see those guys again?) and Sarah were all fighting to save the Earth and the universe. They were even prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice to save others. That is what Doctor Who is about - it's about doing the right thing no matter how hard it is, and it's fighting for what is right because there is nothing wrong with being beaten if you tried. The Doctor is never ashamed of his companions, and the reason for that? Because they prove that there is so much more to being a human. And for all those Donna haters out there, she is the best example of all of that. Unlike Rose and Martha, Donna was very unimportant and very average. But she proved that even the average can be something more than just that. She just needed someone to believe in her - the Doctor - and that made her the companion that she became; the woman who fought for what she believed in and fought for what was right.

So onto individual things to pick out - and let's start with Davros. Julian Bleach really made Davros his own in these two episodes. The character has the ranting of the Davros we saw in later years, coupled with the cold calculation of the original version. When, at the end, his ship was falling apart around him, I have to admit I felt a bit sorry for him. But after too much "dodgy Doctor morality", the Doctor tried to save him and once again restored my faith in the tenth Doctor.

So I should probably take the chance to praise Tennant for his performance. We've had three years with him as the Doctor, and although I wasn't keen on him in the first of those, he has certainly made the part his own in the last two. Tennant's eyes show much of the Doctor, and if any description fits the tenth better it is "lonely god". He is old and alone and I so wanted him to have Rose by his side, but as she has her own Doctor (a curious synthesis of the ninth's attitude in the tenth's body) the poor old Doc is left alone again.

All the old companions got ample screen time and also some wonderful scenes both with the Doctor and with another companion - the primary four additions to the titles getting the best scenes and earning their place in the grand opening, but it was really Catherine Tate that lorded it over all four of them. This was truly her episode and her performance thoughout was moving and clever and ultimately very, very sad. I really, really didn't want to see Donna go and the pain she felt at having to leave the life that she so desperate craved was heart wrenching. Add to that yet another amazing performance by Bernard Cribbins at the end of the episode and the fact that we are losing the Noble family is quite sad.

This episode feels like the end of an era, and part of me thinks (as much as I didn't particularly want this to happen) that this should have been the end of the Tennant's time as the Doctor. The episode was hugely ambitious and very, very powerful. Yes you could pick at it if you wanted to, but you can find fault with the Mona Lisa if you are so inclined (and I'm not comparing this episode to that painting, just making a point). Watch it for what it is; care about the characters involved. You'll enjoy it.

"A+"

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit - Signature (Season 9)

Apparently this episode was "too controversial" to show at the normal timeslot for SVU. I had thought it might have something to do with the fact that they had finished showing Medium and were now showing Criminal Intent and so pushed SVU back. But I'm wrong because next week's episode is also too controversial. Imagine that; two too controversial episodes consecutively. Shocking.

This week's episode was really good, though. Despite the fact that three of the detective were missing, it did mean that Mariska Hargitay and Adam Beach got a chance to carry the episode, while B D Wong actually appeared in the episode (although as usual all he did was speak into a dictophone and bitch about other people). Erika Christensen was the most special guest actress for the episode playing a FBI agent who is seeking a serial killer.

Normally I give the top marks to SVU episodes when they actually make you think, but this episode didn't really do that. What sold it for me was the fact that there were a number of twists that I didn't actually see coming. The discovery that the serial killer was actually one of the murder victims discovered in the first few moments was quite, quite clever, but what was handled even better was the discovery that the person who alerted them to the victims was none other than Christensen's character. The discovery was well directed and in spite of Christensen's somewhat subdued performance, she does bring the character alive at the end. After a fashion.

What is perhaps the most interesting thing about this episode, particularly as Channel Ten's broadcast has been out of sync, is that we've seen Casey Novak lose her job because she chose to bypass the criminal justice system to bring someone down. Ironically in this episode we see Casey chastise Benson because Christensen's character did exactly that - and indeed at the end Christensen's character even goes so far as to say that one shouldn't become a monster in order to fight monsters. Ahh...hypocrisy thy name is Casey Novak.

"A"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Amends (Season 7)

It's taken a while but happily Criminal Intent has returned to the airwaves of Australia with a new season. Clearly in between time Vincent D'Onofrio has been eating all the pies because it looks as though it's been necessary to widen the door spaces for him to enter the sets. Greyer and fatter, poor old Goren looks in the worst shape he's looked in for the past seven years.

Over the past few years Criminal Intent has become the least popular of the Law & Order franchise and with Warren Leight taking over from Rene Balcer as the showrunner, the series has had some serious changes (and I'm not just talking about the introduction of a second team of detectives). Criminal Intent has gone away from showing crimes from the perspective of the criminals (hence the intent, or mens rea) and now spends a little more time on the lives of the detectives involved. I have to admit I'm not a fan, particularly when the crimes the detectives are investigating suddenly start to involve their family members.

Regardless of this, the first episode of the new season kicks off with a little case that just happens to be about the murder of the detective who was the last partner of Eames' late husband. To the surprise of virtuarlly nobody the case ends up being about the murder of Eames' late husband.

Vincent D'Onofrio still looks a little distracted as Goren these days and lot of the bizarreness of Goren seems to have seeped away. The curious head mannerisms have been replaced by just general crazy behaviour (watch him he describes himself as the "whack job"), but happily there are a few moments when the real Goren surfaces. This comes to the fore particularly when they look into the murder of Eames' husband.

Kathryn Erbe on the other hand never seems to look out of place as Eames and while the downsides to having to sit through the detectives emotional baggage has already been described, on the plus side it does give the actors the chance to show something more than just a dry, laconic wit. Eames gets the chance to show how much the murder of her husband affected her over the past few years, and so for that it's almost worth it.

I still can't say that I have particularly warmed to Captain Ross (and precisely why is the Chief of Detectives in Criminal Intent a different man to the one in Special Victims Unit?) and he clearly hasn't warmed to Goren. There is a nice moment when Eames effectively suggests that Goren is virtually autistic and unable to cope with change very well.

Next week is Logan and his partner, and I'm frankly hoping that with this episode we've left behind the emotional angst and can move on to just solving crime.

"B+"

Hancock

So perhaps it's not so surprising that dear old Will Smith has jumped on the bandwagon in regards to superhero movies. It's the kind of thing he does, bandwagon jumping, and when I went to the movies today I noticed posters for Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Dark Knight and, of course, Hancock. Not so much a bandwagon as a full blown band-train. There are worse things you could be jumping onto.

The movie is slightly odd though in that it feels a little as though someone had a couple of ideas, neither one of which filled out a movie and so they were joined together. Now let me stress here, though, the two ideas do indeed go together it's just that, apparently, the thrust of the movie is that Hancock is desperate to find out who he is and why he's alone. However, none of that comes across in the first half of the movie, which is actually about a hero who is a loser and fights to better himself.

Two ideas, ya see, and despite the fact they do go together, they are presented as relatively independent.

Will has been stretching his acting for quite some time, trying to prove he's more than just a quick talking black actor, and he's usually pretty bang on the money with his choices because of late his acting has been outstanding and more than just a little melancholic, what with The Pursuit of Happyness and I Am Legend. Hancock is a down and out, alcoholic, very melancholic character. When the movie opens though you have difficulty in understanding why the general populace is pretty sick of a guy who, in order to fight crime, causes nine million dollars worth of damage. The decision to put someone like that in jail is not at all unbelievable, but its quite interesting to see when he's in there that he's there entirely by choice because there is nothing the law can do to actually hold him.

Jason Bateman plays the guy who believes in Hancock, while Charlize Theron plays his wife. Bateman is fantastic, but Theron is outstanding. She is absolutely gorgeous and brings a great deal of elegance to the parts she plays. Generally I have to say that Theron is criminally underused in Hollywood. The twist at the end gives Theron a little more chance to have fun with her character and bring a lot more depth to her, making you go back over the movie and think about her earlier scenes. It's good stuff.

With superhero movies being so prevelent these days, and the desire, particularly from Marvel, but even from DC to a certain degree with the new Batman series, to make those movies so real, Hancock is perhaps the realest of the lot. It's a good movie and a great concept but perhaps its time to remember that these movies are grounded in fantasy to a degree and Hancock, as great as it is, is the end of the scale that we should start to move back from.

"A"

NCIS: In The Zone (Season 5)

So clearly something is going with NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance who has turned up for the second episode in a row, looking mean and bossing Gibbs around. Is there change in the air? If I'm honest, though, I've never really been comfortable with Lauren Holly's Director Shepard (who isn't in tonight's episode) although maybe I'm just suffering from Alan Dale withdrawl...

One of the problems with the new series of NCIS being broadcast on Ten is that they are broadcasting episodes from season two straight after them, which means that I am constantly comparing the way NCIS is now to the way it was "back in the day". Tonight was particularly painful as "In The Zone" was followed immediately by "Doppelganger". In The Zone is an episode about...well about a petty officer who was in a complicated land deal with someone who then got one of the other POs to arrange to have first PO killed. Doppelganger is about computer fraud, but more importantly than that it is the infamous episode where the team discover that there is another team who are essentially their doppelgangers. The first one is a little po-faced and severe, the second, hilarious and thoughtful. The first one has Ziva, the second has Kate.

Oh, how I miss Kate.

And that worries me slightly. I love NCIS, but I find that already I'm "looking back" at the good old days. I saw already, and I mean really only in season five. This wasn't a problem that I had in the previous two seasons, even though I was still missing Kate, the fact is I didn't find it so much of a hurdle to overcome. Now I feel NCIS is just retreading the same old ground and not actually achieving anything new. Certainly it was interesting to see Tony go out into Baghdad to do his investigation, but when the episode essentially focuses on the character of Intel Analyst Nikki when they have seven good leads that they can play with...

You're a great actor Mark Harmon, but sadly it seems that the show without Donald P Bellisario's guidance has not been as brilliant as it once was. It looks as though it might be time for something to severly shake the team up, and maybe it might be time to say goodbye to Ziva.

"B"

Kung Fu Panda

With Pixar pretty much dominating the CG animated movie scene (and even though I am a huge Pixar fan) it's nice to see that the other CG animation houses aren't giving up. Dreamworks seemed to be riding just a little too high on the Shrek wave, so it's nice to see that their new movie isn't about the great green giant, but sadly it is still about a group of animals - imagination is what makes Pixar the head CG animation house, guys. That said, Kung Fu Panda isn't crap.

One of the nicer things about animated movie is that they are one of the few moveis that can manage to bring in a large cast of big name actors - joining Jack Black in this one are Angelina Jolie, Jackie Chan, Dustin Hoffman, Lucy Liu and Seth Rogen, along with Ian McShane who, although not a huge name, appears to have replaced Brian Cox as the English actor who is being cast in every movie these days, particularly if they are family movies. However, big names are all very well, but in animated movies the best actors are those with the most distinctive voices and as such Jack Black shines with his exceptionally distinctive voice, alongside McShane whose voice just reeks of evil. Sadly, the majority of the rest of the cast don't really stand out at all. Don't get me wrong, they are all accepatable in their roles, but they really pack a punch. That said, Hoffman's comic timing is exceptional.

The animation in the movie is, as usual, excellent, but let's face it, these days if the animation isn't above the norm the audience just wouldn't tolerate it. What actually becomes the question is how far can you styalise the characters before they become something that the audience finds ridiculous. Fortunately that doesn't become a problem in the movie.

The movie itself is well written and quite funny, but it's a traditional sort of "misfit finds his true calling" kind of movie with the misfit in question having a master who believes in him and a rival who doesn't, but ultimately accepts she is wrong when the misfit beats the big bad villain.

Bearing in mind that the true audience for this movie is, if not children then definitely family and as such there is really nothing wrong with this movie. You could do worse than taking your kids to go see it.

"B+"

Get Smart

One of the problems with doing a movie based on source material that is video rather than literary, is that the original material is better defined in the video regard - obviously. People's expectations are a little more set in stone and when attempting to bring the material into a new decade, particularly one that's over forty years apart (well from the original anyway), you have the joint task of pleasing hard core fans and appealing to a new audience. And, more importantly than that, trying to make it relevent to the present day. By that very definition it's almost impossible to make a completely faithful film adaptation of Get Smart.

When watching this movie I got the exact same vibes I was getting from The Pink Panther remake, but perhaps because I wasn't a hardcore Get Smart fan (as opposed to being quite a fan of The Pink Panther) I wasn't as bothered about it. Similarities between the two show the characters as more competent than their original counterparts, ultimately saving the day not because they stumbled on the solution, but because they actually were capable enough to work it out; the movies act as origin stories for the characters - neither of which had an origin in their original run; and both see the lead characters disgraced in the eyes of their bosses before getting help from a person in the organisation to save the day. But I realise now that Get Smart, like The Pink Panther, actually does have its heart in the right place.

Max Smart is more a Steve Carell character than a Don Adams character in this movie, though the traditional Adams traits still remain - Smart is still pompous, useless with gadgets and incapable of believing he is wrong; and the old jokes such as "missed it by that much" and "would you believe..." are both present. Rather nicely Smart ends up in the car that the Adams Smart used to drive in the television series, in a neat setup for a clever joke. Steve Carell, aside from having a passing resemblance to Don Adams, brings Smart to life very well, not mimicing Adams, but certainly maintaining the spirit of the original.

In much the same way, Anne Hathaway (easily the most gorgeous woman in Hollywood) does the same for 99 - although in the scene where 99 wears a short, silver dress with a bob wig, her resemblance to Barbara Feldon is uncanny. However, the origin of her character is vastly different to the original - now a brilliant field agent who can't keep her hands off her fellow agents it would seem.

Other characters are still portrayed excellently - Siegfried, Larabee, Shtarker, and of course the Chief, brought superbly back to life by the usually underrated Alan Arkin. Additionally, other Get Smart characters also have cameo appearances - Fang the dog, Agent 13 and Hymie (cast brilliantly as Patrick Warburton) - which help to remind us of the original television series.

But, of course, updating to present day means we have a rather large host of new characters including Agent 23 (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - though he doesn't call himself The Rock anymore it seems), Max's good friend and 99's former boyfriend; and Bruce and Lloyd, two scientists in CONTROL who help Smart out where possible and also develop Hymie.

One of the things that stood out for me personally was the amount of references to the James Bond movies, somewhat appropriate given that the original television series was a spoof of the aforementioned movies.

Get Smart is the kind of movie that will make you laugh a lot, but if you are one of those people who know exactly what the original series was like and you expect a remake of that you will be disappointed - but truth to tell, if you did get what you wanted, without that heavy dose of nostalgia, you'll would be just as disappointed.

"B"

Prom Night II

One of the many things that the Friday the 13th series was responsible for is the trend in the 80s to resurrect 70s horror movies and turn them into slasher series. Things such as Halloween and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, both dying after sequels in the 70s, were brought back to life in the 80s as fairly straightforward slasher films, and, of course, they weren't the only ones. Someone, somewhere, thought that Prom Night was a movie that was apparently screaming for a sequel and so in 1987 we got one - albeit one that actually doesn't have any relation to the original at all. In fact, the only thing that ties the two movies together, aside from the title, is that someone gets killed and years later a killer tries to get revenge based on that death. In this case, however, the killer was the person who was killed - a slight twist.

In truth, this movie owes more to "A Nightmare On Elm Street" and "Carrie" than to the original "Prom Night". The opening sequence is very similar to Carrie, with a girl surrounded by fire on her prom; while various other sequences in the movie - most notably when the heroine is sucked into the blackboard - are very reminsicient of the killer dream sequences of A Nightmare On Elm Street, while the ending couldn't mimic ANOES more so if it tried.

Sadly, aside from those entertaining aspects, the movie generally is pretty poor. Acting-wise, no one really makes an attempt and even Michael Ironside seems to be a little bored by his part. It's sometimes easy to forget nudity was a mainstay of horror movies in the eighties, and so when the leading lady gives some full frontal nudity during a locker room sequence, it seems a little surprising. Sadly, nudity doesn't save her performance which is pretty much crap. It's difficult to feel any sympathy for her and when she disappears about two thirds into the movie, surprisingly you don't tend to notice.

The film is great in a "crap but entertaining" way, but it's nothing special and is actually not as good as the original, despite the more fantastical elements introduced, which I'm more of a fan of.

"C"