So obviously On Her Majesty's Secret Service wasn't what the producers wanted from the James Bond series (or possibly the audience) because Peter Hunt no longer appears anywhere in the credits and, thanks to a misunderstanding and some youthful arrogance, George Lazenby is no longer James Bond. Poor old John Gavin was cast as James Bond, but because somebody threw a large wad of cash at Sean Connery he decided to reprise the role and Gavin was bought out.
And that's pretty much the problem with Diamonds Are Forever - throw a lot of money at something and hope that it comes together perfectly. At the end of the day, it simply doesn't.
Casting is in fact central to many of the problems of Diamonds. Connery's return has him playing a character who, quite frankly, only physically resembles the James Bond of You Only Live Twice (and it's a rough physical similarity - Connery appearing to have aged considerably in the four years since he last played Bond). Outside of that, Connery couldn't look more bored if he tried, barely able to banter with Lois Maxwell's Miss Moneypenny, and showing absolutely no interest in injecting anything more than fifty percent of his own charisma.
With the return of Guy Hamilton as director, Diamonds is a little like Goldfinger on speed. Many of the touches Hamilton added to the Bond character are amped up in Diamonds. Bond has become so knowledgable on things that he is almost insufferable, and one can't help but understand completely the sudden hatred "M" seems to have developed for his top agent. Indeed, Bernard Lee portrays "M" as though he is physically restraining himself from punching Bond in his stupid, smug face.
But it's not just Connery who delivers a misjudged performance. Charles Gray, who appeared so brilliantly in his cameo role in You Only Live Twice, returns to portray Blofeld in what has got to be the single most bizarre casting of any James Bond movie ever. Gone is the malignance of Donald Plesance, or the cold calculation of Telly Savalas; instead we are presented with a hirsute Blofeld who minces his way around the screen, presenting not a single shred of menace. Blofeld's lowest ebb comes as he escapes from his casino in drag. The mind boggles at what Savalas would have said had he been asked to return.
However, if there is one highlight of the film, it is that there is some remarkably witty dialogue, and Blofeld gets all the best lines, allowing Gray at least the chance to have a few good moments in the film. Sadly, though, for all the clever lines such as "If we destroyed Kansas the world might not hear about it for years", he is still saddled with setting up the worst line of the film; as Bond kicks a white cat and kills a false Blofeld - "Right idea, Mr Bond" "Wrong pussy," replies Bond. Dear God.
Back to casting, and the leading lady is Jill St John as Tiffany Case. Having managed to stay relatively free of any particular sexism over the sixties films, Diamonds Are Forever throws all that away to give us the most useless Bond girl to date. From the moment we see Tiffany, she is wandering around in her underwear in front of Bond, changing wigs, and by the end of the film she is in a bikini, shooting a machine gun and falling off an oil rig from the recoil. Oh yes, you read that right. Tiffany apparently appears from the outset as a competent diamond smuggler, but then falls apart after her opening scene to become, at best, an opportunistic golddigger, and at worse...well, just useless.
And the casting pretty much goes downhill from there. Felix Leiter makes a return appearance, now portrayed by Norman Burton who has none of the style of Lord or Van Nutter, and not even the stereotypical "Fed-ness" of Linder. Leiter is now potrayed pretty much as a New York cop. The Howard Hughes wannabe, Willard Whyte, makes no impact at all, thanks to a wet performance by Jimmy Dean, and Lana Wood as Plenty O'Toole is just...there.
And of course, after having been presented with a group of wonderful henchmen, we are given Mr Wint and Mr Kidd a pair of homosexual assassins (bizarrely, the only part of Fleming's novel, aside from names, that seems to have remained intact) whose villainous foible is...errr, that they are gay. Yes, this movie manages to be racist, sexist and homophobic. The duo are actually quite creepy for most of the film, but when they are killed, it appears that Mr Wint enjoys have his testicles squeezed, and so has a smile when Bond pulls his coat between his legs and blows him to bits.
Which brings us to the next big fault in Diamonds, and that is, quite frankly, comedy that is simply nowhere near as funny as the makers obviously believed it to be. Bond's one liners cease to be funny and become absolutely stupid - for example, after putting a corpse stuffed with diamonds on a plane - ostensibly Bond's brother - the attendant offers him condolences and Bond witters back "we were inseparable". Minutes later a thug utters "I gotta brother" to show us how stupid he is. Neither of these are actually funny, but strangely they seem to be played for laughs. Bond's attempts to do a Dutch accent border on declaring war on Holland, while the completely incompetent sheriff is cringingly bad. Hopefully we won't get one of those again.
However, there is a brilliant comedy moment when a thug throws Plenty out the window of the twentieth or so story, and she lands in a pool. "Exceptionally fine shot," compliments Bond. "I didn't know there was a pool," the thug rejoins. A highlight in this dearth of humour.
From this point on there is pretty much nothing good to say about the film, so before I list the other issues I have, I will mention two other highlights. The first is Shirley Bassey's theme. The remastered version of this film has improved this song no end, and my disinterest in the song has completely changed. The second is the elevator fight which is exceptionally well handled and looks very vicious.
Now the bad stuff...perhaps a list?
* The dubbing on the pretitle sequence is absolutely atrocious. In addition to that, it appears that Connery himself is dubbed by a different actor up until he says "My name's Bond".
* Precisely why is Bond after Blofeld? Presumably it is because of what happened at the end of OHMSS, but that is never actually made clear.
* The joke about Connery's absence is just stupid.
* The editing of the movie on the whole is extremely bland, although I will give credit for the smuggling montage at the beginning of the movie which is very well put together.
* Tiffany Case not only recognises the name "James Bond" but also believes he is some sort of superhero who is almost impossible to kill!
* How does Shady Tree not know Wint and Kidd? The killers put Bond in the coffin, Shady took him out - they must have been in on it together.
* The whole smuggling ring is extremely complicated. Where does Tiffany fit into the hierarchy? She seems to know nothing and yet acts as a boss to "Franks". * There is an elephant playing a poker machine...
* What is the point of the moon buggy sequence? Seriously?
* This movie features someone saying "bastard" and has clearly visible nipples!
* In the big car chase, Bond drives his red mustang on two wheels through a small barrier to escape the police, but comes out on driving on the opposite side. The scene where they appear to change sides makes no sense as it would be impossible!
Oh, but the list is endless. There is one thing, though, that I would like to make note of, and that is the setting. After having such beautiful sights as the Bahamas in Thunderball, the Swiss alps in OHMSS, and even the beautiful countryside of Turkey in From Russia, With Love, in Diamonds we are given - the desert of Nevada. Las Vegas looks great at night, but frankly it's not exactly an exotic locale, and disapoints when compared to what we have been given in the past.
Diamonds Are Forever is a film that seriously disappoints, especially after having such a brilliant film in OHMSS. If this movie shows anything, it's that it is definitely time for Connery to move on. Hopefully, even though James Bond is returning in Live And Let Die, Connery won't be.
Favourite movie order:
1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
2. Dr No
3. Thunderball
4. From Russia, With Love
5. Goldfinger
6. You Only Live Twice
7. Diamonds Are Forever
Favourite Bond girl:
1. Claudine Auger/Dominio
2. Diana Rigg/Tracy
3. Mie Hama/Kissy
4. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya
5. Ursula Andress/Honey
6. Honor Blackman/Pussy
7. Jill St John/Tiffany
Favourite Bond villain:
1. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld
2. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger
3. Adolfo Celi/Largo
4. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No
5. Lotte Lenya/Klebb
6. Telly Savalas/Blofeld
7. Charles Gray/Blofeld
No comments:
Post a Comment