Grindhouse

There was a time that you probably don't remember (OK, so I pretty much don't remember it either, but that's neither here nor there) when you had what was called a "double feature". No, not a bloody movie marathon, this was just two movies. A "double feature". We had them mostly at drive-in cinemas (Now I do remember watching something like that as a child, although I think the second movie was a bit more adult, so I had to sleep through it, although my sister and I discovered you watch the movie in the reflection of the rear window. We were cunning chappies...).

Anyway, in America, the double feature would invariably be two "B" movies, back to back, and this became known as "Grindhouse". A few years back, Robert Rodriquez and Quentin Tarantino decided to revive it, and they made two movies - Death Proof and Planet Terror - that were going to be shown Grindhouse style.

Well in America they were. Everywhere else they were going to be single releases. If they could be bothered. In Australia, apparently, we got one of them, despite being promised the Grindhouse. In defiance of this I chose not to see it at the cinemas. So I bought the two DVDs and decided to have my own Grindhouse.

And, lo...it was good.

Let's kick off with the first movie, Death Proof. This is essentially about a group of girls who get stalked by a mad stuntman in a car which is deathproof. The mad stalker is Kurt Russell, and after he deals with the girls he goes after a second group which doesn't quite go as he planned. Let me start off by saying this is a pretty good movie, but there are some things that are slightly odd about the whole situation. Firstly, the film is wonderfully scratched and faded as though it were made in the 70s UNTIL halfway though - then it becomes black and white, but clean. Then it becomes colour. To be honest, it's pretty disappointing that they didn't just have it colour and scratched all the way through, because the effect is so marvelous it's not funny. The other thing that is a little confusing is the fact that everyone is dressed in a 70s style and they all drive 70s vehicles, but its not until someone brings out a mobile phone you realise it is actually set in the modern times. This is really annoying because initially you just think that they are just annoying inconsistencies. With the Tarantino dialogue resulting in quite long scenes, the whole effect just screams 1970s - and then you see a magazine with CSI on the front cover. Confusing. However, those are pretty much aesthetic problems (although given so much is made of the whole Grindhouse aim, it's quite important). Plotwise the movie is great, with a quite surprising and immensely satisfying ending. However...after the first half of the film, the movie loses momentum as it seems to just replay the first half with a different cast. It's probably worth recognising that this is the extended release and not the actual "grindhouse" version, and that might have made a significant difference. Overall the movie is fantastic, and it's too much fun revelling in the 70s feel in the first half.
Between the two movies (and tacked onto the beginning of Planet Terror) is a preview for a movie called Machete which just looks so appalling it's great. I hear that Rodriguez has decided to actually make the movie rather than just leave it as a preview spoof. Bring it on :)

Planet Terror is actually my favourite of the two movies. Unlike Death Proof there is no time where the movie ever loses momentum - in fact, rather entertainingly, at one point in the movie we get a "Reel Missing" slide and the movie skips over details which is extremely clever. Also, unlike Death Proof, the 70s fading and scratching lasts the entire movie meaning consistency never seems to be lost. This movie is most definitely made to be "so bad it's good" and as such when Rose McGowan gets a machine gun tacked onto her recently amputated leg, all you can do is laugh at how absurd the situation is. The movie is also astonishingly gory, with melting heads, the grossest pustules on a tongue (which are then popped!), limbs severed and people getting eaten alive. Oh yes, didn't I mention that this was a zombie flick? Oh, but it is...

At the end of the day, I would have killed to see this on the big screen. The movies are both fantastic in their own rights and the throwback to the 70s is really nostalgic, even for someone who doesn't actually remember the seventies, not being in it for most of the time.

"A-"

Captain's Log

Let me get this out of the way from the outset. I don't like Star Trek. If ever there was a television programme that was determined to smack the entire world in the face with the American flag, this one's it. Look out universe, if you're in trouble here comes Earth...it's flagship bearing the suggestive initials USS. Does anyone, aside from those pointy-ear-sporting, Starfleet-uniform-wearing Trekkers actually know what USS means? No. Of course not.
And as for the supposed mixing of races and sexes, I mean come on! The original series was manned by a group of white men. One black woman sat at the back of the bridge with a wine cork in her ear, and the helmsman was Asian. Neither of them spent a lot of time doing anything other than saying yes to William Shatner. The Next Generation was no better - of it's three female leads, one was killed off before the end of the first season and the other two rarely left the ship. The black guy was blind!!! And don't even get me started on Voyager and Enterprise...
And yet...for reasons I can't quite put my finger on (but I'm willing to bet have something to do with the impending new Star Trek film which (and let's be fair here) looks pretty bloody cool) I had a sudden urge to watch some Trek. A few years ago I had the same urge and purchased those magazines with the free Star Trek DVDs (you know the ones...first issue costs 37 cents, from then on they are $138.76). I got to watch the first two seasons of TNG, and by god was it shit.
Then I stumbled on the "Captain's Log" DVD boxed set - three stories from the five series. Well, I thought, I'll buy that and watch it. Now, on each disc was an interview with the captain of the particular series the disc was of. I'm going to review that all together before I attack each episode, and don't worry - even I'm not tough enough to review an entire television series on three episodes. Although given that these are the fan picks and the lead actor's pick, maybe it's not entirely unfair.
So we kick off with mad Bill babbling something about changing time and could we? Should we? Then he proceeds to lust over Joan Collins, which is a little embarrassing. Patrick Stewart brings some gravitas to proceedings before admitting he made his choice of episode because he directed it. Thanks for the effort, Pat. Avery Brooks is relatively entertaining aside from his "black men unite and rise up" (I'm assuming there must be still a huge amount of racism in America), while Kate Mulgrew is desperately trying to be a female Bill Shatner, mumbling about men within men within men. Finally Scott Bakula essentially tries to justify Enterprise (try apologising for it!). What struck me about this is how po-faced the actors are about Star Trek. I'm a Doctor Who fan, and the cast of that are aware of the drawbacks of each production, but are clearly affectionate for it. In Star Trek the actors seem to think that Star Trek was what was going to bring world peace. Television series, people!! Deal with it. So onto the episodes.
The Original Series: Bill's choice is "City On The Edge Of Forever" which is a fairly standard time travel episode where the crew (surprise, surprise) choose to make the ultimate sacrifice but save time in the process. We then get "The Enterprise Incident" in which we are expected to believe Kirk has gone mad and a Romulan commander will fall in love willy-nilly with a the Vulcan Spock because they have similar DNA backgrounds (so do horses and donkeys, but you don't seem them getting it on do you? You do?...Riiighhtt...). I had always recalled TOS being a bit bollocks, and frankly it seemed I was right. I was pleasantly surprised, therefore, to find that "Balance Of Terror" was actually pretty bloody good, and I enjoyed it immensely. Mark Lenard was great (give that man a recurring role!) and Shatner rose to the occasion. Well, 1 out of 3 ain't bad, I suppose.
The Next Generation: I remember thinking TNG was fantastic, but my recent viewing had burned me somewhat, so I approached this with some wariness. Pat's choice - "In Theory" - is not too bad, but a pretty standard "Data explores his human emotions" episode. What is suprising is that it has a fairly downbeat, melancholy ending which impressed. "Chains Of Command" is a two-parter and, let's not beat around the bush here, it's fucking awesome. David Warner guest stars and the scenes between him and Stewart are electric. Finally, "Darmok" shows the writers providing some real inventiveness as the crew are faced with a race whose language is so fundamentally different to ours it is virtually impossible to communicate. It's fantastic the way this is handled, and an absolute winner. Great disc.
Deep Space Nine: Again, I remember enjoying this a lot, and I have to say I was definitely not disappointed. Avery chooses "Far Beyond The Stars" which is an episode about racism, but it is handled very well, and the regular cast get the chance to shine in completely different roles. "What You Leave Behind" is the series finale, and proves just how far DS9 came over seven years. In the other series you could be forgiven for thinking nothing had happened between the first and last episodes, but with this story I was wondering what the hell had gone on while I was away. Sadly the solution to the prophets story arc seems a little tacked on. Finally "In The Pale Moonlight" is a fantastic story showing just how far the good guys will go in order to get a win. This is the episode where Avery Brooks really shines and it is very disturbing given today's political climate. This disc, to my surprise, is the best of the five.
Voyager: I remembered Voyager as being pretty bloody ordinary, and sadly I was proved correct with the fourth disc. It's so bad that I'm not even going to bother to look at each episode individually, suffice to say that the episodes are trite, the acting is woeful and I couldn't care less about the crew. However, two things stood out for me: firstly, it is embarrassingly obvious that Jeri Ryan was brought in to be sexy. She spends every episode in a skintight catsuit (despite being a Borg) and just stands around thrusting her boobs out. This is a good thing. The other thing that struck me is how the crew are all so conservative, even the apparently "rebellious" Marquis. All of them are slaves to the Federation's rulebook and none of them have the daring of Kirk, Riker or Sisko. No wonder this series was bollocks.
Enterprise: I never watched this after the turd that was Voyager, and quite frankly this disc didn't impress me very much. I will admit that it was better than Voyager, and the storylines were workman-like. Nothing stood out, although once again Jolene Blalock, despite being a Vulcan, wears a skintight catsuit all the time. Another model-turned-actor. What surprised me about this disc was the final episode of Enterprise and Star Trek to date; "These Are The Voyages...". I actually had a bit of a lump in my throat at the end when the three Enterprises took off, with the three captains reciting the iconic opening spiel. This left me feeling quite positive towards Enterprise.
All in all, the box set did little to dispel my initial feelings about Star Trek, but it did give a fix. I'm looking forward to the movie even more now.
"C+"

Playboy's March COEDs

Playboy is usually bang on with its models, giving us a wide variety of girls, particularly in the CyberGirl fold where the girls range from the traditional Playboy beauty to the somewhat more interesting...uhh..skanky is a word I hesitate to use as it has negative conotations, but it's vaguely the direction I'm trying to indicate.

Coeds, however, have been a bit hit and miss, particularly in 2007 and culminating it what is easily the worst choice ever for Coed of the Month in the form of December's Marita N'Shea; who is a model that shouldn't ever expose her face, let alone her body. Unbelievable she was chosen at all, even more so that she got COEM. I'm sure she has a lovely personality though...

This year, though, they seem to have been taking a slightly more thoughtful approach to choosing their models, and the COEMs have all been quite sweet. This month has been particularly exceptional. The four COEDs - Laci Willis, Kimberly McKenna, and Ashley Taylor, are all quite attractive, though all have the common Brazillian, but its nice to see that there are a few natural breasts in the collection. It's tricky to pick a winner from the four (and last year my picks for CEOM were all waaayy off), but I'm going to put my money on Ashley Taylor. She has a smile that sets her apart from the other three.

As for this month's COED - Magen Lugo - excellent choice (and one I finally picked!). Magen is easily one of the best COEMs ever, and I personally think they need to promote this girl to CyberGirl quick smart (if not Playmate...yes...yes, I think she is actually playmate material. She just has that perfect girl next door look).

All in all, March was a good month for the COED models and Playboy has picked up its game in this department.

St Trinian's

Let's kick these reviews off with a movie I've only just seen. Just, peoples, just.

Here's something I've never quite gotten. In truth straight people and gay people have enormous amounts in common. In the case of this movie, I don't see how straight or gay men would have a problem with it. We'll all love it. Why? Well, let's see...

Essentially, this movie is as camp as a row of tents. An all girls school run by a headmistress who is a man in drag. It stars everyone's second favourite gay actor, Rupert Everett (everyone's favourite is John Barrowman...come on, people, you know I'm right). Everett apparently gets it on with Colin Firth at the end of the movie. This is a gay man's wet dream.

And yet...it features a group of women in their late teens/early-to-mid twenties dressed in schoolgirl costumes. Schoolgirl costumes! Talulah Riley appears naked in the film! Three English models appear, with two of them spending a lot of time in their underwear. This is a straight man's wet dream!

So, essentially the question is, how can a movie that features Gemma Arterton in a schoolgirl costume be bad? The answer is...it pretty much can't be. In truth, though, the opening thirty minutes of the movie were a little slow, and it was clearly an English movie. You know how English movies just seem to lack the gloss of American movies? There is no "gloss" in this movie - and that's not necessarily a bad thing; just clearly marks it as "not an American film". The only highlight for me in the first half hour was the aforementioned Ms Riley running naked (not that you see anything, but who cares).

The movie picks up at about the hockey match where the girls from St Trinian's take on their rivals at St Cheltenham's (although the spelling of that is a bit curious...it is spelled in two different ways during the movie). It's about here that Colin Firth and Rupert Everett start to bring their comedy talents to the fore. Consequently, it starts to get exceptionally hilarious.

I'd like to say Everett and Firth steal the movie, but they seriously don't. It's the girls all the way - most of whom are barely lucky to get a credit in the opening credits, let alone the movie poster. You've got the chav, the geek, the posh totty, the emo, the head girl, the nice girl...and they all play their roles perfectly. Particularly impressive are the twin little girls who are quite freaky really.

Actually, if you think about it, most twins are pretty freaky when they appear in movies. Oh yeah, you remember those weird ass chicks from The Shining in the elevator and the blood...

The movie wraps up pretty much how you think it will, which is great because that's what you want the movie to do. Then there is a hilarious duet between Firth and Everett over the top of the credits.

All in all, this movie is great. Check it out, peoples.

"B+"