Doctor Who: The Stolen Earth (Series IV)

Around England, thousands of Doctor Who fans fangasmed after this episode.

With six names zooming out of the credits towards us (including a "with" and an "and") for a moment I thought I was watching the American telemovie - though that in itself is not a bad thing. What was a little more surprising was having some cast members credited on screen after the credits have finished, Poirot style. All quite different from the days when no one got a credit for twenty-two minutes (except the writer, obviously). But this episode just made Russell T Davies out to be the biggest liar ever - Rose will not return after series two...except now; Torchwood and Doctor Who will never cross over...except now. But you can't help but love Davies really. Moffat may be the guy who can scare the living crap out of you, but Davies is the guy who sits down and thinks "I need to write something epic...".

And boy is The Stolen Earth epic. What's slightly surprising, though, is the enormous amount of continuity in the story. OK, so we see the return of Martha, Rose, Jack and Sarah, the appearance of Ianto, Gwen, Luke and Mr Smith, appearances by Francine, Harriet Jones, Wilf and Sylvia, the return of Davros, the Daleks and the Judoon; but after countless mentions of the Medusa Cascade, the Cruciform, the Shadow Proclamation we finally get to see all those things as well (OK, not so much the Cruciform, but it was mentioned). And, add to that, there is also an allusion to a classic series story...

So, let's just briefly discuss the actual story. Obviously the Earth has been stolen, along with a number of other planets that have been mentioned in previous episodes this season, and to the surprise of...well, no one who had any common sense really, the culprits are the Daleks. The Doctor goes to the Shadow Proclamation to find this out while Harriet Jones unites the Doctor's past companions and they bring the Doctor to Earth. Where he gets exterminated...
What impresses me most about the new series is the fact that people are genuinely, shit-your-pants scared of the Daleks. When the Daleks invade Earth, Sarah and Martha and Jack are terrified. When we see the fear on their faces, it really helps sell the fact that these are the most dangerous creatures running around the universe.

But it was curious to see a lot of humour in this episode, not only with things like Ianto laughing at a television programme despite the appropriateness of such an act; but also with things such as Sarah complaining about the fanfare everytime Mr Smith comes out of the wall (and how cool was it that it was filmed in exactly the same way?). On top of that we got to see Sarah flip from hating to Torchwood to being quite pleased at Jack's flirting with him, as well as the Doctor shushing Donna when she sees Jack for the same reason. Plus the return of the "Harriet Jones, Former Prime Minster" "I know" joke, even down to the Daleks knowing who Harriet Jones is, but...

Once again, though, it's acting kudos to everyone in the cast. Easily stealing the show is Penelope Wilton reprising Harriet Jones, and bringing such power and elegance to the character. I still have a problem with the Doctor's decision to end her government (and certainly given the fact it effectively allowed the Master to take over that would seem a little justified), but it was great that Harriet stood by her decision to do what she did. Harriet is the best companion we never had - a woman who knows what she should do and is prepared to take the decision to do so, but better, one who is capable enough to create technology that will get her in contact with all the Doctor's previous companions (from the new series anyway).

Coming in very close behind this fantastic performance is Julian Bleach recreating Davros and sounding eerily like the original version as seen in Genesis of the Daleks (a fantastic bit of continuity as well when Sarah Jane recognises who Davros is). Bleach's performance is restrained and controlled, bringing back the deadly, truly evil side of Davros. Davies also adds the rather disturbing moment where we find out that Davros has been using himself to recreate the Daleks...particularly gruesome and nasty.

Everyone else is on fine form, but thank god the bizarre speech impediment that Billie Piper had last week has disappeared. Once again we see the Rose we used to know and love, and yes, a tear came to my eye when she and the Doctor saw each other for the first time - but then I also had a a moment when Harriet was exterminated.

My one concern though is - am I so blinded by the fangasmic moments that I have overlooked a crappy episode? I'm not going to make the call based on one episode, but I hope that Davies big concepts have a big payoff.

So where to from now? Who knows. Is the regeneration for real? I find it difficult to believe. Bring on the next episode though.

"A"

Doctor Who: Snowglobe 7 (BBC Books)

It's wonderful when you finally get a chance to read, isn't it?

Mike Tucker is what you'd describe as a "serviceable" writer. He's the kind of guy that will write a decent Doctor Who novel without actually stretching anybody too far, or making people think too much. Snowglobe 7 (or should it be SnowGlobe 7?) sees the Doctor apparently arriving in Dubai in the middle of a snowstorm, only to discover that he is actually inside a preservation that is trying to keep some form of winter alive. Money, being the issue of course, means that the SnowGlobe exercise has to find some funding from somewhere and so most of the SnowGlobes now have some form of winter sport getaway involved for the tourists. SnowGlobe 7 is going down that part, but this being Doctor Who, there is, of course, a monster lurking at the heart of the SnowGlobe which is pretty much unstoppable until the last five pages. Clearly a lot of work went into that resolution.

In all seriousness there's nothing really wrong with the book, but it highlights Tucker's "serviceability". The story is a straightforward, defeat the monster type tale, with smatterings of various Doctor Who stories from the past (try counting them, it's quite a fun exercise), primarily a big nod to "The Ark In Space".

Not the best of the trilogy of books it was released with, but certainly not the worst thing that New Series Adventures has come out with.

"B"

Best Man's Speech - A dedication to my good friends David & Amanda Rayfield

I had known David for some time before high school came around and the two of us went in separate directions, me to the Rockhampton Grammar School, him to the Christian Boys College. Although the two of us had had quite similar personalities before this, school changed us a little - I became nerdier, more naive and a goody two shoes, while David was drinking, smoking and having fun. Despite this we were still actually quite close and one day I was invited to one of his parties. I arrived and soon met a group of "City Bum Cleaners" as everyone outside CBC called CBC - it was Rockhampton, we were struggling for entertainment - all of whom had little time for the geek in the corner. I tried to inveigle myself into their clique, but was studiously ignored by pretty much everyone, until I came across someone sitting in a cloud of smoke. We had a non-conversation in which he, both drunk and generally disinterested in who he was talking to, grunted non committedly to my attempts at conversation.

David rescued me soon enough and asked me how I was enjoying the party. "Terrible," I replied. "Oh, I thought I saw you chatting over there with..." "Oh, God," I interrupted. "Not him. He's a complete idiot." "Right," David replied. "Shame, cause that's a good friend of mine. His name's Rayfield."

Now at this point you're probably wondering why I'm the best man...

David Harreveld continued to invite me to his parties which generally had a guest list that was rotating, but the two constants on those lists were myself and David Rayfield, who soon became simply "Rayfield" to avoid confusion, and also because everyone else called him that. In actuality I spent two years thinking his name was actually Ray Field, before I discovered that the truth. I then spent several months thanking my lucky stars I never called him Ray.
As the parties continued Rayfield and I began to talk to each other more and more, moving from simply nodding to each other as we entered the room, through to a "Hey, how ya doin'?" before getting onto some serious topics that we discovered we shared common ground on. Favourite actor? Tie between Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro, although nowadays the two of them pretty much play themselves. Godfather - best movie ever made. Rocky And Bullwinkle - DeNiro's lowest ebb. The most moving moment in our lives was when Robert DeNiro grabbed Al Pacino's hand at the end of Heat and said "I told you I ain't goin' back." Rayfield had been dating a girl at the time who he later confided in me that he didn't think it was going to last because as soon as DeNiro spoke the line she turned to him and said "Can we go?". No respect.

We were young...

I found out more and more about this guy. We did have overlapping tastes in music - Moby in particular. Music and movies being the cornerstone of Rayfield's and my own worlds meant that we developed a friendship and I realised that not only can first impressions be wrong, but they also can be quickly dismissed. David is now more to be than just a friend - I consider him a brother. The loyalty he has shown to me has gone beyond what mere friends give each other. Though we've both been through rough times, I know that when I hit a low ebb I can always count on David's support, and that makes him not only a good friend, but also a great guy.

ALTHOUGH...when mentioning how great a guy he is, one would probably not recount the story of what passed for entertainment in his life. A story involving a guy standing on a stone wall, grabbing onto monkey bars and resting his chin on the bar. A story in which David came up and, thinking it would be funny, grabbed the lad by the feet and yanked them out from under him resulting in a lot of blood and dental work. Showing great strength of character, David fled the scene of the crime.

David's passions meant that he would have to find just the right girl who would not only tolerate but also appreciate his loves in life. For reasons of tact I will not recount the story of how David and one of his girlfriends had to break up due to a lack of common passion in The Simpsons. But generally, David remains tight-lipped about his girlfriends and so it came to pass that the one day when he called me to talk about random rubbish, he mentioned in passing that "Amanda" was coming around. "Who?" I asked. "My girlfriend," he said.

Now, David is always careful to ensure that there is no friction in his life, and I believe that he was a bit worried about how Amanda and his friends would get along, so it was some considerable time before I even saw Amanda, let alone met her. One day he rang me to tell me that the two of them were moving in together and he was having a garage sale. I went along to take his playstation games off his hands and as I walked out the driveway a striking dark-haired woman walked down and smiled at me, and then waved when David joined me. "That's Amanda," he said. "I'll have to introduce you some time."

Months passed along with a couple of telephone conversations that got less awkward each time. Finally I got to meet Amanda, and he needn't have worried because, let's face it, how could anyone not like Amanda? She sat there and listened to me as I rambled on about rubbish, actually pretending to be interested and speaking every so often (My wife later assured her that all she had to do was nod and agree with me and she'd be fine). She allowed David to have his Batman figures scattered around the house and even had the good taste to like Doctor Who. Is it good taste to marry David? Far be it for me to judge. I knew we'd become friends as on later meetings when I talked, she nodded and agreed.

Sadly, neither of David's parents are with us anymore to celebrate this happy occasion, but I am sure that neither of them could be happier to know that their son has found such a perfect match in Amanda.

Congratulations guys.

Big Brother 08

I remember when I started watching Big Brother, after vowing and declaring that I never would, the final two were Bree and Trevor and I thought, frankly I don't care who wins because they are both pretty nice people and I have no problems with either of them getting the money. The following year it was Tim and Logan Greg and I had the same feelings. In fact, I've always been relatively happy with who ends up in the final two (or even three) because Australia gets rid of the losers and we are left with the nicest people in the house who actually deserve to win the money. Last year, though blatantly manipulated, Travis, Zack and Aleisha were the final three, and I was happy. I didn't care which of those three won because they were all great.

You may have noticed that I don't post many reviews of Big Brother anymore. Basically that's because I hate everyone in the house. Yes, I can't say I like any of them. The youngsters hate the oldies, and frankly I hate them too. Terri is a whinger who does to the young ones everything she claims they do to her. Terrance just goes on and on and needs to sit down and shut up.

The youngsters are just as bad. Brigitte...I tried to defend her, really, but she is just a brat who needs a good slap. She is shallow and thoughtless and her behaviour towards Terrance and Terri is inexcusable. She burped in Terrance's face. Who does that??? But, of course, because he's just as stupid, Terrance acted like a brat when he fought with her. The two are ridiculous. She saturated the kombi van in which Terrance and Terri sleep. She is the most self-absorbed thoughtless bitch I've had the misfortune to see.

Ben, Alice and Cherry are all wet whiners who stab everyone in the back in order to make themselves look good. Bianca is just a child who thinks she is so much cleverer than she actually is. Rory is a fuckhead - what he has been doing to Terri (fondling his penis to make it erect when he is naked in front of her) is not only peurile, it's sexual harrassment and Big Brother should have the guts to remove him from the house for it. I defended Big Brother over the turkey slapping incident because they did the right thing, but this year they just let it happen with a slap on the wrist. COME ON!! They admitted they do it deliberately. Thank God Nobbi has left the house because he was just as disgusting. Travis needs to stand up and take notice. I mean, what is with this lot?

I don't care who wins this competition because I hate them all. I hope that none of them win anything.

"E"

I have included a picture of past competitors because they shit all over this lot and were hotter.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit - Cold (Season 9)

And so we come to the season finale of SVU, although thanks to Ten they still have two new episodes to show because it is apparently too difficult to actually show the episodes in order. Yeah, well done on that one Ten.

Now just in case you didn't know - and let's face it there's no real reason why you should - neither Adam Beach (Det Chester Lake) nor Diane Neal (ADA Casey Novak) are returning next season, so this episode was going to be the one that saw both of these guys written out (thankfully it doesn't happen between seasons as is sometimes the case with Law & Order characters who just don't turn up the following season for no reason whatsoever). I have to admit that Det Lake leaving the series doesn't particularly bother me an awful lot; although it's given the opportunity for Fin to actually do something other than sit behind his desk and spit details out to Benson and Stabler, it's meant that Munch has done bugger all this season.

Diane Neal, on the other hand, I'm quite upset to have lost. She is the longest running ADA in any of the Law & Order series (and indeed the only person in the DA's office who has been there longer is Sam Waterston's Jack McCoy) and maybe it's just that I have a bit of a weakness for redheads, but she's damn hot. And has the sexiest voice. It's great.
But from a character point of view, I always preferred Novak to Alex Cabot, her predecessor, as she was more by the book, but was quite keen to help out the SVU team in any way possible. It's somewhat sad, then, that her downfall comes about because she chooses not to follow the rules in court. The episode has a particularly depressing ending, not just with Novak being informed she's pretty much got no more career (and a return from the amazingly fantastic Judith Light as Judge Donnelly), but also with Tutuola pretty much giving Stabler the middle finger as well as Lake being arrested for a second murder, which it's pretty cleary he actually did commit. This has to to be the most depressing ending to a SVU season since season one.

That said, Lake's behaviour during the first half of the episode is completely bizarre. He escapes from hospital to track down the witness to the crime he has been obsessing about for the past ten years, and she agrees to testify and identify the cop who raped her. OK, fair enough, but...why not just do that? Why not tell Stabler or Tutuola about the witness and get them to bring her in? Stabler complains that Lake doesn't trust them, but Benson immediately leaps to his defence...except he's absolutely right. If Lake had just bothered to trust his partner in the very least, there would be no problems at all. In fact, Lake's reluctance to say anything just creates more and more problems for him,
all of which could be solved by simply trusting. It's bizarre behaviour from someone who has been so level-headed all season.

A great ending, and some wonderful character moments, but overall I can't help but feel disappointed by the episode as a whole.

"B-"

KFC Deception Bay

I love KFC. Oh, the chips...best chips from any takeaway joint in the world. And I'm talking Australia here, because KFC in England is the absolute pits. Over here, however it is the best. It is my takeaway of choice. Sucks to be me then to live in Deception Bay, because without doubt the Deception Bay KFC is the worst, most poorly run KFC I have ever had the misfortune to patronise. And I have had the misfortune plenty, I tell you.

I have no idea what is going on there, but I think it basically boils down to the fact that there appears to be a staff of about seven every night, of which only one actually does anything. That one is always working like no one's business while the others just sit around and talk. On average I would have to wait about ten to fifteen minutes in the drive thru line up whenever I go there. Once I get through the line, I would have to wait another ten minutes while my order is put together, and that's assuming they are able to let me use EFTPOS when I am driving through. Meanwhile I can see the rest of the staff discussing their weekend plans and generally having a bit of a laugh.

Just to give one example - one day the line up was huge (as ususal) so I took the somewhat unique decision to order from the front counter - yes, I actually got out of my car. To my surprise it actually took just as long to get my order as it would have if I had gone through the drive thru. However, during the time I was waiting a number of other customers came along to order and, as the one girl was preparing my meal, no one served these customers.

One chap, a largish fellow, got a little disgruntled at having to wait to simply have his order taken, let alone have it prepared, bellowed after ten minutes "MORE WORK LESS CHATTER". The girls in the preparation area had the decency to turn to look at him before resuming their conversation. Five minutes after that he bellowed "IS THERE SOME DICKHEAD MANAGER I SHOULD TALK TO?" No one showed their face, but by this time my meal had finally turned up so I left before, presumably, the large chap jumped the counter and ripped the place apart Hulk-style.

KFC Deception Bay - you suck. You really do. It amazes me how badly you actually do suck. Get your act together for God's sake. You are supposed to be in the service industry.

"D"

The Happening

My sister and I have diagnosed what we describe as "First Single Hit" syndrome. It's when a singer - notably Natalie Imbruglia - releases their first single and it is absolutely incredible to the point where everything s/he does after that comes up just a little short. "Torn" was so good that everything Natalie releases is always "well, it's good, but it's not Torn, is it?" M Night Shyamalan suffers from the same thing. The Sixth Sense was a kick-arse film; so good with an absolutely brilliant twist and fuck off to anyone who
claims they saw the twist coming. The thing about that movie is that the audience works out the twist a microsecond before Bruce Willis' character does, and that is the best way to do a twist (or indeed a really, really good joke). The audience doesn't feel cheated, they feel a little intelligent, but because they didn't work it out just until the moment the character does, there's no anti-climax. An "A+" film.

But ever since then, "well...it's good, but it's no The Sixth Sense, is it?"

Unbreakable...great film, not critically acclaimed. Signs...great film, not critically acclaimed and didn't have a twist which left the audience a little disappointed because by now they had conditioned themselves to expect a twist. The Village...great film, not critically acclaimed (although for some reason the twist didn't surprise me at all because I was under the impression it was set in present day - have no idea why I thought that). And then there's The Lady In The Lake which is just a little off beat.

One of the great things about Shyamalan's direction is that the actors always conform to what Shyamalan wants. Usually an actor bends the style of the film to fit him/her, but that never happens in a Shyamalan film. And want he wants from his actors is a kind of styalised, distant form of acting. It's perhaps most noticable in Signs with Mel Gibson, and although he is the chief example of this, Mark Wahlberg is, I think, the next most obvious example of it. Unfortunately, it doesn't always suit Wahlberg as it seems, more often than not, that rather than being distant he has simply forgotten his lines and Shyamalan hasn't called for a retake. This isn't helped by Zooey Deschanel (and I love this actress to bits, she is criminally underrated) who seems to be playing her character in the same styalised style but is coming across more as a "deer caught in the headlights" startled lady. Usually this kind of performance suits what Shyamalan is trying to do, but in this film it just seems a little too over the top. Conversely, John Leguizamo
actually fits the bill perfectly and his performance is perfectly judged, bringing a real pathos to his character and the ultimate end for this poor maths teacher is quite heart wrenching.

The movie itself centers around a single fundamental idea - there are some things that are acts of nature that we will never fully understand. This is a great concept actually, but it's bound to split an audience (particularly an American audience) the majority of whom usually want everything cleared up and explained completely. What we have is a movie where a number of disturbing suicides take place, a number which then grows larger and larger before suddenly stopping. We are given a lot of theories; the idea that the plants are behind it being the one that is the most popular; but ultimately we are not told at all precisely what caused the suicides, why it suddenly stopped and how often it is likely to happen - a scene at the end showing us it is certainly going to happen at least one more time.

This movie is far more in the style of Signs, rather than any of the others in that a group of people are at the periphery of a series of events they have no control over, but through some fluke manage to survive. Essentially, if you liked Signs you'll like The Happening, otherwise...well, it's no The Sixth Sense.

"B"