Tomorrow Never Dies

OK, all the negative stuff out of the way in the first two paragraphs. Firstly, the theme song. The most bland, boring piece of music ever to grace the lucious titles of a Bond movie (and don't get me wrong - aside from some bizarre imagery, thanks to the script - the title sequence is fantastic). Just a shame that the theme song is so absolutely boring. And you know what the saddest part about all of this is? David Arnold was under the mistaken belief that the song he composed would be the theme, and used it throughout the score. It finally turns up in the closing credits and, guess what! It's about three hundred times better than Alanis Morisette's dirge at he beginning. Oh, why couldn't the producers have just stuck with the original plan?

Neil Purvis and Robert Wade have a lot to answer for in this movie, actually. Any faults can pretty much be blamed completely on them. There are a lot of problems with the script with things occurring that have to be explained in a throwaway line. General Chang is the best example. Is on screen for thirty seconds, but in the next two minutes we discover he is actually villain Elliot Carver's accomplice. Quite whatever happens to him, we'll never know. Lines have been cut left, right and center (don't believe me? Read the novelisation - it's based on an earlier draft and most of the stuff is still in that) and so the diamonds around the world that appear in the title sequence don't seem to have any point - but there was a line where Carver described his satellites as diamonds orbiting the planet. At one point Carver has a press conference to announce the completion of his global satellite network. A few scenes later, Gupta orders a satellite to be sent to the launch pad...why precisely? Aren't they all already in position? And can Stamper actually feel pain at all? He's stabbed several times in the movie and doesn't even seem put out. But the killer is Carver's plan - to start World War 3 in return for exclusive broadcasting rights in China for the next century. Now, there have been a lot of mad villain schemes in the past - blowing up Silicon Valley to increase the value of your hoarded micro chips; starting World War 3 to get money, or start a new world in space, or underwater; holding the world ransome with nuclear weapons. But in all these situations, if the plan fails, they lose everything. If the plan succeeds said villain is made for life. With Carver's plan, if it succeeds...well, it might still go all pear shaped because China might lose World War 3. Which begs the question...what's the bloody point?

But all that aside, this is a very entertaining film. Roger Spottiswoode may have had big problems with the cast, but it certainly doesn't show. Virtually the entire cast shine in this movie and very competently directed by Spottiswoode. And it is exquisitely shot and lit. Very, very beautiful. Curiously there are some slow-motion scenes in the movie which rather add nicely to the whole feel of the film. David Arnold scores the movie this time round, and it is the single best score since The Living Daylights. Arnold knows exactly what the Bond sound is, and adding some techno over the top brings it right up to date. I'm not entirely certain about his decision to use a different part of the James Bond theme for the gunbarrel, but thank god it sounds so much better that that rubbish Eric Serra had in GoldenEye. And, as I mentioned earlier, the closing theme, sung by kd Lang is absolutely brilliant. I notice, sadly, that Cubby Broccoli has passed away, getting an "In memory of" credit at the end, and the opening credits now read "Albert R Broccoli's Eon Productions presents" which is nice.

One thing in everyone's favour is that, despite a poor story, the actual screenplay, handled by writer Bruce Fierstein (apparently the man who "Bond"s up the screenplays), has some sparkling dialogue. There are som brilliant lines in the film, and everyone benefits from them.

Pierce Brosnan is still not entirely comfortable as Bond, although he is much better this time round despite actually looking older, bizarrely. He is still labouring under the delusion that "stoic" means "show no emotion" and as a result there are some rather boring moments from Bond himself. His flirting with Moneypenny is awkward and Brosnan plays Bond as the cool kid in the playground which is great for the BMW 750 car chase (which is an amazing moment in the film) where Bond is clearly having a ball, but no so great when Bond appears like a sulky kid if he doesn't get his own way. That said there are some brilliant Bond moments in the film - a great spy moment when he kills someone and then tricks Stamper into believing that it is Bond himself who has been murdered, and most impressively of all is the moment where Bond is, arguably, at his most ruthless, coldly killing Dr Kaufman. He is also a hypocrite, though, as he is suddenly against people smoking. Nice change of heart, Mr Bond. Also rather nice, is seeing Bond back in his naval uniform.

Michelle Yeoh is the chief Bond girl Wai Lin, and she is fantastic, although it appears there is a clause in her contract where she gets to have a martial arts fight at some point - though that point is great, and its worth sitting there for it. She plays her part very straight, clearly disinterested in Bond, although as the film progresses there is obviously not only some attraction but some admiration, and Yeoh hits her part just right, giving a few well placed smiles that indicate the feelings Wai Lin is developing for Bond. Brosnan also handles these scenes very nicely, and the relationship between the two is very believable. Contrary to the various reports and expectations, Teri Hatcher, fresh from her success in Lois & Clark, plays a very nice role as Paris Carver, the villain's wife and Bond's former lover, as it transpires. It's not a standout role, but it is played very well, and is very nice.

Back at home base, Judi Dench and Samantha Bond have settled very well into their roles, with a much better chemistry between the two than either share with Brosnan - although both vocally and physically, Bond looks a lot like a younger Dench, which is a little odd. Sadly there is no Tanner this time round, so Colin Salmon plays Charles Robinson who is (contrary to what everybody seems to claim) "M"'s senior analyst. It's a small role, but played very well, and a nice addition to the Bond films. Desmond Llewellyn returns, of course, and is a lot more competent in this movie, with some wonderful moments, and a classic "oh, grow up 007" which is perfectly timed and delivered. Julian Fellowes now plays the Minister of Defence, who is presumably not Freddie Gray, but it is Geoffrey Palmer who gets to tower as Admiral Roebuck, head of the Navy. He and Dench go head to head, and the chemistry between the two is pretty obvious, and their sparky relationship is fantastic. The best line in the film, though, has to be Roebuck telling "M": "With respect, "M", sometimes I don't think you have the balls for this job," to which she replies "Perhaps, but the advantage is I don't have to think with them all the time."

Oh, yeah, there is another negative. Joe Don Baker returns as Jack Wade. Dear God, thank heavens he is only in it for two brief, consecutive, scenes.

Back to the good stuff, and we can look at the villains, led by Jonathan Pryce as Elliot Carver. Clearly, given Carver's plot, there is a bit of difficulty in trying to find a good motivation for Carver, and so Pryce just plays him as a very over-the-top villain, and it actually works. Pryce lights up the screen when he appears and again has some fantastic lines and moments. He actually comes across as quite scary when he openly mocks Wai Lin's martial arts, and callously kills one of his offsiders when Bond uses said offsider as a hostage. There is also a great moment on Carver and Bond's first meeting when Bond subtlely hints that he knows he was behind the sinking of the Devonshire - it's a little dialogue exchange that is very reminiscient of the exchange between Bond and Zorin, when Bond hints that he knows his involvement with the murder of Aubergine.

He is backed up by a group of henchman, ranging from Ricky Jay as cyber terrorist Henry Gupta (a competently played part, though nothing outstanding); Gotz Otto as Stamper, Carver's chief enforcer and apparently completely insane; and most impressively, Vincent Schiavelli as Dr Kaufman, Carver's personal assassin. Schiavelli absolutely relishes the part, making it one of the most memorable characters to ever appear in a Bond film. It's a superb part, and it's so appropriate when Bond viciously executes him.

There are fantastic performances, there is brilliant direction, lighting and photography (how beautiful does Vietnam look?), and some absolutely amazing stunts (from the pretitle sequence which is thunderingly good, to the amazing bike chase where Wai Lin and Bond are handcuffed together) Tomorrow Never Dies may not have a story that is better than GoldenEye, but it is a far more competent film.

Favourite Bond: 1. Timothy Dalton; 2. Roger Moore; 3. Sean Connery; 4. George Lazenby; 5. Pierce Brosnan

Favourite movie order: 1. The Living Daylights; 2. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 3. Dr No; 4. Licence To Kill; 5. A View To A Kill; 6. Live And Let Die; 7. Thunderball; 8. For Your Eyes Only/Octopussy 10. The Spy Who Loved Me; 11. Tomorrow Never Dies; 12. GoldenEye; 13. From Russia, With Love; 14. Goldfinger; 15. You Only Live Twice; 16. Moonraker; 17. The Man With The Golden Gun; 18. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl: 1. Carey Lowell/Pam; 2. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 3. Diana Rigg/Tracy; 4. Carole Bouquet/Melina; 5. Izabella Scorupco/Natalya; 6. Barbara Bach/Anya; 7. Maud Adams/Octopussy 8. Michelle Yeoh/Wai Lin; 9. Mie Hama/Kissy; 10. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 11. Ursula Andress/Honey; 12. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 13. Maryam D'Abo/Kara; 14. Lois Chiles/Holly; 15. Honor Blackman/Pussy; 16. Tanya Roberts/Stacy; 17. Britt Ekland/Mary; 18. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain: 1. Robert Davi/Sanchez; 2. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 3. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 4. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 5. Jeroen Krabbe & Joe Don Baker/Koskov & Whittaker; 6. Christopher Walken/Zorin; 7. Louis Jordan & Steven Berkov/Kahn & Orlov 8. Jonathan Pryce/Carver; 9. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 10. Sean Bean/Trevelyan; 11. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 12. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 13. Julian Glover/Kristatos; 14. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 15. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 16. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 17. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 18. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

The X-Files

I don't think there are many people out there who would disagree with me when I say that Chris Carter's finest writing was the pilot episode of "The X-Files". There are very few television programmes that nail it in the pilot episode, but "The X-Files" was one of them. And Carter did a good job of the season five finale The End, ending the programme with the agents being beaten again by the cigarette-smoking man's organisation. It seemed appropriate and it was a good way to end the series, but rather sadly, of course, the plan to end the series with a movie was written off as four more seasons were made, slowly flogging that dead horse.

But this is the story of the movie. The first one, that is, that is often mistitled "Fight The Future" because that was the tagline - although that would have been a pretty damn cool title. This was the actual end of the series, and in many ways it was probably a better ending than the somewhat downbeat season five ending - though that was great. Because, at the end of the day, the whole point of the series was that these two FBI agents were determined to stand up against the government, the Syndacite, against anyone who was going to supress the truth. And so at the very end - and you'll forgive me if I skip forward to this - when the cigarette-smoking man gives Strughold the note that reveals the X-Files had been reopened, you think: that is a good ending. That's an ending of hope. And that's appropriate for this series.

And so the movie itself. After I watched and reviewed the new movie, somewhat favourably, a good friend of mine pointed out that it was just a standard episode, and he'd been hoping for something "bigger" and on reflection I'm kind of inclined to agree with him. An X-Files movie should be BIG. It should have big concepts and big ideas and big moments. That was missing from the new movie, and despite the fact that this movie is quagmired in the boring arc that had been set up over the last couple of years, the fact is this movie has BIG moments.

There are some very stupid moments as well. The introduction of the Syndacite's leader is completely pointless, and the appearance by the Lone Gunmen is equally pointless. However, both the cigarette-smoking man and the well-manicured man are well used in this movie, and the death of the latter is actually both surprising and a little disappointing. He was turning into a really interesting character. It's also nice to see the cigarette-smoking man just lingering on the outskirts as opposed to being used as a weapon or all the boring crap that he was doing in the last few seasons. And, of course, Skinner puts in an appearance to just have his presence registered, but it does seem appropriate. So thumbs up for great performances by William B Davis, John Neville and Mitch Pileggi.

There are some fantastic moments between David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, and, of course, the two almost kiss which is a moment everyone has been waiting for - but as usual it didn't happen, though it was clear that that was what they intended to do, and so five years of sexual tension was finally climaxed without actually climax. Oh, I kill me.

Happily the torturous dialogue usually associated with a Carter script is kept to a minimum, and the direction is handled, not by a big screen pro, but by one of the X-Files usual directors - Rob Bowman. Bowman, of course, would go on to direct other stuff, but he does a more than competent job in filming this, and the climax of the movie is especially exciting.

In fact, the climax is the BIG moment that we should get. A giant spaceship crashing out of the ice under Antarctica and flying away from Mulder and Scully, who have been trying to outrun the ice collapse, and end up on top of the ship before sliding off onto the ground. It's absolutely spectacular and is preceded by some amazing underground shots of people incubating the aliens.

For an arc story this is pretty bloody good, and for an X-Files movie, this is pretty damn entertaining. It actually works much better than the most recent one, and how great it should have been for the film to end a brilliant television series.

"A-"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Vanishing Act (Season Six)

One of the interesting things about The X-Files is that you could tell when David Duchovny wasn't particularly interested in the episode, mainly because he gave a very bored performance. Vincent D'Onofrio is not quite so bad as Duchovny, but quite frankly it showed this week that he was excited by the script. And, indeed, everything seemed to be amped up just a little by what was a unique and different investigation. A magician doing a stunt where he stays buried for almost a month almost dies on screen, is dug up but to the surprise of everyone he is not in the box. Instead he turns up dead in the cabinet-of-knives belonging to his mentor. Who is taken in for questioning. And then disappears. Weirded out?

The "And Special Guest Star" this week was Christopher Lloyd and despite the fact he is looking extremely old (although he was playing an old drunk) it's so great to see Lloyd back in something. He gives a brilliant performance as the mentor who appears to be framed for murder, and he has some wonderful moments, particularly when, desperate to prove the existance of an assistant, he reveals he was watching her with a teddy bear-cam because "old men have needs too".

But in this episode, Goren got the chance to show that he knew some basic magic. And D'Onfrio is clearly having the time of his life. Thanks to some dodgy swapping of episodes, we see Goren with a beard again this week, and again mention of his "betrayal" of Eames comes up, but this is clearly forgiven and forgotten as Kathryn Erbe allows Eames to be postively delighted by Goren's magical expertise. Indeed Erbe and D'Onofrio are having so much fun there are moments when you temporarily forget that they are investigating a murder.

Except that Goren gets some great Goren moments. He gets his psychological advantage over the killer, getting a confession out of him without actually having any evidence, but having solved the case beforehand. He works out the trick and finds the tunnel. The two detectives get to go following tunnels and tracks. It's just such a great opportunity to see them actually doing something that they are enjoying doing.

A brilliant episode of Criminal Intent.

"A+"

Playboy - September

Variety being, as it is, the spice of life, one can only imagine that September, for Playboy, is a rather neat little pinch of oregano, bringing a great deal of flavour and just a little bit of exotic-ness (where there to be such a word) to the worlds of Playboy. Take, for example, the Cybergirls. Only one blonde among them, and as she doesn't have big boobs she doesn't really fit the Playboy mould. Stephanie Emma kicked the month off, from New York and bringing a slight Latina feel, she's in her mid-twenties and is quite pretty in a "pocket rocket" kind of way. The curiously named Elizabeth Taylor from Illinois is very, very striking, though probably enhanced. Curiously she's another in the mid-to-late twenties. Rebecca Lynn is our small breasted blonde, and the babe of the group at the tender age of ninteen. A Florida girl, you can tell she has a bit of a beach bunny feel to her. Back to the brunettes for a twenty-one year old shortie named Stephanie Strong. I like Steph as she has a very nice smile that suggests she's really having fun. Finally another twenty-one year old short brunette (although not as short as Stephanie) with Samantha Dunn. Again, quite pretty, but there's something that's a little fake about her. It's a difficult one to pick, but I'm going to put my money on Elizabeth Taylor to be CGOM. Tough choice though.

The Coeds are a little more in line with the stereotype, despite kicking off with a brunette. Corin Riggs is very pretty (love dark hair against a pale body), while Renee Reece sees our first blonde, again very pale. The tanned blonde is Christen Autumn, and finally Hayley Foxx rounds the group out. I suspect that the first three all have enhancements, while what's most tantalising about Hayley is that she never gets completely naked. That ususally means she'll become CEOM, but I am going to put my money on Christen Autumn.

As seems to be increasingly the case I didn't pick either CGOM or COEM, but the choices turned out to be not so bad. Curiously Tiffani Amber, COEM, looks a lot like the girl that Ross dated when he had very white teeth in that episode of Friends you may or may not remember. She photographs nicely and there were some nice sets for her. Jai Lynn, on the other hand, was not my choice at all, but she comes across as a little severe in her photo sets, and it was hard to find a shot of her that made it look like she was having an absolute ball.

Finally, Miss October is Kelly Carrington, and here Playboy have gone back to the standard (although again, the breasts aren't huge). Strangely, though, I found myself not being particularly disgruntled with this return to form. I guess it just goes to show that every so often it's nice to have the familiar back with us. Kelly is very attractive and also from New York. At 22 she's about average for the Playmate age, but she is a very good choice and I have to approve of Holly Madison's selection.

Although, there's an interesting question. Miss Madison and Heff have broken up, so the question is, will Holly still be in charge of the centerfolds in the magazine from this point on, or will someone else get the job? I suppose only time will tell.

The X-Files: Season Five

After a very crap Season Four, I had pretty much given up on my rewatching of The X-Files, happy to alter my plan to finish at the movie by ending with Mulder appearing to have shot himself in the head. However, the release of the new movie got my little X-Phile pulsing and so I decided to go back to my original plan and get Season Five. And, surprise, surprise, I was actually not disappointed.

Mostly, anyway. There are five episodes which, quite frankly, drag the season down a little, and perhaps to no one's surprise they are all "arc" episodes. Most of the time you have to sit through the torturous dialogue of Chris Carter, and these episodes tend to begin with a voice over by either Mulder or Scully, both sounding as bored as the audience are. Redux, Redux Part II, Patient X and The Red And The Black all deal with the standard alien abduction, is it all real, government conspiracy, blah, blah, blah. The latter two see the return of the ugliest man on television, Brian Thompson, who clearly has some sort of hold over Carter. I can see Carter now - "Hmmm...Brian's told me I have to keep him in television or he'll tell everyone I'm gay. He's so ugly no one will ever employ him...so I guess I'd better make sure we have an episode in the season that features the return of the Alien Bounty Hunter...it's just...he's sooo ugly..."

Of course, the more perceptive of you will note that I said five episodes, but I've only actually mentioned four. The fifth episode is Emily and it is a serious disappointment because it is the second half of a story, the first half actually having nothing to do with the arc, but is a really, really good episode. Christmas Carol is a Scully episode where she goes home for Christmas and runs into a girl she is convinced is the daughter of her dead sister. The cliffhanger reveals that she was way off base, as her family predicted, as the mother of the child is actually...herself. Absolutely brilliant cliffhanger, completely destroyed in the next episode by the return of Mulder and the "arc". It's completely depressing to see such an interesting episode die so completely.

And this segues quite nicely into the revelation that there are some episodes in this season that don't necessarily feature either Scully or Mulder, althogh generally when it is a Scully only episode, Mulder has a small scene somewhere in the episode. But enough detail, onto the episodes.

After the Redux two parter, Unusual Suspects is a flashback episode introducing the Lone Gunmen and revealing the spark of interest Mulder has in the paranormal. It gives Steven Williams/Mr X a chance to make a reappearance and also features a cameo appearance by Richard Belzer as Detective John Munch in one of the many television programmes he played the part (presumably this episode also sparked his interest in government conspiracies). It's a great little story that gives Bruce Harwood/Byers the chance to shine.

Detour is a classic episode that sees the kooky relationship between Scully and Mulder highlighted, as the agents investigate what appears to be the Mothman. Very much in the tradition of Ice, it's a great traditional episode.

The Post-Modern Prometheus is an experimental episode that is shot entirely in black and white and is (naturally) a homage to Frankenstein. Although written and directed by Chris Carter, the episode doesn't have quite the same terrible dialogue, and certainly the fact that David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson seem interested in the script, brings it to life somewhat.

Kitsunegari, following the Emily two parter, is a sequel to the episode "Pusher" and sees the return of Robert Patrick Modell as he tries to save someone who has the same abilities he has; but of course Mulder can see straight through him. A bit ordinary, it's still quite entertaining to watch.

Schizogeny is a curious beast of an episode. From the outset it appears to be about a group of kids who are being molested by their parents, but this turns into them having the memories implanted by their therapist. She, of course, can control the Earth. It's a good episode that is worth the watch.

Chinga is another Mulder-lite episode (although Duchovny's appearances are hilarious) about Scully stumbling upon a murderous doll. The story is written by Stephen King and so it's not so surprising that there is a lot of gore in the episode. You can't help but enjoy the episode, and the ending is priceless.

Kill Switch sees an AI taking control of computers in an attempt to defend itself from its creators turning it off. Mulder ends up getting sucked into the bizzare world it creates and finds his arms removed while Scully gets a mild hint of jealousy towards the cybergeek they meet. Another really enjoyable episode.

Bad Blood, is quite frankly, the jewel in the crown for the series. An truly off beat episode that starts off with a boy getting staked...by Mulder...but the boy's a vampire...except Scully reveals his teeth are fake. From then on we get to see a story firstly from Scully's point of view and then from Mulder's. This is a great chance for the two leads to play their characters in slightly different ways, and for guest actor Luke Wilson to play the same character from two points of view. Finally the episode is wrapped up by the two detectives as they uncover a group of vampire gypsies. There is nothing bad about this episode at all, and is one of the best episodes of The X-Files ever.

Another two parter before a second flashback, Travelers, episode (giving Anderson the day off) shows how Mulder became involved with the "X" files. He gets to meet the man (played by Darren McGavin in a nod to Nightstalker) who started the X-Files, before the majority of the episode becomes a further flashback to the fifties as Mulder's mentor investigates his first "X" file.

Mind's Eye sees the agents investigate a series of murders apparently perpetrated by a blind man, until Mulder believes that the blind lady can actually see the murderer's actions in her mind. Another great episode.

All Souls is an episode that deals with the possibility of nephalytes on Earth. It's a great episode in that Scully's faith in the religiously paranormal is questioned by Mulder's belief in the scientific paranormal. What's great is that Scully's point of view isn't ignored and it certainly seems to be the actual truth of the situation, rather than Mulder's plans.

The Pine Bluff Variant is another slightly curious episode where Scully believes that Mulder has actually joined a terrorist cell. This episode is actually all about a government conspiracy, but as it's completely detached from the standard alien/Syndacite storyline, it's far more watchable. It also gives Mitch Pileggi the chance to shine this season as AD Skinner.

Folie A Deux is another slightly disturbing episode about a man who is actually a giant bug, but is able to hide in plain sight. Mulder gets the ability to see the bug as the episode continues despite the fact that both Scully and Skinner believe he is going mad. What's great about this episode, and the previous one, is that both see the agents involved in standard FBI investigations that turn into X-Files, rather than them seeking the paranormal. It's a difference that is welcomed.

Finally, we get to The End, an episode which is tied into the story arc, although there appears to be no obvious reason why. The cigarette smoking man, who was apparently killed in Redux, returns to kill a little boy, and apparently gets away with him, though the boy is actually a mind reader. The character introduced in Patient X, Agent Spender, returns, alongside a new agent, Fowler, and the episode leads directly into the movie. However, the ending sees Mulder and Scully in the burnt our remains of their office, which seems a symbolic way of ending the series for good. As we know, sadly, the horse was dead, but Fox were still going to flog it.

I have to admit I'm really glad I took the risk and decided to face Season Five. I don't know whether it was the fact that the series was supposed to end and everyone was eager to give it their all, of if not having to film as many episodes relaxed the leads just a little, but this season is a breath of fresh air.

"A"

GoldenEye

The tagline for GoldenEye begins: "It's a new world..." Six years after Licence To Kill, it is indeed very new, and a lot has changed on the Bond films and the biggest and most noticeable change for the films is a new producer. After sixteen films and over thirty years in the driver's seat, Albert R "Cubby" Broccoli has nothing but a "presents" credit on GoldenEye, his job being taken over by his daughter Barbara. Babs Broccoli and her step-brother Michael G Wilson (who's been doing the job for quite some time) clearly have a slightly different idea about what a Bond film is. What's ever so slightly strange, though, is that Wilson is no longer contributing to the scripting duties. And worse, without Richard Maibaum, there are no old hands on the GoldenEye script. And what's a little disturbing is that there were no less than four different writers on GoldenEye. Good...or bad?

The first most noticeable major change to the film series is a revamp of the gunbarrel logo by new main title designer Daniel Kleinman. It looks amazing, with a true three-dimensional effect. And, of course, a new James Bond - Pierce Brosnan, finally getting the chance to play the part he's desired for so long - walks in the sights, but sadly doesn't deliver quite the same punch with his casual swing to camera. OK, it's only the gunbarrel, but it's important. What's also important to mention is that Eric Serra is handling the music chores, and quite frankly, this is a very, very bad idea. From the outset Serra just doesn't get the "Bond sound". Bond has a "sound" which other composers have gotten, tweaked slightly so they can work with it, but kept it essentially the same. Serra just tosses it aside and delivers a Serra score that occasionally uses the James Bond theme in the same way that Diamonds Are Forever was a Bond film - maybe in name. You know that you're onto a bad thing when even the producers have lost faith in your composer - during the amazing tank sequence (more on this later) orchestrator Nic Foster composes the scene, replacing what Serra originally wrote. You can immediately tell the difference and immediately realise that Foster got it in exactly the same way Serra didn't. To cap it all off, Serra himself performs the closing song "The Experience Of Love" which, despite being quite a nice song, is frankly boring. That said, Serra's love theme for the movie is very beautiful and it's lovely when it comes up.

There are a lot of great things about GoldenEye, but to be frank there are some big problems, and I want to address those first, before praising the good. Aside from the music, the script is extremely clunky. There is narrative exposition aplenty which seems stuck in because essentially what happens isn't terribly clear. Unfortunately, there are some moments which need that exposition that just aren't there. Bond meets up with Zukovsky and out of the blue offers him the chance to deal explosives in return for a meeting with Janus. However, Bond has only just arrived in Russia and met up with Jack Wade; so how does he come up with this explosive deal exactly? Wade never mentions it and clearly neither does Bond. It's a bizarre piece of storytelling that is just thrown in. Meanwhile, every single Russian we meet introduces themselves using all three of their names: Arkardy Grigorovitch Ourumov; Natalya Fyordorovna Simonova; Valentin Dimtrovich Zukovsky...it just goes on. When Minister Mishkin actually calls Ourumov "Arkady Grigorovich" you begin to whither. On the other hand, it's clear that none of the writers involved where particularly keen to use the Bond traditions and, as such, decided to get them all over in the Casino scene which, aside from having Bond introduce himself and ask for a martini, sees more double entendre than has ever been seen in one film. It is quite simply cringe inducing.

And of course there is new James Bond, Pierce Brosnan. For so long, we were assured that Timothy Dalton would be returning to Bond, but after the announcement of the film, Dalton announced he felt it was time to move on, and his replacement in The Living Daylights (who ultimately had to step down) is the man to get the job. Truth to tell, Brosnan doesn't quite nail the part in this movie. Unlike his predecessors who all seem to have an understanding of what they want to do with the part, Brosnan seems curiously uncertain of where he is going. When he's smooching up to the women, he's playing Remington Steele; when he's being serious he comes across as a petulant fifteen year old, and the rest of the time he is trying to channel Roger Moore. There is a fine line between being confident and being smug, and sadly Brosnan sits on just the wrong side of this line. It's annoying, because you get the feeling Brosnan does have the potential to do a good job of the part. It just doesn't materialise in this film. However, that said, the one thing that Brosnan does bring to the role is a smoothness that sets him apart from his four predecessors. It's your schtick, Pierce!!! Work it!

And that's pretty much the negatives of the film. Because, outside of that there is an awful lot of great stuff in the film. The pre-title sequence is wonderful, with no less than two absolutely amazing stunts taking place - the brilliant leap off the Russian dam and Bond driving a motorcycle of a cliff to catch a plane that is falling. The plane stunt occurs just before the title sequence which is a wonderful sequence incorporating CGI. On top of that Tina Turner delivers an amazing rendition of Bono & The Edge's theme song, which just highlights how horrible Serra's score is.
There is essentially no former cast members in this film, though Desmond Llewellyn does reprise "Q", but sadly this is not a wonderful performance, with Llewellyn and Brosnan doing what appears to be Carry On "Q". However, Samantha Bond becomes the new Miss Moneypenny, and there is an attempt to make her just a little more independent, but it does seem to make her just that little too independent. Michael Kitchen plays Bill Tanner, and its a brilliant performance that is exactly the way the character should be played. He has a relaxed relationship with Bond, and is clearly, like the rest of the MI6 staff (now located in the correct MI6 building in Vauxhall) is trying to impress his new boss.

Judi Dench steps into the shoes of "M", clearly a new character, and one who sees Bond as outdated and not entirely essential to her new regeime. This is a good move, as it's nice to see Bond as an old-fashioned character struggling to fit into the new world of spying. Dench brings a whole new quality of class to the Bond movies, and her scathing relationship with Bond, is exactly the way the Bond/"M" relationship should be played. You can't help but be excited by Dench's casting - and once again, like Bernard Lee, she gets an "and" credit in the title sequence! However, I don't like the idea of Bond referring to "M" as "M" rather than ma'am - it seems a little insubordinate.

Meanwhile, the rest of the casting is simply superb (with one possible exception, so we won't dwell on Joe Don Baker as Jack Wade). Tcheky Karyo plays Russian Defence Minister Mishkin and brings a small part to life, stealing the two scenes he is in, which is particularly impressive as both of those scenes also feature Gottfried John as General Ourumov, who injects a sense of brilliant desperation into his character. Perhaps the thing that makes Ourumov brilliant is his facial expressions which are always just a little off-kilter, and always give the feeling that Ourumov can't quite believe what he is seeing. However, Ourumov has very little patience for fools under his command as he ruthlessly shoots one of his men dead after ordering them not to shoot at gas barrels. It's a wonderful moment. Alan Cummings plays the other henchman, Boris Grishenko, a computer geek who has his own catchphrase. Cummings is great in the role and you can't help but hope he makes it through to the end; though he has a rather nasty moment with the leading lady. The other cameo part - of sorts - is former KGB agent-turned-Russian mobster Valentin Zukovsky, played by Robbie Coltrane. Frankly, he steals the entire movie. He delivers everything with a twinkle in his eyes and one gets the feeling that Coltrane is having the absolute time of his life playing this larger than life ally of Bond. I can only hope and pray he will return to the series.

Roll on the Bond girls, with Bond apparently becoming somewhat monogamous in this movie. There are two girls - Izabella Scorupco and Famke Janssen as Natalya and Xenia Onnatopp, respectively. Xenia is an absolute fruitcake, a villainous henchman who gets off on violence. She is one of the best henchmen the series has ever seen, killing her victims by crushing them with her thighs, but is so hot you can't help but root for her (pardon the pun). Scorupco, on the other hand, is stunning, her figure highlighted by what could be regarded as a somewhat gratuituous moment when she walks on a beach in nothing but a white bikini (cue a curious crotch shot). Natalya is an interesting Bond girl, resourceful like many of the others, but there is some good acting from Scorupco when she witnesses Bond massacre a group of soldiers. Both girls are standouts.

Finally, on the casting front, comes Bond villain Alec Trevelyan, former agent 006 as portrayed by Sean Bean, who just missed out on getting the role of Bond in this movie. It's great in the opening sequence to see another 00 agent in the same light as we often see Bond - usually 00 agents are shadowy figures who get killed, inspiring Bond to seek revenge of some sort. Somehow 006 makes a deal with Ourumov (either in the few moments he got caught, or beforehand, which indicates that both he and Ourumov have an absolute callous disregard for the grunts) and becomes the surprise villian later in the film - which would be a huge surprise if the trailer hadn't let everyone know that the movie would be about 007 fighting 006. This, of course, is not he fault of the movie makers, rather the trailer makers who made a huge blunder with this one. Sadly Bean tends to eclipse Brosnan most of the time, and brings a lot more passion to his part than Brosnan brings to Bond; though his claim that Bond has no loyalty towards his friends is a little off base after LTK. That said, though, the final fight between Bond and Trevelyan is one of the most vicious we've seen in the series to date.

And so we get to the details of the movie. The stunts are universally spectacular in the film. We've already established those in the title sequence are amazing, but later in the film there is a tank chase which involves trashing St Petersburg, as well as driving an armoured train into said tank. It's truly incredible and you feel the pain everyone goes through when they get hit. Also of note, and perhaps appropriately given that sadly the man responsible, Derek Meddings, died after the film was made and gets the dedication, is the modelwork of the film which is simply spectacular. There are moments of modelwork in the film you would honestly believe where filmed live. It's simply breathtaking, and is so wonderful that Meddings final film is the absolute best example of his work.

The Aston Martin DB5 turns up again for an entertaining little chase in through the mountainside, but Bond's car for the movie - apparently gadged enhanced - is a BMW Z3, which sadly appears...once. And is used for Bond to drive to meet Jack Wade. Utterly, utterly pointless. On the other hand, there is a curious reference in the film to Bond's parents, which is a nice nod to Fleming's novels.

Then there are the gadgets, principally the explosive pen that goes off after four seconds of being armed by three clicks. Clearly Bond has absolutely no faith in "Q"'s gadgets at all as, when given the pen by "Q", he arms it and puts it in "Q"'s pocket. That said, though, he seems completely justified as it doesn't go off. Then..."Q" puts it on a dummy and does the same thing...which results in an explosion. This pen is, quite frankly, bizarre. Try to keep track of the clicks in the final scene and you'll notice it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Why on Earth does Bond think it will go off when it does??

At the end of the day, GoldenEye feels like a Sean Connery movie, directed by John Glen and starring Roger Moore. It's a mix and mash that doesn't work for Brosnan, and ultimately just doesn't really work.

Favourite Bond: 1. Timothy Dalton; 2. Roger Moore; 3. Sean Connery; 4. George Lazenby; 5. Pierce Brosnan

Favourite movie order: 1. The Living Daylights; 2. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 3. Dr No; 4. Licence To Kill; 5. A View To A Kill; 6. Live And Let Die; 7. Thunderball; 8. For Your Eyes Only/Octopussy 10. The Spy Who Loved Me; 11. GoldenEye; 12. From Russia, With Love; 13. Goldfinger; 14. You Only Live Twice; 15. Moonraker; 16. The Man With The Golden Gun; 17. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl: 1. Carey Lowell/Pam; 2. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 3. Diana Rigg/Tracy; 4. Carole Bouquet/Melina; 5. Izabella Scorupco/Natalya; 6. Barbara Bach/Anya; 7. Maud Adams/Octopussy 8. Mie Hama/Kissy; 9. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 10. Ursula Andress/Honey; 11. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 12. Maryam D'Abo/Kara; 13. Lois Chiles/Holly; 14. Honor Blackman/Pussy; 15. Tanya Roberts/Stacy; 16. Britt Ekland/Mary; 17. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain: 1. Robert Davi/Sanchez; 2. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 3. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 4. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 5. Jeroen Krabbe & Joe Don Baker/Koskov & Whittaker; 6. Christopher Walken/Zorin; 7. Louis Jordan & Steven Berkov/Kahn & Orlov 8. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 9. Sean Bean/Trevelyan; 10. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 11. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 12. Julian Glover/Kristatos; 13. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 14. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 15. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 16. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 17. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

NCIS: Heartland (Season Six)

I can only think of one reason for the sudden change in quality of NCIS and that must be Mark Harmon's influence as new producer. After that disappointing fifth season, this season is dealing out new ideas and a little bit more backstory for the various characters and, perhaps unsurprisingly most of all, Gibbs. This episode sees Gibbs forced to return back to his hometown where we find that the murder of a marine and the attack of another is rooted in the relatively sordid personal problems of a group of high school thugs who grew up to run the town.

In terms of the mystery, there are a few surprising twists and turns and I certainly didn't predict the revelation at the end of the episode - and my wife believed she had predicted it, only to find out that she predicted the wrong thing. It's good that the series can still be surprising after all this time.

On the personal front, it's great to see DiNozzo being the guy who is most fascinated at the idea of travelling to Gibbs' hometown. His hero worship of Gibbs has developed into an intriguing fascination of the man's past which, as we've discovered over the last few seasons, is a little more surprising than we first thought. When he finally turns up, again we get to see Gibbs' fondness of his senior agent as he permits DiNozzo to ask two questions of his father. Ziva and McGee, meanwhile are mostly puppy dogs for much of the episode.

Gibbs, however, gets to reveal a lot more about his past, not least of which is the discovery that his first wife was a girl he met while in Stillwater. We also discover that his mother passed away and he never really forgave his father for getting on with his life. So, like most television heroes these days, he has issues with his father, but happily by the end of the episode these are mostly resolved, and the final scene between the two Gibbs is wonderfully played by both actors involved.

It's a great episode, not only because of the entertaining plot, but also because of the nice character development of Gibbs.

"A"

Licence To Kill

Timothy Dalton's second outing as Bond is heralded by a curious rearrangement of the James Bond theme by this movie's composer Michael Kamen, presumably given the fact he had a fair bit of street cred at this point in his career. Interestingly, the pretitle sequence is nothing more than an extension of the main movie, introducing us to the main villain in the form of Robert Savi's Franz Sanchez and his girlfriend Lupe Lamora (Talisa Soto), along with Bond's two allies; Sharkey, played by Frank McRae, who plays the part in the same way he was playing all parts in the eighties; by shouting a lot (I suspect that it was part of his contract that if he were to appear in a movie he had to shout a lot, which was great for the enormous amount of times he was playing police captains); and Felix Leiter, thankfully not portrayed by the wet fish that was John Terry. This time around - and for the first time ever - David Hedison reprises the role he played in Live And Let Die, and how great is it to see? He and Dalton have a good chemistry (clearly everyone loves David, as Moore had a similar connection) and this makes it a lot easier to believe Bond's motives later in the film.

Kamen's music (and let's talk about it for a moment) is really good and he makes an appropriate successor to John Barry. His Bond action theme arrangement is very engaging, but Kamen's piece-de-resistance is easily his love theme for Pam (Carey Lowell), which is the most beautiful piece of music the series has ever seen. On the downside, however, is that he didn't write "Licence To Kill" as performed in true Shirley Bassey style by Gladys Knight. It's a very stirring piece of music that is a little let down by a fairly generic title sequence from Maurice Binder that, aside from showing us Dalton, is essentially girls dancing around and a casino motif...for some bizarre reason. But as Kamen didn't write it, it appears soley in the title sequence. The close song - "If You Asked Me Too", performed by Patti LaBelle, is possibly even better than the title song, and is one of the best songs ever to appear in a Bond movie - at least that's what Celine Dion thought when she covered it.

There's something very different about this Bond movie, and it feel as though both John Glen and Timothy Dalton are making more of the kind of movie that they want to make. The very ruthless, vengeful Bond we caught a glimpse of in For Your Eyes Only is made manifest by Dalton throughout the whole movie, using the anger that we saw when Saunders was killed in The Living Daylights. This is Bond througout the entire movie, throwing away a lot of the humour that he had in the previous film. Don't get me wrong though, Bond is not humourless and there are some very witty moments in the film, just few from Bond himself. In fact the best lines in the film go to Sanchez.

There's also a great deal of "reality" in the film - Bond's enemy is a common, though very powerful, drug baron. There is a barroom brawl at one point. These are all things that ever so slightly change the feel of the movies. In addition to this, two regulars who have been around since The Spy Who Loved Me - Gogol and Gray - are both gone. Finally, of course, the level of violence in this film is the highest we've ever seen. The death of Milton Krest is particularly gruesome, and Leiter's torture is equally disturbing. We also get another oblique reference to Tracy Bond and her death. That said, the amount of reality is perhaps more indicative that this movie is a product of it's times, as most Bonds are.

However, the production of the film is of its usual high quality. The underwater sequences are beautifully shot and the pace of these is far better than those in Thunderball and the stuntwork in general is again exceptional. Glen and writers Richard Maibaum and Michael G Wilson continue to try to push the boundaries of the Bond films. Some of the film is grounded in another of Fleming's short story - The Hildebrand Rarity, which gives us Krest and the WaveKrest yacht, along with Sanchez's disturbing beating of Lupe with a stingray tail. A lot of original action sequences feature in the movie, from the opening where Bond in a helicopter literally catches Sanchez in his light plane, to the end where a truck chase gives us the most impressive explosions the series has seen. Indeed, the truck doing wheelies on both the side wheels and back wheels is an amazing stunt. The movie as a whole moves along at a cracking pace and is extremely watchable.

And so to the cast. Dalton, as noted, gives us a grimmer Bond in this film, his licence revoked after he can't let Leiter's death go (interestingly the original title of the movie was Licence Revoked, but American audiences were unable to wrap their heads around the meaning of revoked), but he has gone back to some of the more traditional Bond foibles. Once again he is a womaniser, happy to sleep with Lupe Lamora when she offers herself, and even appears to have a rather more than "best man" relationship with Della Leiter (not that Felix appears to care). But this is the Bond of TLD - a man who is happy to deliver a headbutt, and one who develops more than just a shallow relationship with his primary girl.

Carey Lowell is perfect as Pam, not only absolutely stunning (there is a priceless moment when Bond double takes on seeing Pam stripping down to a swimsuit), but also extremely resourceful. Her feelings for Bond develop throughout the film, their partnership forged in fire as she feels Bond's desire for revenge, but also aware - far more than him - that there is more at stake than just Bond's desire for justice. The ending of the film is a beautiful moment with not even the winking stone fish able to destroy it. The other Bond girl, Talisa Soto, is extremely beautiful as well, but is sadly rather passionless.

Franz Sanchez, on the other hand, is one of the most interesting Bond villains to date. In very many ways, he is the anti-Bond; smooth, suave and debonair, remaining constantly calm and dedicated to something more than just money. He has his traditional Bond villain moments - notably he delivers a lecture to a group of drug dealers in the same fashion that Goldfinger and Zorin addressed their allies - however, when he lets his anger out, it is pure viciousness. In the final showdown with Bond, both men are torn apart; Bond is the most shattered we've ever seen him in the entire movie history, and Sanchez is in a similar state.

But whereas other Bond villains have been supported by a faceless army, Sanchez's generals are all personalities of their own. From the sadistic Dario (Benicio Del Toro), to the loyal Braun (Guy De Saint Cyr); from the opportunistic Heller (Don Stroud) to the money obsessed Truman-Lodge (Anthony Starke); from the traitorous Killifer (Everett McGill) to the treacherous Krest (Anthony Zerbe); all the henchmen are brought alive by uniformly fantastic performances. That said, though, the scene-stealer of the movie is Professor Joe Butcher, played by Wayne Newton; ostensibly a televangilist he is actually the connection for all of Sanchez's major drug deals. It's such a brilliant performance that you can't help but laugh with him.

Finally, Robert Brown again gets a chance to shine as "M", while sadly Caroline Bliss' Miss Moneypenny is relatively wasted. It's interesting to see Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa make an appearance as a Hong Kong narcotics agent, and the underrated British actor Christopher Neame is MI6 agent Fallon. But, at long last, Desmond Llewellyn gets "Q"'s finest hour in this movie, as "Q" joins Bond and Pam in their mission and becomes an effective field agent. It's great to see Llewellyn get so much screen time, and it's so well deserved. Again, noting the humour, the scene between Pam, Lupe and "Q" is one of the funniest in the film.

Their are a few minor plot niggles about this movie. It's a shame that an imaginary country was created to house Isthmus City, but I suppose it would have been difficult to do it with a real country. The police are stupid, but to be fair all police are stupid in the world of James Bond. Given that Sanchez (or more accurately Heller) is made instantaneously aware of Bond's five million dollar deposit, surely its withdrawl would have been reported immediately as well?

Overall, this is an interesting experiment for the Bond films, which works well and gives a nice variety. However, it would be nice to see Dalton return a little more to TLD for his next movie than continue down this gruesome, darker path.

Favourite Bond: 1. Timothy Dalton; 2. Roger Moore; 3. Sean Connery; 4. George Lazenby

Favourite movie order: 1. The Living Daylights; 2. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 3. Dr No; 4. Licence To Kill; 5. A View To A Kill; 6. Live And Let Die; 7. Thunderball; 8. For Your Eyes Only/Octopussy 10. The Spy Who Loved Me; 11. From Russia, With Love; 12. Goldfinger; 13. You Only Live Twice; 14. Moonraker; 15. The Man With The Golden Gun; 16. Diamonds Are Forever

Favourite Bond girl: 1. Carey Lowell/Pam; 2. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 3. Diana Rigg/Tracy; 4. Carole Bouquet/Melina; 5. Barbara Bach/Anya; 6. Maud Adams/Octopussy 7. Mie Hama/Kissy; 8. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 9. Ursula Andress/Honey; 10. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 11. Maryam D'Abo/Kara; 12. Lois Chiles/Holly; 13. Honor Blackman/Pussy; 14. Tanya Roberts/Stacy; 15. Britt Ekland/Mary; 16. Jill St John/Tiffany

Favourite Bond villain: 1. Robert Davi/Sanchez; 2. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 3. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 4. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 5. Jeroen Krabbe & Joe Don Baker/Koskov & Whittaker; 6. Christopher Walken/Zorin; 7. Louis Jordan & Steven Berkov/Kahn & Orlov 8. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 9. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 10. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 11. Julian Glover/Kristatos; 12. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 13. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 14. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 15. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 16. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

The Big Over Easy

I do like novels that are a little bit quirky and pose the question "what if the extraordinary was actually ordinary?". I liked the Anita Blake novels for exactly this reason, primarly because the idea of vampires sitting side by side with us in our world is a curious one. Equally in The Big Over Easy, the idea that literary characters are real and their universe exists besides ours is also intriguing. Humpty Dumpty has been murdered - apparently, although it does appear to be a suicide. DI Jack Spratt and his new DS Mary Mary are determined to find the real killer, but the famous DCI Friedland Chymes wants the case so he can have another brilliant write up in the papers that tell the stories of famous detectives. However, the Nursery Crimes Division of the Reading Police Department is not in favour - mainly due to their inablity to prosecute the three little pigs for the murder of the big, bad wolf - and so Spratt and Mary have little time to prove their case. All of this is complicated further by Mary wanting to be out of the NCD and in Chymes' little army, meaning she is more than a little open to temptation.

Come on, you can't not like the concept. Because, don't get me wrong, this is no kid's book. This is a proper adult novel, written about kids' things and that just makes it all the more fascinating. The ultimate revelation of what happened to Humpty is both very, very clever, and yet so obvious you can't help but wonder why it's never been written about before. Equally clever is the fact that Spratt and Mary, despite amazed at the idea that nursery rhyme characters aren't aware of their fictious existance, are just as unaware of their own less than factual lives.

I genuinely enjoyed this novel. It's full of great twists and turns, and great characters, with references to such a variety of literature that it's almost a certainty that I missed a great deal of it.

"A"

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Reunion (Season 7)

Logan and Wheeler are back to investigate the murder of a late night television host and, rather entertainingly, this case actually has them doing a little more work than usual. The episode actually feels like a proper 42 minute script, rather than the law half of a Law & Order episode that has been extended to fit the bill. Bring on, then, a whole host of suspects, and a whole host of motives including paedophilia. And, to add to all of that, Wheeler gets to meet her hero who is, apparently, Jordie Black, lead singer of The Twisted Strands, a rock group in the 70's - although as Black himself points out, she wouldn't have been old enough to have ever actually seen them perform. It's a nice little touch to Wheeler's character that makes me all the more grateful she has returned.

Outside of the characterisation (and no one really makes an impression, although Joan Jett gives quite a memorable performance for a character who dies in the pretitle sequence) the rest of the episode is fairly workmanlike, and just generally entertaining.

"B"

NCIS: Capitol Offense (Season Six)

NCIS takes a leaf out of Law & Order's textbooks and we see a random couple discovering the body of the deceased in the pretitle sequence. Following that it takes about four minutes after the appearance of the murderer to realise who it is. Which, I suppose, makes for a pretty pointless episode of NCIS, but at the end of the day, all television shows get a little formulaic and as such it doesn't take too long to work out exactly what the formula is. If that means discovering the identity of a killer, I suppose that becomes the easy part. But then, apparently it takes some people very short time to work out a murderer in Agatha Christie.

Lo and behold, Gibbs' past comes back to haunt him as an old friend is forced to contact him and confess that he was having an affair with the victim and as he is a senator attempting to get an energy bill through, he is rather desperate to keep his name out of the public records until that bill goes through. Gibbs agrees and withholds everything from his team and from Vance, which seems somewhat uncharacteristic of him, though he later brings it straight to Vance when it becomes clear that they have little choice but to give up his evidence.

Meanwhile the rest of the team is at their entertaining best - DiNozzo confesses that he became a cop because he was nosy; Ziva gets the chance to play sex kitten; McGee falls afoul of Tony again and gets drenched in sewage; Vance is proving to be less and less of a thorn in Gibbs' side, and certainly seems to have a desire to build bridges; Ducky puts in a token appearance and actually says that he feels unneeded - the audience is feeling a similar thing, to be honest; and finally Abby undergoes a complete forensic investigation to discover who stole her chocolate muffin. This last plot thread is the highlight of the episode and produces some great moments as she attempts to gather the evidence.

It's a well made episode, but there is nothing to make it stand up and make you want to cheer.

"B-"

The Living Daylights

It's the dawning of a new age for James Bond, heralded by a brand new gunbarrel sequence which is easily the best the series has ever seen - new Bond, Timothy Dalton has the "swing to camera" down perfect, and John Barry's theme means the gunshot occurs at precisely the moment it feels it should. A good sign or just lucky?

The pretitle sequence kicks off with a mini adventure that hides new Bond until 002 is murdered by a steely faced imposter 00, and as Bond is scared by monkeys (has John Glen gone mad? It's supposed to be pigeons that get disturbed by Bond!) he chases down the imposter - to easily the best incidental version of the James Bond theme ever - has a car chase where he is on the car, and drives off a cliff, parasailing down to a boat where our new Bond utters his first lines: "I need to use your phone". Weird? Maybe, but Timothy Dalton proves that he is perfect casting for Bond before the title song even kicks in. He's fought a villain, had a mini adventure, and gotten a girl.

In truth, Dalton shows a perfect style throughout the entire movie. Moore finally agreed to end his stint (did he just hang around to be the longest running Bond?) and Dalton was offered the role, but was unable to take it, so it went to Pierce Brosnan, who filmed the gunbarrel and was then mucked around with the producers of Remmington Steele, forcing Brosnan to leave, by which stage original choice Dalton was available again, and so Tim gets the job, and proves that he was the perfect choice. The script for "The Living Daylights" was written with Roger Moore in mind, and there is a good level of humour that Dalton manages to deliver in a way that is not quite so knowing as Moore's style. However, Dalton brings two extra things to the role - firstly a true relationship with the Bond girl that Moore really only managed to create once with Octopussy. Bond clearly cares about Kara Milovy and has her best interests at heart. Secondly, Dalton's Bond is clearly a dangerous man. When Saunders is killed, Dalton brings a true tension to Bond, a viciousness that shows he will not be pushed around. It's these tense moments that give Dalton's Bond a different edge to his predecessors, making him more like Connery than Moore, but turning the dial up just a little more. In fact, in many ways, Dalton is Bond the way Ian Fleming imagined him to be - a hired assassin who takes no real joy in his job, but is prepared to execute it ruthlessly. With Dalton taking over from Moore, some of the former Bondisms have returned; Bond once again asks for his martinis shaken not stirred and he is smoking cigarettes again (in fact I don't think Moore has smoked since Moonraker).

All the regular characters are back - Robert Brown's "M" works a whole lot better against the younger Dalton, and the relationship between Bond and "M" is more in the style of Lee and Connery the way that Terence Young created it. "M" tolerates his best agent but wont accept him disobeying orders. Desmond Llewellyn gets a little more to do in the movie, with "Q" showing up in the opening sequence to help Bond in General Giyogi Koskov's defection. Geoffrey Keen and Walter Gotell return as the Defence Minister and General Gogol, but both appear for a very, very short time this movie - in Gotell's case it was because of his poor health. But, with Moore's departure, the wise decision was taken to recast Miss Moneypenny - now the beautiful blonde Caroline Bliss, who is more like Penelope Smallbone in Octopussy than the Moneypenny we remember. Also, after a considerable absence, we get the return of Felix Leiter, but sadly he is portrayed by John Terry and there is absolutely no conviction in the performance and no chemistry with Dalton. It's easily the worst casting of the movie.

There are a lot of similarities to Octopussy in this movie, actually. Aside from those mentioned, the short story "The Living Daylights" appears in the movie, although in this instance the opening sequence is essentially the short story; it's not just recounted. Equally we get two villains in the movie - the super suave Yogi Koskov played by Jeroen Krabbe and American arms dealer Brad Whitter, played by Joe Don Baker. Both play their parts excellently, although Krabbe's accent is truly bizarre, starting off as a bizarre Russian before ultimately becoming standard European. This may, though, be deliberate to show Koskov deceiving the English at the beginning of the movie. Baker gets a few short scenes before the final showdown at the end of the movie, and we get to see a great gunbattle.

Maryam D'Abo plays the only Bond girl for the movie (if you discount Linda in the pretitle sequence) and she plays a very naive and, well, pretty useless character. That said, and to be fair, she is a musician, not a secret agent, and it's perhaps no great surprise that she can't really hold her own in a fight against a Russian soldier. However, the fact is that she is very beautiful and easily likable, and that makes it very easy to like her. That said, Dalton gives a great performance when Bond is trying to communicate to Kara to drive her jeep onto the Hercules jet - the look on his face is priceless.

Their are a whole range of brilliant characters in this movie, all brought to life by some exceptional actors and actresses. Villainous henchman Necros is portrayed by former ballet dancer Andreas Wisniewski, and aside from a disturbingly blank performance by the actor in question (so blank he appears not to feel pain, although it's never really confirmed if that is the case), the direction and editing makes him even more scarier; a brilliant move is to have the Pretenders' song "Where Has Everybody Gone" constantly playing on Necros' walkman, meaning we hear Necros before we see him. Thomas Wheatley plays Saunders, Bond's contact in Czechoslovaki; initially a hindrance to Bond's activities, he ultimately comes through for Bond when he realises that Koskov has duped them in faking his defection. There's a very good chemistry between Dalton and Wheatley (in fact if only this had been the relationship between Bond and Leiter...) and Bond's anger at Saunders death seems completely believable and one can't join in the desire for revenge Bond gets. Finally, John Rhys Davies plays the new KGB boss General Leonard Pushkin (initially this character was supposed to be General Gogol, but Gotell's health meant that was impossible - as a consequence Bond and "M" both appear to know this new General very well, despite us never seeing him before) and again there is a great relationship between Bond and Pushkin that makes the relationship very believable. The scene where Bond threatens to kill Pushkin in order to discover what Koskov is doing is very, very tense. One of the things that the Bond films has done really well is to show the KGB chiefs - be it Gogol or Pushkin - as sensible humans, rather than ruthless psychotics.

Outside of casting there are a whole lot of other great things that make this movie. John Glen who has revitalised the Bond series seems to have gotten a bit more inspiration with a new Bond (and he does disturb those pigeons!), and so there is a whole lot of new things going on, including the return of the Aston Martin - now a Volante - chock full of gadgets. Indeed there seem to be far more gadgets in this movie than in the last three movies, but all are used rather well, and Bond doesn't seem to rely on them particularly. The fight scenes are particularly effective in this movie, from a brilliant opening fight between Necros and a MI6 butler (and it's great to see that he isn't a pushover; clearly MI6 train all their agents well, no matter what position they hold) to a rather disturbing fight at a jail in Afghanistan, and two great fights at the end - one between Bond and Necros in midair, and the shootout between Bond and Whittaker. All the locales are exotic and shot very beautifully - be they Vienna, Czechoslovakia, Tangiers (although with the morning wailing I was put in the mind of the Pink Panther films for a moment). The script is particularly well written with some wonderful lines for everybody in the film, and a very complex plot; possibly the most complex of all the Bond films (think about it...it's not as staightforward as it appears). And, of course, Kara says "Oh, James" at the end of the movie, wrapping everything up nicely.

I have no complaints with this movie, so I don't have bits and bobs to mention, but I would like to make note of the music in this film. The Living Daylights is performed by a-Ha, and we've already mentioned that the Pretenders perform Where Has Everybody Gone; but it's also worth noting that for the first time we get a special closing song - If There Was A Man, again performed by the Pretenders. These three themes all appear in John Barry's incidental music which is the best score he has ever written for a Bond film. I've already mentioned his amazing Bond theme, but music like that which accompanies Bond and Kara's journey to the Muhajadin's headquarters is simply sumptious. It's perhaps appropriate, then, that Barry actually gets to make a cameo appearance in the film as the conductor of Kara's orchestra at the end.

After twenty-five years, and fifteen Bond films, the producers have shown that, not only have they not lost originality, but they are at the top of their game. This is the best Bond movie ever.

Favourite Bond: 1. Timothy Dalton; 2. Roger Moore; 3. Sean Connery; 4. George Lazenby
Favourite movie order: 1. The Living Daylights; 2. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 3. Dr No; 4. A View To A Kill; 5. Live And Let Die; 6. Thunderball; 7. For Your Eyes Only/Octopussy 8. The Spy Who Loved Me; 9. From Russia, With Love; 10. Goldfinger; 11. You Only Live Twice; 12. Moonraker; 13. The Man With The Golden Gun; 14. Diamonds Are Forever
Favourite Bond girl: 1. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 2. Diana Rigg/Tracy; 3. Carole Bouquet/Melina; 4. Barbara Bach/Anya; 5. Maud Adams/Octopussy 6. Mie Hama/Kissy; 7. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 8. Ursula Andress/Honey; 9. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 10. Maryam D'Abo/Kara; 11. Lois Chiles/Holly; 12. Honor Blackman/Pussy; 13. Tanya Roberts/Stacy; 14. Britt Ekland/Mary; 15. Jill St John/Tiffany
Favourite Bond villain: 1. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 2. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 3. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 4. Jeroen Krabbe & Joe Don Baker/Koskov & Whittaker; 5. Christopher Walken/Zorin; 6. Louis Jordan & Steven Berkov/Kahn & Orlov 7. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 8. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 9. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 10. Julian Glover/Kristatos; 11. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 12. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 13. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 14. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 15. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Please Note We are No Longer Accepting Letters of Recommendation from Henry Kissinger (Season Seven)

Goren's back to being clean shaven, and Eames has apparently forgotten why she was bitching and moaning about Goren not telling her about being undercover, so it looks as though the reset switch has been hit and the two detectives are back to being the way they were. Thank god, let's hope it's never brought up again.
Sadly, even though the pretitle sequence has gone back to being edited in the usual fashion, without any of the ridiculous decorations that usually precede a Goren episode, the rest of the episode is a bit ordinary. A person is killed, Goren and Eames go down the wrong path. A second is killed, and the detectives head down another route, but this one is wrong as well. A third one is murdered and this time they get the right motive. Lucky it wasn't too complicated, otherewise another few people would have to die before the Goren would work it out.

What's the most frustrating thing about this episode is that again Goren is being used as just a standard detective. The whole point of Goren was he was a Sherlock Holmes type character, able to pick up on small clues that no one else would see. Nowadays all he does is just go...oh, that guy had a gay lover...maybe it was him. Nope. Well maybe the two had a connection...yup, but it's not that...

I don't mind this kind of investigation, but not on Law & Order: Criminal Intent. When I want standard police procedure, I watch Law & Order. Criminal Intent seems to have almost jumped the shark, and I hope that the promise of next year's changes will bring the series back to where it is supposed to be.

"C+"

The Sarah Jane Adventures: The Day Of The Clown (Series 2)

So Maria has moved on. What a shame. She was very engaging and added a certain something to the show.
There is something inherently disturbing about clowns and the appearance of the clown in the pre-title sequence, freaking out the kids, is quite disturbing, and I have to agree with Sarah Jane when she claims to find them skin-crawling. Very, very true. As choice of villain in "The Day Of The Clown" the clown is a great villain, but what's even more interesting is when we discover that it is, in fact, the Pied Piper of Hamlin. Doctor Who has always benefitted from shamelessly pillaging from other sources, and it's great to see that Sarah Jane Adventures has no qualms in doing exactly the same thing.

But, of course, the main thrust of this episode is not so much to battle clowns, but to meet the person who is essentially Maria's replacement, not only in Sarah's life, but also quite literally in the house across the street. The Chandra family have moved in and to the dismay of Clyde, the father is their new head teacher. Rani Chandra, however, has a profound effect on Clyde, who falls for her quite instantly, but it is her fascination with the unknown and unexplained that intrigues Luke, who is still mourning the departure of Maria. Rani is, if anything, even more likeable than Maria, and has a keen mind, able to work out on her own, exactly what Sarah Jane has already worked out.

OK, so how coincidental is it that Sarah Jane should meet another young lady who happens to be in exactly the same headspace as her? Well, very, but let's face it, this is a kid's show.

"A"

Ultimate Power

The Ultimate Marvel universe is a pretty small place when all things are considered. There's the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, Spider-Man and the Ultimates and they are all based in New York. There are a few other vigilantes floating around - Daredevil, Dr Strange, Moon Knight...but surprise, surprise, they all hang around New York as well. So it's something of a surprise to think that until know all those heroes haven't met up together at the same time. Oh, sure, most of them were there for Gah Lak Tus, but Spider-Man was noticeably absent. Ultimate Power sees that small place show it's constraints as the groups finally do come together, and yet strangely enough the universe itself is opened up as another dimension bursts into Earth-1610.

I decided to do a bit of background reading on the Squadron Supreme before they showed up in Ultimate Power, and was a little surprised to find that they had faced the Avengers earlier, although the Squadron that turns up in Ultimate Power are a parallel version of that. In fact, it seems that this Squadron is a bit of a spoof of the DC Justice League. Hyperion being Superman, Blur being Flash, Princess Power being Wonder Woman, etc. That said, though, Supreme Power is a comic aimed at adults and the Ultimate Universe is a more grown up version of the standard Marvel Universe, so if Supreme Power was ever going to cross over with anything, the ultimate universe would be it.

Brian Michael Bendis, who is essentially the architect of the Ultimate universe, writes the first three issues of this series and, aside from completely shagging Ultimate continuity (seriously, does Bendis even remotely keep track of what is happening in the X-Men?) he provides us with the set up for the story and essentially tells us what is happening from the Ultimate point of view. Which means that, when things go over to the Power universe, it's appropriate that J Michael Straczynski takes over as the architect of that dimension.

It must have been hard for both of these writers not to show their particular heroes as being just a little better than the other team, and certainly Straczynski is a little guilty of this - the Squadron Supreme seemingly able to easily hold their own against all the heroes of the Ultimate universe, which is just a little unbelievable. Bendis, on the other hand, shows the Squadron losing, but blames it on the dimensional jump, which is a little fairer.

As the story progresses - Reed Richards being accused of essentially destroying the Power universe, but in fact being manipulated unwittingly by both, and independent of each other, Emil Burbank and Nick Fury; Fury being in league with Dr Doom. It's something of a surprise to find that Doom is back, and is never really explained but perhaps that's just one of the conceits of comic books.

For the last three issues, Jeph Loeb takes over the writing task, and Loeb is perhaps best remembered for such wonderful things as DC's Hush in which he manages to bring virtually every villain who ever looked sideways at Batman into a battle with the Dark Knight. Given the amount of people in this comic (and bearing in mind that towards the end of the series there is not one, but two Squadron Supremes!) Loeb seems like a good choice to wrap this up, and Loeb does seem to treat them fairly. What is perhaps the best part about the whole comic is that Fury has a back up plan in his attack on the Power Universe, and that backup plan is to release the Hulk. I love the fact that in the Ultimate universe, the Hulk is the worst thing there. Never mind criminal masterminds like Doom and Magneto - once the unstoppable and cannabilistic Hulk is unleashed, everyone stops to take notice.

All in all the series is a great read. With so many characters, though, it's fairly obvious that some characters are going to suffer a little, but what actually happens is that most of the characters just fill up the background. From the Squadron, happily Hyperion, Power Princess and Doctor Spectrum all get stuff to do, while everyone else just fights. From the Ultimate universe, however, Spider-Man, Mr Fantastic, Shadowcat, Invisible Woman, the Thing, Captain America, Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch all get parts to play, while everyone else just plays in teh background. It's almost inevitable that this will happen, however, so I suppose that you have to be aware going into the comic.
Greg Land's art, however, is really good, and I love his takes on the FF and Carol Danvers in particular. Land has a great way of drawing the women in the comic and they all end up looking stunning.

All in all, continuity aside, the comic ends up working really well and is an enjoyable read.

"B+"

NCIS: Agent Afloat (Season Six)

At the end of the last episode there was the vague feeling that Gibbs' team had been reassembled, but as we discover this week that is not the case, and poor old DiNozzo is still stuck out at sea on a ship where he is less than popular being the only person policing the navy. Someone's suicide, however, brings him back into contact with his old team and despite Vance determined to stick him out at sea (Gibbs' belief being that Vance is punishing DiNozzo is ultimately challenged by Vance, which does beg the question why did he bother to send DiNozzo away?) DiNozzo finds he is able to get some land time investigating the drug angle of the case.

Last season I felt that DiNozzo had begun to suffer as a character, not just in him becoming little more than the 'party guy' of the team, but also in the fact that he was more often than not given absolutely nothing to do. The great thing about DiNozzo in the earlier seasons was that he was the 'party guy' but he continually surprised Kate and McGee by getting his job done quickly and efficiently without either of them seeing it happen. This episode reminds us that DiNozzo is the senior agent of the team for a reason, and even if McGee and Ziva can't be bothered to show him the respect he deserves, Gibbs most certainly does. DiNozzo's addressing of Gibbs as Dad is a nice touch that, for the character, is probably more true than he would care to admit.

The rest of the case is relatively straightforward and uses the "incidental character who we see for a scene" killer as opposed to having some sort of logical raionale and deductable case. Poor old Ducky is given even less to do than he has been in the last few episodes, this week barely doing anything more than putting in a cameo appearance, while Abby is in a similar position, though at least she gets more character interaction with DiNozzo to make up for it. Vance is becoming increasingly more amiable and less shadowy, which is nice, but does rather mock his shredding of the document in his record. Hopefully this will be brought up again rather than ignored.

Two episodes into the new season and it has yet to set a foot wrong, and certainly pushing in a better direction that the last season.

"B+"

A View To A Kill

OK, so let's get this over with straight away. Roger Moore is now clearly waaaaayyy too old to be playing Bond. When Bond meets with "M", it's more than a little embarrassing that Bond looks older than his boss, even if he actually isn't. Equally, we see old man Bond, old man "M", old man "Q", old man Defence Minister, old biddy Moneypenny and joined by old man Tibbet - it's like the pensioners are out to fight the good fight. However, as I cringed during Never Say Never Again while Bond got it on with a woman twenty years his junior, it's impossible not to feel the same about Moore and Tanya Roberts.

And, let's accept that fact that this movie is pretty much the plot of Goldfinger, with Goldfinger replaced by Zorin; Oddjob replaced by Mayday; gold replaced by microchips and irradiating Fort Knox becomes destroying Silicon Valley. That said, though, it's not like a story hasn't been recycled in the Bond movies.

So with that out of the way, I have to say I love A View To A Kill. I think, perhaps, the thing that impressed me the most about this movie is that, after twenty-three years of Bond movies, after thirteen films, you might think that the fourteenth just wouldn't have anywhere to go. And yet there is a great deal of originality in this movie, perhaps stemming from the fact that Michael G Wilson now moves into the producer's chair alongside his stepfather. The stuntwork on the movies continues to get better and better, with the Eifel Tower high dive of particular note. Equally the horse chase sequence is notable for so many reasons - the first being the aforementioned originality (I wonder why this has never been thought of before), the second being the fact that at the end of it Zorin calmly points out that he knows exactly who he is - no more stupid Bond/villain games in this film - and Bond about to leap into the car, only to discover that Tibbet is dead is very, very well played.

It's worth pointing out that, aside from his age, Moore is still on great form as Bond. He plays the part perfectly in this movie, giving Bond the humour and the deadly seriousness that is required. His relationship with Tibbet is laid back and well played, clearly stemming from the good relationship Moore and Macnee shared off set. Equally, after Tibbet's death, Bond is very, very serious and the cold delivery of his lines to Walken is brilliantly played. If it wasn't for his age, I actually feel at this point that I don't want Moore to stop playing the role.

Desmond Llewellyn and Lois Maxwell are back for their traditional cameos, which are wonderful as always (although Moneypenny, like Bond, is also getting on a bit. It's difficult to see how she will be able to carry the role on if Moore leaves), but this movie actually allows Robert Brown to stamp his mark on "M". With the Minister having very little screen time, "M" goes back to the position he used to play and his chance to go to Ascot gives him a great chance to establish his "M". The other regular - Gogol - also turns in an appearance, and as usual his character has something slightly different to do, visiting Zorin who is a KGB agent and there's a great moment where a fight breaks out and Walter Gotell establishes the strength and authority of his character.

So with all this talk of him, it's time to note Christopher Walken's performance as the villain Max Zorin. Walken has an unusual performance style, one I once saw described as Walken taking the punctuation out of all his lines. Here it seems completely true, with Walken's delivery boardering on the positively bizarre, but he still gets all the best lines in the film. What's great about Zorin is that he is completely psychotic. Walken shows the character is completely over the edge from little touches like his facial acting when he is described as psychotic, to the smile he gives just before he slips off the Golden Gate bridge. Walken ends up being completely enthralling and one of the best Bond villains to date.

The funny thing is that if someone suggested a movie starring Christopher Walken and Grace Jones, you'd have to sit there and go...yesss.... Conversely, though, if anyone's offbeat acting can counterbalance anyone else's, it's most definitely Walken and Jones. Tall, black and muscular, Grace Jones is not the typical Bond girl, or villain's henchman, yet, she works so well, particularly against Zorin. Backed up by Patrick Bachau as the creepy Scarpine and the extremely beautiful Alison Doody as Jenny Flex (I can't gush enough about this woman - as a young lad I was madly in love with her), Zorin's got a nice little army in the style of Mr Big in Live And Let Die.

Another great performance is Patrick Macnee as Sir Godfrey Tibbet (and thankfully we get no "Sir Tibbet"'s in this movie like the abominable "Sir Havelock" in For Your Eyes Only). As I said earlier, Macnee and Moore were clearly good friends offset and this helps the relationship between Bond and Tibbet no end. At the end of the day Macnee seems to be playing, essentially, Avenger John Steed (and let's face it, to the fans of Bond and The Avengers this makes it almost a dream come true), but the character he is given is pretty much Steed so there is no real issue here.

Not working quite so well, though, is Tanya Roberts who delivers a fairly lacklustre and passionless performance as Stacy Stutton. As usual John Glen makes Bond less of a guy who uses women as his pawns, and so Moore attempts to give Bond's relationship with Stacy a little bit of depth, but it's very hard when he's playing against someone who is not quite so interested in giving the same kind of depth. Although she is very beautiful, she is in a movie with a group of girls who are all extremely attractive, and when Fiona Fullerton can not only look beautiful but give her cameo appearance as KGB agent Pola Ivanova a great deal of depth, especially given it is an ultimately unnecessary part; Roberts needs far more than beauty to get by.

Looking at other aspects of the production; John Barry gives a wonderful score for AVTAK which, while not having the originality of Octopussy, still has a great deal of style, and is helped out no end by a fantastically brilliant title song from Duran Duran. Duran Duran and Barry working together on the theme clearly inspired both sides of the deal, and Barry, of course, was able to use the theme throughout the movie. My favourite example of this is the fanfare version when Bond rescues Stacy from the burning Town Hall - although enough of people drinking wine when Bond does incredible things!

DP Alan Hume has his work cut out for him given that there are virtually no real exotic locales to play with - it's set in San Francisco and...er...well, there's that bit in the Arctic at the beginning... In spite of that, you never get the feeling that the movie lacks that certain Bondian setting that you got in Diamonds Are Forever. And with Peter Lamont apparently having studied very well under Ken Adam, the production design is quite astounding. What is the most amazing is the mine set at the end which is simply massive and allows Glen and Hume to shoot from so many angles that the set looks even more amazing.

Glen's direction is absolutely outstanding in this film and so with things like the Golden Gate fight (note the performances not just of Moore and Walken but also Bachau and Willoughby Gray) and the mine massacre (which is actually quite disturibing) the film stands out from the other Bond movies by showing us that Glen is still full of ideas for the series.

And so it's to the bits and bobs part of the review. If Moore is going to continue to play Bond it's about time they reshot the gunbarrel logo - Bond is still in flares! Why do the guards immediately start shooting at Bond in the pretitle sequence? Is that just standard Russian policy? And the "California Girls" is perhaps a little misjudged. The decision to insult the French so soon after the Indians is perhaps also misjudged. Given that Zorin doesn't know who Bond is until he meets him the day after Bond arrives, why is everyone so mistrustful of "St John Smythe" when he immediately arrives? Equally, surely Zorin's residence would have video surveillance as well as audio (in fact there is a bank of monitors in the surveillance room) - why did Bond and Tibbet think that just a recorded conversation would be good cover? And clearly "Oh, James" is now going to be the standard ending to the Bond films...not sure if that's a good thing though...and the next movie is? Well, we don't know. But...James Bond Will Return.

Favourite Bond: 1. Roger Moore; 2. Sean Connery; 3. George Lazenby
Favourite movie order: 1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service; 2. Dr No; 3. A View To A Kill; 4. Live And Let Die; 5. Thunderball; 6. For Your Eyes Only/Octopussy 7. The Spy Who Loved Me; 8. From Russia, With Love; 9. Goldfinger; 10. You Only Live Twice; 11. Moonraker; 12. The Man With The Golden Gun; 13. Diamonds Are Forever
Favourite Bond girl: 1. Claudine Auger/Dominio; 2. Diana Rigg/Tracy; 3. Carole Bouquet/Melina; 4. Barbara Bach/Anya; 5. Maud Adams/Octopussy 6. Mie Hama/Kissy; 7. Daniela Bianchi/Tanya; 8. Ursula Andress/Honey; 9. Jane Seymour/Solitaire; 10. Lois Chiles/Holly; 11. Honor Blackman/Pussy; 12. Tanya Roberts/Stacy; 13. Britt Ekland/Mary; 14. Jill St John/Tiffany
Favourite Bond villain: 1. Donald Pleasance/Blofeld; 2. Gert Frobe/Goldfinger; 3. Christopher Lee/Scaramanga; 4. Christopher Walken/Zorin; 5. Louis Jordan & Steven Berkov/Kahn & Orlov 6. Adolfo Celi/Largo; 7. Michael Lonsdale/Drax; 8. Yaphet Kotto/Mr Big-Dr Kananga; 9. Julian Glover/Kristatos; 10. Joseph Wiseman/Dr No; 11. Lotte Lenya/Klebb; 12. Telly Savalas/Blofeld; 13. Charles Gray/Blofeld; 14. Curt Jurgens/Stromberg

Never Say Never Again

Remakes are notorioiusly dodgy territory as you can almost be dead certain that at least half your audience will hate it because it's not like the original. If it's not at least as good as the original then you've lost the rest of them. Kevin McClory, at the end of the day actually only having the rights to Thunderball, was a little limited in his choice of Bond movie to remake and choosing one of the best remembered is always going to be a bad thing, regardless of whom you have playing Bond.

It's interesting to see just how much of a difference Roger Moore had made to the Bond movies. The general audience will sit down in front of Never Say Never Again and, aside from briefly pondering why it doesn't have the Bond theme, the gunbarrel logo and Roger Moore, will move on and see a standard Bond movie. However, the fact is that Roger Moore has changed audience expectations of what a Bond movie is. Sean Connery may be returning to the world of Bond, but he is not playing the character he played in the sixties. This Bond is a bizarre amalgam of Moore's Bond and a caricature of his own Bond. He is even smoking cigars instead of cigarettes! Additionally Connery has aged considerably since "the day" but strangly enough he looks better in this than he did in Diamonds Are Forever.

Obviously the plot of this movie is essentially the same as the plot of Thunderball (although there is a vague insinuation that this is a continuation of the previous Bond movies - the new "M" is acknowledged as not being the same as the one Bond knew in the sixties, and he already knows of Shrublands - but as a consequence of this, Dr Evil's line "let's just steal a couple of nuclear bombs and hold the world to ransome like we usually do" is more on the money than would initially appear) but a lot of things are rearranged and a few of the characters have been a little altered - most notably the inclusion of Fatima Blush who replaces Fiona Volpe and Count Lippe in a slight tightening of the script that works quite well - in terms of tightening, more on Fatima later.

So while Sean Connery attempts to channel Roger Moore, the rest of the regular characters are, obviously, also recast. Edward Fox becomes the new "M", setting this movie at the end of the Eon series. Fox mumbles his way though the movie in a performance that is truly misjudged. By the end of the movie he offers Bond the reward of going to his club. The excitement must never stop at "M"'s home. "Q", or Algy as he is now known, is Alec McCowan, a cold ridden, Michael Caine-sounding armourer who has all the gadgets at his disposal (another change from Thunderball thanks to the Moore movies), while Pamela Salem delivers a vapid Moneypenny. In defiance of the idea of people having static skin colour, Felix Leiter is played by Bernie Casey, a black actor. Regardless of not looking like the character, Casey delivers the best performance of the movie and is perfectly cast - craps all over Norman Burton.
Annoyingly, but to be expected of course, is the fact that all characters have been seen before and therefore you can't help but compare them. Max Von Sydow actually is seen as Blofeld, still with his white cat, but sadly he lacks any of the threat of his predecessors; indeed he even manages to make Charles Gray's performance look good - at least Gray had charisma. Klaus Maria Brandeaur plays Max Largo - a name change from Emilio - and while he also lacks the suave menace of Adolfo Celi, at least he delivers a completely difference performance; more of a "man of the people" style of villain with an uncontrollable anger. Kim Basinger takes over the role of Domino (Petachi rather than Vitalli) and while she looks good (though nowhere near as stunning as Claudine Auger) she is a bit of a whiner. Rather curiously the character is now a dancer - apparently for Hot Gossip - who wears see-thru leotard, which is a little embarrassing for all. In fact the movie is overly sexist, highlighted by not only the see-thru leotard, but also Basinger wearing sexy silk pyjamas at the climax and a bikini at the end.

Barbara Carrera is Fatima Blush who, as noted earlier, takes over from both Fiona and Lippe (although a character called Lippe does appear but does nothing that the original did). Fatima appears to be an egotistical dominatrix who is certifiable and completely ineffective, managing to not kill Bond so many times it's not funny. It's not as even though she actually comes close on many occasions.

Rounding out the cast is Rowan Atkinson as the comic relief character of Nigel Small-Fawcett (yes...you read that right). Rowan does a good job, and is quite funny, but the character just doesn't seem right in the movie. There are, really, overly too many in-jokes in the movie, ranging from Algy's hope that now Connery is back there will be more gratuitous sex and violence to Connery's wink at the camera at the end after being told to never say never.

Curiously, in light of the fact that McClory has the rights to the movie version only of Thunderball, there seems to be a few more swings back to the novel - Bond drives a Bentley and Largo is number one rather than Blofeld. However greater changes include the introduction of remote-controlled sharks (welcome back, Dr Evil) and Bond and Largo playing a computer game called Domination instead of Baccarat. The computer game is a pretty stupid idea (though curiously at one point, Bond activates his "shield" which spirals in on his face recalling the Eon gunbarrel logo) and it's hard to imagine why anyone could stand up and say, without anyone raising an eyebrow, that he has devised a computer game which could kill the players. Bond wins - as he is supposed to - and then dances with Domino (as opposed to buying her a drink in the original). This is a tango which is so completely out of place in a Bond film it's not funny.

And this brings me to the music of the film which is incredibly corny, and used in a very strange manner. The Shrublands fight suffers on many levels, but the chief one is that there is no music to it (while we're on the topic the other reasons include people cheering a fight on TV which mirrors the real life fight - it was dumb in Octopussy it's dumb here - and Bond winning by throwing his urine sample into the face of his opponent). Frankly, the music gets off to a terrible start with a very eighties, but unmemorable, theme song and then proceeds through the cheesy music of Michael LeGrand.

Overall there is not much else to recommend the film. The photography is nice, but not exciting, and even Ricou Browning seems to have lost some of his flair for the underwater filming. The sets are particularly uninspiring, and while the Flying Saucer may be physically more impressive than the Disco Volante, it's certainly not visually. It's really hard to believe that the director of this film is the same guy who directed The Empire Strikes Back.
And we get to the final scene, which essentially sums up the movie - Sean Connery lounging around and doing bugger all except moaning what a Bond movie is supposed to be like (I usually have a martini, he moans, to wit the audience are thinking much the same). It's hard to be understand why McClory bothered to do a Bond movie, but given that Roger Moore can make a scene where he defuses a nuclear bomb dressed as a clown one of the tensest things you'll see; and Sean Connery can't make a brilliant script into a hugely entertaining film; it's easy to see why Octopussy beat Never Say Never Again at the box office.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Assassin (Season Seven)

When I found out that the Torchwood episode "They Keep Killing Suzie" had to be shot to a complicated timetable because Indira Varma was shooting in America, I thought, why did she bother? What on Earth is she doing in America? Who knows what she was doing at the time, but how delighted was I when she turned up in tonight's episode? Extremely.

Clearly she is supposed to be playing Benazir Bhutto, although I don't think many people would be happy at the possible allusion that Bhutto was a cold killer who planned the murder of her brother in order to get the family fortune. But as they are obviously not the same person, I suppose CI has got itself out of a nasty lawsuit.

Once again I have to say how obvious it is that Chris Noth gets on well with Julianne Nicholson, as the Logan/Wheeler pair is easily the best of Logan's various partnerships, and the relaxed byplay between the two is getting as good as the happier days of the Goren/Eames relationship (you know - back when it seemed Goren was the senior detective and they actually liked each other). This was an extremely entertaining episode, and while it didn't really get you thinking very much (but let's face it, CI rarely does that these days) it did keep me entertained for a good 42 minutes.

"A-"

The Sarah Jane Adventures: The Last Sontaran (Series Two)

After a disappointing Torchwood (that being series one, not two) The Sarah Jane Adventures made me very happy, and I think the thing that made it better was that it wasn't trying too hard. It embraced it's relationship with Doctor Who and it wasn't scared to acknowledge where it came from. As a result, with series two of TSJA now on our screens, it's great to see that the first episode (or episodes more accurately) are actually a sequel to the Doctor Who story The Sontaran Strategem - and given that the Sontarans were the first aliens that Sarah Jane ever encountered, and were one of the few she met twice, it's nice to have them on TSJA because it gives Sarah that wonderful fearful reaction when she sees them. You know that a villain is scary if the heroes are scared.

All the usual line up are back for this little two-parter - Clyde and Luke clearly best friends, while Mr Smith has become something of a joker, extremely dubious at Sarah's suggestion that the lights in the sky are aliens. Maria and her family are also back, but it's a one off as Alan gets a job in America and leaves. I have to say that it's great that Maria gets a proper leaving story; it would have been devastating if she'd just not been on screen for this season with a passing reference as to why she left.

Speaking of passing references, there were some great continuity references to, not only the Doctor Who series we are watching, but also to the past; notice that Kaargh had gren blood? Huh, did ya? You didn't? Oh, you didn't care. I get it...

Anyway, what a wonderful little two part episode to kick off the new series, and aside from a rather interesting Sontaran in the form of Kaargh, who gets to grumble and shout "Sontar-ha!" a lot, we also get two great performances from Professor Skinner and his daughter Lucy. Ronan Vibert (Skinner) bears a startling resemblance to Alan Rickman - except he's a lot younger - but Clare Thomas, aside from being quite hot, gives a great performance as Lucy. I have to admit that I was hankering for Lucy to become a series regular at the end, even though I knew she wouldn't.

I'm desperately looking forward to the rest of this season, and can't help but think that in some ways TSJA is a little more like the classic series than even new Who is.

"A"

Journey To The Center Of The Earth

I remember as a child being quite fascinated by the original movie version of "Journey To The Center Of The Earth" and for a little while was convinced that dinosaurs did indeed still roam the center of our planet. It's the kind of idea that really grabs at the imagination of a young child and once it's dug into your little brain it stays there for quite some time. I presume that for Jules Verne it never went away. So when I saw a remake, I was a little excited.

Brendan Fraser has sort of carved himself a little niche in Hollywood, having given up on being a variety of apprently retarded funny guys, he is now the action hero adventure for family movies. Not that The Mummy was a family movie as such, but it's the movie that really pushed him into the niche that he is in. It's a comfortable, and quite clearly rewarding life. Journey must have been a great pitch for the producers:

Prod: "Yes, well we need CGI. LOTS of CGI."

Exec: "That sounds expensive..."

Prod: "We have a cast of ten."

Exec: "Only ten?"

Prod: "And for 90% of the movie it's down to three."

Exec: "I like your thinking..."

Prod: "The only name we have is Brendan Fraser."

Exec: "You have a greenlight!!!"

I do like Brendan Fraser, actually. He's a pretty good actor and I enjoy watching him in most movies, but seriously if he's the guy you are outlaying money to, you're on a good wicket. Aside from Brendan, you also have the kid from "Bridge To Terebithia" and he's pretty good, having a nice rapport with Fraser and a believability about him. That just leaves Anita Briem, an Icelandic actress who is absolutely hot throughout the entire movie. She spends the movie in tight short shorts, and so there is pretty much nothing wrong with her.

Don't go and see this movie to be seriously challenged or emotionally drained. This is an action-adventure flick, plain and simple with a huge dash of sci-fi thrown in. It's a family movie, and succeeds well, in that there is something for all ages to enjoy in the film.

"B+"

Space Chimps

When the school holidays hit, there are always copious amount of animated movies on show, and usually around the September time, Dreamworks, who have been churning them out all year, suddenly find that they have some serious competition, and so they actually up the ante on this release. Going up against Pixar brings out the best in Dreamworks, and this time Space Chimps is the movie that is the fighter, but sadly, against Wall-E it kind of fails.

Not that there's anything inherently wrong with Space Chimps. Well, aside from the fact that the plot is a little unfocussed and as such the direction the movie is supposedly heading in seems rather confusing. The stories of the space chimps and the aliens, although you know logically must meet at some point, don't really seem destined to intertwine, and when they do it seems to be a little forced. The alien plot line suffers particularly, as we are introduced to them, find out that one is nasty and then he has a weapon of mass destruction that allows him to take over his planet. It really does occur that quickly.

Alien uprising, under funded government space programme, grandson of the greatest space chimp ever, a love story...there's a lot packed into this one little script, and occasionally it shows. The animation is great, but these days you kind of expect that. Great animation is now pretty average, and there's no real way an animated movie can be spectacular, unless it was creating flawless computer generated human beings - in that regard Beowulf was onto a bit of a winner. Well sort of...let's not go there. When you are dealing with movies where the humans are deliberately styalised, to hit average you need great animation, and you don't leave the cinema feeling impressed. To impress the audience you need a "wow" script, and that's where Space Chimps falls short. It has a good script, an entertaining script...but there is no wow factor to it.

I enjoyed this movie, and if I had a kid that was old enough I would take her to see it (well, I did take my daughter to see the movie, but she slept through most of it). Switch your brain off and turn your comedy appreciation dial down very low. You'll enjoy the movie better that way.

"C+"

Heroes: The Second Coming/The Butterfly Effect/One Of Us, One Of Them (Season Three)

Lawks oh lordy, I am so far behind on my reviews, and I humbly apologise for having to review no less than three episodes of Heroes in one go. I suck, I really do. Beat me.
Season Three kicks off with a resolution to the end of Season One, that being, of course, the shooting of Nathan, which has kept everyone wondering for a year. Who did it? So many bets were had, so many people believing it to be Bennet. How stupid to we feel?

I might actually review the first two episodes together, seeing as that's how they were broadcast, and the overall feel of the new season is "Season Two didn't happen"! Clearly it did, but there is also a clear desire not to make too much of what has happened. It's a little disappointing to see that Noah Gray-Cabey and Kristen Bell are no longer regular cast members, but hopefully they won't be gone forever. Certainly Bell turns up in the second episode to spectacularly fail in keeping Sylar contained. Sylar, now free from the virus that was stopping his powers, is back to collect as many as he can, and Claire is his first target, in a scene that probably qualifies as easily the grossest thing that Heroes have ever shown. When he tries to do the same to Elle, that's when things get interesting, and while it's great to see that Elle makes it through, her terrified reaction to Sylar's attack is the impetus for "Villains".

So while Sylar is trapped in the Company's prison, Angela Petrelli (Christine Rose now a regular - at last) assumes control of the Company and Elle is discharged. Bob, of course, is a lot worse off. Meanwhile a group of villains are running around countryside - one of whom appears in one of Angela's visions, another is Francis Capra and that one is actually housing Peter Petrelli who has been imprisoned there by his future self. Getting complicated? Oh yes, very much so and very much in a comic book way. The height of this is probably the revelation that Sylar is the third Petrelli brother. It's like the Summers family all over again!

Rather than rabbit on inanely, I will say that the first two episodes of the new series are particularly interesting, not only for bringing in a variety of new villains (including Hiro's nemesis - the speedster Daphne), but also because of the fact that Ali Larter now plays a completely different character who looks exactly like Niki Sanders but has the ability to freeze things. She is not Niki, and no matter how much Nathan may believe she is, something is clearly very wrong.

Oh, and Bruce Boxleitner is a recurring character! How can this series do any wrong?

Bring on the third episode, and this time round we get to see Bennet deciding to go out and retrieve the various villains roaming the countryside, but to his shock and horror he is partnered with Sylar. A great deal was made in the lead up to this season that some of the regular heroes could become villains. In the first two episodes it was hinted that Mohinder is possibly going down that path as he desperately wants to get "abilities", and when the opportunity arises he takes it, but it clearly isn't going to work out the way he wants it to. Angela has always been a little curious about exactly where her hero/villain status is, but this season sees her eager to assume control of the Company and, worse, to embrace her long lost son Sylar. Sylar's actions in the episode clearly establish where he stands and, despite the fact he is assisting Bennet in tracking down the villains, he is clearly not going to turn out the way Angela suggests he is.

Things are progressing along very quickly this season, but while Peter and Tracy are somewhat the center of attention (and how wonderful was it to see Micah back again this episode? Even if it did confirm the death of Niki...), Hiro's storyline seems a little tacked on, as does Matt and Mohinder (no Molly?? What??). Hopefully that will be redressed in the next few episodes, but this series is certainly once again firing on all cylinders.

"A"

NCIS: Last Man Standing (Season Six)

Channel Ten, always keen to "fasttrack" stuff that actually rates for them, have been surprisingly remiss in not fasttracking NCIS last year, but this year they've made up for it, and so as a consequence, one week after the American broadcast, and a fortnight after Ten finally managed to bring themselves to show the finale of Season Five, they are showing the premiere of Season Six. Things have changed on NCIS...Gibbs has a new team which sees the return of Jonthan LaPaglia to NCIS, having apparently left the FBI to join NCIS, and also the return of Liza Lapira's Michelle Lee, who was briefly DiNozzo's probationary agent on the team when Gibbs left. It's quite nice to see this sort of continuity in the series and it bodes well for Season Six, after the lacklustre Season Five.

Just on a side note, it's interesting to see that Brian Dietzen gets an "Also Starring" credit this series, and about time, poor bastard's been here since midway through Season One. Also of interest is that Mark Harmon is now a producer on the series. Clearly the rumours that Harmon wanted a little more control (or perhaps more accurately he wanted Donald P Bellisario had a little less control) were truer than we thought.

It's nice to see some originality in the series this year, although the disbanding of the old team and assembling of a new one is perhaps a little "House", but seeing as how, by the end of the episode, the team is essentially rebuilt, it's not that bad. What's more interesting is that the disbanding actually is based in plot - new director Leon Vance knowing that there is a mole in NCIS and, having narrowed it down to three, he puts those three into Gibbs' team. It's a nice plan, except that Gibbs isn't an idiot and realises that Vance has an ulterior motive quite soon.

Everyone is back, and once again bang on character. Cote de Pablo is starting to look hotter and hotter; I was never terribly impressed with her when she first joined, but her opening appearance, singing in that amazing dress, takes your breath away. I'm starting to get a little sick of the "everyone but Gibbs hates Tony" routine; he's a great character and it would be nice to remind the audience that his natural charm is also part of his character, and those kind of people always have friends. What's also interesting is the appearance of Ziva's father, who appears to have close ties to Vance.

Once the episode's problem is solved, it is clear that the traitor has not been revealed, and that is obviously the running theme for the season, along with the various secrets that Vance appears to have. It's a little bit of a shot in the arm and I think it is exactly what NCIS needs as it enters it's sixth year.

"A"